BPD, or something else? And does it matter?

[leap of faith]

I'm reading Stop Walking on Egg Shells and I've read a lot of stuff on the internet.  I can't figure out if I think my stbex partner has BPD or not.  Some of the criteria strongly applies to her, but others don't as much.  (and then I think that some of the criteria applies to ME, especially at the beginning of our relationship!)

She definitely has major depression and has had it for the past 3+ years (prompted by a traumatic event.)  But I think she was depressed and unhappy long before that -- she had an awful childhood: neglected and verbally abused by an NPD mother who didn't want any more children, and her father died when she was 10, but nobody in the family ever talked about it or told her what was happening.  I think that becoming a parent herself brought up all of those unresolved issues from her childhood.

She also has been dealing with PTSD for the past three years.

I know that the above two issues can make people very self-focused and unable to give anything to anyone else.  As well as irritable.

And she's always had a lot of control issues -- in her mind there is only one correct way to do things (chop an onion, sort the laundry, hang the diaper bag on the stroller, pick clothes for the children -- the list is never-ending!) and when I wouldn't agree to do it her way, she would get very agitated and keep escalating until she'd get her way.  Is that OCD?  A lot of her rules and freak-outs also involve germs, so I do think there is OCD involved.

I've also often wondered about ADD.  She has very poor time-management skills and I do think she has executive function deficits (this is the one where I would always wonder to myself: does she have some sort of brain damage or is she just a JERK?)  A common excuse that she gives for not doing things (like getting up in time to get the kids to school,) is that she didn't realize what time it was (there are clocks all over the house and she wears a watch!) or she just didn't even think of whatever it was she was supposed to do (in spite of multiple reminders from me.)

Or is it NPD?  I read a book about NPD (Les Carter's Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me) and the whole thing rang so true!

So which is it?  Or is it all of the above?  I guess it doesn't really matter what the diagnosis is -- the real issue is the behaviors and how I'm treated and whether I'm willing to keep dealing with it.

[sarah1234]

I really can't give you many answers but OCD which I have experienced is based around anxiety and control. It does sound like she has many issues all linked together. Without a professionals opinion I think it would be really difficult to give her a label as such.

I found that suffering from OCD made me incredibly angry. It is a very frustrating and debilitating issue. I found I could no longer tolerate it taking over my life and that it was making others unhappy so I sought help and had CBT.

Depression can affect so much of your life, poor time management is often likely because when you are so focused on your negative thoughts, it is hard to put into action a positive time keeping plan. Things then start to slip out of control and you do not have the energy or the ability to put things right. Sleeping a lot with depression is also common.

Is your partner open to therapy? Does she feel she could do with some support? I wonder if maybe you could talk to her about the depression and anxiety issues she may well want to stop feeling this way... ? x

[leap of faith]

She's been going to therapy weekly for the past 2+ years.  She's also on a daily anti-depressant and takes anti-anxiety medication as needed (all day!) in addition to self-medicating with pot.

She quit with the first therapist after nearly a year -- not sure why, but she seemed angry at him, like he thought he was superior to her.  She likes her current therapist -- he seems like he just validates her. 

For both therapists, she is convinced that she is their most interesting client, that they suffer through dealing with their other clients but look forward to her sessions -- it's almost like she thinks she is doing them a favor by going.  Shortly after she started to go to him, the current therapist actually copied two chapters out of a book and gave them to her to read: The Drama of the Gifted Child (kind of unusual thing for a therapist to do -- it seems like the therapist might be trying to tell you something if he goes to all that trouble, doesn't it?)  Apparently the book is all about the damage caused by being raised by an NPD mother and the destructive coping mechanisms you develop that can mess up your adult life.  My stbex never read it (she rarely follows through on things... .)  When I asked her about it recently, gently suggesting that maybe some of her problems (that she barely acknowledges she has... .) maybe have something to do with the way she was raised, and that maybe the therapist was thinking that too since he copied the book for her to read... .she said that she tried to read some of it but she didn't really understand it -- that it seemed like it was all about sex (okay, now I'm giggling in spite of myself -- if you read my other recent post, you'll see that, in her world, everything is all about sex!)

[sarah1234]

Oh dear, it sounds as if she is not really using the therapy appropriately and is still in denial. I think this is quite common and although they are in therapy on the frontof it - to appease you possibly - or look for someone else to take blame/responsibility/absolve them from any of it - people don't always actually fully engage in it.

Perhaps you need to set some boundaries to challenge some of her more minor control issues from spiralling out of control and making you all unhappy. It is unreasonable to be expected to conform to someones idea of tidy, clean, the right ways of doing things if they are irrational, and if you pander to her every demand this is just allowing her to set another expectation of 'perfect' and take her frustrations out on you for getting it wrong... pwBPD seem to only think their way is right, their black and white thinking is very frustrating. Setting up unrealistic expectations I found was common - asking for something that isn't going to happen or can't be acheived, so that they can then legitimately place blame, frustration anger onto you.

[muddychicken]

To me, past issues matter.  It gives you an idea of her issues and where she's coming from but it does not excuse unacceptable behavior.

[2010]

And she's always had a lot of control issues -- in her mind there is only one correct way to do things (chop an onion, sort the laundry, hang the diaper bag on the stroller, pick clothes for the children -- the list is never-ending!) and when I wouldn't agree to do it her way, she would get very agitated and keep escalating until she'd get her way.  Is that OCD?  A lot of her rules and freak-outs also involve germs, so I do think there is OCD involved.

No it is not OCD, but rather OCPD, which is taught.  It is a preoccupation with rules and regulations- probably from growing up in a household with rules and regulations... .

www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson6.php

the current therapist actually copied two chapters out of a book and gave them to her to read: The Drama of the Gifted Child (kind of unusual thing for a therapist to do -- it seems like the therapist might be trying to tell you something if he goes to all that trouble, doesn't it?) 

No- it's not unusual except for that the author, Alice Miller, turned her back on psychotherapy after devoting much of her life to it. The book itself is a brilliant description and follow through of D. W. Winnicott, Margaret Mahler, and Heinz Kohut's work.  It is actually what you should be reading. It can be found on-line for free at: www.scribd.com/doc/2318932/The-Drama-of-the-Gifted-Child

Having a Narcissist for a parent doesn't mean that one will grow up into a Narcissist- it does, however mean that there is a possibility. One of the better articles about childhood adaptations can be found on Alan Rappoport's site: He describes three maladaptive avenues to a parent's behavior; identification, compliance, and rebellion. It's a quick read and can be found here-

www.alanrappoport.com/pdf/Co-Narcissism%20Article.pdf