Ex Gf wants to be friends

[Oncebitten]

Alright first time post here been reading lots here lately.  My ex just broke up with me a couple of days ago.  Has begged and pleaded with me to remain friends.  I do still love her and I like the idea of remaining friends but I just don't know if its a good idea.  She let her ex back into her life a couple of months ago.   Against my wishes she kept him around even after he started causing us problems.  She says this isn't about him, but they have posted stuff on one anothers fb pages here the last couple days.  Can't help but feel like I am being strung along just in case.  Told her I needed some time to think about it.   Told me to take all the time I needed.  If I thought we could be friends and that was it, I'd feel better about it.  But I fear she will try and suck me back in just as I am getting over her.  Also have no desire to serve as some jealously tool so she can manipulate him.  Like she did me.

Is this wanting to be friends normal?  Does she really mean it or does she just want me to be the jerk and walk away

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[steelwork]

Oncebitten, so sorry to hear about this. Welcome, and I hope you'll find some fellowship on this board.

I don't know what her motives are, of course. Maybe she values your friendship and wants to keep it. I felt the same way about my ex--most all of my exes, come to think of it. Then again, I know that this partly stems from my own abandonment issues, and maybe that's what's driving her. Maybe, as you suggest, she's motivated by a need to keep you in reserve or use you to triangulate.

I think what matters right now is how you are feeling. If the idea of being friends with her is painful, that's something you should pay attention to. It sounds like there's no pressure for any immediate response. So let yourself take the time you need. Everything is raw now. Probably your feelings about a lot of things are in flux.

So how are you doing? And do you want to share more of your story?

[Oncebitten]

Steelwork thanks for your reply.  Its been a torrid long distance relationship.  Very intense for over 6 months.  And to be honest circumstances have made things difficult.  Living several hours apart, things juat always get in the way of spending time together.  So from that stand point the idea of being just friends is ok. She knows me so well ,when things are good they are beyond great.  Better than anything I have ever imagined.  Never been in a relationship this intense.  We have discussed the just friends thing before and even tried it to only fall back into old habits.  The I love yous come too easily.  I am just getting worn out with the arguments that come from nowhere.  The asking me for a commitment then having her change the goal as I meet it.  I love this woman, care for her deeply.  I feel like we could be great friends, but can't help but feel like this is just a game to her.  To many small inconsistencies.  Tired of her changing the story when I know the facts.  I feel like her ex knew I was on the way out before I did.

Thats what hurts, if we weren't working if she wants to go back to him fine.  I can live with that but dont give me some bs about its not working we should be friends and then be so blatant with him.  Is she purposely trying to be cruel?  I feel like she wants me to pick a fight... .then its my fault.

As far as how I am doing... .she has hurt me before figured this was coming.  I tilt back and forth between numb and angry.  Angry because I feel like I'm be jerked around.  Its been the push /pull thing for a couple of months.  Taken all the fight out of me.

[HarleypsychRN]

Oncebitten,

Sounds like a classic BPD move. Mine had re-friended her ex's FB account a short while before she discarded me. Man, they try and control and recycle, but it's all about THEM, never about you.

No contact (NC) is the only proven strategy that works. She'll end up making you crazy if YOU allow it. NC is hard, it hurts like heck. but the alternative is allowing her to control you even though you two have broken up.

"The calendar changes, they don't "- Unknown

[steelwork]

Thats what hurts, if we weren't working if she wants to go back to him fine.  I can live with that but dont give me some bs about its not working we should be friends and then be so blatant with him.  Is she purposely trying to be cruel?

Okay, I can relate to this. I got the "friends" routine but found that "friends" didn't mean being honest about what happened. It was, I guess, my bottom line, and when I drew it, he ghosted. And honestly, it would have been impossible to be friends while he was carrying on with my replacement.

I feel like she wants me to pick a fight... .then its my fault.

This also resonates. It's a strategy a lot of emotionally immature people use. I feel like he provoked me and then didn't know what to do when I didn't bite.

As far as how I am doing... .she has hurt me before figured this was coming.  I tilt back and forth between numb and angry.  Angry because I feel like I'm be jerked around.  Its been the push /pull thing for a couple of months.  Taken all the fight out of me.

Yeah, maybe it would be a good idea to chill for a bit. If she's serious about wanting to be friends, it will keep.

[Caley]

Alright first time post here been reading lots here lately.  My ex just broke up with me a couple of days ago.  Has begged and pleaded with me to remain friends.  I do still love her and I like the idea of remaining friends but I just don't know if its a good idea.  She let her ex back into her life a couple of months ago.   Against my wishes she kept him around even after he started causing us problems.  She says this isn't about him, but they have posted stuff on one anothers fb pages here the last couple days.  Can't help but feel like I am being strung along just in case.  Told her I needed some time to think about it.   Told me to take all the time I needed.  If I thought we could be friends and that was it, I'd feel better about it.  But I fear she will try and suck me back in just as I am getting over her.  Also have no desire to serve as some jealously tool so she can manipulate him.  Like she did me.

Is this wanting to be friends normal?  :)oes she really mean it or does she just want me to be the jerk and walk away

Donkey, carrot ... and 'up the road' a bit. A BIG stick ... !

If she was a poor girlfriend she'll not be too good at friendship either. And, you would be used to 'triangulate' with her current 'supply' ... who will, no doubt just like you probably did, try harder to gain her affections and for her to choose him (this'll not happen without therapy and may never happen for her, at all). If you close the door she'll need to find another secondary source to maintain the drama ...

Personally, Oncebitten ... I'm glad for you that you're OUT. The hard part for you is to now commit to 'staying out'. That's the tough part ... but we are all here to support your efforts to do so, if that's what you choose. In fact, whatever you choose to do ... 'stay/go back/be friends' ... it's OK and you'll be heard and supported here.

Best wishes,

Caley.

[almostmarried]

Ex gf wants to be friends... .Now here´s the translation from borderline- language into non-language:             

1.Instead of having no control to manipulate you I still will have a little control to manipulate you.

2.I won´t feel so bad that I created chaos.

3.If I don´t find another victim I can revert back to you.

4.It´s all about me.

[SummerStorm]

Hi Oncebitten,

As some people have already mentioned or alluded to, being friends with a pwBPD, especially after being in a relationship with one, is often a lonely road.  I had a very brief sexual relationship with my BPD friend (we were never an actual couple), and I only ever hear from her when she's in between boyfriends, and that's usually only for a few days at a time.  I haven't even seen her in almost a year.  Texts go unanswered, she doesn't like any of my FB posts, and she only views my Snapchat story every once in a while.  On top of all of that, I've been discarded three times in the past year, been blocked and then unblocked on FB, and had my Instagram follow request denied.  Whenever I bring up hanging out, she ignores me.  When she brings it up, it's random and impulsive, and I usually have plans, so I have to say "no."  Then, she feels abandoned because I couldn't drop everything at the last minute to spend time with her, and she stops talking to me for a while.

I'm not saying that you have to completely cut her out of your life, although that may end up being what is best for you in the long run, but you also have to go into this with the understanding that you will probably never have a great friendship with her.  My BPD friend is "friends" with most of her exes, but she never actually sees any of them.  She just keeps tabs on them through social media and occasionally likes one of their posts, just to show that she's still around. 

Most pwBPD aren't even good friends to the people who have only ever been just friends, so why would they be good friends to the people they had an intimate relationship with and then discarded?  My BPD friend has a friend from high school whom she refers to as her "sister."  For months last year, after I was discarded, she hung out with this friend several times.  Then, out of the clear blue, she just stopped hanging out with her, stopped texting her, stopped tagging her in posts, stopped liking her posts.  This went on for four months, until a few weeks ago, when she went back to talking to her again and acted like everything was normal.  Her friend publicly called her out for not contacting her in months, and my BPD friends reply was, "I know.  I suck."  No remorse, no understanding of how she might have hurt her friend. 

As far as her motives go, she might actually value your friendship and might actually care for you, but even when a pwBPD truly does want something, the disorder often prevents the person from having it. 

[Hadlee]

Most pwBPD aren't even good friends to the people who have only ever been just friends, so why would they be good friends to the people they had an intimate relationship with and then discarded?  

This is very true.  The push/pull, silent treatment, and all the craziness happens in a friendship as well.  Even worse when the pwBPD was once a romantic partner.

 

[Rayban]

I've learned that friendship in BPD realm is basically anybody who could be useful to the BPD in someway in the future. These friends are replaceable pawns to be used and discarded when they don't follow the script.

Here is a list of what friendship meant to my exBPDgf;

1. Had no problems flirting with her then best friends boyfriend in front of me and her. Looking back I realize I was brought along that day to triangulate that relationship. Shortly after this ''friend'' began keeping her distance.

2. Near the end of our relationship, I found out that an ex boyfriend of 4 years, ''hangs'' around her place where they ''play'' video games, but just as friends. She also mentioned in passing that he hit on her but, it meant nothing, and besides he has a girlfriend. Translation keep the poor sap around for downtime's. Also useful to create drama, and stop him  from moving along in his life.

3. Throughout our relationship, if ever I needed say a mechanic, or plumber, or electrician, or insurance, or basically any service or product, she would have a MALE friend she knew that was in the business and could help me out. Funny, she would often have some intimate detail to share as to how she knew these men.

4. I work with her and see first hand how she can't keep female friends very long. One day they're besties, next she refers to them as being the devil. Won't speak to them, silent treatment with some others, but eventually they all orbit back to her, and the cycle repeats. Some have become mother figure to her, others she seems to have emotional relationships, and I suspect some she has had a physical relationship with. To her credit, she is an equal opportunity friend. Age, race, sexual orientation is all the same a tool to be used.

5. She seeks attention from anybody and anyone. I would get upset about men gawking at her, or her being overly flirty with male colleagues. Her response; I'm a very friendly person, kind and sweet. Not my fault they get the wrong idea ... .of course not.

As for me, I think she wants to keep me around for future abuse, another number she could dial when she's bored or needs an emotional dumping bag. I have to be her work colleague, but there is no way that I need that type of friend in my life. I suspect I'll be thrown into the abusive ex category. An example she could use early on, as she's working on the next one. I suspect that every ex she claimed to be an abuser, are the ones that got away form her vortex.

[SummerStorm]

I've learned that friendship in BPD realm is basically anybody who could be useful to the BPD in someway in the future. These friends are replaceable pawns to be used and discarded when they don't follow the script.

Very true.  My BPD friend latches onto whomever has something she needs/wants at the time, whether it be drugs or a place to live.  When the person doesn't deliver/can't deliver what she needs/wants, she ditches him or her and moves on. 

Several times a year, my BPD friend has some new girl (sometimes a guy) whom she refers to as her "best friend."  Last year at this time, that was me.  Then, it was a friend from high school.  Next, it was a co-workers.  Then, it was the friend from high school again.  Most recently, it's been a different co-worker, but I don't think they are really friends anymore.

That's just something that's not normal, to have a new "best friend" every few months, especially when you're in your 20s and are a college graduate.  It's very high school, which fits perfectly because my BPD friend is basically stuck at 15 years old.

[balletomane]

Oncebitten,

Sounds like a classic BPD move. Mine had re-friended her ex's FB account a short while before she discarded me. Man, they try and control and recycle, but it's all about THEM, never about you.

No contact (NC) is the only proven strategy that works. She'll end up making you crazy if YOU allow it. NC is hard, it hurts like heck. but the alternative is allowing her to control you even though you two have broken up.

"The calendar changes, they don't "- Unknown

I noticed that my ex added two exes on Facebook not long before he discarded me. Within days, he had deleted them (or they had removed themselves). He never discussed that with me or explained what he'd been trying to do. He did bring up the ex before me (a third person!) and say that he was thinking of contacting her "to find out what the hell happened there." I could have told him "what happened there" - he tore into her because of his own paranoid irrational beliefs that she had been cheating on him, without any proof. Now I also see that he had me in his sights as a potential replacement, so he had no need of her any more. We were together three or four days after he broke up with her. As he prepared to discard me for his flatmate, he was acting as though he had no memory of how he behaved towards that ex and as though their breakup had just been unpredictable and incomprehensible to him. So yes, I think people with severe interpersonal difficulties (whether BPD or not) do try to keep exes around for unhealthy reasons, even if they may not know their own motives. I think that my ex follows destructive relationship patterns because that is what he knows, not because he has a conscious plan in doing so - it's like he's trapped in a whirlpool.

OP, I think your own choice is whether you want to be sucked into the whirlpool too or whether you want to climb out. My ex also wanted me to be friends, and I really tried, because for years he'd been my best friend. But he had no interest in maintaining that level of closeness any more. In the six weeks I tried to be friends with him, he had no time for one chat on Skype, no time for one quick lunch together (and bear in mind we were studying on the same campus three days a week!). When he said that he wanted me to stay friends, he meant he wanted me to fade into the background without making him feel bad, distant but still close enough for him to call on me if he wanted me. In short, it was to be a friendship on his terms. He spelled that out very clearly when he told me about my replacement: when I said that it was devastating for this to happen when I was in a foreign country miles away from most of my friends and family, with a lot of stress on my plate, and as I was struggling with my health, he replied, "Well, I've spent most of my life alone. You'll get used to it." Then he explained that he hadn't been able to tell my replacement about his self-harm yet, so he hoped I'd still support him emotionally. "I need you." It is impossible to sustain a friendship that is all about your ex's needs. Don't do it to yourself.

[Oncebitten]

First off thank you to all of your for your support and advice.  I still would like to remain friends, and I have decided to just let this friendship happen without any expectations.  If we can pull it off then it will be great and a wonderful surprise... .if not then the disappointment wont be the end of me. 

[MapleBob]

I have to concur with pretty much everything everyone has said in this thread. My uBPDex and I were also long-distance, also tried to be friends for a very fraught, difficult, and confusing 10 months post-breakup, and, well ... .we don't talk anymore.

I think that what you're experiencing, Oncebitten, is the classic selfish "feelings = facts" perspective of BPD, wherein her opinion of you and level of commitment to your friendship varies based on her mood and what she needs from you in any given moment. And it's unhealthy. If you *can* keep your cool and have (actually, not pretend) ZERO expectations then you might be alright.

But honestly, if you had zero expectations you wouldn't be posting about this on a message board. It's impossible to have zero expectations in any kind of relationship, or else there IS no relationship. I'm not generally in favor of No Contact (feels an awful lot like the silent treatment to me, and it doesn't get a relationship anywhere) - but there comes a point where the cost of contact is consistently higher than the reward.

I related a lot to your post, and I've been there. "I feel like she wants me to pick a fight... .then it's my fault" especially. Eventually when I wouldn't pick a fight with her, she started picking fights with me, sabotaging any positive moments that we could have built some kind of relationship on. And this was after *months* of me attempting to decipher what was happening, and then giving up and settling for friendship on more or less her terms.

Regardless, anything you wind up being able to have with her in the future will be on her terms and her terms only. Can you live with that?

[steelwork]

I totally get it. I wanted that friendship enough to accept an awful lot of pain. It was fresh in my memory that he wanted it--made me promise--and I felt like I could be the bigger person where it mattered. In the end, I realized that friendship can't be unilateral. The word "friend" rolled off his tongue, but it didn't mean anything. He wasn't willing to acknowledge my feelings or talk honestly about what was happening. The minute I pressed for those things, he cut me dead.

So what I'm saying is, I get it. I wish like hell I could have been his friend, and for that reason I allowed myself to be abused for months. Don't be like me. Please remember that friendship is a two-way street. You deserve to be treated like a human being in the friendship, and if you're not, it's probably not going to improve.

[MapleBob]

The word "friend" rolled off his tongue, but it didn't mean anything. He wasn't willing to acknowledge my feelings or talk honestly about what was happening. The minute I pressed for those things, he cut me dead.

Yep, same here. Before I got discarded as a "friend", I was literally told "I never wanted to be your friend, I wanted to be with you, but now I can't," after months and months and months of insisting that we be friends. Which I can kind of understand - I was also told that "if things were going to be good between us then we'd just be together." And she made darn sure that things were never going to be good between us.

That's not "friendship".

[Lucky Jim]

Hey once bitten, Give yourself a break and take some time for yourself, without contacting her, is my suggestion.  In my view, she's throwing your a few crumbs to see if you are still on the line.  Are you still on the line?  It's your call, of course, but I suggest your think twice before rocking your world again.

LuckyJim

[Invictus01]

BPD, not BPD, doesn't matter - you don't stay friends with your exs, that is all. Doesn't mean you need to be rude to them or anything along those lines. You just walk away. What you will most likely find out (just like pretty much everybody else who tried to the whole friendship thing has found out ) - it will be a one sided "friendship" that revolves solely around her. She will talk to you about her life, her problems, her issues, etc. The second you will try to talk about yourself, the conversation will be over. I don't know about you, but in my book, that's not how friendships work. A distant acquaintance who you keep at arm's length, that's pretty much it. Just walk away. If she pops up, be polite, exchange a few texts. If she doesn't, carry on. Your job is to take care of you, not try to be what she wants you to be.

[steelwork]

One of my very best friends is an ex I lived with for 8 years. I consider it a red flag if someone isn't friends with ANY of his exes.

[sweet tooth]

If she has BPD behaviors, she doesn't actually want you to be her friend. She doesn't understand boundaries. She will act like you are more than friends but TELL you she just wants to be friends. She doesn't know what she wants.

I went through something similar, except without the ex. You are being manipulated and treated unfairly. My ex invited me to a wedding show on Valentine's weekend (after telling me several times she just wanted to be friends).  Two days later, there was "no spark" between us and she needed space. Two weeks after that I was told "do not contact me again." What did I do to deserve mixed messages, inconsistencies, and to be discarded like trash? Nothing. Now I am severely depressed, very anxious, old wounds have been opened, and I am involved in a trauma bond.

I highly suggest you cut and run. Escape now before you spiral into a depressive episode of shame, humiliation, betrayal, and self loathing. Keep in mind, my case is MILD compared to most on here. I was not married to this person nor do I have a child with her. It's not worth it, man.

[SWLSR]

Hello once bitten

I have read your statement.  I have read many good comments from here.  One thing to think of here is that people with BPD are never happy when they see an ex moves on with there life without them.  They want to have a say in your life even if they dump you.  Why they do this I don't know.  But I do know a BPD has little impulse control.  Maybe in there lucid times they realize what they have done who knows.  But my advice is if you choose to be friends then prepare yourself for more heartache.

[Turkish]

With a pwBPD, these things may feel manipulative, but it's more likely due to the inability to process the feelings of another (empathy challenged).

Getting goodbye hugs on MD yesterday, my Ex asked for a hug. I refused. A female co-worker today told me that she was keeping me as backup. I don't think so. I think that the mother of my children is just unable to process why I wouldn't want to show her affection. It did bother her, and she playfully slapped me on the arm and said, "whatever," but detaching is about focusing on yourself, not the other person.

If you feel uncomfortable being friends, then don't be. You don't need to be cruel about it, just firm with the boundary.

[Oncebitten]

@sweet tooth

yeah she doesn't know what she wants at all, talks of being just friends its best and all that but still wants to know I love her... .kind of feels like a test at this point.  She knows I never wanted to break up in the first place. 

[Oncebitten]

Is that the gist of this whole thing?  Is this all some kind of twisted test? 

[sweet tooth]

@sweet tooth

yeah she doesn't know what she wants at all, talks of being just friends its best and all that but still wants to know I love her... .kind of feels like a test at this point.  She knows I never wanted to break up in the first place. 

It's not worth it, man. You will get attached and then she'll drop you. She WON'T feel badly about it either, or are the very least won't show it.  You're heart will be broken, you'll loathe yourself, and you will feel nonstop anxiety and depression. Then you'll be stuck wondering if she'll come back, if you want her to come back, and what you will do if she DOES come back. It's not worth it.

[Lucky Jim]

Yup, that's the gist.  It's a test.  LJ

[Oncebitten]

lucky jim

a test for what?  to see if I care?  to see if she can trust me. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey OB, That's your task: to figure out the test for yourself.  I have my own ideas about it, as I've explained above

LuckyJim

[Oncebitten]

LJ

You are probably right, just checking to see if im still there dangling in the wind I suppose... .Thanks for the support.

[MapleBob]

Is that the gist of this whole thing?  Is this all some kind of twisted test?  

It's not a test, actually. I want to say that it's straight-up sadism (because that's what it often feels like on the receiving end), but that's not quite it either... .

I think that many of us have reduced our own value by settling for less and less and less from our BPD partners, to the point where they can treat us this way, and we'll still sit around being anxious and biting our nails and waiting with baited breath for them to halfway show up and deign to toss some regard our way whenever they feel like it. If it's a test of anything it's a test of "how poorly can I treat you before you're not on my hook anymore? How far will you go? I'm really curious. (Hey, I might still be able to get some value out of this relationship without really having to invest much!)"

And I don't think they do it on purpose, or consciously. I think they fall head over heels in love for anyone that they can idealize, until they can't idealize that person anymore. (News flash: nobody is "ideal", and nobody is baggage-free or 100% unproblematic, so their strategy is doomed to fail every time.) After the devaluation period they're willing to pay scraps for the 5-10% of you that still "works" for them. Most people would feel bad about doing that - and for the most part, pwBPD will at least occasionally acknowledge that they're doing something unethical - but they continue to do it anyway because, after all, they're the only people in the world that matter, because they have the biggest feelings (and "feelings = facts".

Anyway, the bottom line is: we allow it. We even encourage it by rewarding their negative inter-relational style with further positive regard and concern and compliance. I read the "Saving" board too, and there is definitely a time and place for working with your pwBPD within a committed relationship. But once they drop you like a bag of rocks into a river of your own tears it's pretty much not that time and place anymore.

[sweet tooth]

If it is indeed a "test," a game, or what not you will lose because the rules will never be clearly defined and will constantly change. The only way to win is to not "play."

Think f it this way, if you're being tested, the tests will only get harder:

-I wonder if I can get away with not texting him back?

-I wonder if I can get away with breaking our plans?

-I wonder if I can get away with going on a date with someone else?

-I wonder if I can get away with being wishy washy about how committed I am?

-I wonder if I can get away with leaving him at the alter?

-I wonder if I can get away with physically assaulting him?

-I wonder if I can get away with divorcing him?

-I wonder if I can get away with using the children to hurt him?

-I wonder if I can get away with accusing him of raping me?

Oh, and if he doesn't let me get away with it (anywhere in the process), he must be a no good abuser who doesn't love me. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Confused108]

Imo I feel some of them want to remain friends after they discard is is because they want u. In their stable of exs to "recycle" if they wish later. My ex after a back and forth I need time to think and space had decided she wanted to "remain" friends! At first I will be honest I did too. The. I sat there and thought of all the $hit she pulled on me and did to me! I said to her as far as friends go I think I'll pass. You are toxic for me and that I don't need in my life. But I do wish you well and please stay out of a relationship until you truly know what the word love means! Not throw it around bc it sounds nice. Boom baby! Roasted!

[SWLSR]

confused

I think the issue here is more than just a recycle or a potential one.  I think its they dont wont us to move on without them.  I recently had a death in family.  My ex was expecting to be invited to the funeral.  When she was not invited she did not show up.  But beyond that she later asked me if anyone wondered why she was not there.  When I said no your name did not come up at all, she was generally shocked that she was not the center of attention here.  I think they fear being left our and forgotten more than anything else.

[sweet tooth]

confused

I think the issue here is more than just a recycle or a potential one.  I think its they dont wont us to move on without them.  I recently had a death in family.  My ex was expecting to be invited to the funeral.  When she was not invited she did not show up.  But beyond that she later asked me if anyone wondered why she was not there.  When I said no your name did not come up at all, she was generally shocked that she was not the center of attention here.  I think they fear being left our and forgotten more than anything else.

But at the same time they'll throw you under the bus on a whim... .

[SWLSR]

Sweet toothe

Yes they do that it's all about them

[Confused108]

confused

I think the issue here is more than just a recycle or a potential one.  I think its they dont wont us to move on without them.  I recently had a death in family.  My ex was expecting to be invited to the funeral.  When she was not invited she did not show up.  But beyond that she later asked me if anyone wondered why she was not there.  When I said no your name did not come up at all, she was generally shocked that she was not the center of attention here.  I think they fear being left our and forgotten more than anything else.

  I disagree. Most of them want to be kept in our lives so they can recycle us when they choose to. Yes it's All about them ! We are nothing more then objects to them. A horse in a stable of many . They only bring us out when they want to ride us again.  My ex at the end when I tried to help her bc I found out that she was misdiagnosed didn't want me I her life period! And threatened me with a PPO if I continued to try and contact her! I have also read a few stories her very similar to mine. Let us not forget that every BPD is Diffrent.  Just like everyone is Diffrent. They may have the same illness but we can't all say they do the same things. Like some come back. Trying to recycle us. Some Don"t.

[Invictus01]

confused

I think the issue here is more than just a recycle or a potential one.  I think its they dont wont us to move on without them.  I recently had a death in family.  My ex was expecting to be invited to the funeral.  When she was not invited she did not show up.  But beyond that she later asked me if anyone wondered why she was not there.  When I said no your name did not come up at all, she was generally shocked that she was not the center of attention here.  I think they fear being left our and forgotten more than anything else.

  I disagree. Most of them want to be kept in our lives so they can recycle us when they choose to. Yes it's All about them ! We are nothing more then objects to them. A horse in a stable of many . They only bring us out when they want to ride us again.  My ex at the end when I tried to help her bc I found out that she was misdiagnosed didn't want me I her life period! And threatened me with a PPO if I continued to try and contact her! I have also read a few stories her very similar to mine. Let us not forget that every BPD is Diffrent.  Just like everyone is Diffrent. They may have the same illness but we can't all say they do the same things. Like some come back. Trying to recycle us. Some Don"t.

Nope. You get recycled when you allow it to happen. Whatever is the reasoning behind keeping you around, in the end, you are the one who can walk away from it.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

confused

I think the issue here is more than just a recycle or a potential one.  I think its they dont wont us to move on without them.  I recently had a death in family.  My ex was expecting to be invited to the funeral.  When she was not invited she did not show up.  But beyond that she later asked me if anyone wondered why she was not there.  When I said no your name did not come up at all, she was generally shocked that she was not the center of attention here.  I think they fear being left our and forgotten more than anything else.

 I disagree. Most of them want to be kept in our lives so they can recycle us when they choose to. Yes it's All about them ! We are nothing more then objects to them. A horse in a stable of many . They only bring us out when they want to ride us again.  My ex at the end when I tried to help her bc I found out that she was misdiagnosed didn't want me I her life period! And threatened me with a PPO if I continued to try and contact her! I have also read a few stories her very similar to mine. Let us not forget that every BPD is Diffrent.  Just like everyone is Diffrent. They may have the same illness but we can't all say they do the same things. Like some come back. Trying to recycle us. Some Don"t.

Sorry double post.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

confused

I think the issue here is more than just a recycle or a potential one.  I think its they dont wont us to move on without them.  I recently had a death in family.  My ex was expecting to be invited to the funeral.  When she was not invited she did not show up.  But beyond that she later asked me if anyone wondered why she was not there.  When I said no your name did not come up at all, she was generally shocked that she was not the center of attention here.  I think they fear being left our and forgotten more than anything else.

  I disagree. Most of them want to be kept in our lives so they can recycle us when they choose to. Yes it's All about them ! We are nothing more then objects to them. A horse in a stable of many . They only bring us out when they want to ride us again.  My ex at the end when I tried to help her bc I found out that she was misdiagnosed didn't want me I her life period! And threatened me with a PPO if I continued to try and contact her! I have also read a few stories her very similar to mine. Let us not forget that every BPD is Diffrent.  Just like everyone is Diffrent. They may have the same illness but we can't all say they do the same things. Like some come back. Trying to recycle us. Some Don"t.

Nope. You get recycled when you allow it to happen. Whatever is the reasoning behind keeping you around, in the end, you are the one who can walk away from it.

Agree . They will keep recycling you as long as you let them . Once you brake up with them because you had enough they will latch to their next victim. At the same time you will paintedyou black for "abandoning" them.

[Confused108]

Let me rephrase that! I know you Dont get recycled unless you want to. The point is they will Try and recycle you or any other exs they have! And it really doesn't matter if you break up with them or they break up with you they will always find the "next victim" to latch onto! My ex broke up with me and painted me Black as night! So for that to happen you don't have to "break it off with them. There good at doing that all on there own!

[SWLSR]

Confused

I think we all agree they do bad things.  To me I never felt like she wanted to recycle just that she missed the fact that, I got invited to alot of social events and she liked being there.  The person who replaced me is kinda anti social.  I never felt like she truly wanted me back just that she missed the social life I gave her.  That is what she wanted back and I was a means to an end.

[MapleBob]

They don't all recycle. Something to keep in mind. My more recent (of two) uBPDx is more of a salt-the-earth type, and that isn't atypical for BPD. Staying friends in that kind of scenario is about "I might still have a use for you, I just don't know what it is yet."

[Confused108]

I agree Bob! They don't all recycle! Mine does ... But I feel only does it with certain ex lovers. Stupid me when she ran after me was talkig. About her ex this and her ex husband blah blah. How she texts them and calls them. Then her ex came over for sex etc. I was like Wtf? I had NO IDEA about BPD either. Now I know she recycled them and they A) got tired of her crap and dumped her or B) we all k ow how that goes! She dumped them. For me as her 1st love and the one she wound up in a mental institute at 14 years old for 2 months. She found me after 26 years. For those 2 1/2 years on FB tried I feel to get me. I resisted . Then fell into her web of lies last June 2015. And bam push / pull and final discard Sept 4 2015. I don't think I will ever be one of her recycles. I have been painted black beyond black. While her other lovers I think are a kinda grey area of u ask me. If she were to ever come back I will eat my hat!

[sweet tooth]

I agree Bob! They don't all recycle! Mine does ... But I feel only does it with certain ex lovers. Stupid me when she ran after me was talkig. About her ex this and her ex husband blah blah. How she texts them and calls them. Then her ex came over for sex etc. I was like Wtf? I had NO IDEA about BPD either. Now I know she recycled them and they A) got tired of her crap and dumped her or B) we all k ow how that goes! She dumped them. For me as her 1st love and the one she wound up in a mental institute at 14 years old for 2 months. She found me after 26 years. For those 2 1/2 years on FB tried I feel to get me. I resisted . Then fell into her web of lies last June 2015. And bam push / pull and final discard Sept 4 2015. I don't think I will ever be one of her recycles. I have been painted black beyond black. While her other lovers I think are a kinda grey area of u ask me. If she were to ever come back I will eat my hat!

You already WERE a recycle:

-At 14 you were her first love.

-She found you 26 years later.

If she recycled you after THAT much time, what makes you think the possibility isn't there again?

[Confused108]

I agree Bob! They don't all recycle! Mine does ... But I feel only does it with certain ex lovers. Stupid me when she ran after me was talkig. About her ex this and her ex husband blah blah. How she texts them and calls them. Then her ex came over for sex etc. I was like Wtf? I had NO IDEA about BPD either. Now I know she recycled them and they A) got tired of her crap and dumped her or B) we all k ow how that goes! She dumped them. For me as her 1st love and the one she wound up in a mental institute at 14 years old for 2 months. She found me after 26 years. For those 2 1/2 years on FB tried I feel to get me. I resisted . Then fell into her web of lies last June 2015. And bam push / pull and final discard Sept 4 2015. I don't think I will ever be one of her recycles. I have been painted black beyond black. While her other lovers I think are a kinda grey area of u ask me. If she were to ever come back I will eat my hat!

You already WERE a recycle:

-At 14 you were her first love.

-She found you 26 years later.

If she recycled you after THAT much time, what makes you think the possibility isn't there again?

I am a trigger for my ex. She dosent even realize it. I am the reason she went to a mental hospital bc my Mom broke us up and told my ex I was dating someone else when it was a lie! I tried gettin  her back but she was gone after that. Hated me etc.  Then 26 years later finds me like I mentioned and u read the rest. I was if u want to call it a recycle  once. I feel she hates me full blown painted blacker then black. I also feel she has enough exs around to keep her busy . Also she told me she had not thought about me all those years. She blocked me out. She only found me on FB because of our mutual friends as kids/ teens. Otherwise she would never have come a knockin. I don't know if I call that a recycle or just plain curiosity As we never broke up we were forced to be apart.

[troisette]

I agree with the general consensus.

I wonder if BPDs want to remain friends because it lessens their feelings of abandonment?

But I also think it's about control, feeling they still have a finger in the pie of our lives. Also a back-up for their convenience when they are going through a barren patch. I agree that friendship with a BPD is not like a normal friendship - this due to their illness.

My ex was frantic to remain friends with me. But I'd seen the quality of his friendships, both with exs and others he had not been romantically involved with. Not what I'd consider proper friendship - which for me includes trust, loyalty, shared interest in each other and each other's best interests at heart.

I have long-term friendships with exs from the dim and distant, but then they are not BPD.

Are you going to be happy with crumbs from your ex, on their terms, without loyalty, trust and knowing that person cares about your interests and happiness? If you are - maybe you should be asking questions about how little is enough for you - a matter of self-esteem?  

[MapleBob]

I wonder if BPDs want to remain friends because it lessens their feelings of abandonment?

That question makes me wonder if their reasoning varies based on the archetype of BPD they generally exhibit (Waif/Witch/Queen/Hermit, etc). The Waif wants to keep you around to save them later if you need them to, the Queen does it for control, the Witch for the ego boost, and the Hermit just in case they're ever lonely? I don't necessarily agree 100% with those archetypes, but in short, I think their reasoning varies based on their particular need.

[sweet tooth]

I agree Bob! They don't all recycle! Mine does ... But I feel only does it with certain ex lovers. Stupid me when she ran after me was talkig. About her ex this and her ex husband blah blah. How she texts them and calls them. Then her ex came over for sex etc. I was like Wtf? I had NO IDEA about BPD either. Now I know she recycled them and they A) got tired of her crap and dumped her or B) we all k ow how that goes! She dumped them. For me as her 1st love and the one she wound up in a mental institute at 14 years old for 2 months. She found me after 26 years. For those 2 1/2 years on FB tried I feel to get me. I resisted . Then fell into her web of lies last June 2015. And bam push / pull and final discard Sept 4 2015. I don't think I will ever be one of her recycles. I have been painted black beyond black. While her other lovers I think are a kinda grey area of u ask me. If she were to ever come back I will eat my hat!

You already WERE a recycle:

-At 14 you were her first love.

-She found you 26 years later.

If she recycled you after THAT much time, what makes you think the possibility isn't there again?

I am a trigger for my ex. She dosent even realize it. I am the reason she went to a mental hospital bc my Mom broke us up and told my ex I was dating someone else when it was a lie! I tried gettin  her back but she was gone after that. Hated me etc.  Then 26 years later finds me like I mentioned and u read the rest. I was if u want to call it a recycle  once. I feel she hates me full blown painted blacker then black. I also feel she has enough exs around to keep her busy . Also she told me she had not thought about me all those years. She blocked me out. She only found me on FB because of our mutual friends as kids/ teens. Otherwise she would never have come a knockin. I don't know if I call that a recycle or just plain curiosity As we never broke up we were forced to be apart.

Don't count it out. There are people on here who tell stories of people coming back 20 years later (and you're one of them). It's not beyond the realm of possibility. I'm getting the impression that you are in denial of the possibility that she might come back. She might, she might not. Stating a firm "she WON'T come back" involves a few cognitive distortions (see "Feeling Good" by Dr. David D. Burns):

-Black and White thinking

-Mind Reading

-The Fortune Teller Error

[Hadlee]

I wonder if BPDs want to remain friends because it lessens their feelings of abandonment?

Yeah I was going to say that.  If they completely let us go then they are truly abandoned.  There will need to be some form of connection for them, whether it is direct or indirect i.e. checking up on us.

They definitely need to be in control, so still having an ex in their life one way or another allows them to continue to control the situation.  I also don't think it matters how much supply they have - an attachment is an attachment, whether past or present.

Just my thoughts

[Confused108]

I agree Bob! They don't all recycle! Mine does ... But I feel only does it with certain ex lovers. Stupid me when she ran after me was talkig. About her ex this and her ex husband blah blah. How she texts them and calls them. Then her ex came over for sex etc. I was like Wtf? I had NO IDEA about BPD either. Now I know she recycled them and they A) got tired of her crap and dumped her or B) we all k ow how that goes! She dumped them. For me as her 1st love and the one she wound up in a mental institute at 14 years old for 2 months. She found me after 26 years. For those 2 1/2 years on FB tried I feel to get me. I resisted . Then fell into her web of lies last June 2015. And bam push / pull and final discard Sept 4 2015. I don't think I will ever be one of her recycles. I have been painted black beyond black. While her other lovers I think are a kinda grey area of u ask me. If she were to ever come back I will eat my hat!

You already WERE a recycle:

-At 14 you were her first love.

-She found you 26 years later.

If she recycled you after THAT much time, what makes you think the possibility isn't there again?

I am a trigger for my ex. She dosent even realize it. I am the reason she went to a mental hospital bc my Mom broke us up and told my ex I was dating someone else when it was a lie! I tried gettin  her back but she was gone after that. Hated me etc.  Then 26 years later finds me like I mentioned and u read the rest. I was if u want to call it a recycle  once. I feel she hates me full blown painted blacker then black. I also feel she has enough exs around to keep her busy . Also she told me she had not thought about me all those years. She blocked me out. She only found me on FB because of our mutual friends as kids/ teens. Otherwise she would never have come a knockin. I don't know if I call that a recycle or just plain curiosity As we never broke up we were forced to be apart.

Don't count it out. There are people on here who tell stories of people coming back 20 years later (and you're one of them). It's not beyond the realm of possibility. I'm getting the impression that you are in denial of the possibility that she might come back. She might, she might not. Stating a firm "she WON'T come back" involves a few cognitive distortions (see "Feeling Good" by Dr. David D. Burns):

-Black and White thinking

-Mind Reading

-The Fortune Teller Error

I am not in denial about anything. My ex buried me . Never gave me a second thought. All those years . Painted black beyond black. The only reason she came back was because she saw me on a mutual friends FB page. Some come back ... .Yes they do... .some Don't. I feel my  ex is one of those ppl. And yes she does recycle exs bc when we spoke she would mention how she should call her ex hubby , her ex boyfriend. This I feel was to recycle them. But she lives in Canada I'm here in NY. So I think she has enough play toys where she is.  Also now knowing who and what she is will never ever get suckered into her Bull $hit again. If she ever was to come back... .And trust me she won't. With me anyway. I am such a trigger for her and I will say she wants me to stay outta her life. And I believe that.

[C.Stein]

This thread has reached its post limit. Please feel free to start a new topic to continue the discussion.