Pregnant and recently split with ex BPD fiance

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my ex fiance, who I greatly believe has BPD, claims he still wants to be in our sons life. I told him to show me proof that he is getting mental help before he can see our son.  I do not want to keep him from being in his life, but only if he can be a positive influence.  Truthfully, as much as I wish I could, I cant trust him. Especially with his emotional outbursts and lying. I do not want my son exposed to that.  If he can get himself stable, he is welcome to be in his life.  Am I being rational? I havent done anything through the courts, I just simply told him that I demand proof before he can visit.  Im unsure at this point if I should call him when the baby is born. He says he has been attending volunteer anger management (he has no job, no money, no insurance) and AA (I didnt see the reason for AA but he says alcohol abuse runs in his family and is linked to anger/violence... ). I havent seen proof and honestly, I think he's making it up, but he INSISTS that he knows he has a problem and wants to change, that he loves me and the baby very much and wants to make tings right and be a better person.  I dont know whatb to believe anymore, but I do need advise on how to go about raising our child and whether I should expect him to be a part of our sons life or if I should try to keep him away. I WANT WHATS BEST FOR MY SON BUT IN THIS SITUATION I DONT KNOW WHATS BEST !        

[lalove714]

So my ex fiance, who I greatly believe has BPD, claims he still wants to be in our sons life. I told him to show me proof that he is getting mental help before he can see our son.  I do not want to keep him from being in his life, but only if he can be a positive influence.  Truthfully, as much as I wish I could, I cant trust him. Especially with his emotional outbursts and lying. I do not want my son exposed to that.  If he can get himself stable, he is welcome to be in his life.  Am I being rational? I havent done anything through the courts, I just simply told him that I demand proof before he can visit.  Im unsure at this point if I should call him when the baby is born. He says he has been attending volunteer anger management (he has no job, no money, no insurance) and AA (I didnt see the reason for AA but he says alcohol abuse runs in his family and is linked to anger/violence... ). I havent seen proof and honestly, I think he's making it up, but he INSISTS that he knows he has a problem and wants to change, that he loves me and the baby very much and wants to make tings right and be a better person.  I dont know whatb to believe anymore, but I do need advise on how to go about raising our child and whether I should expect him to be a part of our sons life or if I should try to keep him away. I WANT WHATS BEST FOR MY SON BUT IN THIS SITUATION I DONT KNOW WHATS BEST !        

[Turkish]

So my ex fiance, who I greatly believe has BPD, claims he still wants to be in our sons life. I told him to show me proof that he is getting mental help before he can see our son.  I do not want to keep him from being in his life, but only if he can be a positive influence.  Truthfully, as much as I wish I could, I cant trust him. Especially with his emotional outbursts and lying. I do not want my son exposed to that.  If he can get himself stable, he is welcome to be in his life.  Am I being rational? I havent done anything through the courts, I just simply told him that I demand proof before he can visit.  Im unsure at this point if I should call him when the baby is born. He says he has been attending volunteer anger management (he has no job, no money, no insurance) and AA (I didnt see the reason for AA but he says alcohol abuse runs in his family and is linked to anger/violence... ). I havent seen proof and honestly, I think he's making it up, but he INSISTS that he knows he has a problem and wants to change, that he loves me and the baby very much and wants to make tings right and be a better person.  I dont know whatb to believe anymore, but I do need advise on how to go about raising our child and whether I should expect him to be a part of our sons life or if I should try to keep him away. I WANT WHATS BEST FOR MY SON BUT IN THIS SITUATION I DONT KNOW WHATS BEST !         

Hello lalove714,

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you are doing the right thing now by protecting youself. I read this in your post on the intro board:

SCARY outbursts, that seemed to progressively get worse. Small things would trigger him to get extremely angry and just say the most awful things to me and yell at me, sometimes would even throw things in my direction while angry, WHILE im pregnant with his baby.

- After an argument or me deciding to leave, he ALWAYS got me to stay and forgive him by threatening suicide or by harming himself.

This is extremely unstable and violent behavior. Good for you for erecting that boundary to keep yourself safe. I know you are concerned about having him in your child's life and may feel slightly conflicted on what is best for your baby. Given what you said, you are doing the right thing. Do you feel safe where you are? Even if you see him, I would encourage you to never be alone with him. Pregnant or not, that behavior is unacceptable. Perhaps you can read these links to gain some more perspective:

Safety First

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

- He had very few or maybe even NO true friends. He just seemed to use people to get what he wanted.

pwBPD often see their attachments (people) as objects more than persons. It would be the same with the your child, most likely.

- He was very emotional. A strong lover, and I do believe he really loved/loves me, but can go from loving me to hating me in the blink of an eye.

This is a debate common to these boards. If you want to sort out those feelings, I suggest posting to the Leaving Board (sorry you have so much on your plate, but we aren't going anywhere, and people here will support you!).

pwBPD feel the same emotions that we do, only much more intensely, and being often unable to control their emotions. Just as they can hate us and act out, they also love us. It's the switching back and forth which is confusing and painful. Being an attachment disorder, no one close to them is immune, even children. You are doing well, and are strong. Own that!

All in all, our children, who are innocent, deserve to be safe and loved in a healthy way. You know this, which is why you are here and taking steps to protect your baby.  

Take Care,

Turkish

[lalove714]

Thank you ! Him possibly viewing our son as "an object" to get what he wants was something that I hadn't really considered before, but you make a great point. I will definitely keep this in mind! 

[ForeverDad]

Be careful what information you share with him.  I wouldn't say that if you were together in a healthy and functional relationship.  But it has failed and so you have to protect yourself and your child's future.  Sharing information with him could be placing ammunition in his hands.  Better to say too little than too much.

Have you sought legal advice in multiple consultations with family law attorneys?  Both parents do have rights, you need to know what your state's laws are and how your local courts apply them.  Not to scare you but... . Since he doesn't work and I presume you do, a sample worst case scenario is that a court could order he can get a lot of time with his child and since there is an income 'disparity' you could be ordered to pay him child support.  Yikes!  Yes, it probably won't be that bad, but until you find out where you stand legally, what your options are and practical strategies, almost anything might be possible.

[Deep Impact]

So my ex fiance, who I greatly believe has BPD, claims he still wants to be in our sons life. I told him to show me proof that he is getting mental help before he can see our son.  I do not want to keep him from being in his life, but only if he can be a positive influence.  Truthfully, as much as I wish I could, I cant trust him. Especially with his emotional outbursts and lying. I do not want my son exposed to that.  If he can get himself stable, he is welcome to be in his life.  Am I being rational? I havent done anything through the courts, I just simply told him that I demand proof before he can visit.  Im unsure at this point if I should call him when the baby is born. He says he has been attending volunteer anger management (he has no job, no money, no insurance) and AA (I didnt see the reason for AA but he says alcohol abuse runs in his family and is linked to anger/violence... ). I havent seen proof and honestly, I think he's making it up, but he INSISTS that he knows he has a problem and wants to change, that he loves me and the baby very much and wants to make tings right and be a better person.  I dont know whatb to believe anymore, but I do need advise on how to go about raising our child and whether I should expect him to be a part of our sons life or if I should try to keep him away. I WANT WHATS BEST FOR MY SON BUT IN THIS SITUATION I DONT KNOW WHATS BEST !        

If I were you and wasn't sure, I'd just let him go through the long, drawn out process of seeking visitation.

Let the courts and professionals be the judge of whether he should see his son.

I think that would be best for him and yourself - and if you aren't sure, then it would be best for your son.

A lot of guys are critical of the one sided/bias process, but at the very least it is a good measure to see how serious he is.

If he does want to see his son, he'll be patient and become the person he needs to - in order to be able to see his son.

And... His progress will be assessed by professionals and not his X partner, which makes the process more impartial IMO.

But I understand it might be easier in theory than practice.

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this while you're pregnant.    Being protective of your child so early is a sign that you have good instincts -- it's not easy to get out of these relationships and you're focusing on the safety and well-being of the two people who matter most, you and your baby.

It's really hard being a single parent. It's even harder living with someone prone to violent outbursts, and someone who can't put a baby's needs before his own.

You have good instincts, and you know how important boundaries are. There isn't anything unreasonable in what you're writing -- your fiance has to earn your trust. That makes complete and total sense. Especially when you have a baby involved.

And I agree with FD and Deep Impact. Let your fiance show you how committed he is to changing. It takes a long time, a lot of therapy, and the burden is on him to show he can do it. Give him a year to see how he's doing. If he can prove he has worked on his issues, then revisit things after a year. For now, he needs to focus on himself.

I'm a single parent now, but raised S12 with N/BPDx for the first 10 years. It's hard doing this on your own, but it's harder doing it with someone abusive. It shows up in the kids in ways that break your heart. My son was 8 and didn't want to live anymore.  :'(  He is stabilized now, and doing much better, but it took leaving my marriage to give S12 stability and consistency. N/BPDx was only a good parent on Facebook. He couldn't show up in any real way even when we were all together. I taught S12 how to ride his bike, how to tie his shoes, how to throw a ball (seriously), how to swim. Everything. When we left, he never missed his dad because there was no bond. A few weeks ago I had to end visitation completely, and S12 barely even noticed. When I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, he said not really, that he figured it was because his dad was acting mean.

It's heartbreaking when your kid doesn't have two emotionally healthy and involved parents. But it's also heartbreaking when kids learn about BPD firsthand. It's hard for us to deal with it -- kids have no way to make sense of it, and my experience is that it's impossible to shield them from it, no matter how careful we are.

Like FD said, figure out what your ex's parental rights are. Decide whether you want him to know when your child is born -- what happens legally, what rights he has. It will cost you $50-$100 to get a consultation with a lawyer. You don't necessarily need to pay a big retainer for 30 to 60 minutes of questions. And you'll get some ideas about how to move forward if he tries to go against your wishes.

Above all, do what is safe. Make that your priority. Nothing else works without that.

[ForeverDad]

If I were you and wasn't sure, I'd just let him go through the long, drawn out process of seeking visitation.

Let the courts and professionals be the judge of whether he should see his son.

I think that would be best for him and yourself - and if you aren't sure, then it would be best for your son.

A lot of guys are critical of the one sided/bias process, but at the very least it is a good measure to see how serious he is.

If he does want to see his son, he'll be patient and become the person he needs to - in order to be able to see his son.

And... His progress will be assessed by professionals and not his X partner, which makes the process more impartial IMO.

I agree with Deep Impact, don't 'gift' him any more parenting than you feel appropriate and safe.  Your obligation is to yourself and your child.  He is an adult and if he wants to be a father then he will need to man up and address his issues and prove himself over a long period of time (promises are a dime a dozen, long term actions are what count) to you and likely the court too.  If you ignore that wisdom, you will very likely regret it later.

He clearly has significant issues.  I also use 'substantive' because it was used by my court.  If he's been hospitalized, held under observation, been in rehab or a variety of other processes, then it is a red flag not to trust your heart, at least not yet so soon after separation.  He really does need to prove himself over time to the court.

Another question is, will he pursue seeing his child?  A certain proportion of parents, often fathers but some mothers too, wander away and are basically disinterested in the effort it takes to parent.  Some too avoid parenting if it means they'll have to fork over child support, they want in but not enough to accept that obligation and the work involved.

Be aware that if you seek child support through the court then he likely will also get some level of visitation, perhaps supervised if the court agrees monitoring of some sort is appropriate.  If you document his past/current mental health or whatever issues to the court, it would be hard for him to get more than the standard alternate weekends, though we've seen stranger things happen so no guarantees.  If you do end up in court, express your concerns and maybe he will have conditions attached to his parenting schedule.  If you take that path, then peer support (here) and legal advice (lawyer) are strongly advised.