surfsupap1
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 13
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« on: June 20, 2019, 10:01:30 PM » |
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Ok, First it's just shy of 5 years since I started dating my BPD GF. This post is primarily about getting engaged to your BPD and what to expect.
I proposed to my BPD GF about a month and a half ago, after reconciling and moving back into her apartment after a 5 month break from the relationship. After 4 years all the battle scars were to much for both of us, and after a huge fight I moved out to work on myself, and try and rebuild my life. I spend a good deal of time grieving that I was in love with someone who would never be the exact person I expected to marry, I also learned to let go, did a lot of self care and even took a large butcher block of paper and mapped out my life as I wanted it. From this vantage point I very slowly re-entered the relationship trying very hard to set strict boundaries along the way as to how I wanted to be treated, and rewarded my BPD GF with lots of praise and love when she grew. I vowed I would enjoy each day of my life as if I was not in a relationship with a BPD while trying to be sensitive to her needs and fears. This mostly worked and in time we felt close enough that I surprised her with a beautiful ring. My intention that this gesture would solidly show her that she could trust me, and I assumed things would be so much easier and she would be even easier to be around. Sadly, for me there is a lot of bitterness and hate deep inside and I have been reading lots of books on forgives and letting this go so I can truly love my BPD GF again. I am also working on my own reactions, which can be very very defensive when I am confronted with unexpected BPD behavior. I am trying to learn to breath in theses moments, wiggle my toes, and then go take a time out before I blow up or storm out of the room. My BPD GF asked that I just tell her XYZ hurt me and she promises to react kindly, however, I am not been able often enough to remember this as my blood pressure is shooting through the roof. But I am trying to slow my reactions down.
Sadly, within days of presenting the ring, we had huge fights every week as the idea that we were each making a life long commitment to someone who had caused us so much pain in the past. We started drawing battle lines and assuming that if either of us gave an inch, it would mean a future life of even more pain. After canceling the engagement at least three times, it felt like we were finally getting through the difficult period and taking time each morning to vow to be "be committed to the other person and ourselves". Sadly, after being screamed at for not agreeing on a plot in a movie we had watched days before, I lost it, went for a walk and essentially have not been back. I sent her an email with a handful of links to treatment programs and said if she did not get help this summer I would end the relationship. Of course, you can probably guess her reply. I am back in the hotel I lived in on our last breakup.
Below are my notes from our 4th and 3rd anniversaries. My point of posting all this is first, for those who think and engagement will solve everything, be prepared for the opposite. My advice is like all things with a BPD, make no surprises. Spend some time talking with them about the idea, get their buy in, and don't rush it. My other point, is this is all very hard. I came back to the relationship because after a long period of grieving, I came to accept my BPD GF and vowed to myself that I would learn to be loving, comforting and yet politely solid in my commitment to myself and how I required to be treated. If she could treat me well, which I could see happening, I would move forward. Over the last handful of months, I really grew as a person and learned that I did not need to get her permission to do or think in any special way. I could have my own opinion and do things on my own without her and it was ok. I feel more solid about myself. My hope now is that after many requests that she get professional help and take her sensitivities seriously she will. I will love her, and support her growth, while continually working on self care and letting go and being happy in my life each day.
Lessons from years 4 and 3
Hi everyone, I wanted to quickly say a few words that may help. First, below is my post from a year or so ago. It's now the 4th year anniversary with my BPD GF. The last year has been a brutal humbling experience and in hindsight, I realize that, much of the below is sounded good, it helped very little.
It was in the end only my attempt to change the BPD and deal with my own neediness. Please read the book
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson. You have to either choose to be truly happy in your life or choose to be unhappy. You have to decide that you want to enjoy your life and there is to reason for stress, inner pain or fear.
Excerpt
Your BPD should be free to act and speak how ever she or he wants, just accept them as they are. Your role is to set boundaries and stand by them. If your BPD continues to hurt you, then you have to walk away. Stop swimming up stream! If your BPD really loves you they will have to take responsibility for the fact their actions hurt you. The longer you coddle them, or play the victim, the longer they will not change and you will suffer. The best quote I heard is "Treat yourself, as you would treat others". Walk away, be happy, enjoy your life. Disengage with love and compassion, no arguing or hurting your BPD, they will return and grow and step up to the plate, and you can reward and love them. But don't backslide on you, you only have one life to live.
Quote from: surfsupap1 on July 28, 2017, 03:36:27 PM
Hi everyone, I am celebrating the 3 year mark with my BPD GF and thought I would pass along some notes on what has worked and what has not worked from the standpoint of a partner who is trying to keep the relationship alive. I am at work so I will keep this somewhat short.
First, I could write a book about the exceptionally difficult fights, mood swings, (last one being a running argument screaming at each other in a laundry mat until after 1:30 am then continuing the rest of the night at home only just a few days ago). First, a bit of background on me. I am 49 and came out of a divorce and have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about being yelled at and told what to do. I very much demand polite considerate speech and a loving accepting attitude. This is like oil and water with my BPD GF when she is in an emotional whirlpool.
I have learned the following:
First, we each have a monster that arises when we are scared (all of us, BPD's simply feel emotions more deeply, both positive and negative), inside this monster you have to invision a scared little girl or boy who simply wants to be accepted, understood and loved. If you keep this picture in your mind and simply work with your BPD like they are a little hurt struggling child when they are emotional it will help you not get triggered yourself.
Second, don't argue, be defensive or try and reason with them when they are in the emotional whirlpool. It will only suck you in and you will be off to the races with a tit for tat fight. My advise is close your mouth and listen intently to what they are saying, they just want to be heard and validated. Picture yourself as the sitting Buddha, (wise, confident, respecting and loving while firm). Don't get off track with them, try and get them to work on one topic at a time. Tell them you understand, and agree with the parts you can actually agree with. Tell them how you will work to be more considerate or what ever they are asking for. The bottom line is they desperately need you to be solid when they are in the whirlpool. They need to be able to trust that you will still love them, won't abandon them and want to fully understand what they are suffering with.
Third, one thing that is working for us is to call a "fire drill", when we are feeling tension with each other. This is a mandatory 15 minute isolated break from each other. We set the kitchen timer and each marches off to a prescribed place. We rotate between the bathroom and kitchen. Then we each take with us a journal and pen and try and write down our feelings and ways we can "get back to we" and find love. When the timer goes off we sit peacefully across from each other on the floor and try and find the "we" and peace. If we get out of control again we take another time out. If after the second timeout we can't find peace we have agreed upon negotiating together a longer timeout apart. The key is we have to agree together and set an exact time to get back together so the abandonment issued does not get triggered. With enough time apart we will cycle through our emotions and often find peace. (trust me all this is not easy and we have blown it many a time, but it gives us a structure we can depend on to reduce the dangerous escalations. Another tool is what we call "a sick day", this simply means for 24 hours there is no talking about the issue and we treat the party who called the "sick day" as actually really suffering from the cold, etc. This really works if they are freaking out late at night. You can also give them a "peace note", say your are upset and want to schedule a time to talk when you can share your hurt feelings with them.
Fourth, your BPD is going to get activated by jealousy, and everything else under the sun. If something they do or say hurts you, simply say "ouch", or "that hurt me". This gives them a chance to correct themselves. The key is never say anything else, simply "ouch", I will sometimes simply stand there and say "ouch" firmly and lovingly. This can go on for a bit but don't let it become a game. The key is they need to tack responsibility for their emotions and how they affect you. If you are hurt, immediately say something or it will turn to bitterness and anger. Most importantly you immediately say "ouch", is in a relationship with a BPD you have to more than anything else RESPECT YOUR SELF! No one has the right to hurt you or make you feel bad. If this does not work, " What you did XYZ, hurt me, and I expect and apology", immediately accept their apology and do not in any way tell them why what they did was wrong. At all times, limit your words or you will re-activate them. You are trying to show them a safe accepting path and reward them when they do the right thing. You can also say XYZ hurt me and because you are not giving me and I am going to take a break somewhere else to cool down. You do this because you need your patience and peace of mind in these situations, you have to stay cool. Take the break to breath and reaffirm your right not to be hurt. It also gives your BPD time to also calm down and do the right thing.
Firth, living with a BPD is very very hard work. You have to take care of yourself and build space into your day week and month. Get sleep, eat right, exercise and try and do things away from them to rest from always having to be on the alert for the next blow up. If you don't do this you will go insane and this is not fair to you and will not help them.
Sixth, loving a BPD is a intricate dance. Be very attune to the triggers that affect them, while being mindful of the walking on eggshells feeling (when you are feeling this way, name the feeling in your head and picture the little girl inside the monster, picture yourself as the Buddha (calm and steady), you don't have to live in fear and it's ok to be vigilant of the things your BPD needs to be happy. Give them lots and I mean lots of notice and document it anytime you need to change something or do something that will be tuff for them. When they are in the whirlpool is very taxing and tuff not to get swept in also. Be calm, slow down your emotions, words and anything you want to convey to them, they will really only hear a bit of what your say anyway so it's no use. Just be a calm steady loving rock they can hold onto during this storm in their mind. You can't change them in any way, you are not their therapist! But they can learn from your example!
Lastly, whether you end the relationship for your own sanity (don't sugar coat how hard it is, or delude yourself in being the white knight, or get off on being a helper) or choose this is truly the one you want to live the rest of your life with, remember they have to help themselves with counseling, daily meditation or what ever they want to do, they have to do the work to get better. All you can do is stand by their side. If they are not willing to do the work, you can not wait forever for them and you need to let them know this. You have to have this discussion, tell them you desperately love them and believe in them, but you are struggling with XYZ and tell them what your limits are.
Good luck, please know for me it has taken three very long years to figure this stuff out, three hard years. But when your BPD is happy because they feel love and joy so much more deeply then most people it will be an absolute joy and the most magical experience for you. Just be realistic and remember they feel all the other emotions deeply as well. Don't hate them and remember they are really suffering in their own mind at those times. If you can't handle the ride don't get on the bull! It's not fair to you and it's not fair to them.
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