Hi sheepintampa,
I recently learned about BPD and realized my spouse carries many traits. A co-worker of mine has a husband who sounds like my wife's clone. It is eerie. This discovery in the past few weeks has made me realize how guarded I have been, how deeply wounded I let myself be and how I cannot continue like this.
You insight that you can't continue down this path enables you to change course.
I have begged to go to marriage counseling, but she refuses. She thinks counselors are quacks who only want to prescribe drugs, based on an experience where I had convinced her to go early in our marriage.
Here is the good news: MC with BPD is not really recommended so missing out on it won't be such a loss.
I have gone on my own before, and all the anxieties and blaming myself I harbored came out. I tried to get her to go then, too, but she would not.
Good for you. Maybe a repeat round for you now?
It is understandable that she is concerned about medication - who would not. Medication in some cases may support therapy for BPD but won't tackle any of the core problems. She also would not benefit from the type of therapy that you went through which you describe in part as painful experience. She needs "simply" emotional education and training in skills i.e. DBT. Probably will take a while until she gets the insight - you pushing right now will be contra-productive. Get first a deeper understanding of the situation by discussing here on the board.
I know I carry blame for problems in our marriage, too, as we all do. I don't know how to fix this, though. We have tried on our own over 17 years of marriage, and I am so ready to give up. I respect my vows, and I know how it would hurt my 15 and 11-year olds if it came to it, but I don't know what else to do. It just feels awful.
Well, thing have to change. I understand like all of us you can't change your sheepish core but you can put on a different skin
Things don't change overnight and not everything can be changed. However don't underestimate your power to affect meaningful change. The tools here are effective in getting back control in the areas that matter to you. Vortex mentioned communication tools - they allow you to decrease triggering frequency and give you a much better understanding of what seems unpredictable behavior. Then there are boundaries which allow you to protect what is important while minimizing the inevitable conflict around that change.
You find it all spelled out in the LESSONS post above. Read through them. Mostly these are skills and take practice and feedback. That is what this board is about. Not only but also to support you when you feel down
,
a0
