Getting the Angries Out

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

          So a year ago exactly, I wrote my exBPD a letter in response to his constant posting on social media about what “it means to be married” and all the things that I had done wrong. Publicly shaming me and humiliating me, when he knew I would never ever post anything (as I have never been comfortable with, and prefer to deal with personal things privately). Anyway, he posted something inflammatory on his public account directed to “You”. Not saying my name, but clearly, as I had been his wife, very blatantly to me. Saying that his school program had been so taxing, and that is why he couldn’t pay enough attention to me (always pinning me for needy). But not that his program was nearing an end, and I had fled from the “temporary never” (?), and quit, he had all the time in the world now, he was emerging from “the tunnel into the light”, to give me what I needed. Um, yeah. Right. Anyway, I wrote a letter to him, and fantasized for weeks about posting it publicly to finally retaliate. I did not do it, but just kept it and read it over and over wishing I could. Feeling SO angry that everyone saw him as the good guy, and me as the bad guy when they knew absolutely NOTHING.
   I wish I had known about this community last year when I was so angry, hurt, confused and lost. It would have been such a better outlet, rather than internalizing it, and of course eventually falling back into his trap. Although now, looking back at this letter, I have so much comfort knowing that despite how rocky it has been over the course of this year extricating myself from this man, I am in such a better place. Still angry, its like it sometimes just bubbles up and I feel like my own blood is on fire (are others experiencing this?), but less so.
        More sad, and resigned; grieving the relationship, losing the "fantasy" man that actually did not exist, but also really grieving the trusting, open, and vulnerable person I was and lost along the way. That makes me sad. But I am finally beginning to accept that he did not do these things out of spite or just to hurt me exactly, but because he is broken inside, and ill. Something I did not understand at the time. Realizing this has I think brought me to a place of more acceptance rather than so much anger, which I think is a step in the right direction.  So here, to just get it off my chest as I work on saying goodbye to that angry person and welcoming a new me with more balance, is my unsent/not posted response letter to him. Maybe for others still waffling back and forth in the anger phase of grieving can relate. And maybe someday I can write a letter that I don't send either, but instead of expressing anger, will express forgiveness.

Dear B…I mean “You” (since we are so publicly being discreet),

       The other day I noticed a grey hair on my head. A large, coarse, silver strand that stood out from the rest of my dark locks awkwardly, jutting forward, thrusting itself up towards the sky aggressively, as if to say “look, look! look at me!".  :)o you know what I did to that grey hair? I named it “Little B”, plucked it out, and flushed it down the toilet ceremoniously. Thank you, “you”, for that. You ****-y little excuse of a man.
   
   Today I decided, after 3 years of silently putting up with your public posts about my marriage, about my life, my hardships, struggles, and heartbreak, to offer you the same decency. Perhaps after this, you will find that posting constantly is not charming nor endearing. It is actually, flat out, no sugar coating it— ******* rude.
   
   “You”, I am happy you have found yourself with time now. How wonderful! Although I did not realize you didn’t have it since you started your program. I guess the hours at the gym taking selfies, hours on your ass watching TV and playing video games, and countless nights out where you crept back in at 5 am— were not actually hours of free time. Perhaps in that time you were studying the anatomy of being an ass. I think you have finally mastered that, and graduated summa cum laud. Congratulations!
   
   I am sorry that your studies ruined your marriage. Made you mean and harsh, thankless, critical and verbally abusive; made you play games, bounce at night and take up modeling, all on your wifes' only days off from night shifts at the ER she did to support you; made you put her down and make her feel small, insignificant, unimportant around friends and family; made you disregard her concerns her fears; made you disappear when she needed you most and leave her alone to make the hardest choices of her life; made you emotionally cheat and scoff at her insecurities of this; made you push her to divorce you and then get her back only to treat her the same way 3 times over and hold the divorce over her head in resentment; made you treat her like booty call, only showing up, “making time” at 2 am once a week; made you put her at odds with her family; made you read all her personal journals and say it was her fault, because journaling was wrong; made you pull a gun out and threaten to kill yourself and then tell her you would never do such a thing, you were “just kidding"; gave her the silent treatment, told her she was dramatic and ridiculous,  because she refused to get in the car with you when you were angry drunk; made you make her feel like a fool. And finally, made you BREAK INTO HER HOME and accuse her of cheating, terrorize her while all she asked was that you let her be, heal and move on with her life.  Clearly your studies made you do all this, makes so much sense now. Keep on blaming school.
   
   I am sorry that it took you this long to realize I am no fool. But really, I am not sorry. Because if you had realized it sooner, then maybe I would have stuck around longer when I really never should have married your ass in the first place; “YOU”, you lazy, criminal, son of a ___— Literally. However, I am so happy that your head is finally emerging from the tunnel (that was your ass), and seeking the light that has been there and I have been living in all along. I hope that you can rid yourself of the stank that remains in your nostrils. However, since you love yourself so much, you probably love the smell of that too.
   
   So you may say that I gave up. Walked away from the “temporary never”, whateverthe****thatmeans. The race was not almost over, because the temporary struggles were actually not so temporary. It was not school that was the problem, it was “YOU”.  The temporary struggles, actually, indeed would have been my whole life. And life is much too short to waste on a little boy who cannot take responsibility to save his life… or his marriage.
   
   So you are right, be stern. Stay strong. You are going to need it to find a woman who will put up with the crap that I would not.  I should have cheated on you when we were together. However, now that we are not, the satisfaction of someone else giving it to me good in the bed that we used to share is almost revenge enough. So my audience, before you press “like”, always keep in mind that there are always two sides to a story. Welcome to mine.
   Have fun in jail, you slimy pig of a man. If I did not dislike “you” so much, maybe I would pity you.
               But I don’t.
See you never— “Me”.

[jade907]

          So a year ago exactly, I wrote my exBPD a letter in response to his constant posting on social media about what “it means to be married” and all the things that I had done wrong. Publicly shaming me and humiliating me, when he knew I would never ever post anything (as I have never been comfortable with, and prefer to deal with personal things privately). Anyway, he posted something inflammatory on his public account directed to “You”. Not saying my name, but clearly, as I had been his wife, very blatantly to me. Saying that his school program had been so taxing, and that is why he couldn’t pay enough attention to me (always pinning me for needy). But not that his program was nearing an end, and I had fled from the “temporary never” (?), and quit, he had all the time in the world now, he was emerging from “the tunnel into the light”, to give me what I needed. Um, yeah. Right. Anyway, I wrote a letter to him, and fantasized for weeks about posting it publicly to finally retaliate. I did not do it, but just kept it and read it over and over wishing I could. Feeling SO angry that everyone saw him as the good guy, and me as the bad guy when they knew absolutely NOTHING.
   I wish I had known about this community last year when I was so angry, hurt, confused and lost. It would have been such a better outlet, rather than internalizing it, and of course eventually falling back into his trap. Although now, looking back at this letter, I have so much comfort knowing that despite how rocky it has been over the course of this year extricating myself from this man, I am in such a better place. Still angry, its like it sometimes just bubbles up and I feel like my own blood is on fire (are others experiencing this?), but less so.
        More sad, and resigned; grieving the relationship, losing the "fantasy" man that actually did not exist, but also really grieving the trusting, open, and vulnerable person I was and lost along the way. That makes me sad. But I am finally beginning to accept that he did not do these things out of spite or just to hurt me exactly, but because he is broken inside, and ill. Something I did not understand at the time. Realizing this has I think brought me to a place of more acceptance rather than so much anger, which I think is a step in the right direction.  So here, to just get it off my chest as I work on saying goodbye to that angry person and welcoming a new me with more balance, is my unsent/not posted response letter to him. Maybe for others still waffling back and forth in the anger phase of grieving can relate. And maybe someday I can write a letter that I don't send either, but instead of expressing anger, will express forgiveness.

Dear B…I mean “You” (since we are so publicly being discreet),

       The other day I noticed a grey hair on my head. A large, coarse, silver strand that stood out from the rest of my dark locks awkwardly, jutting forward, thrusting itself up towards the sky aggressively, as if to say “look, look! look at me!".  :)o you know what I did to that grey hair? I named it “Little B”, plucked it out, and flushed it down the toilet ceremoniously. Thank you, “you”, for that. You ****-y little excuse of a man.
   
   Today I decided, after 3 years of silently putting up with your public posts about my marriage, about my life, my hardships, struggles, and heartbreak, to offer you the same decency. Perhaps after this, you will find that posting constantly is not charming nor endearing. It is actually, flat out, no sugar coating it— ******* rude.
   
   “You”, I am happy you have found yourself with time now. How wonderful! Although I did not realize you didn’t have it since you started your program. I guess the hours at the gym taking selfies, hours on your ass watching TV and playing video games, and countless nights out where you crept back in at 5 am— were not actually hours of free time. Perhaps in that time you were studying the anatomy of being an ass. I think you have finally mastered that, and graduated summa cum laud. Congratulations!
   
   I am sorry that your studies ruined your marriage. Made you mean and harsh, thankless, critical and verbally abusive; made you play games, bounce at night and take up modeling, all on your wifes' only days off from night shifts at the ER she did to support you; made you put her down and make her feel small, insignificant, unimportant around friends and family; made you disregard her concerns her fears; made you disappear when she needed you most and leave her alone to make the hardest choices of her life; made you emotionally cheat and scoff at her insecurities of this; made you push her to divorce you and then get her back only to treat her the same way 3 times over and hold the divorce over her head in resentment; made you treat her like booty call, only showing up, “making time” at 2 am once a week; made you put her at odds with her family; made you read all her personal journals and say it was her fault, because journaling was wrong; made you pull a gun out and threaten to kill yourself and then tell her you would never do such a thing, you were “just kidding"; gave her the silent treatment, told her she was dramatic and ridiculous,  because she refused to get in the car with you when you were angry drunk; made you make her feel like a fool. And finally, made you BREAK INTO HER HOME and accuse her of cheating, terrorize her while all she asked was that you let her be, heal and move on with her life.  Clearly your studies made you do all this, makes so much sense now. Keep on blaming school.
   
   I am sorry that it took you this long to realize I am no fool. But really, I am not sorry. Because if you had realized it sooner, then maybe I would have stuck around longer when I really never should have married your ass in the first place; “YOU”, you lazy, criminal, son of a ___— Literally. However, I am so happy that your head is finally emerging from the tunnel (that was your ass), and seeking the light that has been there and I have been living in all along. I hope that you can rid yourself of the stank that remains in your nostrils. However, since you love yourself so much, you probably love the smell of that too.
   
   So you may say that I gave up. Walked away from the “temporary never”, whateverthe****thatmeans. The race was not almost over, because the temporary struggles were actually not so temporary. It was not school that was the problem, it was “YOU”.  The temporary struggles, actually, indeed would have been my whole life. And life is much too short to waste on a little boy who cannot take responsibility to save his life… or his marriage.
   
   So you are right, be stern. Stay strong. You are going to need it to find a woman who will put up with the crap that I would not.  I should have cheated on you when we were together. However, now that we are not, the satisfaction of someone else giving it to me good in the bed that we used to share is almost revenge enough. So my audience, before you press “like”, always keep in mind that there are always two sides to a story. Welcome to mine.
   Have fun in jail, you slimy pig of a man. If I did not dislike “you” so much, maybe I would pity you.
               But I don’t.
See you never— “Me”.

[once removed]

feels good to get it out, no?

sounds like you really tapped into that anger. clever zings, too. i wrote from that same place, and especially since i never went public with any of it, i have no regrets. it wasnt a full picture obviously, but it was how i felt at the time, i connected with it, and it was a useful part of my detachment.

Realizing this has I think brought me to a place of more acceptance rather than so much anger, which I think is a step in the right direction. 

... .

And maybe someday I can write a letter that I don't send either, but instead of expressing anger, will express forgiveness.

for me personally, ive found that forever holding my piece with my anger, and reaching acceptance and forgiveness, i felt it all sort of melt into a profound sense of inner peace. i wish the same for you.

thanks for sharing.

[ynwa]

Hello,

What strikes me is that your anger was truth. Focused and mindful.  And pretty badass.

Thank you for sharing.

[talks to angels]

Awesome!

[LilMe]

Thanks for sharing! I felt better for you after reading it!

[jade907]

Thank you all. There is something very cathartic about just putting it out there. I feel like I spent so much time just monitoring my reactions and words, years of just stifling it; its a relief to be able to say it and know I am not going to have to reap the consequences. Makes me feel that spark, that power I used to have again.