Grieving Process Question

[bluebarleystrawb]

Hello,
This is my first post on the board.  I am a 48m, I have ADHD.  My partner is 48f.  We have two teenage kids, one is recently diagnosed bipolar, married 20 plus years.

As i begin to navigate the site I was wondering first how those of you with undiagnosed (at least to me) spouses use it?  All that's been disclosed to me by my spouse is that she is working through childhood trauma with her therapist. My partner has told me she needs space, and when she wants to address the relationship again she will let me know. It has been three years and contact has continually decreased, to the point of essentially raising the kids together now in a dual household with minimal contact. We are currently separated living in the same house, as I have been practicing loving detachment with the help of my therapist, who specializes in polyvagal work.

My therapist has told me "get out, get the kids out" as he believes the percentage of time with me even if it is half the time (my partner works a lot as an entrepreneur, long days plus continuing to work long hours at home, so it would most likely be more) will be beneficial for the kids.  His thinking is my being concerned about her DX is a rabbit hole and all that matters is the behavior and my somatic response.  His thought is somatic work for grief and loss is the way to go for right now (I am doing this with an embodiment therapist), and possibly family therapy (which she will have to choose/buy in on) as we begin to figure out how to coparent. 

I have done DBT skills training with my older teen, and have been using skills which have made our marriage less high conflict.  But there is still a considerate (although varied) impact on our day to day family life, particularly with our kids, and there have been some very high conflict moments with her and our eldest, particularly as my partner sometimes only gets 4-5 hours of sleep. Our eldest teen's therapist has recommended family therapy, and my partner's therapist has recommended someone with familiarity with both BP I and BPD, my partner says this is because of the possibility of comorbidity in our teen's diagnosis (there is currently only a BP 1 Diagnosis).  I don't think she is capable of lying, and my therapist (who has met with her therapist to coordinate care on 2 occasions) agrees. He has mentioned to me that her therapist assumed I had NPD or NPD tendencies based on her reports and he disagrees.  He also says that I absolutely do not have BPD. Currently my focus is processing the grief about the state of the relationship and moving toward acceptance.  Any thoughts about this without having info regarding a DX? I like simple, but this situation feels complicated. Thanks everyone.

[bluebarleystrawb]

I should add I have gone through the lessons on this site, and the lessons regarding the end of a relationship with a BPD partner particularly resonated with me.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Agree with your T that while a diagnosis can be helpful, it's not always necessary and not always the most important thing.

Traits can often be mixed and matched, and not always present. And different people are affected by PDs in different ways.

It sounds like you have a lot of good help and the Ts are working together which is nice. Stick with what you're working on. Try to focus on the actions and feelings, rather than on the diagnosis.

If someone is doing those things and acting that way and making you feel that way... it doesn't necessarily matter if they have BPD or not... it's still a problem that can be helped with the tools you're working on. You're on the right track.

I'm not sure if that's even answering your question.

[Kashi]

You sound like you have a good framework, and support to deal with the issues. 

I'm not sure if anyone here could add to that in a way a therapist could.

But we can support you.

You ask questions and people will try and answer the best they can.

You can express yourself and feel safe in doing so. 

We can listen.

You gave a good explanation of what is happening in your life.

Do you have a specific question you would like to ask?   

Do you want to say how you are feeling today?

[bluebarleystrawb]

Thank you.  Yes both of those posts were helpful, I appreciate it.  Our therapists have coordinated a bit, but I think it's unlikely to continue. Which makes sense, actually, my partner has said before her therapy is not about me and she is correct. And I am doing my best to work on myself, but the relationship feels tricky right now. I am very much in validation mode and saying "ok" and keeping responses simple to avoid conflict.  Hypervigilance for me is still very much a thing. 

I am feeling pretty sad today, and trying my best to honor that feeling and sit with it, and not problem-solve out of it, which is a challenge for me.  I am also trying to maintain loving detachment for my partner while still being there for my kids, and I am feeling grateful for my time with them.  This process continues to teach me a lot.

I have questions, but they are all more or less an attempt to understand something cognitively, and this kind of grief appears not to be a cognitive process really.

I appreciate all your thoughtful responses!

[ThanksForPlaying]

I have questions, but they are all more or less an attempt to understand something cognitively, and this kind of grief appears not to be a cognitive process really.

Great observation. One of the tools of DBT (which can be helpful for BPD patients) is just the idea that feelings change on their own, even without us having to do anything. Sometimes for pwBPD, feelings change minute-to-minute.

As a non, it's still helpful to understand that feelings like grief can eventually change, even if we do nothing to "fix" them. The brain just adapts on its own.

Of course, extended feelings of grief can become "depression". But most of the time, feelings come and go in a shorter timeframe.

While cognitive processes can be helpful, it's comforting (for me) to know that sometimes I don't have to do anything... I just need to wait it out long enough until my brain processes the feelings.

[Kashi]

I am not an expert.   I think part of the process of grief is, something changes.

A big change.

One door closes and another opens.  That happens in a gentle way. 

At the moment you are sharing the same space with her, so while you might be able to emotionally detach somewhat, you still sitting in it.   

That might be a situation where you go one step forward and two steps back, sometimes.  Not fully going through the whole grieving process.

Do you have any plans to exist the situation fully?   

You have children that is very difficult I imagine. 

[bluebarleystrawb]

Thank you both.  Yes, I have been working on the observe and describe skill a lot, and that seems to help, along with the somatic work.  I use cope ahead quite a bit also. Anything that slows me down, creates a "speed bump" and makes me less reactive is always welcome.  Is there a DBT skill you have used in this type of situation?  My teen skills class was the more "pared down" version although going through it with my eldest did wonders for my relationship with her.

I am working on a timeline with my T soon.  I know this situation is not permanent.  I am working to make proactive decisions and not reactive ones.  I have been told this process can take some time, so I am approaching it that way. 

It has been somewhat of a master class for me, I continue to learn a lot.  I agree that the grieving process can sometimes require big change.  I think the actual change in many ways is here already, as my relationship is not currently available anymore in a way I understand. My response to that (how do I take care of myself, how do I take care of my kids in this moment) is the part I am working on.

[Kashi]

What do you need to take care of yourself and your kids?

Can you simplify it and break it down so it's less complicated.

Do you know where you will be living when you leave?

Do you have much together that needs to be sorted out. 

I focused on getting out of our house, she wasn't there.  I was left there.  It was not good for me.

So, I focused on that and wrapping up our life which she didn't help with. 

Where I was going to go. 

Just those two things.

Not on a future or a life.   I narrowed it down to, two main objectives that I needed to happen.

Does she know you are planning to leave?