The verbal abuse is still happening.

[Fieldsae27]

I recently discovered my mother has BPD traits after some tense situations. My mother is a recovering alcoholic of almost 20 years. While she is sober, the verbal abuse is still happening. In the past, I have always tolerated her abusive behavior as she refuses to see anyone or seek treatment (my therapist was actually the one to mention BPD to me). I have a one year old son who is now speaking and understanding emotions. I do not want him to hear the things she says or see the way she behaves.

My question is this, have any of you taken an "extended break" from your BPD family member? Do you have any regrets? Was it worth it?

My father has completely given up the fight and will refuse to talk to me if I expect any type of change. So as much as I want to protect my son from the verbal abuse, it pains me to think he won't know his grandparents.

[Kwamina]

Welcome to our online community Fieldsae27

You mention your mother's verbal abuse which is quite unpleasant. Are there also other BPD traits you see in her? It is positive that she is sober now, yet unfortunate that she's still being verbally abusive.

I understand your desire to protect your son from your mother's behavior, especially considering her long history of abusive behavior and refusal to seek help. Whether you take an "extended break" from her or not, I think what will be crucial is to set and enforce/defend boundaries with her and work on your own healing. You say that in the past you have always tolerated your mother's abusive behavior. You are now considering make a change though. How does the thought of setting boundaries with your mother make you feel?

My father has completely given up the fight and will refuse to talk to me if I expect any type of change.

Is this something your father has directly expressed to you that he would refuse talking to you if you expect any (positive) changes? Has it perhaps happened before that your father refused to talk to you?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[pyropsycho]

Hi there, and welcome! I'm new here, so hopefully some other people will comment too. Regarding your questions, I've never done a full no-contact thing with the borderline in my life (also my mother), but I've definitely thought about it many times. I think the biggest things holding me back are a sense of obligation/responsibility and the fear of blowback from other family members. That being said, I have been pulling away and having less contact with my mother, and that has helped a lot. She isn't happy about it of course, but I feel healthier and happier when I can maintain some distance. It's hard for me to do it and not feel bad about, though. That's something I'm still struggling with.

[Charlie3236]

Cutting off my BPD little sis for a loonnng time was the best thing I've ever done for my family. Yes I want my son to have a close aunt, but not one who is abusive, angry and manipulative! We are now back in very low contact, but she will NEVER be alone with my son. And I've set some pretty firm boundaries about the behaviors we are willing to tolerate (basically be kind and respectful or we will not be around you). My life is SO MUCH EASIER now!

Yes I still mourn the loss of my sister, and I still have twinges of guilt sometimes. But this is a decision SHE is making to act the way she does, not get help, and have no remorse (outwardly) for the damage she causes.

I hope and pray the strength for you to do what is best for your family and your mental health! 

~Charlie

[Peacefromwithin]

I recently discovered my mother has BPD traits after some tense situations. My mother is a recovering alcoholic of almost 20 years. While she is sober, the verbal abuse is still happening.

I'm recovered in my 12 step program, and unfortunately this sort of thing you describe is very common in contemporary 12 step programs. We call it untreated alcoholism or dry drunk syndrome. Many people quit drinking, but they don't change their distorted thinking, behaviors, and reactions to life which is true sobriety. Just not drinking is really just abstinence.

She obviously isn't doing a daily 10th and 11th step. If she was, she'd have a healthy sense of self awareness to see that she was being verbally abusive, and would apologize to you for it and ask her higher power for help to not be verbally abusive anymore.

Unless an alcoholic really looks at their own behaviors, thoughts, words and deeds, they will not truly recover from what Alcoholism is really about. The alcohol is just a symptom of the underlying disease of what we call Alcoholism.

In the past, I have always tolerated her abusive behavior as she refuses to see anyone or seek treatment (my therapist was actually the one to mention BPD to me).

Why are you tolerating her abusive behavior? Set boundaries. Love yourself enough to not tolerate it. Have you tried Al-anon? A good Al-anon meeting will help you learn how to change your thinking and reactions to the alcoholic in your life. Don't go to the meetings where they just sit around and complain. Find strong ones that teach you tools.

I have a one year old son who is now speaking and understanding emotions. I do not want him to hear the things she says or see the way she behaves.

If that's the case, now is the time to check out the tools and lesson plans on this website to learn how to set boundaries with your mom and teach her in a loving but direct way, what will and will not be tolerated from her.

My question is this, have any of you taken an "extended break" from your BPD family member? Do you have any regrets? Was it worth it?

Yes, I have. There's pros and cons. The main pro is that it helped me get away from their tornado, long enough to work on myself and see reality for what it truly was, away from their brainwashing delusions. The main con was the hole and void but having a family leaves. I just had to keep reminding myself it was for my own health and peace of mind.

My father has completely given up the fight and will refuse to talk to me if I expect any type of change. So as much as I want to protect my son from the verbal abuse, it pains me to think he won't know his grandparents

.
Most likely your mother is manipulating your father to see you as the bad one. I'm assuming he never witnessed her being verbally abusive to you? You probably won't be able to help him come to his senses. She likely acts completely different around him. He's likely brainwashed and enmeshed. You do not deserve to put up with verbal abuse. Your son might be better off but this is for you to decide. Trust your gut. We can't tell you. They may be normal around him. Or they may poison him against you. This is something therapy can help with.