Should I get back with my ex who promised to get help?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I broke up with my ex after a three-year relationship. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells around her. She hated me talking to my mom, my sister and even my friends and would give me silent treatment even when I speak to them for over 10 minutes in the car. I loved her soo much; I still love her to my core.  But... There was this rage whenever she gets upset. I did everything in my power to make her happy. But there were these constant fights over silly things. On the night of the breakup, she ran outside in the middle of the night (not the first time she does that when she's upset). Then she took the knife and threatened to cut herself (not the First time, but I didn't see any self-harm
behaviours, it's just threats to get my attention). At that moment, I told her to drop the knife; otherwise, I'll call the police. After a few minutes of intense persuasion, she agreed to drop the knife. I said I can't do this forever and said we should break up. She accepted my decision and helped me even pack my stuff. I left our house for hotel accommodation.

After the breakup(5 months), I got my life together, got in the best shape of my life. But there's this emptiness, and I miss her so badly every day. There's no day without me crying and thinking about her. So a couple of days ago, I did contact her! She's doing well, got her licence and is studying to further her career. I was happy for her. She mentioned the things that happened in our lives and was even reading self-help books on codependency. She agreed to even go for DBT therapy.

Still, I'm not sure if I should gamble my life again and put us back together to the toxic situation. Please help. Should I stay friends and support her, or should I get back to her? I'm not sure. I get panic attacks when I think about getting back with her. Also I've dated a few girls when I was single. Sure enough she asked about it for which I didn't reply. I’m sure that topic will come around if I ever get back with her. Thanks for reading and please give me some insights

[Istherehope88]

I broke up with my ex after a three-year relationship. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells around her. She hated me talking to my mom, my sister and even my friends and would give me silent treatment even when I speak to them for over 10 minutes in the car. I loved her soo much; I still love her to my core.  But... There was this rage whenever she gets upset. I did everything in my power to make her happy. But there were these constant fights over silly things. On the night of the breakup, she ran outside in the middle of the night (not the first time she does that when she's upset). Then she took the knife and threatened to cut herself (not the First time, but I didn't see any self-harm
behaviours, it's just threats to get my attention). At that moment, I told her to drop the knife; otherwise, I'll call the police. After a few minutes of intense persuasion, she agreed to drop the knife. I said I can't do this forever and said we should break up. She accepted my decision and helped me even pack my stuff. I left our house for hotel accommodation.

After the breakup(5 months), I got my life together, got in the best shape of my life. But there's this emptiness, and I miss her so badly every day. There's no day without me crying and thinking about her. So a couple of days ago, I did contact her! She's doing well, got her licence and is studying to further her career. I was happy for her. She mentioned the things that happened in our lives and was even reading self-help books on codependency. She agreed to even go for DBT therapy.

Still, I'm not sure if I should gamble my life again and put us back together to the toxic situation. Please help. Should I stay friends and support her, or should I get back to her? I'm not sure. I get panic attacks when I think about getting back with her. Also I've dated a few girls when I was single. Sure enough she asked about it for which I didn't reply. I’m sure that topic will come around if I ever get back with her. Thanks for reading and please give me some insights

[Lucky Jim]

She mentioned the things that happened in our lives and was even reading self-help books on codependency. She agreed to even go for DBT therapy.

Hey Istherehope,  Talk is cheap.  I suggest you delay any decisions until after she gets help.  Those w/BPD say a lot of things to keep one engaged, but they lack follow-through. 

In my view, when one's SO is wielding a knife, it's a big red flag - - and time to move on.  It doesn't get better, my friend.

LuckyJim

[an-cat-dubh]

I get panic attacks when I think about getting back with her.

I would heed your gut feeling. Maybe if she does DBT on her own she will get better but that stuff takes time and dedication.

[Giulietta]

Still, I'm not sure if I should gamble my life again and put us back together to the toxic situation. Please help. Should I stay friends and support her, or should I get back to her? I'm not sure. I get panic attacks when I think about getting back with her. Also I've dated a few girls when I was single. Sure enough she asked about it for which I didn't reply. I’m sure that topic will come around if I ever get back with her. Thanks for reading and please give me some insights

Even if she does get help and works really hard on getting better, that will take time, possibly even years. So unless you are prepared to live with that drama again at least for a while, I would say no, don't do it. My person with BPD has been doing therapy and psychiatric treatment with very famous professionals from this field for many years, and none of that helped so far. He got much worse actually. Granted, he is very ill and has several other issues aside from BPD, but you get what I mean, it's not going to suddenly be all roses just because she said she will go to therapy. There will be other fights like the one you described. And if the idea of getting back together gives you panic, it probably means it's not the best thing for you, and deep down you know it.

[Rex31807]

In my experience the rage cycles increased to the point where it was almost constant. They typically were on a monthly basis and then it was bi-monthly. At the end it was weekly. She hit me multiple times over random small issues.

She jumped out of the car at a stop light one time and i finally got her in the car again. Then she smashed a very large mirror we bought to go on a door in the bathroom  in the backseat of the highlander and the 45 minute drive was terrifying. I was scared she would use the smashed glass as a weapon.

You got out at the right time. You go back and you could end up in jail for something you didnt do. Stay away.

[B53]

My ex was getting help and we gave it another try. It wasn’t long before he was painting me black over something he thought I said. I take some responsibly in the fact, that the prolonged mental abuse, had taken its toll and I was not stable enough myself to do what I needed to do, to help with his recovery. I was glad that I gave it another try, only because I would have always wondered if with the therapy, it would have worked. It ended horribly. I am now in counseling and am slowly seeing the parts of the person I use to be. I am still grieving and still have moments of sadness, but I have far more good days than bad. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Even with help, she will still need a lot of support and that will require you be well grounded. If you are getting panic attacks you might want to get help for you first. As they say, you need to put your face mask on first, before you help others.

Best of luck with, whichever decision you make.
B53

[Rex31807]

Dont do it. You will waste 10 or more years of yojr life znd become co-dependent. Get away and find yourself.

[crushedagain]

The knife thing is way too much. I wouldn't do it.

[MeandThee29]

Our mutual therapist who knew our history said a year living separately while he did DBT. After a year, I could reevaluate.

Well, didn't happen of course. The last time he did therapy, he quit after a month. That's when she diagnosed him, but I didn't know until she told me after he had committed to a lease many state away. He decided that nothing was wrong with him, and I was the crazy one. We are divorced.

[Couper]

If agreeing to do DBT is purely on the condition that you get back with her, I say don't go back.  Her dedication to bettering herself should not have strings attached.  She has to want to do it for herself whether you are there or not.  If she is saying that she won't seek help for herself unless you come back, then she is effectively saying that she will continue to harm herself (in the form of not seeking help) if you don't come back.  Just like before, except this time she's not holding a knife.   

[Sappho11]

A friend of mine put it this way: "In the relationship with [your ex], you'll always have to be the bigger, better person."

Are you prepared to do that? To take undue accusations on the chin? To remain reasonable in the face of madness? To see her make lofty promises, only to break every single one of them within the shortest amount of time? To catch glimpses of the person you love and miss so dearly, only to see them be replaced with a Mr Hyde version of themselves? Are you ready to take care of yourself first and foremost, to set boundaries, yet accept that attending to your ex-girlfriend's needs will likely occupy a large part of your mental, physical and emotional capabilities and cause you a great deal of psychological stress?

Some people here seem to be able to do it. I have the greatest respect for them, because I don't think I could.

[Rex31807]

I couldnt fulfill all of her wants. They were constantly changing. She had no concept of one thing at a time and finish what you start. The stress over taking care of her every want was overwhelming. It was stressful because she would criticize and get mad.

I hated rubbing her feet because it always led to a fight. I would rub her feet for 30 minutes and she would get mad and say i half ass tried. That would be after i cooked dinner and probably cleaned the kitchen too.  Not to mention the fact that i bought the groceries.  It was a one way street.

I could not fill that bottomless pit.