Hi mnwushu89,
... . We still kept in some contact mostly me than her as I had clear issues letting go. Long story short after about 2 to 3 weeks of no contact I called her yesterday and we had a talk about us and how things got to where they were. During that talk and the initial talk she told me that this was the first time in her life that she truly felt like she was living for her and trying to figure herself out and all of that. I had never heard her talk like that and was happy.
My understanding of this disorder is that people with BPD (pwBPD) don't attach to and detach from relationships in a similar way compared to non-disordered people. I see their attachment/detachment as analogous as their "splitting" behavior. In relationships, they are "all in" or else "all out." There is no progression as we experience. I would venture to say that your "clear issues letting go" might actually be reasonable difficulty detaching, where as her apparent ease of detachment (from you; and quick attachment to a new person) is a possible expression of her disorder.
Moreover, her description of "truly felt like she was living for her and trying to figure herself out and all that... . " is rationalization for her happiness from attaching to someone else (i.e., idealization). I see this often in some of my acquaintances who I believe suffer from BPD; they always talk about how perfect their life seems to be in the first stage of being with someone new. I don't try to seem mean spirited in my dismissal of your ex's positive description of her experience, but I don't buy it. I don't think one recovers from BPD like a switch has been flipped. What makes sense to me is a long slog of recovery, like recovery from drug addiction, alcoholism or codependency. If I heard this kind of talk from someone who had newly sober, I would guess they were relapsing.
I asked her how things could change for her so fast and she listed a million and one reasons from me not liking things she did to not being around her family and friends enough and the list goes on. I asked her tonight what she specifically meant and she said she could not talke about it at the moment. I told her I understood and asked her to think about it and let me know if she chose to do so for clarity and peace for my sake. She said there was no thoughts to give about and she was hanging out with a new guy now and to stop texting and talking to her.
There were "no thoughts to give about"... . but I think she gave the most telling information: "she was hanging out with a new guy now... . " And most importantly, she asked that you stop engaging her... . probably because your questions might dampen her disordered thinking.
I told her she would not hear from me again and deleted her number which was a hard thing for me to do but liberating at the same time. 5 Hours later she said that she will always care about me and love me but not in the way it was saying she felt it was just gone. HOW IS THAT NORMAL?
It is normal if you assume that she is no where near recovered and your action of telling her she would not hear from you again and deleting her number was interpreted as an act of abandonment. Of course she has to rope you back in, because she cannot be abandoned. She can only be the one who abandons. She has to leave you. You cannot leave her. This is a normal dynamic for someone who has BPD.
I guess I am just looking for answers I will never find and am curious to how some of you coped and got on with your lives. Please do not bash her or me.
I think it is reasonable to look for answers. I think your best answers will be found from just examining her actions and to disregard her words. I hope I do not bash her (or you) but I do feel disappointed in her actions -- I would have hoped that she persisted in her efforts in recovery (i.e., the DBT) but I now suspect that she has given up (perhaps temporarily) on that endeavor.
i have seen threads on here where the person with BPD is called every name under the sun and the person staying with them is called equal things for staying with them. I will go into more detail and edit this as need be but that sums it up for the most part. Tank You
To stay in a BPD relationship is a choice I can accept of another (who I am to know what is best for anyone save myself). It is a choice that I would not choose for myself, but if it is one that I felt was making another person unhappy, I would tell them so if I cared about them.
I hope you find that answers you are looking for. :)on't forget to spend at least as much time taking care of yourself as you might trying to understand her actions and words.
Best wishes, Schwing
