I could really really really use some help right now

[TeachMe]

I am having a really really hard time not getting sucked up in it all. I got some books, thought I'd try a few of the techniquies, just in case there is hope. I am so over my head this isn't going to work. so he'd been a jerk all day, and finally as I walked off to bed I mumbled, "this isn't going to work" i know shouldn't have done it, cause when he came to bed at 1am, he really stirred things up, telling me how I always have to be right, and how I am crazy and hit_, I tried REALLY REALLY hard not to get defensive, I'd say if I was grading myself I'd give myself a C. Sometimes I feel soo desperate, soo trapped, I can't be me, everything I say, think, believe, or feel, is made to feel stupid and worthless. i hate losing myseslf, it's soo hard to hold on to myself, this is really killing me. I am just soo  exhausted. Everyday just exhausts me I almost don't even want to write about it anymore, but am here only because I feel like it's a safe place where people will get me and not call me stupid. Seriously I just want to hit him over the head and say, "you are a NARCISSIST with PERSONALITY DISORDER and until you ADMIT you have a PROBLEM and CHOOSE to do something about it nothing is ever going to change!" But of course that's totally unrealistic :'(

I keep reading that you aren't supposed to threaten to leave, or to mention it because it makes the BPD more abusive, controlling, etc. because they feel out of control. BUT how the HECK do I get across to him that this stuff is for REAL? How do I NOT give an ultimatum? because I am soo there right now! I truly am thinking, okay, if you don't do these things, I can't stay. Where's the line? how do I do this the "right" way? how do I get my point across--or even bring up the subject of separating, without making things worse? or do I just have to suffer through the "worseness" for however long that lasts?

[2010]

Hi Teachme,

These Swirling thoughts. Going from denial to anger to bargaining, hopefully will eventually come to an acceptance. An acceptance that this person is unwell and there's nothing you can do about it. You really need to tell yourself this.

I just want to hit him over the head and say, "you are a NARCISSIST with PERSONALITY DISORDER and until you ADMIT you have a PROBLEM and CHOOSE to do something about it nothing is ever going to change!" But of course that's totally unrealistic

This should really read: I just want to hit myself over the head and say, "He's a NARCISSIST with PERSONALITY DISORDER and until I ACCEPT he has a PROBLEM and nothing can be done about it -nothing is ever going to change!" that's totally realistic."

When you find yourself in the bargaining stage- your mind will try to intellectualize- but your body won't. The stress cannot be bargained with. Neither can you bargain with a personality disorder. You cannot make them nicer or more empathetic to you- you can only draw boundaries that stop the abuse. That is acceptance.

If you continue to fight against what has surely been in play long before you arrived on the scene- you will continue to hurt yourself and any chances that you have of your own health, both mentally and physically.

Be aware that Narcissists love attention, good or bad- so to ignore them really causes a narcissistic injury. Engaging in fighting just gives a Narcissist a big dose of narcissism.  The best way to show him that you are serious is to disengage. Do not continue to fight- it only keeps you caught in the web and just gets you more upset. If you have to put a door between you for a boundary marker, then start doing that. It may give you a little bit of peace and freedom to post on the site without interruption.

RE-read the article on detaching- it helps. Stay safe and take care of yourself.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

[gatorgirl]

BUT how the HECK do I get across to him that this stuff is for REAL? How do I NOT give an ultimatum? because I am soo there right now!

It sounds like you are having a tough time right now.  The quote above makes me think that you are still undecided about leaving or staying in the relationship.  I say that because I know in my situation, when I wanted to confront him, it was with the goal in mind to change him.  I would tell him I couldn't stay unless... .

When I reached the point of realizing the relationship needed to end, I started disengaging by changing MY behavior because I realized that is all I can change.  Like I was wisely advised on this site, it didn't matter what I said to him.  He was going to hear things and respond as he always did.  And when I did talk to him Monday, that's exactly what he did... .raged at me, denied any responsibility and painted me black. 

Decide what you want and then change your actions accordingly would be my advice. 

Good luck to you.   x

[DAS]

BUT how the HECK do I get across to him that this stuff is for REAL? How do I NOT give an ultimatum? because I am soo there right now! I truly am thinking, okay, if you don't do these things, I can't stay. Where's the line? how do I do this the "right" way? how do I get my point across--or even bring up the subject of separating, without making things worse? or do I just have to suffer through the "worseness" for however long that lasts?

You can't.

And I'm sorry but you just can't. You can't make ANYONE see things the way you want them to see it. ESPECIALLY a pwBPD.

You're not stupid but look at what this relationship has and is continuing to do to you. Are you happy? Doesn't sound like it.

The only person you can influence is YOU. You have to make your decisions for you. If a situation is bad, the solution isn't to hope and pray that the other person will somehow change. The only one that can affect real change in your life is you.

So strength and luck.  x