Daily dose of transference

[Finallyfree123]

trans·fer·ence (trns-fûrns, trnsfr-ns)

n.

In psychoanalysis, the process by which emotions associated with one person, such as a parent, unconsciously shift to another.   

Anyone else experience this?

My uBPDexbf used to do this to me. It started really small with little put down comments often said in jest then when he would cycle he would treat me as if I were the one who abused him all his life. He would call me the very names he used to describe his abusive father and ex wife. Then unleash 46years of anger on me as if I was the enemy.

I calmly tried to tell him he was doing this but that led to him calling me more names.

[FindingMe2011]

Yes, I would constantly tell uBPDw, that the anger you are showing is way over the top for the issue at hand. Ussually exiting the scene, to let her sit with it, as she would then go hide in the bedroom. i see now how this has moved on to our children. I talk to them every chance the opportunity presents itself. They are doing much better, or at least better than the would have, had I not had a   momment. i would also catch myself being effected. Looking back, there was a whole lot of, all the crap going on, CRAZY-MAKING. My kids come to me from time to time, looking for validation, telling me of events, I have explained to my kids, "Your mother has alot of wonderful qualities, but dealing with most anything, while she appears stressed out, is not one." They agree. Go figure, shes stressed out the majority of the time. or used to be. Maybe without me as a trigger, its better. Doubt it, as she will find a new one. Im hoping they can see through this, being mindful, instead of being caught up in the momment, when they get exposed to it. I feel they are. My r/s, with my 2 daughters, is better than ever.  

[Ace]

I have heard of transference, but it took me looking it up to figure out the difference between transference and projection. 

"Patients who ascribe their own words or thoughts to a therapist are projecting, which is an aspect of transference. Projection is a primitive defense mechanism, seen especially in paranoid individuals who resist or refuse to recognize that qualities, feelings or wishes emanate from themselves, attributing them to someone or something else instead. Transference more globally refers to recreating the problems and patterns developed in key relationships during early life into current important relations."

Thought this might be good since I don't hear much talk about transference.  I think most people are familiar with projection.   

[Finallyfree123]

I was surprised not to hear more of it on hear.


In simple terms he transferred the feelings he had toward his abusers to me and he

Projected his own negative traits to me as if they were my traits.

My brain understands why he acted this way but it's still hurtful when you know who you are and someone depicts you as evil. And then uses those misconceptions against you. 

[Finallyfree123]

on "here"

[2010]

trans·fer·ence (trns-fûrns, trnsfr-ns)

n.

In psychoanalysis, the process by which emotions associated with one person, such as a parent, unconsciously shift to another.  

Anyone else experience this?

Borderline personality disorder *IS* transference. Transference is the disorder. Psychoanalysts need to be aware of this so that they do not bring their own "counter" transference into the session. This is why it's very hard to treat Borderlines without some fundamentals of the Borderline thought process. Since Borderline is a process of manipulation, with seductive (at first) valuation that scans the other for clues as to what *they think* is valuable (not what the Borderline thinks) - the therapist can be misled into over-valuation which takes the focus off of the Borderlines free will and subsequently leads the therapy into the Borderlines clinging learned helplessness on the therapist and eventual acting out of their persecution complex to test the bond.

Borderlines will choose attachments (therapists, lovers, friends) that they can transfer their archaic and primitive ego defenses on to while repetitiously re-working their feelings of shame. The partner usually has their own counter transference that sucks them into the Borderline's needs not being met because of archaic and primitive ego defenses as well.  Usually these have to do with being seen as self-sacrificing and good enough- (therapists above all need to be aware of their own narcissistic ideals.)

Borderlines are not whole people who can be alone and self soothe. They need others. They are part time selves looking for the good in another person to become whole and then fearing the withdrawal of that good.

The initial mirroring of your good is done to ensure your active participation. You may bond- but at a polarized "all good" attachment which is not realistic. Since this is a disorder, the all-good attachment is a fantasy and a repetitious one that shows their earliest sufferings of life.

In reality, the attachment for a Borderline is an insecure one. Borderline relationships begin with mirroring the good in another and then hating that good as it is seen as the more powerful half of the whole. The good is depended upon which generates impossible levels of anxiety which makes them feel bad.  That's right, your good is now so powerful that it makes them feel uncomfortable. To offset those unbearable feelings the Borderline becomes hostile toward the good half, especially so if the Borderline's *needs* are not being met (often they are an imaginary need which is entirely a distorted perception.) Not getting these superficial needs met (another way of controlling the good object) makes the Borderline panic and anxious and unable to self soothe.  If their good object doesn't come running to see that they are comforted- it is split into bad. Now their half can become good again. If they escape the attachment, they must seal off the ego into a primitive defense of deprivation until they can find another good half that will host them. Most of the time the finding of another good half is done by manipulating another person into being a rescuer in response to your (the former good half) persecution.

The key here is to stop yourself (the former good object now split into bad) from "counter" transferring your own hurt back onto the dynamic of persecution. If you don't stop yourself from reacting to this -you'll risk actually proving them right! This is also the analyst's condition as well and why it's so hard to treat BPD. Most of the reactions to it fulfill the Borderline ideas of reference.  The best way to handle the chaos is to let it fall flat and don't keep it in play.  

[ve01603]

trans·fer·ence (trns-fûrns, trnsfr-ns)

n.

In psychoanalysis, the process by which emotions associated with one person, such as a parent, unconsciously shift to another.   

Anyone else experience this?

My uBPDexbf used to do this to me. It started really small with little put down comments often said in jest then when he would cycle he would treat me as if I were the one who abused him all his life. He would call me the very names he used to describe his abusive father and ex wife. Then unleash 46years of anger on me as if I was the enemy.

I calmly tried to tell him he was doing this but that led to him calling me more names.

Been there.

[ve01603]

I was surprised not to hear more of it on hear.


In simple terms he transferred the feelings he had toward his abusers to me and he

Projected his own negative traits to me as if they were my traits.

My brain understands why he acted this way but it's still hurtful when you know who you are and someone depicts you as evil. And then uses those misconceptions against you. 

Especially when you loved them with all of your heart and would have done anything to help them.

[ve01603]

trans·fer·ence (trns-fûrns, trnsfr-ns)

n.

In psychoanalysis, the process by which emotions associated with one person, such as a parent, unconsciously shift to another.  

Anyone else experience this?

Borderline personality disorder *IS* transference. Transference is the disorder. Psychoanalysts need to be aware of this so that they do not bring their own "counter" transference into the session. This is why it's very hard to treat Borderlines without some fundamentals of the Borderline thought process. Since Borderline is a process of manipulation, with seductive (at first) valuation that scans the other for clues as to what *they think* is valuable (not what the Borderline thinks) - the therapist can be misled into over-valuation which takes the focus off of the Borderlines free will and subsequently leads the therapy into the Borderlines clinging learned helplessness on the therapist and eventual acting out of their persecution complex to test the bond.

Borderlines will choose attachments (therapists, lovers, friends) that they can transfer their archaic and primitive ego defenses on to while repetitiously re-working their feelings of shame. The partner usually has their own counter transference that sucks them into the Borderline's needs not being met because of archaic and primitive ego defenses as well.  Usually these have to do with being seen as self-sacrificing and good enough- (therapists above all need to be aware of their own narcissistic ideals.)

Borderlines are not whole people who can be alone and self soothe. They need others. They are part time selves looking for the good in another person to become whole and then fearing the withdrawal of that good.

The initial mirroring of your good is done to ensure your active participation. You may bond- but at a polarized "all good" attachment which is not realistic. Since this is a disorder, the all-good attachment is a fantasy and a repetitious one that shows their earliest sufferings of life.

In reality, the attachment for a Borderline is an insecure one. Borderline relationships begin with mirroring the good in another and then hating that good as it is seen as the more powerful half of the whole. The good is depended upon which generates impossible levels of anxiety which makes them feel bad.  That's right, your good is now so powerful that it makes them feel uncomfortable. To offset those unbearable feelings the Borderline becomes hostile toward the good half, especially so if the Borderline's *needs* are not being met (often they are an imaginary need which is entirely a distorted perception.) Not getting these superficial needs met (another way of controlling the good object) makes the Borderline panic and anxious and unable to self soothe.  If their good object doesn't come running to see that they are comforted- it is split into bad. Now their half can become good again. If they escape the attachment, they must seal off the ego into a primitive defense of deprivation until they can find another good half that will host them. Most of the time the finding of another good half is done by manipulating another person into being a rescuer in response to your (the former good half) persecution.The key here is to stop yourself (the former good object now split into bad) from "counter" transferring your own hurt back onto the dynamic of persecution. If you don't stop yourself from reacting to this -you'll risk actually proving them right! This is also the analyst's condition as well and why it's so hard to treat BPD. Most of the reactions to it fulfill the Borderline ideas of reference.  The best way to handle the chaos is to let it fall flat and don't keep it in play.  

Wow!  I always suspected this.  Thanks.

[Finallyfree123]

"In reality, the attachment for a Borderline is an insecure one. Borderline relationships begin with mirroring the good in another and then hating that good as it is seen as the more powerful half of the whole. The good is depended upon which generates impossible levels of anxiety which makes them feel bad.  That's right, your good is now so powerful that it makes them feel uncomfortable. To offset those unbearable feelings the Borderline becomes hostile toward the good half, especially so if the Borderline's *needs* are not being met (often they are an imaginary need which is entirely a distorted perception.) Not getting these superficial needs met (another way of controlling the good object) makes the Borderline panic and anxious and unable to self soothe.  If their good object doesn't come running to see that they are comforted- it is split into bad. Now their half can become good again. If they escape the attachment, they must seal off the ego into a primitive defense of deprivation until they can find another good half that will host them. Most of the time the finding of another good half is done by manipulating another person into being a rescuer in response to your (the former good half) persecution. "


2010: This is unbelievably insightful and accurate.

[OTH]

My r/s, with my 2 daughters, is better than ever.  

They have a safe nurturing place to come when they need it.

[whitedoe]

I was surprised not to hear more of it on hear.


In simple terms he transferred the feelings he had toward his abusers to me and he

Projected his own negative traits to me as if they were my traits.

My brain understands why he acted this way but it's still hurtful when you know who you are and someone depicts you as evil. And then uses those misconceptions against you. 

Especially when you loved them with all of your heart and would have done anything to help them.

Ohhh, I know what you mean, ve... .God, it's soo heartbreaking... .

WhiteDoe

[ve01603]

I was surprised not to hear more of it on hear.


In simple terms he transferred the feelings he had toward his abusers to me and he

Projected his own negative traits to me as if they were my traits.

My brain understands why he acted this way but it's still hurtful when you know who you are and someone depicts you as evil. And then uses those misconceptions against you. 

Especially when you loved them with all of your heart and would have done anything to help them.

Ohhh, I know what you mean, ve... .God, it's soo heartbreaking... .

WhiteDoe

It certainly is.

[eeyore]

The key here is to stop yourself (the former good object now split into bad) from "counter" transferring your own hurt back onto the dynamic of persecution. If you don't stop yourself from reacting to this -you'll risk actually proving them right! This is also the analyst's condition as well and why it's so hard to treat BPD. Most of the reactions to it fulfill the Borderline ideas of reference.  The best way to handle the chaos is to let it fall flat and don't keep it in play.  

Would you be able to give some examples of how to let it fall flat? 

[eeyore]

trans·fer·ence (trns-fûrns, trnsfr-ns)

n.

In psychoanalysis, the process by which emotions associated with one person, such as a parent, unconsciously shift to another.   

Anyone else experience this?

My uBPDexbf used to do this to me. It started really small with little put down comments often said in jest then when he would cycle he would treat me as if I were the one who abused him all his life. He would call me the very names he used to describe his abusive father and ex wife. Then unleash 46years of anger on me as if I was the enemy.

I calmly tried to tell him he was doing this but that led to him calling me more names.

Thank you for starting this thread.  It's been a good one for me.

[OTH]

Would you be able to give some examples of how to let it fall flat? 

You end the relationship. A relationship takes two people. If one isn't engaged the relationship ends. 2010 just means walk away. End communication. Move on with your life.

[eeyore]

Would you be able to give some examples of how to let it fall flat? 

You end the relationship. A relationship takes two people. If one isn't engaged the relationship ends. 2010 just means walk away. End communication. Move on with your life.

And that is the only option?  I'd be interested if that is what 2010 meant to say?  If so why not just say end the relationship rather than say let it fall flat?