I wish I wasn't on this board but my BPD bf left me and no closure

[Kasina]

Hello everyone,


My uBPD bf broke up with me its been a month sbd now hes engaged.we were in relationship for more than two years now and it's not the first time that he has done this with me.

I have been through it before he got engaged and trust me when I say it it was literally out if blue... one day we were hanging out and the next day I get to find out by his cousin that he's engaged and when I confronted him he said his father fixed it and he will try and break it off.i didn't know about BPD that well them so I believed him even though done felt off.

Anyways fast fwd 3 months he broke up with her to and reconnected with me and I took him back.(we were friends while he was engaged ).

After that things went well but there were few signs that something was off but then everything changed,it felt like he changed.our relationship improved we started to connect and got really close that's when he proposed me and I said yes.

After two months if engagement he started to acting off.he told me that an old ex has contacted him and is in need of help.i asked him politely validating that he should keep his distance from her but he was feeling very bad as ahe was hospitalized and was in pain.

He said he was feeling in the verge of a nervous breakdown because he said he was feeling responsible for her misery... I tried to sooth him and after a few days time he was ok.

Afterwards he confessed that he was dysregulated and a different state of mind I tried to give him space but even then he was loving and affectionate and we were really good.

Then I got a little caught up in chores my sisters wedding where my brother in laws best men was my ex.i never neglecting him for a bit but I realized that it caused a trigger inside him and he started to act really clingy... I didn't panicked or pushe him away instead I tried to be loving and all.

Things were ok when all of sudden he started to pull away from me and while that period I had to go out if town for two days to which I felt that he did feel abandoned but never admitted it to me ... I felt it and stayed 24/7 in contact with him to avoid any abandonment issues.

But all un vain,just after a week if silence after me getting back to town he broke up telling me that I m better off without him and he needs to be alone.hebsaud he can't make me happy as he's pathetic so he needs to suffer alone.

I tried to validate him and tried to communicate but he just won't listen the very next day he deleated me from fb ... I tried giving him space by letting him know I wasn't  leaving .

Apogized profusely ... but nothing changed...

Then one day he again communicated with me telling me to respond to my proposals and try to settle and if I fail to settle with anyone else he will accept me if no one else did...

He said that he's pathetic secluded and ducked up while I am pretty and social .i have for so many options.when I pressed that I still wanted to he with him he said 'you just can't now'.

All rhe time I felt that it was all due to intimacy issue and probably he felt rejected and abandoned so I tried to make up to him but now finding out that he's getting engaged to this ex of his(he was with her for 5 months only)I know all about it and he wasn't really in to her even while he was dating her.i know all about it because it was before we were in a relationship and were just friends .

So what happened now?he has been engaged thrice before me and disnt married any of them cause they were all short impulsive flings ...

I really love him and so does he,it's been almost 2 and half year if us being together .is there anything I can do?i want him back I can't picture my life without him.

Can you please give any idea what caused it?

Will he be back?

What would  be the right thing to do?

[luckygirl424]

Hi!

It might help to know that I know exactly how you feel. My UBPD just up and left me as well. This also wasn't new behavior. It's insane, isn't it? We've been split for about a month, he's seeing an acquaintance of mine and parading her all over my small hometown. I don't even wanna show my face there because I'm so ashamed of him. He's also already introduced her to my 4 year old. Nice.

I don't know if this helps you or not, but I don't believe the cycle with my ex will ever stop until he seeks treatment. I've tried countless times to walk away but always took him back when he'd come begging. It seemed so genuine! I'm determined this time to make the split stick. My major issue was that he lied about everything and always kept his life hidden from me. I've spent 7 years with this guy and no longer remember what a healthy relationship feels like; can no longer recall what it feels like to not constantly try to function despite the butterflies in my stomach. I do not believe one word that comes out of his mouth anymore so there's that, too haha.

I used to come close to having nervous breakdowns when he'd leave, like yours, without any notice or warning at all. Over time, I've grown hardened to his abandonment. That bothers me, you know? The less I react, the more his behavior escalates, too. Only you know what's best for you, but for me I think the time has finally come to heal and move on. The hardest part for me is that I want him to want me . Because he has betrayed me so thoroughly, I want the satisfaction of rejecting him this final time. Yet, I suspect when the time actually comes, I won't enjoy it nearly as much as I think.

In all likelihood, your ex will probably try to come back, as I think mine probably will, too. For me, I'd like to revisit a healthy relationship at this point and end the cycle of drama and hurt. I've found over time that I now have very little respect for him as well. His betrayals have been so ugly that it was difficult to even look him in the eye. You'll know when you've had enough though. I think we're all tougher and stronger than we believe ourselves to be . Hope this brought you at least some comfort.

Luckygirl424

[Kasina]

hi lucky girl,

Your reply really did helped alot cause no one... none often friends understand what I m going through... they think I just some stupid girl who got played my master player.everyone days he's just a womanizer.

I don't blame them because they didn't knew about his issues and BPD I did,I endured it.it was so much more then just a love game.to your question I think

I have had enough of his bull ___.ots time for me to take care of myself and try to be healthy relationship but I just don't know if I have the strength to do so.

I still feel very fragile and weak I feel he still holds power over me.i have a few male friends who have been wanting to date with and after this incident I  being hovered.

I don't want to waste my time but I don't feel like I can see anyone right now...

What should I do?

I am really not sure about anything else about what I want or to do.all I know is that I need to stop this cycle of pain and hurt,I just need to find the strength and to know how?

Thankyou for lettinge know about your story and situation it really gives me hope and peace .

[living in the past]

  It takes a while to get over an obsession with another person,believe me i know,and remember the old saying there are plenty of fish in the sea,please don"t think i am implying you are obsessed,but we do become to attached to people with BPD.

[Kasina]

Hey living in past,

No it's ok I do feel I m getting obsessed with him,I do need to get him out if my system.

To do so,I have deactivated my fb account and blocked him from whatsapp and viber so that I won't check consistently on him .

I just keep telling myself,that it doesn't matter it's over now.i don't want him in my life even he wants me,even if I still feel I love him.

It's just over,I need to stop and so on.its the very first step from my side in breaking ties with him.it does feels a little better... hope that this feeling of constant ache in my heart will be gone soon.

X

[JRT]

I can relate to your dilemma as my exBPD fiance' left after 2 years of being together virtually problem free... .it came from out of nowhere while I was away and I have not heard anything from her and it has been 6 months.

I know how your heart feels and I tell you that I empathize with you... .everyone on this board has been through similar circumstances all of them tragedies for sure. Most people here are torn between what their head tells them and what their feelings have to say - feelings often win the debate.

The mantra here as it relates to getting them back as well as to healing is going No Contact. This means no calls, no texts, no social media - nothing; as if he does not exist. The logic being that given the push/pull nature of BPD, that any contact will serve to further push him away. I can think of no cases that I have read about here where contacted them did any good... .but there are many that report the opposite.

It is a profoundly difficult thing to do but it is one of few cards that you have to play. Use this time to divert your attention from him... .do things that will help in that respect. Stay on these boards by reading and contributing and letting your feelings out. All of us on here know you r pain and will hear yours within a framework of caring and sympathy. There is some hard work ahead but we are here to support you.   

[luckygirl424]

Yeah, my friends and family didn't understand what I saw in my ex. They weren't there when he was sobbing hysterically about what a horrible person he felt like or how he couldn't go on without me. I'm a pretty head strong woman so my friends were incredulous when I'd take him back time and time again. The honeymoon period was enchanting but I noticed over time, we were cycling through more and more quickly. Much like the cycle surrounding abusive relationships.

Personally, I'd focus on healing right now. I know for me, the thought of being with another man just makes me feel more lonely. I wanna be able to invest time into myself and even though it's maddening to think my ex is holed up with a new woman, I dont wanna allow him to manipulate any more, even indirectly. I agree with the no contact thing. Once that door is open, every step becomes more slippery. I have to have contact with my ex because of my son, but I've purposely been ice cold to discourage any reconciliation with him. Plus, I'm still mad as hell haha! And I keep it about our son only; strictly business. Just be kind to yourself and let nature take it's course. It'll get easier (right?). Last night was the first time I havent been awake for 2/3rds go the night. I finally slept most of the way through and was only up for about an hour. So, little by little, I guess.

[JRT]

. The honeymoon period was enchanting but I noticed over time, we were cycling through more and more quickly. Much like the cycle surrounding abusive relationships.

Sorry... .I don't intend to hijack the thread but this statement struck a chord... .do you mean to say that the recycles were become more or less frequent/severe?

[luckygirl424]

Just the different stages of the relationship leading to his leaving. When we'd first reconcile, there was a honeymoon period. After he got comfortable his passive/aggressive behavior would begin and it wouldn't be long until fighting began. Initially, it seemed that a good 6 months would pass before the entire cycle was complete but each time, it sped up some until we were passing through all the different stages in a mere 3 weeks. I hope I'm being clear enough . I feel like I may not be but it's like that the cycles were shorter and shorter and each time the amount of time between the reconciliation and his leaving was shorter and shorter. This is what you were asking, right? If not, I apologize. I'm very new here .

[JRT]

Just the different stages of the relationship leading to his leaving. When we'd first reconcile, there was a honeymoon period. After he got comfortable his passive/aggressive behavior would begin and it wouldn't be long until fighting began. Initially, it seemed that a good 6 months would pass before the entire cycle was complete but each time, it sped up some until we were passing through all the different stages in a mere 3 weeks. I hope I'm being clear enough . I feel like I may not be but it's like that the cycles were shorter and shorter and each time the amount of time between the reconciliation and his leaving was shorter and shorter. This is what you were asking, right? If not, I apologize. I'm very new here .

No worries at all... .It IS what I was asking... .in mine, the recycles were at first HUGE blowouts with long periods apart... .the last one before before the big one was merely hours... .this was before I knew anything about BPD. I just figured that it was some 'thing' that she needed to get out of her system. It was nearly 9 months before the (current) nuclear bomb went off (with a couple of 'incidents' that might have turned into a recycle)... .so, it sounds just the opposite of me.

Welcome here BTW! Let me know if I can help at all.

[luckygirl424]

Thank you. I didn't realize it was recycle instead of cycle . Just my own made up term, I guess. I'm glad someone else notices this because my ex always fails to. It's like he lives in a perpetual Ground Hog's Day and fails to see any patterns. I still can't wrap my head around how such a thing is possible but maybe I don't have to. This site and it's members have already given me untold comfort. Thank all of you!

[luckygirl424]

Thank you. I genuinely appreciate it. Same for you . It's just nice to know that I'm not crazy and my sense of perception isn't completely warped. Not everyone lives a double life and hooks up with the next warm body when things don't go their way. I just keep asking myself, "What was I thinking?" !

[Kasina]

Hello JRT,

Thankyou for the kind words and support.it really means alot that everyone here on boards understand what Img through.the validation does take away the pain really goes away for awhile.

I m sorry that you went through the same circumstances it must have been very heartbreaking .

You are right going NC is the one card we non has to play in order to make things better.maybe it was my effort of being noticed and heard by him through my silence because my constant presence didn't matter and my words went un noticed and unheard .

Today I spent most of the time trying to not to think about the why's and if's... it's really hard not to think about him and his ex bit as soon as I think weather I want him back the answer is no because I don't want to go thought the same pain.

I just really want to be healthy and happy.i feel he will reconnect looking at his past behaviour cause he always recycles his past relationship and never really gets over his ex's.

I just hope that I m strong enough by then to stand up to him and know all the faults that are in our relationship as in to know the difference between a doomed relation and one which is worth giving a chance .

Any advice what to do to have a clear perspective about this relationship and the dysfunctional behaviours ... idk if I should be waiting him bank or not?

What should I do to heal?

[Kasina]

Hello JRT,

Thankyou for the kind words and support.it really means alot that everyone here on boards understand what Img through.the validation does take away the pain really goes away for awhile.

I m sorry that you went through the same circumstances it must have been very heartbreaking .

You are right going NC is the one card we non has to play in order to make things better.maybe it was my effort of being noticed and heard by him through my silence because my constant presence didn't matter and my words went un noticed and unheard .

Today I spent most of the time trying to not to think about the why's and if's... it's really hard not to think about him and his ex bit as soon as I think weather I want him back the answer is no because I don't want to go thought the same pain.

I just really want to be healthy and happy.i feel he will reconnect looking at his past behaviour cause he always recycles his past relationship and never really gets over his ex's.

I just hope that I m strong enough by then to stand up to him and know all the faults that are in our relationship as in to know the difference between a doomed relation and one which is worth giving a chance .

Any advice what to do to have a clear perspective about this relationship and the dysfunctional behaviours ... idk if I should be waiting him bank or not?

What should I do to heal?

[JRT]

Any advice what to do to have a clear perspective about this relationship and the dysfunctional behaviours ... idk if I should be waiting him bank or not?

What should I do to heal?

I cannot answer the question regarding if you should have him back or not, it is entirely your choice. I struggle with the same question (even though mine will not even speak with me). What if she came back? I can tell you that I am detached enough so that there is NO WAY that I would simply allow her to waltz back into the lives of my daughter and I. Matter of fact, I am uncertain if I could even be a friend to her. If she is a BPD, the platonic love associated with friendship is not there either. I don't need someone who will cut my throat in the middle of the night so to speak. You will need to come to the same conclusion and your head will eventually over rule your heart in time.

Healing is difficult. The nature of a BPD r/s makes it really hard to cope. This site has been helpful to me, look at the number of my posts... .its incredible! But people on here are the only ones that know what you are going through. I love my friends but once I say anything about her or mental illness, they turn off their attention. I found it best to only discuss this here only.

I'm a guitarist and I also run and ride bikes. These have been valuable diversions for me. I have also been spoiling myself a bit by spending; buying new clothes, traveling, working on the house, etc.

I am also to the point where I can date. This can be a good distraction but it is a double edged sword:the disappointment of meeting someone that is not 'as advertised' can have a depressive effect after the fact. If you choose to online date, there is plenty of that to go around (it is the rule, not the exception).

I have heard others write journals and letters to their ex (that they never send) and so on. Why not start a thread of your own: 'Ways that you have coped' or something like that. I would REALLY like to see how people respond.

I'll be looking for it.

[Kasina]

Hey luckygirl,

I can totally relate to you.my friends wouldn't understand why would I take him back after what he did to me last time I.e leaving me stranded.

My friends always wanted me to let him go believing that he didn't deserve me but as you said they hadn't seen him being this completely different person when he was with me.

Yeah, my friends and family didn't understand what I saw in my ex. They weren't there when he was sobbing hysterically about what a horrible person he felt like or how he couldn't go on without me. I'm a pretty head strong woman so my friends were incredulous when I'd take him back time and time again. The honeymoon period was enchanting but I noticed over time, we were cycling through more and more quickly. Much like the cycle surrounding abusive relationships.

As you said,yes I feel more lonley when I am with other guys and winding up missing him even more.i thought I was the only one having trouble sleeping and eating properly .

I stay up all night and can not sleep more than an hour or so.

Now knowing that you are going through the same and improving gives me hope that I will too get better... so yes little by little .

I m trying to focus in myself and staying positive but it's been only 3 days since I have accepted that this recycle has ended for good so I m stool trying to get away from all the questions thoughts keeping me up all night.

Trying to keep hold on me and my sanity.trying to accept and moving on...

Yes i have experienced it too as the time passes the recycles get shorter as in he gets in to idealisation phase and the in devaluing phase pretty quickly.

For him his standard recycle durations in 3 months   in ever single relationship after that the real him comes in to play which is without single doubt a person who is scared alone and vulnerable and it's very hard to deal with...

What helps you in healing?i would really love to hear it... maybe it will help me a little .

X

[Kasina]

Thankyou for the detailed answer JRT.

I hope i do find in time what to do with him and proceed with my life.iys just that ppl with BPD leave us non in such a dysfunctional way that it hard to accept that this is then end of it and also because the love that we feel is so genuine.

Trust me even in the last days of breaking up,all he used to day was as if he needed a time off from this relationship or as if he couldn't deal with the intense love he has for me so I thought he was dysregulated ... it was until when I found about him getting engaged to his ex by one of my friend who saw it on FB by his sister...

There was no closure,no nothing... I feel as if he left this way so he could come back and start right from where he left... .I know him,this what he will do once he will start from where he left that's why I think I should be perpeared ...

Nice idea about starting a thread on 'ways to cope' I will definitely do that it will help here what others did to cope up and hopefully it will help me gain some knowledge.

[JRT]

Believe me: for the past 6 months, there has not been a day that has gone by where I have not stopped, shook my head and said to myself, 'I can't believe that this has happened... .!' The love was so sincere... .our plans were so definite... .the attraction seems SO genuine... .The chances so small in terms of this happening; this was like winning the Lotto in reverse!

I will be looking for your thread.

[Kasina]

Believe me: for the past 6 months, there has not been a day that has gone by where I have not stopped, shook my head and said to myself, 'I can't believe that this has happened... .!' The love was so sincere... .our plans were so definite... .the attraction seems SO genuine... .The chances so small in terms of this happening; this was like winning the Lotto in reverse!

I will be looking for your thread.

I know what you are saying,it was the same with me.everything was perfect our plans and feelings of love... I am in my 20's so everyone keeps telling me that I have still alot to see and experience and its not the end of it.i should take it as an experience and learn and grow move farward with my life...

What keeps me hooked is the attachment that I have never experienced before...

I make peace with myself and tell myself that it was meant to be this way and leave it to that.

It's just when I get up in morning the first thought I have is that 'he is gone 'and I start creaking out... is this normal ... have you experienced it ?

I don't want to have this feeling cause messes up with my day and whatever's yet To come...

I m thinking about mentioning it in my 'cope up' post.

[JRT]

Yes, those are natural feelings. I recall the same sort of thing with my ex. At one point soon after she had disappeared, I went out to dinner and the mall with my daughter and I recall remarking, 'it sure feels funny not having her with us doesn't it'. My daughter very much agreed. She was with us every day. If we were not at work, we were together. Even if this were a non-romantic r/s, having a odd feelings like these is normal.

I'll look for that post!