Hi adventurer.
I also have had similar experiences to the ones that you described. Grieving is a pretty normal and healthy response, even though it feels pretty awful. Sorry you are going through it right now.
A couple of things stand out in your post.
So, even suspecting that counseling wouldn't go far, I'm just disappointed that it happened so soon. I asked my wife, since she thought that no counselors care about helping people, if it was worth my time to try to find someone else she might like better. She is 'willing' to try someone else but I think I know how that will go. I'm just very sad about this. I somehow feel that it's even worse to be let down when you predict ahead of time that it will happen.
When you think about MC, what are the most important things that need to improve in your marriage and relationship with your wife? Based on those answers, how do you feel about the boundaries that you have in those areas?
My wife also went through the whole MC is taking sides, likes you better, doesn't like me, doesn't understand me thing. I also felt that she was sabotaging working with this person because she didn't want it to work. Nearly a year later, we are still seeing our MC, and things are going a little better. It's always a dance, to be certain, but we occasionally get to talk if not resolve some dynamics. But for me, seeing the MC was a condition of my staying. Do you think that is a possibility for you? That your wife is on guard and looking for the worst in the MC just reflects the deep shame and judgment she has about herself, which is so hard to work with.
I snapped for a second and told her "I'm sorry for making you feel bad because I have feelings." But I immediately started realizing the turn things were taking, turned it around and just let her know that everything would be fine, I just needed a few moments to collect myself and that I would be in a good mood soon. Gave her some affection and stopped the conversation from taking a downturn.
Realizing that our partners cannot be there for us in an emotionally supportive way is really hard to accept. I totally understand feeling let down here.
Still, you did a great job in staying engaged and not making things worse. If you do decide to stay, or if you choose to separate, this and boundaries are the path for communication. Sometimes, with my wife, I think that her intentions or interest in helping are genuine, but her brain's capacity to not freak out and then end up attacking is just really limited. Your wife may have been concerned about you feeling down and really wants to be able to talk an share - our distancing presses their abandonment buttons big time. But, in the end, the thoughts that she was already having about her perceptions of why you were feeling down just took over.
I don't stay too engaged with my wife when this sort of stuff happens. I just take care of my needs, particularly if I am feeling low. I let her know I will come back to talk later, but I need space ... .
I hope you take the time that you need to allow your grief. Write, draw, sit quietly in a place that allows you some space. If those feelings come out, you may find that there is more room to work within your dynamics than you thought.
