Ex is gone for 6 years after 24 years of marriage - wants to reconcile

[Dobzhansky]

Hi!  I have not posted for a long, long time. Ex left me w 2 of 3 girls 6 years ago this July after 24 years of marriage (moved to different state) Girls now 21, 24 and 27 yrs old - eldest 2 married. Divorce requested by ex granted after many years of using as threat. Been divorced since Dec 2016. I had resolved this was over after divorce granted. Used wedding ring as scrap gold to make ring inherited from Gma bigger etc., etc... been treating relationship w ex as something totally & completely done. I will always love her regardless. Resolved never to love again (I am 53) Any requests to fly to state where ex is as excuse to have girls show (they wouldn’t come w/o me)

PROBLEM: Ex calls (after 3 yrs of no phone-text only) July 2019 offering Mexico cruise share a room. I say "no" & share unresolved stuff would blow up & cause me to swim home. Blows my mind - why call? My feelings for her are unchanged - I love her deeply but am also terrified of emotional abuse as exp during marriage

Youngest (lives w me in college) flies to Ex's state Fall 2019 for cousin wedding. Decide to stay w Ex as cost saver - agree to share king-sized bed w ex (doofus) so 20 yr old youngest can have own space. Glow from intimacy during Fall visit leads me to book ticket for conference in ex;'s home town which we both attend (we are in same profession) again sharing bed in hotel room... -->> Ex brought up a BIG past hurt during conference attendance lunch - was very angry and scared me to death. On other hand asked aloud and loudly to conference book shop at end of conference "Where is my spouse?" in Spanish

Upshot - Ex wants to reconcile relationship. I am deeply Catholic - living together not gonna happen w/o marriage & 110% gift of 'self-to-other'.  Diff state where I live offers retirement after 25 yrs which is two more for me. Concerned as follows:

Really wants to reconcile in spite of my writing at length about past hurts including abandonment of me and the girls.

OR

Really wants to hook in to my state retirement, which is generous.

I do not trust her, above all...

Recently began faith-based therapy over phone for ME - after description of symptoms therapist said "WOW sounds like BPD" which is hilarious because Googling behaviors is what brought me to BPDFamily.com many years ago.

Anyhoo - feedback is welcome.  Prayers for me and the ex - definitely welcome.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dob, I'll ask the obvious question: What makes you think things would turn out differently this time, if you decided to reconcile?  BPD is not something that ever goes away.  I think you are wise to tread carefully here.  You write that you "do not trust her," presumably for good reasons from the past.  Many of us, including me, have recycled, only to wind up in the place with more pain farther down the road.

LuckyJim

[MeandThee29]

One of my favorite quotes, "Insanity is doing the same thing over-and-over and expecting different results."

You can't expect anything different than you've had before. You don't trust this person.

Of course you care because you are a caring person. But step back and don't do it.

[Dobzhansky]

I deeply do not wan't to cause more pain for her. I do not understand the need to 'keep me' - apart from the fact we have kids together. I had thought to this point keeping me in communication was to keep a conduit open to the girls who have pretty much shut down on her. Why keep me around if I was such a pain? If any can lend insight on what the thinking is (esp. the need to cycle) here it would be much appreciated.
I am at a fairly stable point in my life - Im not eager to goof it up. 

Currently we are 1300 miles apart. We are both teachers and off for summer. She wants me to visit where she is for a week+ OR she wants to come here. It makes me anxious. Ive been dragging feet on this...for my own well-being but also for my youngest who lives w me.

In therapy I have said I need tools to navigate this. Any help welcome

[daze507]

You stay true to your boundaries, she made a choice, she must deal with that choice as any adult, BPD or not.
Your kids are not kids anymore so that is not even a problem anymore.
She is definitely not trying to come back because she loves you, make no mistakes about that, you see, at a certain age, women don't get as much attention as they used to.
It's not your problem if you cause her pain, remember she abandoned you.
Anyway, your gut already tell you what is the right thing to do, you already know, you are just here for the confirmation.
Well, I confirm. Keep the poison away and enjoy your life.

[Learning_curve74]

Dobzhansky, I know this is is tough for you. I was probably last here in 2015 dealing with my BPD exgf, and here I am back for more support. It is what it is...

I love my exgf as a person, but I know she's not what I want or need in a relationship. In fact, the reason I'm back here is for issues with my latest (ex)gf! But I will say that many people reconcile with an ex, even relatively healthy people without personality disorders, so what you're considering is relatively common.

If you believe that you can never love another person, then perhaps you have some unfinished business. Not necessarily unfinished business with your ex-wife necessarily, though you have the right to explore that, but unfinished business with regards to working through your emotions and what you want in a partner.

What does your counselor say in regards to this?

[Dobzhansky]

I am at a watershed of sorts - she wants to visit for a week or so in person. I have things happening in my life to where I cannot leave the state, which would mean her coming here. When we visited for long weekends in 2019 things went "okay" though there wasn’t any depth to the interactions. I fell right back in to my old roles of enabling and smoothing things over. There was one flare-up over old stuff during the visit which frightened me badly.

We usually talk weekends (since late 2019) and this weekend is nearly over. I have gone dark in daily texts and so has she - I need to let her know I am not visiting this summer and she is not coming here. Also that when I retire from my career after the next few years I am not moving in and sharing my life with her. The trust barrier is just too high to overcome. It wouldn't be fair to her or me - I would be walking on eggshells again as I did for the last part of our marriage.

In true BPD fashion I anticipate either towering anger or deep racking sobs, neither of which I wish to experience. I had toyed with flying down (I have a rescheduled COVID ticket that needs to be used) to do this face-to-face out of respect but the thought of such an encounter keeps me up at night.

I am uninterested in pursuing another relationship. I am 53, and while I know that is relatively young, a romantic relationship with someone my age-ish would likely entail someone who also has been a relationship and bailed. It would be too easy, I think, to just pitch it again once things got tough. I do not think I would ever love again.

LC74, I think you hit the nail on the head as far as therapy. I am looking to explore feelings on this as I feel stuck. I feel better now than I have in the 8 yrs since things went pear-shaped. I am not eager to lose the forward momentum.  Thank you... ☺️

[Baglady]

Hi Dobzhansky,

I'm curious.  You two are divorced since 2016.  Your children are grown so you don't need to connect over their needs.  She abandoned you and caused a lot of hurt.  You are determined to keep your current level of equilibrium.  You don't trust her.

What do you really want to happen with this relationship going forward?

I sense deep ambivalence on your part and I'm guessing she does too and may be trying to take advantage of it.  To be fair to her, I think you are sending her a lot of mixed messages.

My sense is that you may need to go all in - one way or the other.  All in on a reconciliation or all in regarding no contact and really moving on.  This middle way is confusing to you both.

Just my 2 cents so feel free to take or leave my observations.

Warmly,
B

[once removed]

In therapy I have said I need tools to navigate this. Any help welcome

this is a breakup board, Dobzhansky.

folks here are at least a month out of their relationship, and there is no turning back.

if you are looking for tools, or how to give your relationship the best chance at reconciliation (or whether its possible), post on the Bettering board. you dont have to commit, but you can explore your options.

[BDR]

I love that - well said ! I thank all of you for your insight.