my T

[ex_bf_worried]

When I see my T I ask him questions along the lines of if he thinks my exBPDgf new r/s will work. All he ever says is be careful helping her if she calls and be careful getting into a r/s with her. Why won't he answer me directly? I also ask him for help in terms of moving on, he comes across to me as something I should just get over with time. I'm afrais its not so easy.

[goldenblunder]

First of all, I don't think that many therapists have the necessary experience with BPD to really deal with it.   Second, it may be that he isn't comfortable commenting on somebody else's relationship.

It's troubling that he thinks you should just get over it with time.  I mean, time is important, but this isn't a regular type of break-up.

I'll tell you what:  her new relationship?  Ask anybody here, they never work out.  She isn't going to change.

[ex_bf_worried]

New guy is enabling her well. He's desperate, apart from being almost married last year, he was hitting on 2 friends of mine, before he met my exBPDgf. 2 desperate souls wanting each other, I see marriage, kids int the future.

[goldenblunder]

New guy is enabling her well. He's desperate, apart from being almost married last year, he was hitting on 2 friends of mine, before he met my exBPDgf. 2 desperate souls wanting each other, I see marriage, kids int the future.

I snooped on the wife's text messages a couple of times when we were hanging out, and the messages from the new guy almost made you puke.  He was very adept at sending fawning messages, and a lot of them.  (I miss you, love you, can't wait to see you when I get back, etc.  absolutely nauseating)  This guy is so much her servant, more than I ever was.  He won't be able to keep it up though.  No way.

And the funniest part?  He would be sending those messages to her while she was spending time with me, denying he even existed.  Yeah, that's healthy.

[David Dare]

Maybe your T is trying to redirect the focus back onto you.  I had the same concerns regarding my ex.  I thought that if it worked with her next bf then maybe that meant I did something wrong in the r/s, that my assumption that she is BPD was false, and that all the nasty things she said about me after she cheated on me were true.  It took a few months, but her next r/s broke down, as did a few after that. 

Trust your gut and try your best not to worry about it.  As I learned it's wasted energy and solves nothing.

[ex_bf_worried]

Its tough, I either see her or my friends tell me about her. I keep comparing myself to new guy, wondering what he's doing right and what I did wrong.

[David Dare]

I went through the same thing.  I eventually had to cut off all contact, everything, but I still had coworkers who know her and offered their opinion from time to time.  It sucked, but they were on my side and agreed that something is wrong with her. 

The new guy isn't doing anything right.  Your ex is using him as a stand in.  That's all we are to them.  He is oblivious, just like we were in the beginning.  Then he will be in the same predicament facing the same difficult decisions we had to make.  you just gotta believe it!

Man hug!   x

[have gone nc]

There was someone who posted on here who tells a story of his exBPDgf's new guy phoning him up aand the conversation went something like

" shes a real piece of work "

" yeah i know "

" so can you take her back "

" no she's all yours "

it made me laugh so hard... .My ex is a very pretty little thing, butter wouldnt melt job. Yeah right! She is the worst thing that ever came into my life... .and i have been through some rough times.

I can just imagine getting this type of phonecall at some point, and do you know what... .i'd reply exactly the same way... .She's all yours!

These people have as much chance of having a happy relationship as i have winning the lottery this week... .No matter who comes along. My ex didnt realise what she had and never ever will because their brains are wired differently, and i think thats very sad. When and if she comes back it wont be because she did finally realise, it'll be because no one wants to play "BPD" games anymore... .but little will she realise i will never play that game again as long as im alive... .and even if there is a heaven ill be looking for red flags!

[confused!!!]

" shes a real piece of work "

" yeah i know "

" so can you take her back "

" no she's all yours "

I love this! And what I'm starting to say to myself when I think about ex charming the pants off of new girl. Yeah, she can have her! New girl thinks that in a mere 3 weeks of hanging out with her, my ex had undergone "profound changes... ." yeah, and there's a Great Pumpkin that'll come visit all good little girls and boys on Halloween Eve. ;p

New guy is enabling her well. He's desperate, apart from being almost married last year, he was hitting on 2 friends of mine, before he met my exBPDgf. 2 desperate souls wanting each other... .

That's exactly it ex_bf... .he's desperate and he's enabling her and that's not a healthy relationship. It's exactly what's happening with my ex and her new distraction. New Distraction suffers from "knight in shining armour" syndrome (no wonder she believes there are already changes happening in my ex!) New Distraction is also a recovering alcoholic/drug addict, suffers from depression, is on meds, therapy, 12-steps, etc... .so lots of underlying crap going on there... .   And my ex suffers from... .needing to feel needed, in addition to all the other BPD-ish stuff she does... .  so... .neither of these relationships have good formulas for success.  And like DavidDare said... .maybe T is trying to bring the focus back on to you. After all... .the therapy is for you to heal, right?   

[ex_bf_worried]

I am getting where T is coming from. I have a session next week and I will focus on myself. As to why I stayed so long in an abusive relationship. Only now its over I realise it was such because she never called me an idiot or a fool but she would often question every decision I made. This made me feel like and idiot or a fool.

[BillP]

From the pros that I have talked with, my ex's new boy toy won't last long. But, what is your definition of lasting long? A week, a month, a year? It still doesn't change things for me.

I guess in my situation, I'm kind of lucky. I'm out here all by myself. I haven't seen the ex in almost 6 weeks, and I haven't seen any of her friends. I'm sure none of them want to see me let alone speak to me. Which is also good for me. No awkward moments.

But I have also been told... .she'll be back. What? Like Schwarzenegger?  LOL

I wish you all the best. 

[Runningasfastasican]

I'll  give you another perspective to think about... .next time that you compare yourself to him, try to realise, he is just sooner or later going to go through the same cycle that you did with her, of course, dont ever think that you will get a clear picture from her... .I really had my eyes opened when I had a conversation with my exBPDw's first husband after I seperated from my exBPDw. What was so amazing was that he went through the exact same sh***t that I did, only in an earlier time period and unfortunately for him, for a much longer time... .I can only imagine that initially, to him, she was insanely happy with me and our relationship was "perfect" afterall... .all he would have had to go on, would be either anything she told him... .or her facebook page... .I would not have said anything to him in this time period during the relationship... .because the wonderful Love of my Life  ... .had always been telling me what a B___tard he was... .(of course he always seemed ok to me the few times I met him)... .needless to say... .I had to talk to him after the split due to issues related to my step-D... .and  we had a very frank and open discussion... .so I would suggest that new dude is like you in that he will sooner or later be treated to the same cycle that you were the only difference may be, just the amount of SH**t that he is willing to take... .good luck and I hope this helps... .

[2010]

Most people come into therapy after triangulation (read definition) with the ideas of reference that somehow this "other" is the problem rather than the original partner.  If we can get rid of the "other" then we can have our loved one all to ourselves and get back to the process of fixing the romantic partner.  That's actually an age old problem that's from infancy when we first realized Dad was in the picture and we had to share (triangulate) Mom. Dad took Mom's attention away and we secretly harbored feelings of murderous wrath with fear. Freud called this an Oedipal complex. Nowadays, most therapists are less likely to give this much thought than to work triangulation (read definition) through Steven Karpmann's drama schematic of victim, rescuer and persecutor, which is actually an adult way of making triangulation (read definition) into a game of musical chairs.

Think back to when you first met your romantic partner. Did they triangulate you with anyone? Did they tell you that someone was persecuting them? Did you feel an intense need to rescue them?  And once you rescued them, did they victimize you and turn you into a persecutor- turning their back and finding another rescuer?

Why concentrate on the rescuer unless you see a pattern here. The pattern holds your key to freedom- not the comparison of yourself to another rescuer. He's not better than you, he's just not victimized yet. (Don't worry, he will be.)

Ask your therapist about the Karpmann Drama Triangle. If he or she has not heard of it and is in professional practice- stop your therapy and find a new therapist who does.  This discussion is the only way to effectively bring in your curiosity of your ex's new partner- and feasibly understand the consequences of your own behavior- that fantasy that you'll become a rescuer again and live happily ever after.  The only way to get off this game of musical chairs is not to play. And the only way off the game is at the victim spot.

[lets]

Dear ex,

I did the exact same thing as you are doing.  The new girl, what does she have, etc etc.

What I found out was:


1)He played tennis with her- he raged on her told her she couldn't take coaching, wouldn't listen etc etc.

(This kind of hurt but was an eye opener as the ONE time he and I played tennis early in our relationship he did the EXACT same thing to me)...   I think I realized at that point I was just an actress ... all would get the same treatment.

2) She went to pick him up for a date that he wanted to pick her up for, he raged on her again... saying he wasn't going anywhere with her looking like that, etc. etc.  (Again the EXACT same things he had said to me time and time again).

She ended it with him that night, said I couldn't put my finger on it but something isn't right with him... .  (lucky her :-), listening to her gut)

That relationship lasted 4 weeks... .

Our ex's do not have the ability to find any relationship that is sustaining... .until they seek treatment... .

[ex_bf_worried]

Thank you i will ask him. I am currently trying to find out everything I can about this guy. Basically to compare myself to him.

[lets]

Hey ex,

I found out from a third party (mutual tennis coach)  I never met the new girl... .(now old girl)

trust in the same pattern keeps playing over and over... .and worry about you... .

You may not realize it now but you have much healing to do for yourself, you have been through much trauma... .  worry about you... believe me I spent along time worrying about the new one- all wasted energy

x

[Runningasfastasican]

Man, you dont need to compare yourself to him... .either you are similar, or you are not, either you are better than he is, or you are not, taller, or not, better looking or not,... .to be blunt... .NONE OF THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS... .what matters, is you and your reaction to this whole circumstance, and how you decide to deal with it... .no matter how you compare to him... .what happened in your relationship happened, and is in the past, and nothing will change that... .what can change, and change for the better, is you and your life, if you work on yourself and figure out what kind of person you are, and what kind of person that you want to be, and go about actively working towards a goal at self improvement, carrying around comparisons to her new BF, just holds you back from your own potential, and to be honest keeps you trapped in a self-damaging cycle that only you can end by choosing to do so... .Take care... .

[have gone nc]

From what you are saying you feel if he stays with her longer then that makes him a better person right? i really don't want to sound harsh here and forgive me if i do but this is c**p!

Someone with BPD manipulates, lies, cheats, cannot love in a healthy way, are toxic, selfish etc etc... .

So if he lasts longer how does that make him better if he is with someone like that?

In my eyes that makes him have much less self esteem than you? Because if she hasnt left him then it means he is a weaker person for her to manipulate.

My ex told me her relationships lasted 6 months, how much of a fool do i feel that mine lasted 18 months. So am i the better person? No chance, i got lied to more, used more, manipulated more, spent more money, became more ill... .so do i sound like the winner?

I bet her ex before me may have been watching ( don't know for sure ) and thinking it must have been him... .these two seem to be going great and they got engaged so they must be happy. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha thats the funniest thing ever because i was damn miserable. Seriously... .I got rushed in hospital with stomach ulcers for christ sake! how happy does that sound.

I get where you are at, and i was there to. Its very very hard. But what you have to decide right now is if you want that person back... .if the answer is yes then you clearly have not had enough of the BPD madness, because that is what you are asking for... .madness. Read the posts of the people who have done 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 15 yrs... .they ALL say they was only happy for the first few months! Take a real good look inside and ask if you are willing to dedicate your life to being miserable for another few good months with this girl?

Man i love my ex in an unbelievable way, do i want her back... .NEVER EVER. I would rather jump off a cliff, because id rather have no life than one that is guaranteed to be miserable and basically grind me down to a shell day by day. I lost myself when with this girl, i was a person with interests and goals and things made me smile... .i hadn't done anything that made ME smile for 18 months basically, it was all about her constantly. So if i found out my ex had a new guy would i think lucky man... .no chance, id feel for him because if he stayed longer than i did, i would hate to think how broke he would be. Yes my ex was as sexy as hell, and to me had the perfect body etc etc... .But was it worth it, in truth no. If i had stayed for a month and got out it would have been, but i look within now and realise i was weak, and foolish. But the great thing about lookin within is i know i will never make this mistake again.

My ex before the exBPD has come back and we tried to have a relationship and i couldn't, and maybe in the past i would have stayed with her for regular sex etc etc, but i couldnt do it to her. She is the most amazing person who ever entered my life and i love her so so much, she's sweet, and funny, and caring, and loving and basically marriage material. She never done the dirty on me and would have my back no matter what, and i feel like a fool for leaving her to be with my BPD. But now rather than keep her on until i decide i may want to be with someone else or whatever, we have decided to be friends because i want her in my life long term, rather than just to help me through the BPD crap. Whoever gets her is the luckiest guy in the world, but i would be happy for her if she was happy because thats the most important thing to me. It was my mistake to leave what we had not hers, she deserved and still deserves better than what i done to her.

what im saying... .look at what i lost, if the ex's did only hang around for 6 months and i stayed for 18... .do i sound like the winner to you?

I personally think your suffering from "trauma bonding" because this girl clearly got into you and messed you up real good, in time my friend it gets easier. Trust me. Its a hard ride which i wouldnt wish on anyone but you are gonna be so much better off in time, you will be so much more aware in the future and never fall for this sick trap again... .unless you let the ex back in... .think about it!

[lets]

Brilliant post Have gone!

Thank you! 

It helps me greatly working through my 'stuff'

x

[fishguy204]

I agree with all the posters,my exBPDgf has gone through 7 bf's in the year and a half since she dumped me and everyone of them was so great in the beginning,the whole she's never been happier BS.Latest guy has lasted 6 months,then a heard he was in the hospital with chest pains a couple weeks ago,the guy's like 30.Pretty sure its related to her.God,I know I had them.That b*tch would have killed me eventually.The first few months are usually magical with these people after that woo boy!

[ex_bf_worried]

Guys thank you. But I'm wishing bad on her, she needs to feel pain for what she did and what she is about to do. I went to the doc, my bp is 170/100. I first got high BP because I thought she was leaving me. This was 7 years ago, only one year into the relationship. Over the years she told me I was a loser, I think new guy makes more than I do so I figure he's better than me. Funny thing he's pretty arrogant with her now. That pisses me off, its like I can take care of her and you can't. I keep trying not to think about her and him but its tough. Its like telling myself not to blink but I do anyway.

[Runningasfastasican]

You really need to re-read this thread and check out what everybody is trying to tell you... .based upon your last post... you are really only going to damage yourself if you keep obsessing about her and her new BF... .or in wishing ill upon her... .YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON YOU AND ON GETTING OVER THIS... .the only way you can do that is... .by letting go of any of this obsessive behavior in regards to these other people... .find things that you can do to improve YOUR life now... .it can be anything from exercise to reading to hanging out with good freinds or excessive cleaning... etc... .but you have to do something for yourself... .and re-read the other posts here... .there are a lot of good ideas and insights that you can benefit from... .take care and good luck

[ex_bf_worried]

I'm trying really hard, my friends are trying to take me out, get me out of the house. However when I leave them and come home alone, they there are. Right in front of me laughing and having a grand time.

[lets]

One thing that really helped me was listening to books in the car or talk radio.  I would go for a drive and if I had music on he was all I could think about... .

I switched to audio books, picked up some that were interesting to me and it was magic, I forced myself to retrain my brain to think of other things... .

Just by you going to the doctors is a great thing!  You CANNOT and NEVER will be able to control her behaviour (just yours )... .I know you don't see it now (none of us did), but you will be SOO much better off without her... .

Trust us, we have all been there!

x

[ex_bf_worried]

I wasnt much of a reader before but Ive bought some self help books for my own growth and development. My problem here is that 8 years is a long time. A lot of the stuff I did before I somehow don't like anymore. I stopped playing basketball to spend time with her, I stopped hanging with friends to spend time with her, now they all feel so foreign. The hobbies I picked up, I only picked up to get away from her. Now I don't like them either because they serve no real purpose. The only thing I have going for me right now is time.

[gecko2012]

BF - -I hear you on losing your hobbies.

I gave mine up too in order to be "available" for my drips of contact.

I have also been retraining my brain - I have picked up my hobbies BY FORCING myself.

I have forced myself to listen to MUSIC as it is important to me and was BEFORE her.

I am still learning how to write poetry w/o the trama of drama for inspiration - but I am getting there.

Hang in there - - we are better of w/o them.

AS much as we still love "the masks" the created for us.