Making Plans To Leave Again

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

last year I posted about my situation and the board was very supportive - helping me a lot to get the courage together to leave.

I did leave and as some of you know - that lasted 1 month and I returned - due to practical reasons I could not solve at that time. I also had promises from her that she would change.

the first few weeks went by nicely enough - however - as many of you predicted - I found myself in the same old rut - every aspect of my life is under her control and it is even worse than last year.

I actually have to write a plan the day before and read it out to her for approval. I then have to stick to the plan the following day and work fast and efficient. The things I like doing - reading - music etc - are not allowed - until I have paid off my debts and the mortgage. I have tried opposing her - but she's too strong - and I lose every time.

That's how it is.

She came to me recently and said if I want to leave - I should tell her - we could each then find a flat - and leave the agent with the keys so the house can be sold.

But when I came to her and said - well actually ok lets do it - she accused me of threatening her. So I take it she is not serious about it. I also cant imagine us living together in this period after she has accepted we are splitting up.

Our son is not far off 18 - he has his own issues with her as she bombards him with 200 texts per day when he is away studying and if he does not reply she calls the university security. He is fed up.

We are taking him back to college in september. When we return - I plan to get out at the earliest opportunity. All I need is my car keys and bank card, plus my laptop. My mum has said she can provide me with accomodation.

I am earning more money now - enough to meet all my obligations - so there wont be the financial pressure that drove me back last time.

I hope I can escape safely and keep my resolve this time. The last year has been worse than I could imagine.

Wish me luck.

[MrRight]

last year I posted about my situation and the board was very supportive - helping me a lot to get the courage together to leave.

I did leave and as some of you know - that lasted 1 month and I returned - due to practical reasons I could not solve at that time. I also had promises from her that she would change.

the first few weeks went by nicely enough - however - as many of you predicted - I found myself in the same old rut - every aspect of my life is under her control and it is even worse than last year.

I actually have to write a plan the day before and read it out to her for approval. I then have to stick to the plan the following day and work fast and efficient. The things I like doing - reading - music etc - are not allowed - until I have paid off my debts and the mortgage. I have tried opposing her - but she's too strong - and I lose every time.

That's how it is.

She came to me recently and said if I want to leave - I should tell her - we could each then find a flat - and leave the agent with the keys so the house can be sold.

But when I came to her and said - well actually ok lets do it - she accused me of threatening her. So I take it she is not serious about it. I also cant imagine us living together in this period after she has accepted we are splitting up.

Our son is not far off 18 - he has his own issues with her as she bombards him with 200 texts per day when he is away studying and if he does not reply she calls the university security. He is fed up.

We are taking him back to college in september. When we return - I plan to get out at the earliest opportunity. All I need is my car keys and bank card, plus my laptop. My mum has said she can provide me with accomodation.

I am earning more money now - enough to meet all my obligations - so there wont be the financial pressure that drove me back last time.

I hope I can escape safely and keep my resolve this time. The last year has been worse than I could imagine.

Wish me luck.

[GaGrl]

I was thinking about you just last week and wondering how you had fared with the recent restrictions/virus. Maybe I'm psychic?

You sound resolved .n 6ur plan to leave, and it's good that you have a more solid financial base.

What do you anticipate happening as you leave this time -- specifically, what will play out differently this time than last time?

[MrRight]

The fact she cant say to me this time - give me another chance - I will change.

I gave her that one last chance and it failed.

Also another pull back was our son was 16 - he will be 3 months away from 18 in september - so that argument is going to be void.

We are left with practical issues - she will want to sell the house and insist i come back to help. I will tell her to move out - find a flat - and let me return to empty the house and get it sold. It wont sell any other way as it is full of clutter and the dog has messed up all the carpets.

I will go to my mother - who lives on her own - which will be cheaper than getting my own place.

[MrRight]

The lockdown has had little impact on our lives as we spend all our days together anyway.

Except that she is manic about face masks etc.

I have to make it work this time - life is barely worth living at present.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mr. R,  Many people here fear the unknown, with reason, yet the unknown is also where greater happiness can be found.  I'm not going to sugarcoat it: leaving a pwBPD is challenging on many levels, and it's hard to find one's way out of the BPD swamp, yet it leads to greater happiness.  One step at a time.

LuckyJim

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi MrRight-

You CAN and you will.  I have faith.  I got out in February 2020.

Perhaps when you return from dropping off your S in September, you’ll stop by the house, drop W off and make a “quick dash” to the “store”...

You’ll have your car keys, your bank card and maybe your laptop with you already... and the “store” could be your mom’s.  Just continue on your way.  No need to look back. 

Most of us know it takes more than one attempt to leave.  And there’s no shame in that.

I’m so sorry for what you’re having to endure.  And I understand you need to support your son.  Eventually you’ll both likely need to establish a limited means for her to contact you.  Please stay with us for support. 

Your wife is a very sick woman.  But she KNOWS her behavior and cruelty are extremely abusive and damaging or she would not have promised to change, correct?  Please don’t forfeit  your right to happiness. Or your son’s.  You CAN do this.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[MrRight]

Thank guys.

Not much time to reply as she is always around and I dare not risk replying when she is in the house.

Son knows about my plans - he is also ready and break ties with her - I dont know how to advise him as she will always be his mum and she will persist in trying to be in his life no matter what he says to her. I expect she will want to move from here to be near him.

I wont be able to drive away when we get back after leaving him at college in september as she will smell a rat if she sees my laptop and other stuff in the car. I get up first while she dozes - so I will turn on the shower one morning and vanish with my stuff - she may hear me drive away and will realise this is it.

Better go now as she is due back.

[MrRight]

My son is tying my plans to his - saying that when I leave - he will send her a message drawing all his boundaries. One talk a week on skype - no texts answered during the day etc - he feels this is necessary for him to live his life as he wants.

He also has no intention of going back to the family house - no christmas - no easter and no summer holidays.

I have asked him to think carefully about things as she is his mother - for ever - and she is my wife - for now.

Yes I am resolved in what I am going to do - just like last year - only I will make it work this time.

[GaGrl]

You and your son need to be 100% aligned on strategies as this plays out. Losing daily access to both of you at the same time is going to overwhelm her.

What "what if..." scenarios can you anticipate might come up, and what can you and your son agree on regarding how to handle it? This is important - - it's following a plan, not reacting in the moment when your emotions are high.

For example...

1. She threatens suicide.

2. She shows up at your son's living quarters and makes a scene.

3. She shows up at your mother's and makes a scene.

And so on...

[MrRight]

I agree about aligning and not reacting emotionally

she does not know where my mum lives and will be 350 miles away from my son with only the train as a means of transport. she also has a small dog she will want to take with her.

suicide - has threatened before - we are ready for that - will call the appropriate authorities if necessary