Is redemption possible?

[Firelite]

When we split up, my ex arranged for his daughter to drive him to my place in the evening to pick up his things.  At the time I knew nothing about BPD and was scared of his rage, so I placed his things in boxes outside in my driveway, which is a country driveway and is crushed stone.   As he was leaving he threw a handful of nails in my driveway, knowing full well that I wouldn't see them when I left in my car for work at 3 am.  TO HIS CREDIT, before I left for work he texted me and said he had become the person he never wanted to be again, and that he had done something terrible.  He told me about the nails and said he was sorry.  I told him I forgave him.

My question is this... .was his apology sincere?  Was this a sign that he was trying to modify his behaviour/ deny the driving force of his disorder?  Is it possible he has learned how to exert some control over his feelings, without ever having had a therapist? (He is 47.)  Or am I further deluding myself? Just hoping he is not as damaged as I was beginning to think?  Even though we are no longer a couple, I still love him and want so much to find something redeeming in him, but I fear that his admission of guilt was just another ploy in this game, giving him another chance to avoid abandonment.  I stubbornly cling to the notion that a beautiful person, deserving of love, lurks inside all of us.  So many questions, so many things replay in my mind.  I need to know your thoughts please... .

[harmony1]

I find it a good sign he warned you... showed remorse... .I would still be careful tho... .that is pretty nasty tho... .and scary... .actions (not words) will speak volumes from here... I am currently in a state where I am separating and leaving him... .he has run the gamit of I am sorry to revenge... .he wont know where I am going etc... .if he wants to see me I can come to his house or we can meet somewhere... .mine also seems sincere... but with an 11 years track record... .it wont just happen and yours wont be cured either... .be safe... and careful... .

[phuzion]

I stubbornly cling to the notion that a beautiful person, deserving of love, lurks inside all of us.

You know... .I don't just believe that... .I see it in everyone.  This is one thing that makes me susceptible to the likes of a woman with BPD.  I know exactly what you mean BUT... .know this... .you can see into someone's heart and see their TRUE self but if they have rejected that self or are not able to see it within themselves, they are blind to it.

It is good that he warned you but I am guessing that is an exception and not the rule, right?  Stick with the facts you know, the facts you have experienced.  I too want to believe in everyone and believe they are capable of change but it doesn't happen overnight and when you are talking about BPD, it takes years of consistency and therapy.  Your heart is ruling your reason, which is good when it comes to how you treat others but when it comes to how you are being treated, use your reason to rule your heart.

[2010]

I stubbornly cling to the notion that a beautiful person, deserving of love, lurks inside all of us.

This should read: I stubbornly cling to the notion that a beautiful person, deserving of love, lurks inside of me.

When people show themselves to me that they believe I am undeserving of love, I will condemn them to a place that protects me from the harm of their beliefs. This will be my boundary line to protect the beautiful person, inside of me that deserves love. Until I am treated with respect, I will not allow myself to place loyalty on any person. If given evidence that the loyalty I've given to a person is undeserving, I will avoid all such people and turn away from them.

p.s. It's in the Bible. 

[whitedoe]

I stubbornly cling to the notion that a beautiful person, deserving of love, lurks inside all of us.

This should read: I stubbornly cling to the notion that a beautiful person, deserving of love, lurks inside of me.

When people show themselves to me that they believe I am undeserving of love, I will condemn them to a place that protects me from the harm of their beliefs. This will be my boundary line to protect the beautiful person, inside of me that deserves love. Until I am treated with respect, I will not allow myself to place loyalty on any person. If given evidence that the loyalty I've given to a person is undeserving, I will avoid all such people and turn away from them.

p.s. It's in the Bible. 

Aghhh... .Thank you 2010. This should be a meditation... .Boundaries? I certainly let mine go... .I wanted so desparately to believe all the "words" and passion of the BPD idealization phase... .I stayed the course and gave my heart and soul although all the evidence told me that my exBPDbf was undeserving of the genuine love I was giving... .

I have never heard an "apology" from my exbf... .In fact, he appeared completely clueless to his cruelty... . 

I think I would remain "cautious", Firelite... .What a sick and vendictive thing to do in the first place... .I think "giving him credit" for simply "owning his stuff" may be a stretch?... .I know how much you want to see the "beautiful" in him and believe that he is getting better, feeling remorse but... .I think his emotions/behavior remains "out of control" here as evidenced in that ruthless action... .I think he has proven himself to be "untrustworthy"... .That's not say that you can't or shouldn't "forgive" him... .but beyond this?  What are your thoughts as you think it over futher?

[snappybrowneyes]

Firelite, my stbpbdxh is 46 and I have watched him transition over the years. I would say that your H knew it was wrong, felt truly bad about it because it "made" him into a person he did not want to be. Enter extreme shame and then he goes into self-protect mode. I do believe the pbd has some clarity and remorse for their actions but the bottom line is protecting their fragile self at all costs! So history will repeat itself with him. So him being all bad or all good doesn't really matter, what matters is how you feel when you are with him,your needs,and what you need to make yourself happy. I believe you can be compassionate from a distance if that makes sense. 

[Sade]

Sorry to be the cynic but did you actually find any nails.

[Firelite]

Yes , Sade, there were nails.  He is a carpenter... .has lots of access to nails.  Anyways I drove to work, hoping I would be lucky enough to avoid them in the dark, which I was.  A friend along with a friend of his, raked up the nails before I returned.  My stomach dropped when I finally saw them piled up.

Thanks everyone for your input which has given me some measure of peace.  It is finally sinking in that, regardless of the apology, I can't trust such an incident not to happen again, just like the silent treatments happened again and again.

This should read: I stubbornly cling to the notion that a beautiful person, deserving of love, lurks inside of me.

When people show themselves to me that they believe I am undeserving of love, I will condemn them to a place that protects me from the harm of their beliefs. This will be my boundary line to protect the beautiful person, inside of me that deserves love. Until I am treated with respect, I will not allow myself to place loyalty on any person. If given evidence that the loyalty I've given to a person is undeserving, I will avoid all such people and turn away from them.

Thanks 2010... .I have been feeling so much guilt about abandoning a loved one with mental illness.  After all... .I wouldn't abandon someone because they had cancer, or diabetes, right?  But you are right... .I must protect myself. Yes, boundaries.  Being compassionate from a distance.  I still believe he loved me most of the time, in the only way he knew how.  It just wasn't a healthy mutually-enriching relationship *sigh*

Your heart is ruling your reason, which is good when it comes to how you treat others but when it comes to how you are being treated, use your reason to rule your heart.

I like this.  I will try to remember it.