Wow, I think I'm losing my mind: discovered his secret BDSM life, what do I do?

[Dinesen]

I thought up until this past year I was an emotionally healthy human being. Now, I'm not really sure of anything. Well I don't really mean that, for all practical purposes I'm fine but I have certainly been on an emotional roller coaster the likes I have never known.
First, let me begin by saying I work in healthcare. I am a Cardiac Nurse Practitioner so as a general rule I am very calm and controlled when confronted with crisis. I met him a little more than a year ago. I was on a leave of absence from my regular job to care for my Mom who was ill. I took a little job to pick up some extra money which is where I met him. He was my boss. I have known him for a little more than a year. We began a relationship perhaps 10 months ago when I left to go back to my regular job. It was not a "normal" relationship from the get go. He was nothing I would have ever chosen in a partner but he appeared to be fun and easy-going but most importantly appeared to accept me for who I was (which was refreshing).
From my standpoint our relationship was more friendship than romance although we did kiss and hold hands. He also treated me like a romantic partner talking about future plans and an extended life together. I knew he was emotional which to a great extent was a good balance to someone who never wears her heart on her sleeve. I didn't really see the emotional outbursts, anger issues or poor coping skills until about 3 months into the relationship. At times, I felt like I was dealing with a child. He then had some personal issues (his Mother died suddenly and a nephew who he brought here to be a part of his business ended up being a disaster). He needed someone for emotional support and I was most definitely there to fill the bill. He told me he was falling into a deep depression and had problems with this in the past. I did a thorough history and physical exam for him and prescribed him an antidepressant. ( he had lost his medical coverage)
However, as time wore on and we became closer multiple things begin to surface. He lied, plain and simple and about everything. When I would confront him he would get angry and somehow I started to believe things I knew to be false. Additionally, when there was anytime we argued, the relationship was over. I was the person always making amends even when I was not at fault. I repeatedly told him that I would be there for him in hopes that he would understand that just because 2 people have a disagreement that does not end a relationship. Soon after the nastiness and anger started. He was verbally abusive and very mean but I was just quiet and would remove myself from the situation. His demeanor changed markedly and I said perhaps he needed a different antidepressant. He replied by telling me he had stopped taking the med I gave him some time ago.
I guess at this point I knew something was wrong and as a true clinician began my quest to discover the problem. At first I thought it was NPD because he was also unbelievably self-centered and self absorbed. However, his characteristics didn't quite fit the bill. It took me a few months but finally I read about BPD and was reasonably certain that was his issue. At a particularly volatile point in our relationship I told him I thought this was the problem and I would try to seek help for him. He never responded. The relationship continued waxing and waning but a very peculiar thing happened. As I stated, our relationship was never one which had a large physical component which was OK with me because of all the other issues. However, I always wondered about it. Everyone who knew us thought we were having an intimate relationship. I questioned him about the physical relationship and he said he respected me and wanted it to be right.  This aspect of the BPD was always perplexing to me since sexual risk taking seemed to be a large part of BPD.  He had so many of the other BPD behaviors I thought perhaps in this area he was spared. Fast forward to last week... .he gave me his Amazon password to access an account to which he was pursuing a business opportunity. (I was editing and proofreading information). However, when I went to utilize my own account his info remained and his purchasing information appeared on my computer screen.  And there it was... .all kind of sex toys, sex apparatus, clothing (kinky outrageous stuff); I wanted to throw up. I didn't really understand. I said nothing because I didn't know what to make of this. Then later in the week he made a casual reference to BDSM which I also didn't understand. Again, I took to the compute to research BDSM. To be candid, I was probably happier not knowing. I also did something which makes me feel horrible about myself. I searched the history on his computer and of course I discovered sites to meet BDSM people.
It has been a week and I have seen him multiple times since I discovered his double life. I don't know what to do. My first inclination was to walk away. The relationship with him is so very draining and I get little if anything in return. Then I thought, perhaps this was a cry for help, that he wanted me to find out. I realize this is way beyond my scope of understanding. I also know that his only hope is in professional help. Should I tell him I know? Working in healthcare I can find him resources for treatment if he would utilize them. Alternatively,  I think am I merely an enabler, a co-dependent? Should I just walk away?  I just don't know what to do.
  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Dinesen,



Glad you found us, but sorry to hear the circumstances.

One to know is that we do not advise people to stay or go, everyone has individual reasons to sort through with their relationships and we are here to support, understand, and encourage you to discover what is best for you.

I am sorry that you discovered about sexual interests in this way and not from him directly. I think if you do bring it up with him this would be the angle to take. You stumbled onto this information and you wanted him to know that you are aware of it because you do not want to have this secret from him, but that is just my take.

In terms of not understanding, if you are up for it, perhaps it is best to just ask and get his perspective on this - what it means for him sexually, what it could mean for you two, etc. Is it about role playing or how far does this go and what does it mean for him in terms of his sexuality, desires, and practices? It doesn't seem as if he is able to have a sexual relationship with you, would you say?

If you are decided you don't want to continue with him... .would you still want to ask or just let this be?

One thing we talk about here is making sure that we respect our own values. It is not a good idea to twist and contort in order to be with someone. So, whatever you do, whatever you decide, look inside yourself and find what feels right for you. It is definitely a good idea to consider if you are enabling or are co-dependent. It is one thing to support, another to take on another person's problem solving - the latter is not advisable.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Lady Itone]

My first inclination was to walk away. The relationship with him is so very draining and I get little if anything in return. Then I thought, perhaps this was a cry for help, that he wanted me to find out. I realize this is way beyond my scope of understanding. I also know that his only hope is in professional help.

Is your username after Isak Dinesen? If so, you score points with this literary geek

Only you can decide if you want to continue participating in this relationship. You've measured it up succinctly ("so very draining and I get little if anything in return" On top of that, you now know his sexuality lives in a place you don't particularly want to visit.   

Sounds like you'd consider staying in the relationship just to help him? Or do you hope you can convince him to work through his uBPD and his kinks so he can become a better partner to you? Do you think he wants to change?

Even if he meant for you to find out about his BSDM activities, he may not want you to help him stop doing them. He may feel just fine about his sex life. The real question is, are YOU ok with his sexual focus being where it is?   

[pearlsw]

Even if he meant for you to find out about his BSDM activities, he may not want you to help him stop doing them. He may feel just fine about his sex life. The real question is, are YOU ok with his sexual focus being where it is?   

Exactly this.

~pearl.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Dinesen-
Sorry - a very confusing and painful situation you find yourself in, I understand.  The other ladies gave you good advice, and it’s up to you whether you choose to continue to become more involved with This man.  It’s so important to understand that we cannot “fix” or “heal” pwBPD.  You’re a healer by nature, so this is probably a very difficult concept for you to grasp - but ask anyone on these boards.

The only advice I would give is for you to not prescribe meds for him. If he wants to meet with a Psychiatrist for his Depression, that would seem more appropriate for the medication route.  You don’t want to be blamed for a medication backfire or bad reaction.  In these tumultuous relationships, we’re often blamed for enough as it is.  Even without insurance, he can likely visit a clinic.

As far as his sexual proclivities, I believe this was far from a cry for help.  Rather, it was a not so subtle means to measure your level of interest or curiosity in HIS interests.  He didn’t have the guts to raise the issue with you directly, although didn’t you state that he made mention of BDSM AFTER you had the password?  Pretty interesting timing... .

So bottom line I guess, without mincing words, is that it all really DOES depend upon what you’re willing to bring into your life.  You can continue things as they are, knowing he’ll continue to pursue his extracurricular activities; or you can change things.  WITH or without him in your life.

And you know the old saying... .we can lead a horse to water, but we can’t make him happy with the missionary position if he needs to be whipped.  Please accept my apologies for this BDSM  attempt at humor.  By the way, I had to look up BDSM, too!

Finally, please let me assure you that just because you’ve met an emotionally unstable man and felt you have been on the roller coaster, does NOT make you an emotionally unhealthy woman.

Please keep talking to us - regardless of what you decide to do.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes