I'm trying and he's pulling away

[toomanyeggshells]

UBPDbf and I are still living together and as long as there's no violence, I'm staying (for now at least) so I'm posting here to get some thoughts.

When I come home from work, he's already been home for 2 hours, sitting on the couch watching tv.  I've started again saying hello when I walk in the door and going over and giving him a kiss hello, which he's told me he likes.  I get the same reaction from him as on the days that I just walk in, mumble "hello" and go about my business ... .nothing.  I don't expect him to jump up and wrap his arms around me, just to maybe acknowledge that I've walked in the door.  Next, I'll sit down next to him on the couch for a few minutes, which he also told me he wants, and try to engage in some conversation.  Again, nothing.  Either he'll keep staring at the tv or pick up the newspaper.  At that point, I get up and go about getting dinner ready or whatever.

For the last three nights, he's gone to bed at 8pm.  Usually we stay up and watch tv together until around 10, when I like to go to bed.  He stays up a bit later.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the fact that I have a few hours to myself at night, but I don't let him know that I'm happy about it. 

I've asked him nicely over the last few days if there's something on his mind he wants to discuss or if he's feeling ok.  I don't get much of a resonse.  Last night he actually criticized the way I've spoken to him - saying that I'm acting like a child   .  He wants me to sit next to him on the couch at night but when I've done it the last few nights, he's not responded at all.  Usually, he'll put him arm around me and we sit there together watching tv for a while.  Usually, I'd rather be doing something else but I am happy to sit with him for a while at night.

This silent treatment just feels different somehow.  I've been through this   plenty with him, but something else seems up and I don't know what. 

I'm just going to continue to try to stay in a good mood, not let him bring me down mentally and treat him in a kind, loving manner as long as he's not abusive.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[downandin]

So much the same story here that it is again 'frightening.'  It is unbelievable how similar so many of our experiences really are.  I could have written this exact post about my wife.  She pushes me away every day of our marriage and then blames me for not being close.  It really hurts reading you post because it hits so close to home.  I am one of the most touchy, feely, snuggly men in the world.  Or I used to be... .

[toomanyeggshells]

yep downandin, I understand completely.  When I give him what he says he wants (at least partly), it still doesn't matter.  Its never exactly right and it never can be no matter how hard I try.  That's why I don't make myself crazy anymore trying to be what he wants.  I can only be myself.  If I want to snuggle up with him on the couch, I do.  If he makes a nasty comment about it, I get up and walk away.  Its his loss.  I just try to keep myself busy and occupied with other things that make me happy. 

[Nonamouse]

I'm just going to continue to try to stay in a good mood, not let him bring me down mentally and treat him in a kind, loving manner as long as he's not abusive.

I'm not a therapist, and I haven't slept a Holiday Inn in a while, but I think this is the right approach. I used to get very frustrated when I put in a lot of effort to try and be extra nice or helpful, or tolerant and validating when my BPDw has an episode. Only to have it not appreciated or even get it thrown back at me as an attack. So I've realized it has more to do with her than me. I can make it worse - I have, often - but there's not really much I can do to make it better. In my case, it's my responsibility to be the responsible one and that's about all I can get satisfaction out of at this point.

[eeyore]

it's like the calm before the storm.  And it's triggering you... .

[toomanyeggshells]

it's like the calm before the storm.  And it's triggering you... .

There's ALWAYS a storm brewing.  Just because he's calm at one moment means nothing for the next moment.   How do you think that's triggering me?  By making me question his pulling away and non-communication?

[jads]

I agree with eeyore, that behavior, the withdrawal, is a trigger.  It is for me anyway; I start to freak out because I know that the ___ is going to hit the fan, and maybe it's for a big reason, like a financial setback due to a yet unknown manic spending spree or an affair that is going to cause total upheaval, or maybe it is for no reason at all.  In the meantime, we get to freak out about what may be headed our way, because it is always something.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Our partners live in the moment, and what they wanted yesterday or this morning is not necessarily what they want right now. So the demands they put on us are ever changing. Find out what you're okay with giving, and stick to that. Do your own thing. Try to enjoy the calm. There's always a storm brewing, not much we can do to stop it. They have to learn to self sooth and deal with their own ups and downs. It's best for us, for our well-being, to stay calm and don't feed to much into their moods.

[toomanyeggshells]

They have to learn to self sooth and deal with their own ups and downs.

But how will uBPDbf ever learn to self sooth?  Will he figure it out if I work the lessons, not make things worse and take care of myself?  Is there anything I can do to help him figure it out?  (I think I already know the answer to the last question)

[eeyore]

They have to learn to self sooth and deal with their own ups and downs.

But how will uBPDbf ever learn to self sooth?  Will he figure it out if I work the lessons, not make things worse and take care of myself?  Is there anything I can do to help him figure it out?  (I think I already know the answer to the last question)

Some never learn.  You may do everything right.  But still he won't learn.   Can you come to acceptance on that?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

They have to learn to self sooth and deal with their own ups and downs.

But how will uBPDbf ever learn to self sooth?  Will he figure it out if I work the lessons, not make things worse and take care of myself?  Is there anything I can do to help him figure it out?  (I think I already know the answer to the last question)

Well, with you taking care of yourself, keeping a firm division of his stuff vs my stuff, and not letting yourself getting dragged into dysregulation with him, he might get better at self soothing. I can't say that he'll have a light bulb moment of seeing his behaviour as destructive, but with you taking away the opportunity for him to self-sooth by projecting onto you (attacking you, blaming you, being mad at you etc), he will eventually find other ways of feeling better. Consistent responses/behaviours from your side, detachment and boundaries are needed. Easy in theory, not so easy in practise. 

I liked what you said about going to try to stay in a good mood and not let him bring you down. Being too enmeshed with our partners, we tend to take on their moods or feel responsible for their moods. But they are their moods, not ours.

[toomanyeggshells]

Some never learn.  You may do everything right.  But still he won't learn.   Can you come to acceptance on that?

Honestly, for the long term, I don't know.  I guess for today I can accept it.  Tomorrow, who knows? 

[toomanyeggshells]

I liked what you said about going to try to stay in a good mood and not let him bring you down. Being too enmeshed with our partners, we tend to take on their moods or feel responsible for their moods. But they are their moods, not ours.

I'm really working on this.  Yesterday, the weather was beautiful and uBPDbf and I were working in the yard.  A few times he started getting nasty and short with me about something minor.  I just took a deep breath, looked at the beautiful blue sky and kept going.  I was determined that I wasn't going to let him run my day.   

[eeyore]

I was determined that I wasn't going to let him run my day.   

  Good job.