New and hoping for some support

[Coastgirl]

I have finally come to terms that my husband has BPD. We have been married for 12 years and he tried to commit suicide 1.5 years ago. He has PTSD from his childhood as his mother has BPD. She also died suddenly a few months ago and it is likely she committed suicide.

My concern is his aggressiveness is getting more severe and he is completely ignoring me. I have been giving him tons of space as that typically helps. The problem that I run into is when he is aggressive to me I get defensive which makes him feel invalidated. I then feel like I am a punching bag just taking his insults. I have finally come to terms that he is projecting the way he feels onto me and that it's not personal but man most days it feels personal. He is isolating himself and I know he is lonely but if I offer my company he won't have it. It is the hardest thing to sit back and watch the most incredible person be torn apart. has anything helped for anyone else?

Just some background. We both have individual counselors but they don't talk and he will not go somewhere together with me.

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[Harri]

Hi Coastgirl and welcome.  

I am sorry to hear that things are so difficult but I am glad you found us.  A lot of us can relate to what you have shared.  The good news is we get it here.  The other good news is that yes, things can get better for you.  We have tools and coping skills here that you can learn that will help you and sometimes helps your pwBPD (person with BPD).  We have seen some bad situations really take a turn for the better.  it takes time though.

The problem that I run into is when he is aggressive to me I get defensive which makes him feel invalidated. I then feel like I am a punching bag just taking his insults. I have finally come to terms that he is projecting the way he feels onto me and that it's not personal but man most days it feels personal.

Can you tell us more about him getting aggressive with you?  Maybe give a he said/she said run down of a typical incident?  It just helps us to have a better picture of what is going on.

When our loved ones project and use us as a punching bag, it *is* hard to not take it personally.  How do you typically respond?

I hope you settle in and read and post more.  Other than here and your therapist (T), what support do you have for you?

[Coastgirl]

Thank you so much for your support. I am very happy to have found this group.

Can you tell us more about him getting aggressive with you?  Maybe give a he said/she said run down of a typical incident?  It just helps us to have a better picture of what is going on.

One example is - We were going camping and I made cookies. I was going to put them on top in the cooler and he said "I think we need to find a bowl to put them in" I responded with "oh I don't think that's needed they will be ok" He slammed the cooler shut and said "see you don't care about anything I have to say". He said something else along the lines of you just disregard me. I said "No i'm not trying to disregard you I just don't think the bowl is necessary."  We were in a great place and mood before this happened so it caught me off guard. It led to him completely ignoring me for the night in front of our friends and me leaving early as I didn't want to stick around and be treated that way.

How do you typically respond?

Oh this has been an evolving situation for me. I use to take it personal and would fight and defend myself. Once I figured that didn't do any good I started internalizing it and would apologize whether or not I was at fault. I just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and it has helped me with my responses. I am trying to make sure he feels validated and heard without taking responsibility unless I did do something wrong. If he is screaming or just being critical and mean I leave the situation and come back later.

Other than here and your therapist (T), what support do you have for you?

Not much really which is why I am so happy to be here. My family is in the "just leave him camp" which isn't helpful. My husband and I work together as well so we have mutual friends. I really want to respect his privacy so I try not to vent with them. I have a couple friends but they don't see the behavior and are just unsure of what to say. I typically find myself avoiding the topic unless I am with my counselor.
 

[Cinnamonx7]

I can only reply as a “daughter” who has dad with BPD.
I can tell you that I slowly watched how never-ending stressors seemed to make the disorder appear or manifest.

We were pretty dang close and enjoyed doing fun stuff together and as you describe above it became more of ignoring me, being really angry and aggressive.

I researched until I was blue in the face and it was such a relief to know I was not alone.

Lucky for me, he opens up during non episodes and we are reading material and watching videos together.

But just as you start building a trust back, WHAM- another episode and your left feeling so puzzled.

The more you learn, the better able you can cope. Like we are now learning about the splitting part.

One of the hardest things is wondering wow is this really how he feels about me when I’ve done nothing. That’s the splitting part where his emotions are so overwhelming and they build up and pop like a balloon. He has no coping skills yet and that’s our goal is the therapy.

[Harri]

Oh this has been an evolving situation for me. I use to take it personal and would fight and defend myself. Once I figured that didn't do any good I started internalizing it and would apologize whether or not I was at fault. I just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and it has helped me with my responses. I am trying to make sure he feels validated and heard without taking responsibility unless I did do something wrong. If he is screaming or just being critical and mean I leave the situation and come back later.

Good, validation can help though you are right it does not always work, especially when our pwBPD is already upset.  Usually then it is best to leave and come back like you do.

Internalizing it is obviously not good and taking the blame for something you did not do or was wrong is not healthy for you so I am glad you stopped doing that.    We have several articles here on Validation, though most often we talk about it in terms of not invalidating the other person.  Here is a great article about that:  Don't Be Invalidating  Be sure to click on the green button at the end of the article to read more on not invalidating our partner.   Like when your husband said "you disregard me" and you responded that you don't... chances are, even though you did not mean to invalidate him, he felt that way.  Unfortunately, for a lot of pwBPD, feelings equal facts so if he feels you invalidated him then you did.  

We have other tools that can help as well.  Ones that most members find immediately beneficial are here:  How to Get the Most Out of This Site

As for your family not being supportive, a lot of our members have found that to be true as well.  Same with some friends.   You will get the most benefit from this site by reading, posting and chatting with others in their threads.  The collective wisdom that is found here is incredible.  So is the feeling of knowing you are not alone.

Let me know wha tyou think of the articles.  

[Coastgirl]

I appreciate the article! I read it and will read it again in the morning. If I can be honest I don't know if I can do this. My husband is brilliant and can memorize and repeat conversations from years ago. When I am emotional or in conflict my memory shuts off. My point is that having a conversation with him often results in my words being flipped around and by the end of it I am the person who doesn't understand, support or care about him.

I'm not ready to give up but I have not felt this low. I am grateful to be here and not alone in my feelings.

[Coastgirl]

Thank you for your support. I love that you guys are looking at material together, that is so supportive.
I am definitely struggling with the fact that although he is taking things out on me it is not about me. I value everything he says so that has been a real struggle. I'm a work in progress Smiling (click to insert in post)

[Harri]

I appreciate the article! I read it and will read it again in the morning. If I can be honest I don't know if I can do this. My husband is brilliant and can memorize and repeat conversations from years ago. When I am emotional or in conflict my memory shuts off. My point is that having a conversation with him often results in my words being flipped around and by the end of it I am the person who doesn't understand, support or care about him.

I'm not ready to give up but I have not felt this low. I am grateful to be here and not alone in my feelings.

It is okay.  Sometimes, the best we can do is learn not to invalidate.  That is often more important than validation in many situations.  The tools we use here take practice and time to learn too.  So posting scenarios can help.  The tools will work best when they flow naturally and from a place of care and concern, love even.  It can take time to get to that place.  Certainly, when your husband is already dysregulated, I would not try validation.  I would go for Don't invalidate, boundaries, and Don't JADE.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend or explain.  When we do those things the conflict can escalate and they also put us on the defensive making it seem like we are guilty.  

I'm not ready to give up but I have not felt this low. I am grateful to be here and not alone in my feelings.

    We've got you.

[Coastgirl]

Oh man I have never heard JADE before. I just had a fairly productive conversation by repeating that in my head. Still so far to go but I am happy to see the difference in his response by using that rule. I actually feel like there is hope for me being able to reach him and actually support him the way that he needs. I am very grateful!

[Harri]

  Well done!  Here's a link to Don't JADE if you want to read more about it.

Remember, the tools take time and practice to learn but they can help a lot.  Also, I think of the tools as helping me more than anyone else.  They make my life easier too.  Plus, they work with anyone, not just people with BPD.