Harassment Continues

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone -

I haven't posted in awhile. My exBPDbf broke up with me the end of May. It was completely out of the blue. He told me he loved me the night before and ended our 5 1/2 year relationship the next day.

3 weeks had passed before I found out that he was supposingly involved with someone new. I confronted him with this and that is when he painted me blacker than black and started projecting all the abuse he put me through onto himself.

In late July he started sending me emails pretending to be his new interest. The emails would always tell "me" to stop "harassing" her and would seem to be in response to an email "I" had written. In every email she would say, "If you have something to ask, then ask!" or say things like "You need to get over him" etc.,

What he failed to realize was that I was able to trace these emails back to him (via the ip address). Also, I know him well enough to know the buttons he would try to push to get me to respond.

When I finally did respond with a simple, "Are you okay? I've been worried about you." He used this as ammunition to "try" and hurt me more. On top of al this he was (and still is) stalking my blog daily (sometimes 10+ times). He doesn't realize I have a private tracker on there. Knowing this I posted an article about "cyberstalking" and "identity theft" --- both which prompted him to freak out, call and leave a "fake" apology. Convinced that he would at least stop with the emails, I let him know that I wouldn't proceed with anything legally.

A week later ---- another email.

I ignored and email attempts he has made for over a month.

He sent me a text yesterday saying:

"Is there anything you need to talk to me about? Because other than that I don't think there's anything to say. I'm never coming back so let's put this in the past. I want you to go on with your life an be happy."

A.) He has been trying to get me to ask him questions/engage with all those fake emails and I never did. Why does he continue to ask this?

B.) It sounds like projection to me. HE knows "I" will never go back! Not once did I ask to get back together and I think this is driving him crazy! There is nothing on my blog about him. Only positive/happy stuff about MY life. Why he feels the need to say "he is never coming back and let's put this in the past" makes zero sense -- I HAVE? And then to say HE wants ME to go on with MY life and be happy is again projection -- he knows I AM -- he obviously is the one who is not.

What does he want from me, everyone?

When I didn't respond to his text, he sent an email, again pretending to be "his new interest" and accusing ME of sending "childish emails" and saying "l needed to get over him and grow up!"

It's all very psychotic!

I would love your feedback on this? Does it sound like he is projecting all his feelings on me? Am I right to think HE is the one having a hard time moving on?

I know his goal is to hurt me, but am I reading into this correctly?

Thanks!   

[outoftime]

Hey everyone -

I haven't posted in awhile. My exBPDbf broke up with me the end of May. It was completely out of the blue. He told me he loved me the night before and ended our 5 1/2 year relationship the next day.

3 weeks had passed before I found out that he was supposingly involved with someone new. I confronted him with this and that is when he painted me blacker than black and started projecting all the abuse he put me through onto himself.

In late July he started sending me emails pretending to be his new interest. The emails would always tell "me" to stop "harassing" her and would seem to be in response to an email "I" had written. In every email she would say, "If you have something to ask, then ask!" or say things like "You need to get over him" etc.,

What he failed to realize was that I was able to trace these emails back to him (via the ip address). Also, I know him well enough to know the buttons he would try to push to get me to respond.

When I finally did respond with a simple, "Are you okay? I've been worried about you." He used this as ammunition to "try" and hurt me more. On top of al this he was (and still is) stalking my blog daily (sometimes 10+ times). He doesn't realize I have a private tracker on there. Knowing this I posted an article about "cyberstalking" and "identity theft" --- both which prompted him to freak out, call and leave a "fake" apology. Convinced that he would at least stop with the emails, I let him know that I wouldn't proceed with anything legally.

A week later ---- another email.

I ignored and email attempts he has made for over a month.

He sent me a text yesterday saying:

"Is there anything you need to talk to me about? Because other than that I don't think there's anything to say. I'm never coming back so let's put this in the past. I want you to go on with your life an be happy."

A.) He has been trying to get me to ask him questions/engage with all those fake emails and I never did. Why does he continue to ask this?

B.) It sounds like projection to me. HE knows "I" will never go back! Not once did I ask to get back together and I think this is driving him crazy! There is nothing on my blog about him. Only positive/happy stuff about MY life. Why he feels the need to say "he is never coming back and let's put this in the past" makes zero sense -- I HAVE? And then to say HE wants ME to go on with MY life and be happy is again projection -- he knows I AM -- he obviously is the one who is not.

What does he want from me, everyone?

When I didn't respond to his text, he sent an email, again pretending to be "his new interest" and accusing ME of sending "childish emails" and saying "l needed to get over him and grow up!"

It's all very psychotic!

I would love your feedback on this? Does it sound like he is projecting all his feelings on me? Am I right to think HE is the one having a hard time moving on?

I know his goal is to hurt me, but am I reading into this correctly?

Thanks!   

[Clearmind]

Jeepers OutoftheFog! Ok Lets turn the email around:

What he is REALLY trying to say: "I have heaps to say to you, because I am feeling a load of shame/guilt, the r/s is not in my past for this reason, everyone abandons me, and I want to blame you for it. Why didnt you rescue me from this woman that is 30 years older than me (hope that was right!). I would love to come back but you made it so damn difficult for me and I want to tell you that in the hope you will get what you have done, fix yourself and come back to me. I cannot get on with my life and feel so empty, i look in the mirror and dont see anyone, but it seems that you have moved on. Please reply and fill my bottomless bucket of need. Bye!" Sounds embellished, but I really think this is the way it is.

You not responding to him shows him that you are moving on. He has no clue whether you are or not - but this is a great illusion to uphold.

He is not trying to hurt you - he is - however, he is hurting like hell froze over and is projecting it onto you. Dont respond at all. This is a game and it will be checkmate if you respond.

Also, while I understand you wanting to post blogs that you know he will read - strangely enough he knows this and to him its still contact regardless if its via web media.

Hugs to you and you are doing great.  

[2010]

"Is there anything you need to talk to me about? Because other than that I don't think there's anything to say. I'm never coming back so let's put this in the past. I want you to go on with your life an be happy."

He has a point.  What is the purpose of your blog? What does it serve you to post your relationship success on the internet when he (and she) both know your blog address? Is it possible that you're publishing these feelings to elicit a reaction? Whether or not you intend this, the reaction has occured. Now, what do you get out of it and why do you think it's not your responsibility to maintain no contact?

Putting a boundary in place concerning the privacy of your relationships will help you heal from their failures without needing to fend off shame by casting blame or suffering guilt.  Posting about how happy you are when you are clearly unhappy is boundary-less and asking for a fight. It is also encroaching upon the right to privacy of others and makes you appear to be vindictive.

Of course you will attract scorn from him as well as his new love interest as the break-up was anything but happy. The drama between you all is kept in play.  Is that what you want?  If not, remove the writing concerning relationships and write about something else like the weather- otherwise you're not being honest to yourself about your own feelings and that's what matters here above all.

[outoftime]

Clearmind, thank you so much! That is exactly what I feel he is thinking. I appreciate you taking the time to reply!

2010 - Quick question? I didn't mention anything about writing about a new relationship in my above post? What makes you say that? Also, I've had my blog since 200x and have always written about my life etc., and have a pretty nice following. Since the breakup I have been extra careful NOT to share personal info because I know he goes to it. Also, I never mentioned his new love interest goes to the blog either? I AM much happier, moving on and doing better. I'm not completely over the pain of everything, but I am getting there. I was bullied so much in my relationship that I refuse to revert to writing about "the weather" on my blog when I am already "watching what I say" and not writing about the abuse I endured. I hope this makes sense? This is not a game "to me" - this is my life. He doesn't have a point because I am not (and have not) been trying to communicate with him. Its all gaslighting in my opinion.

Thanks guys

[doublebind]

I'm going to repeat what the others have said - it's his projection.  I get accused by ex of phone harrassing him.  Threatens to have me thrown in jail.  That's when he's not ___g into my voicemail about how I never call him back.  It is utter nonsense.  In fact, he has been accused by several exes of phone harassment

I asked him one time, back when he was still rational some of the time, why he said such horrible things to people.  He said to make them feel as bad as he does.  He never seems to notice that this doesn't work, because his friends either ignore his truely nasty talk to them or eventually dump the friendship because of it.  I put up with it for the longest time and never engaged back.  I thought I could lead by example and he'd stop it.  It didn't work.