Facebook fights?

[Ble55ed]

Is anyone else dealing with a BPD spouse with a Facebook addiction and public fights on Facebook?

My husband is on Facebook constantly. He gets very upset when people unfriend him or don't "like" his posts. With world/US events such as they are, he reposts 10-20 items related to his political views daily, the more inflammatory to the people on the other side of the political spectrum, the better. Although we share political views, I am much more moderate and have basically told him I will not like his posts. I realize he wants to validation of having the likes. He refuses to accept how the Facebook algorithm works, that the fewer of his posts I like, the fewer show up in my feed and is convinced I (and everyone else) sees everything he posts, and we are choosing to ignore him. Yesterday he picked a fight on Facebook with my sister-in-law, who is on the other side of gun control and just about every other issue. It escalated so fast and so nasty, that he has unfriended both her and my brother and announced he won't go to any family functions they are invited to, including Christmas.

Any suggestions for dealing with online dysregulation -- other than don't set a Twitter account?

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[Notwendy]

Don't set a Twitter account? 

You can't really control a Facebook page, and he isn't the only one getting out of hand with politics on Facebook. I have two "friends" who posted something really ugly about the topic on both sides of the fence. I removed the posts not because I don't tolerate their views but because of the ugly language. Personally - I avoid discussing politics in general on social media as discussions tend to get ugly quickly.

Yet some of my FB friends are posting their views constantly. They can post what they want, but if something is ugly on my page, I will delete it. I figured that is the only boundary I can have- my page is mine theirs is theirs. I can also have my own boundary about what I say on social media and not make ugly posts.

I think natural consequences apply here. I don't "like" many political posts and also have unfollowed posts I don't want to see. I don't mind being informed and want to know what is going on, but constant inflammatory memes and posts are not helpful to me. What you are doing is just that- stop liking posts, stop following posts. Your H's FB friends can do that too. When he gets upset over this, or you not liking something, you can say " I love you honey but I have stopped discussing emotional politics on social media"

[pearlsw]

Hi Ble55ed,

Well, I'm gonna add this to the short list of problems I don't have!  Wow, this sounds extremely annoying and potentially pretty damaging if it spreads out to holidays and stuff. Any chance to get him to see how this might be a place that brings unnecessary frustration and time might be better spent elsewhere?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Notwendy]

From my own observations of BPD -  I have found it difficult for them to make the connection between their behavior and the consequences. I think they tend to take victim perspective and that, in combination with their tendency to project, results in them seeing the consequences as something being done to them by a "persecutor" not that their behavior led to it.

Your H is not the only one ranting on FB. Our current tendency to be polarized fuels the black and white thinking of someone with BPD. I personally think discussions between people with different views is a good thing but not on social media where there is a tendency towards rudeness and each person split to where their side is all good and the other side is all bad. Middle ground is a hard place to maintain on FB.

Honestly, I have some "normal" and decent FB friends who are angry and posting things I know they wouldn't say face to face. It's going to be hard to convince your H not to do this. If he offends people, they can unfriend, unfollow or block him.

[CMJ]

I believe that my pwBPD uses social media for validation too.
A picture of her dog that only gets 2 likes is fine, a picture of herself that only gets 2 likes is quickly removed. She went through a stage of changing her profile picture practically every Tuesday for a while.

As a result, I also believe that social media may be a source of invalidation for her.
Here in the UK there's a TV presenter called Dan Walker and every weekend he runs something called Egg Club on Twitter. Basically people submit pictures of their poached eggs on toast for him to assess and approve/deny entry in to Egg Club. It's all tongue in cheek and the vast majority of people are denied entry with a joking criticism of their eggs; things like peppercorn too large in bottom left corner, right egg is oddly shaped, use of old lady crockery, etc etc
My pwBPD entered one weekend and was denied entry. Now this is something that is obviously not serious and entirely voluntary to take part in; her response to being denied entry was to delete her entire Twitter account.

All the good interactions she'd had on that account are now gone. In someways I suppose it's a bit like push dynamic; all the good doesn't count anymore and it must be gotten rid of to avoid the pain/shame.

[Tattered Heart]

Oh Ble55ed,

This was my life for years before my H finally decided to get off facebook in September. Here is how my H explained what was going on with him on FB and this may resonate with your H too.

My H said that FB was overstimulating for him. He knew the algorithm that the more he commented and posted and shared things the more he would get those things in his feed. But even knowing that he just couldn't stop commenting on political posts and lost a couple of friend IRL that way. So it was like this self-feeding monster in that he knew he created stress, he wanted to stop it, but he couldn't stop, so FB kept giving him more posts that created more stress.

He also said that FB gave him a sense of bonding with others. He truly believed that every person on his friends list was REALLY his friend and thought that others were experiencing the same with him. He got glimpses into their life and felt like he "knew" these people on a more intimate basis so when they would start to argue with him, even though he liked a good argument, it still became a rejection of him. He also began to judge other people's posts (especially the people that shared highly emotional stuff or extreme political ideology). This was just a part of his black and white thinking.

Over time, I started to talk to ask him validating questions about specific people that seemed to trigger him alot. He said he had a fear of unfriending people because he didn't want them to think he didn't like them. Slowly, very slowly, over time he began to see that these people were toxic for him and he realized he did not have a relationship with them in real life too so he was able to unfriend them. He did this with several people and I saw his frustration level get lesser and lesser. FB started to get boring for him and in one final blow up, he cussed out a bunch of people and deleted the app. It's been such a relief.

I share all of this in hopes that maybe something will jump out at you about the motivation behind his FB fighting and help you find the right approach with your H. Until then, just validate validate validate. Find whatever hurt it is that he is sharing with you when he is upset about FB and validate that.

[walkinthepark247]

Lately, I have really examined my own use of social media (Facebook in particular). I'm fully convinced that joining in those types of arguments online isn't good for ANYONE'S mental health. It's particularly true after major news events. Talk about splitting!

If you need some levity in this situation, look here: https://www.theonion.com/study-90-of-americans-strongly-opposed-to-each-other-1823168096

[Tattered Heart]

If you need some levity in this situation, look here: https://www.theonion.com/study-90-of-americans-strongly-opposed-to-each-other-1823168096

 
  Love the onion. "10% of survey participants who indicated otherwise did so because they didn't consider those they disagreed with to actually be Americans." HAHAHA satire is awesome.