3.03 | Domestic violence [women]

[allibaba]

I just wanted to say THANK YOU for this posting.  

This afternoon my husband came home and threatened me.  Because I had read this posting, I knew that I had to get out immediately before the situation became worse.  I am now sitting in a domestic violence shelter in a dark room and my son is asleep in the crib in here.

My husband is sending message after message that if I don't come home with his son (our son).  He will call the police and report that I have kidnapped him.  I responded that we would both be home soon but that I did not feel safe at home right now (true).  

I don't know what will come out of this situation but I know that this posting probably saved my bacon today.  

[ForeverDad]

My husband is sending message after message that if I don't come home with his son (our son).  He will call the police and report that I have kidnapped him.

Reality check... .   He's huffing and puffing as far as the legal consequences so it's mostly hot air, his sense of emotional entitlement and need to demand and control.  As your DV shelter counselors and even the police would probably tell you, as parents and as husband and wife, you both have equal but unspecified rights as parents.  The police won't force you to go back.  The police won't force an exchange since there is no court order specifying a parenting time schedule or exchange times and locations.  The police won't declare an Amber Alert on you, not without reasonable cause.  Yes, if he calls them, they may try to do a 'welfare check' on the children to make sure the children are okay, but most likely that's it.  Yes, it could become very sticky and complicated if your spouse starts making false (legally: unsubstantiated) allegations.

If your spouse is willing to start meaningful therapy, make meaningful improvements and walk that path toward recovery, there is hope for the marriage.  If not... . then it's time to investigate your legal options.  You not only need to feel safe for yourself, but also ensure the children are as safe as circumstances allow.  If you don't feel safe, even part of the time, then you need to protect yourself - and the children - with long term solutions.

[allibaba]

Thanks SO MUCH ForeverDad,

Right now my husband is doing everything in the book to try to control me back. 

I won't do it.  I am a good mother with nothing on my record, no drug or alcohol issues, work full time and support my family.  I am the primary care giver.  My husband is a good father (other than the inconsistencies caused by BPD).  He has every right to access to our son.  While I am taking this timeout at the DV shelter I have let him know that our baby is at daycare all day today.  He responded that he will be picking him up.  I responded thanking him for letting me know and with the daycare provider's phone number.  I also let our daycare lady know that my husband may pick him up today.

I firmly believe that by being calm, loving and collected - but by leaving before things escalate - that I can do the right thing for all of us (my husband, me, and my son).  There is no question that my husband needs help.  I can ask but not force.  I will do what I need to do to protect all of us.

[oolia]

Why did I stay in my verbally/emotionally abusive marriage to BPD?  Still working that one out... . tough stuff.  It took me a very long time to see what was happening as abuse, then a bit longer to be willing to break through the denial and admit it, to use the word "abuse."  Lots of shame.  The hardest part is thinking that a part of me thought I deserved it, or at least didn't deserve better.

[losingconfidence]

To "ritual abuse" I would add a few things such as:
 

* attempting to use magic/the occult/etc to monitor or control someone else (whether you believe this can literally happen or not, it still constitutes  abuse).   * being subjected to torture or forced/pressured to torture others.   * partner purposefully depriving you of food and sleep to prime you for a "lecture" or "interrogation" meant to change the way you think.   * partner subjecting you to lengthy "interrogations" or "lectures" during which you have recently been physically abused or are being physically abused.

These go beyond the accusations of cheating that happen in emotional abuse, and involve the person trying to find out literally everything about you and your deepest fears so they can exploit you/not letting you leave until they somehow convince you the abuse didn't happen/not letting you leave until you believe that you are bad at sex, not worthy, shouldn't have a job, etc.
 
* using MC/programming cues and triggers from past ritual abuse in childhood against you.
 

* contacting people who abused you as a child with updates about what you do and do not remember.   * actively trying to control what you do and don't remember.   * being denied medical care for serious injuries ie: if you go to the hospital for hypothermia the doctor might wonder why you're freezing.   * using a survivor of RA's past abuse against him or her, encouraging her to question everyone close to them including supportive people as "cult members."   * if you have DID from childhood abuse, purposefully encouraging you to switch and harming alters/system members.   * subjecting you to strange religious ultimatums ie: "you will never escape this pain without God" or "you need to abandon your religion because it's toxic."   * claiming a supernatural or paranormal connection to you that mandates your relationship ie: God predestined our love/we are predestined/etc.

My ex with BPD actually knew someone from the cult that was involved in my childhood ritual abuse and was actually sent to pose as that perfect romantic partner for me so that I would essentially get re-engaged in the group. It took me a long time to figure out this was happening and it was terrible.

[Suspicious1]

This is such an important thread, thank you so much to everyone for sharing their stories.

My abuse was mostly psychological - not by my exBPDbf but by my now ex-husband. I am still confused about it, and that's something that people don't tell you - it can be so confusing and it's not always easy for people to work out whether they are being abused or treated badly or not. Even now, after divorcing him successfully on the grounds of abusive behaviour, I still don't really know if he was abusive or not.

The only thing I know for SURE that he did in a premeditated, systematic way, was to digitally stalk me. I'm not even convinced that constitutes abuse anyway, as the police said "yes it's wrong and illegal, but the courts may judge it appropriate for a husband to know all his wife's passwords". My solicitor said otherwise, as did the psychologist who treated me when it all got too much and I thought I was going insane.

In short, he would periodically break into my computer and install spyware so he could gather my email and social media passwords, and then he would download those accounts to his own devices without my knowledge so he could monitor everything I did. He would then do creepy stuff with the information, such as mail me things I'd mentioned in conversations to other people, use words and phrases I had used, and also claim we'd had conversations together where I'd told him things I knew I hadn't. He'd say "how else would I know if you hadn't told me?". Or he'd say "no you didn't tell me, I just know you so well". He did this for approximately two years before I found out. After I upped my security, he'd covertly watch me to see what passwords I entered on my phone, so that he could read things on there when I was asleep or in the shower.

It utterly messed with my mind. When I say my ex was abusive, people ALWAYS ask "did he hit you?", like that's the most important sign or like anything else isn't REALLY abuse. And I never know what to say. I say "not really. He was physical sometimes, but it wasn't really about that".

Like my confusion around the stalking, I also have confusion around the physical abuse. Since before I was pregnant with our first child, he would sometimes shove me if he felt I was in his way. He was a big guy - over 6ft and a former Rugby captain. Him shoving me resulted in me ending up at the other side of the room. It was horrible and I hated it and asked him to stop. I would say "don't push me!", and he would say "well then don't stand where I want to be". How hard would it have been for him to say "excuse me" if I was in his way?. At the beginning it was occasional, but by the end it was far more regular. A shove here and there if I was in his way was quite commonplace, not always a hard push, but enough to move me against my will. If I said to him "don't push me", he'd say "I didn't push you, I was moving you out of the way". Eventually he did the same to the children, and used the same excuse. Once, he hit our son quite hard round the head, and said "I didn't hit him, I just tapped him".

It's a common abuse tactic. Relabel the behaviour. Minimise it. But my confusion is - did he REALLY think he was just moving me out of the way? If he didn't mean to push me, he just wasn't aware of his size and strength, does that make it abuse or an accident? Can I say he was physically abusive? I still don't know. I remember one day he punched me so hard in the thigh he gave me a dead leg, but did he REALLY punch me? He told me it was playful because he laughed when he did it. He also repeatedly and painfully penetrated me to the point of injury while I said no over and over again, but afterwards said "it was a genuine misunderstanding, for which I am deeply ashamed". Was THAT an accident? He seemed so sure that it was, and becomes so angry and hurt if I suggest he was abusive.

So when people ask me "was he physically abusive", I still don't know. Yes he pushed me, punched me and sexually assaulted me, but he says it was all accidental. He also broke or threw away many of my possessions, but always said it was accidental. He said he was just clumsy. Was THAT the truth? The only thing I KNOW wasn't accidental was his stalking. And the police suggested that it wouldn't be seen as an offence anyway.

It took me two years to figure it all out and gain the courage to leave, and I'm still uncertain about it all. I can't be the only one. That was the bit that no one told me. I thought "if I was abused, I'd know about it". But he did so many things on the list and I'm still unsure. There were so many good times - far more times when he was gentle and considerate and loving. A push, a punch, an assault, an incident of stalking - it should be clear cut, but I still wonder if it was abuse or just an accident. The guilt that consumes me when I think I might have wrongly accused him is overwhelming and sickening. No one ever tells you that something which ought to be so clear and obvious, often isn't so at all.

[Inneedofhelp]

I answered yes to too many of the abuse statements. How do I get help if he threatens in his BPD rage to get me worse? I desperately want him to acknowledge his BPD and get help, but I don't see that happening. I am so worn out being the object of his anger-I know I haven't done anything to deserve it, but he doesn't see it that way.