i realize more tonight...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 Than ever. I had some really good conversations with friend I don't get to see very often. It's nice because I do have a lot of friends that really do care about me. As you can imagine my exBPDgf never got this.


The more I talk about it the more I understand. Even if its just someone listening to me I can process it better if I actually say it to a human instead of myself or my lazy dog Haha.

Well today it really hit me that she is bad. I always thought that she wasn't that bad, but no more. The talks of cutting herself, running her car off the road and my favorite sticking her head in the oven were just ways to control me.

I hope I keep good days like today around. The past couple days were very dark for me and I thank this board and my friends for keeping me going.

I'll close with this. Formally I would like to say this. Goodbye Jaime. While our time seemed magical I know it was an allusion. You never loved me and it was your fault not mine. I would have given you more than you know and there was a point that I would have taken a bullet for you. No more will I be your puppet. You make me sick.

Best of luck to the next guy.


Dueces!

[helpinghand123]

 Than ever. I had some really good conversations with friend I don't get to see very often. It's nice because I do have a lot of friends that really do care about me. As you can imagine my exBPDgf never got this.


The more I talk about it the more I understand. Even if its just someone listening to me I can process it better if I actually say it to a human instead of myself or my lazy dog Haha.

Well today it really hit me that she is bad. I always thought that she wasn't that bad, but no more. The talks of cutting herself, running her car off the road and my favorite sticking her head in the oven were just ways to control me.

I hope I keep good days like today around. The past couple days were very dark for me and I thank this board and my friends for keeping me going.

I'll close with this. Formally I would like to say this. Goodbye Jaime. While our time seemed magical I know it was an allusion. You never loved me and it was your fault not mine. I would have given you more than you know and there was a point that I would have taken a bullet for you. No more will I be your puppet. You make me sick.

Best of luck to the next guy.


Dueces!

[MindfulJavaJoe]

Hi helpinghhand123

It is good to have a friend that you can talk freely to. I am glad you found so e support.

pwBPD do some terrible things at times. They act out like children from a point of emotional immaturity.

In addition to friends and family I have found having a therapist a great help as part on my support structure.

Firstly he understands BPD my friends and family  do not, at least not in the same way.

I wish you well on your road to healing, detachment and recovery.

Be kind to yourself.

[scottymarco]

the one of many things that my friends helped me with was reminding me of all the bad she caused ... .i would , like most people i imagine complain and vent to my friends , now that we have broken up when i talk with them they are able to remind me of bad things that i have forgotten , or should i say things that i have blocked ... .and it was enlightening to say the least because i was blocking lots and lots of memories , bad memories and trying to grasp onto the good ... .and i hear you hh ... .good luck to the next guy ... .good luck and when you suffer call me ... .i will tell you about this website

[MindfulJavaJoe]

now that we have broken up when i talk with them they are able to remind me of bad things that i have forgotten , or should i say things that i have blocked

I have had the same experience myself. I tended only to remember the good times.

I big question we some day have to each ask ourselves is why?

Why did we lose sight of reality and our boundaries?

[2010]

Well today it really hit me that she is bad. I always thought that she wasn't that bad, but no more. The talks of cutting herself, running her car off the road and my favorite sticking her head in the oven were just ways to control me.

TRUE.

Borderlines are linear people and they tend to swing back and forth from good to bad as part-time "selves." They are not whole persons. They need others to become whole. They do not think outside of the box and problem solve this. They do, however, attract people who do. They tend to attract people based upon good, they mirror the good and in the end they turn that former good (the attachment) into bad.  Unfortunately, the good in you has now been smeared.

People who intellectualize and have the ability to think out of the box (problem solve) are pulled into the BPD maelstrom like moths to a flame. What starts out as a problem to solve becomes a reactionary staircase- each step becoming more and more drama and consequently, more and more pull to the problem solver to solve the BPD dilemma.  Why does everything good have to be ___ on? Best guesstimate: Borderlines are unable to own their own behavior. This is your hook.

Since Borderline attachment swings back and forth in reward and withdrawal, they movement is based on drama, and the emotions (for both people) are based upon *action* and *re-action.*  Having a partner who did not react to the Borderline's drama would not allow for attachment. Action and reaction fuels the disorder.  Complex thinkers and problems solvers are drawn into the drama as solving the crisis is the basis for our self esteem issues.  When you are originally thought of as good and then turned to bad, the feelings are very representative of who you think you are. Being with a Borderline partner at first idealizes and then challenges this ideal. p.s. Again, Borderlines are unable to own their own behavior. This is your hook.

Since BPD's cannot think outside of the box (they do not have the ability to see themselves as distinct objects that are *not* controlled by others, i.e, they perceive themselves to be without any self-determination and feel that *they* are the reactionaries to your actions.  This is the fantasy based persecution they hold near and dear to their "personal truth" Borderlines tend to create scenarios that demand participation for a *personality that feels responsible* for the Borderline behavior. Otherwise, you would just walk away from the crazy person, right?

You were picked appropriately enough for your loyalty. This loyalty (the keep coming back for more dance) is ripe for the Borderline to attach, de-tach and re-attach (ad nausea,) so they can re-visit the initial archaic attachment that they never escaped from during childhood. This is adulthood for a Borderline and it needs your loyalty to work.  Watch out, your happiness is at stake here and life is short. This isn't your battle to conquer yet you feel responsible. Your battle should be a personal journey as to why the attraction of feeling needed and responsible and "good" brought you into this dynamic. Hint: It's not about love. (It's need.)

Plain and simple, there has to be a boundary set by you that stops the participation in the drama. And with BPD there is always huge drama because they see emotions on a grand, looming, technicolor, all or none scale.  Borderlines are unable to feel and allow for subtle emotions because they have never been able to learn them during childhood. They don't recognize themselves as being single. They have never tolerated being alone and they never learned to self soothe the anxiety about being alone without panic.

Inside their head is attachment and bondage, persecution and control. They have never given themselves the time to be alone to feel the pain associated with becoming separate (and alone) from the very attachments that they feel persecute and control them. Therefore Borderlines are consistently down upon themselves (part time bad) while looking for attachment as a "need" (part time good) in another human being.  To become WHOLE with another human being is their idea of love, but it's not real love- it's fantasy. It involves yearning when they are unattached and engulfment when they are. It's a chase, fantasy, longing-when they seek love, but not stable and still when they attach. It is always a disordered thought- searching and moving, back and forth- always in drama. And never safe ALONE.

Once they find that person they "need" they overvalue them and offer themselves up as sacrificial offerings. If they think they have an opportunity to attach and fulfill that neediness, they have a tendency to go large on the excitement of falling in Luuuuuuuuuurrvvvvvvvvv, rather than letting it grow and deepen into a mature love, with mundane, every day peace and calm. There is intense interest in you in the early stages for a reason = that is quick and shallow attachment to offset the panic of being alone. If the excitement and intensity of being in Luuuuuuuuurrvvvvvvvvvv fades during the process of the attachment, they think it means that the attachment is less secure and somehow less important.  So they create drama to assure themselves that the attachment bond (and sadly enough your puppet strings) are still working.  The relationship is superficial, the feelings are not. The intensity of their feelings during the attachment is their barometer for the attachment bond. It is linear- back and forth- constantly moving. Never secure.

The pain of this is horrendous in a relationship and it certainly feels personal, like we caused it, but it really has nothing to do with us. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't stay and try to control it. If you do stay, you are making yourself a willing participant in a disordered thought process that is persecutorial. You will become what they feel you are in their minds: a controller.  They become emotionally unavailable people who constantly swing back and forth. This is no way to love.

Your relationship will be mired in unexplained absences, expenses, lateness, and secrecy. You will violate your own boundaries as they cling to you as well as the boundaries of the Borderline when they withdraw from you. You will be pulled into romance as a snare without intimacy or depth. Your partner will appear superficial and insincere and yet show moments of awareness that they have issues. You will become suspicious of the swinging moods and your health may suffer. All of this is like catnip to your working mind (and problem solving) but your body will begin to suffer for it in health complaints. Soon the thoughts may become an obsession. If you cannot get out of the mind-trap, try to participate in the forum and type out your thoughts. As Winston Churchill said, "If you are going through Hell, keep going." There's a reason for your journey and you'll find it eventually if you ask yourself the tough questions.

Remember, BPD is a disorder that replicates itself onto new partnerships. That can't happen if you keep participating.  If you are playing the part of reactor to their "acting" out, you'll soon run the risk of becoming subsumed by another person as you respond to their behavior.  Your job is to stop reacting to the acting out. You'll soon find that the Borderline will try to up the ante and make the bond more secure by doing something really awful that you cannot ignore. They may try to triangulate you with others (there's that linear movement again, this time around three people.) Good or bad, all or none, black or white, it doesn't make sense to someone who colors outside of the lines and thinks outside of the box. If this is you, you'll need to make yourself aware of what's pulling you in as an attraction and fight it with all of your might not to respond. Therein lies your battle.  

[pfunk]

Well today it really hit me that she is bad. I always thought that she wasn't that bad, but no more. The talks of cutting herself, running her car off the road and my favorite sticking her head in the oven were just ways to control me.

TRUE.

Borderlines are linear people and they tend to swing back and forth from good to bad as part-time "selves." They are not whole persons. They need others to become whole. They do not think outside of the box and problem solve this. They do, however, attract people who do. They tend to attract people based upon good, they mirror the good and in the end they turn that former good (the attachment) into bad.  Unfortunately, the good in you has now been smeared.

People who intellectualize and have the ability to think out of the box (problem solve) are pulled into the BPD maelstrom like moths to a flame. What starts out as a problem to solve becomes a reactionary staircase- each step becoming more and more drama and consequently, more and more pull to the problem solver to solve the BPD dilemma.  Why does everything good have to be ___ on? Best guesstimate: Borderlines are unable to own their own behavior. This is your hook.

Since Borderline attachment swings back and forth in reward and withdrawal, they movement is based on drama, and the emotions (for both people) are based upon *action* and *re-action.*  Having a partner who did not react to the Borderline's drama would not allow for attachment. Action and reaction fuels the disorder.  Complex thinkers and problems solvers are drawn into the drama as solving the crisis is the basis for our self esteem issues.  When you are originally thought of as good and then turned to bad, the feelings are very representative of who you think you are. Being with a Borderline partner at first idealizes and then challenges this ideal. p.s. Again, Borderlines are unable to own their own behavior. This is your hook.

Since BPD's cannot think outside of the box (they do not have the ability to see themselves as distinct objects that are *not* controlled by others, i.e, they perceive themselves to be without any self-determination and feel that *they* are the reactionaries to your actions.  This is the fantasy based persecution they hold near and dear to their "personal truth" Borderlines tend to create scenarios that demand participation for a *personality that feels responsible* for the Borderline behavior. Otherwise, you would just walk away from the crazy person, right?

You were picked appropriately enough for your loyalty. This loyalty (the keep coming back for more dance) is ripe for the Borderline to attach, de-tach and re-attach (ad nausea,) so they can re-visit the initial archaic attachment that they never escaped from during childhood. This is adulthood for a Borderline and it needs your loyalty to work.  Watch out, your happiness is at stake here and life is short. This isn't your battle to conquer yet you feel responsible. Your battle should be a personal journey as to why the attraction of feeling needed and responsible and "good" brought you into this dynamic. Hint: It's not about love. (It's need.)

Plain and simple, there has to be a boundary set by you that stops the participation in the drama. And with BPD there is always huge drama because they see emotions on a grand, looming, technicolor, all or none scale.  Borderlines are unable to feel and allow for subtle emotions because they have never been able to learn them during childhood. They don't recognize themselves as being single. They have never tolerated being alone and they never learned to self soothe the anxiety about being alone without panic.

Inside their head is attachment and bondage, persecution and control. They have never given themselves the time to be alone to feel the pain associated with becoming separate (and alone) from the very attachments that they feel persecute and control them. Therefore Borderlines are consistently down upon themselves (part time bad) while looking for attachment as a "need" (part time good) in another human being.  To become WHOLE with another human being is their idea of love, but it's not real love- it's fantasy. It involves yearning when they are unattached and engulfment when they are. It's a chase, fantasy, longing-when they seek love, but not stable and still when they attach. It is always a disordered thought- searching and moving, back and forth- always in drama. And never safe ALONE.

Once they find that person they "need" they overvalue them and offer themselves up as sacrificial offerings. If they think they have an opportunity to attach and fulfill that neediness, they have a tendency to go large on the excitement of falling in Luuuuuuuuuurrvvvvvvvvv, rather than letting it grow and deepen into a mature love, with mundane, every day peace and calm. There is intense interest in you in the early stages for a reason = that is quick and shallow attachment to offset the panic of being alone. If the excitement and intensity of being in Luuuuuuuuurrvvvvvvvvvv fades during the process of the attachment, they think it means that the attachment is less secure and somehow less important.  So they create drama to assure themselves that the attachment bond (and sadly enough your puppet strings) are still working.  The relationship is superficial, the feelings are not. The intensity of their feelings during the attachment is their barometer for the attachment bond. It is linear- back and forth- constantly moving. Never secure.

The pain of this is horrendous in a relationship and it certainly feels personal, like we caused it, but it really has nothing to do with us. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't stay and try to control it. If you do stay, you are making yourself a willing participant in a disordered thought process that is persecutorial. You will become what they feel you are in their minds: a controller.  They become emotionally unavailable people who constantly swing back and forth. This is no way to love.

Your relationship will be mired in unexplained absences, expenses, lateness, and secrecy. You will violate your own boundaries as they cling to you as well as the boundaries of the Borderline when they withdraw from you. You will be pulled into romance as a snare without intimacy or depth. Your partner will appear superficial and insincere and yet show moments of awareness that they have issues. You will become suspicious of the swinging moods and your health may suffer. All of this is like catnip to your working mind (and problem solving) but your body will begin to suffer for it in health complaints. Soon the thoughts may become an obsession. If you cannot get out of the mind-trap, try to participate in the forum and type out your thoughts. As Winston Churchill said, "If you are going through Hell, keep going." There's a reason for your journey and you'll find it eventually if you ask yourself the tough questions.

Remember, BPD is a disorder that replicates itself onto new partnerships. That can't happen if you keep participating.  If you are playing the part of reactor to their "acting" out, you'll soon run the risk of becoming subsumed by another person as you respond to their behavior.  Your job is to stop reacting to the acting out. You'll soon find that the Borderline will try to up the ante and make the bond more secure by doing something really awful that you cannot ignore. They may try to triangulate you with others (there's that linear movement again, this time around three people.) Good or bad, all or none, black or white, it doesn't make sense to someone who colors outside of the lines and thinks outside of the box. If this is you, you'll need to make yourself aware of what's pulling you in as an attraction and fight it with all of your might not to respond. Therein lies your battle.  

Great post, i needed to read this today in order to keep myself heading in the right direction, thanks for posting this 2010.

[whitedoe]

Thanks for starting this thread, helpinghand... .

And thank you so very much for your comments 2010... .you've given me and all of us so much to think over... .

I have learned so much from your sharing out here on these boards... .And I am so grateful for your caring and support! 

WhiteDoe