Working on improving myself

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Also... .  

How would you all deal with hearing changes to their abuse stories?  How would you go about approaching your partner about this, or would you just leave?

I have unfortunately been out with two women now who have distorted history.  This is why I need advice.

My first ex lied excessively about her sexual history to try to "appeal" to me and seem adventurous. My recent exBPD was always the victim of some abuse/assault/stalking/harassment etc. And her stories didn't add up. Now I find out she lied about a stalker. And has made me out to be a harasser.

As I mentioned earlier... ,my recent ex was always trash talking her exes. Her first girlfriend was "frigid" and she'd tell me that it got so bad she was "climbing the walls" she was so unsatisfied with her. They had to go to couples counselling because the girlfriend had been frigid for 6 months.

Fast forward 2.5 years on...

My ex and I have a big fight... and I stormed out because of her rudeness. She freaks out, has a panic attack and then tells me she was almost raped by this same frigid ex. She also told me she had to go to counselling ALONE.  Whereas for 2.5 years she told me they went together?

Then later she told me how this same ex 'forced' herself on her and even public displays of affection. Whereas earlier she was portrayed as the distant frigid ex.

I felt so confused at the time I didn't think to ask HUH! How can she now be a potential rapist?

And why did she tell me everything about herself (oversharing a lot about sexual degrading stuff she had endured) and she tells me 2.5 years into it that she was almost raped?  ARGH


You know what also made me think she was lying about almost being raped?

When she broke up with me (amidst all her projection) she brought up the fight which lead to me storming off and her telling me she was almost raped.

She goes "you were SO disrespectful that night! I had to tell you I was almost raped for you to apologise to me!"

Immediately I thought... what? That sounds like manipulation!

[Diana82]

Also... .  

How would you all deal with hearing changes to their abuse stories?  How would you go about approaching your partner about this, or would you just leave?

I have unfortunately been out with two women now who have distorted history.  This is why I need advice.

My first ex lied excessively about her sexual history to try to "appeal" to me and seem adventurous. My recent exBPD was always the victim of some abuse/assault/stalking/harassment etc. And her stories didn't add up. Now I find out she lied about a stalker. And has made me out to be a harasser.

As I mentioned earlier... ,my recent ex was always trash talking her exes. Her first girlfriend was "frigid" and she'd tell me that it got so bad she was "climbing the walls" she was so unsatisfied with her. They had to go to couples counselling because the girlfriend had been frigid for 6 months.

Fast forward 2.5 years on...

My ex and I have a big fight... and I stormed out because of her rudeness. She freaks out, has a panic attack and then tells me she was almost raped by this same frigid ex. She also told me she had to go to counselling ALONE.  Whereas for 2.5 years she told me they went together?

Then later she told me how this same ex 'forced' herself on her and even public displays of affection. Whereas earlier she was portrayed as the distant frigid ex.

I felt so confused at the time I didn't think to ask HUH! How can she now be a potential rapist?

And why did she tell me everything about herself (oversharing a lot about sexual degrading stuff she had endured) and she tells me 2.5 years into it that she was almost raped?  ARGH


You know what also made me think she was lying about almost being raped?

When she broke up with me (amidst all her projection) she brought up the fight which lead to me storming off and her telling me she was almost raped.

She goes "you were SO disrespectful that night! I had to tell you I was almost raped for you to apologise to me!"

Immediately I thought... what? That sounds like manipulation!

[seeking balance]

Also... .  

How would you all deal with hearing changes to their abuse stories?  How would you go about approaching your partner about this, or would you just leave?

honestly... .  how is anyone here's reaction going help you detach?

she did what she did, you did what you did, the relationship is where it is - how can we help you accept this moment right now and focus on your FEELINGS?

[Diana82]

It's more about trying to get advice on how to deal with these issues- should they present themselves in future relationships.

I have had two women in a row who have been similar. And knowing my luck- I COULD end up with a similar person again.

Instead of attacking my next girlfriend over text message that I find her too inconsistent etc- I'd like to know how to improve myself for future similar situations.

I am able to see fault in my own communication and where I went wrong. I let the red flags fester and rot. I didn't write in a journal... I didn't ask others for advice at the time.

So I'm asking here- what would other nons have done had they heard the same story about your partner's frigid ex... and suddenly that same ex is a rapist/predator? And would your rescuing tendencies come into play or would you have said you didn't understand how it could change?

[seeking balance]

It's more about trying to get advice on how to deal with these issues- should they present themselves in future relationships.

I have had two women in a row who have been similar. And knowing my luck- I COULD end up with a similar person again.

Instead of attacking my next girlfriend over text message that I find her too inconsistent etc- I'd like to know how to improve myself for future similar situations.

I am able to see fault in my own communication and where I went wrong. I let the red flags fester and rot. I didn't write in a journal... I didn't ask others for advice at the time.

So I'm asking here- what would other nons have done had they heard the same story about your partner's frigid ex... and suddenly that same ex is a rapist/predator? And would your rescuing tendencies come into play or would you have said you didn't understand how it could change?

This is not the appropriate board for this question... .  probably personal inventory or dating is where this string of questions belongs.

[Surnia]

Diana

I understand your frustration or pain and I am concerned about you. Look at your pattern: Each of you recent posts are mostly about the past. Like others mentioned, your are in a spinning wheel of your own thoughts about your past with your ex.

You have so many posts now, each one stays in the spinning wheel about your ex and you will soon open a new post.

Whats missing: You and your feelings in the present. What about writing a post without anything about your ex? Who are you without her? This is what personal inventory is about.

Suggested reading:    

POLL: Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking - Burns MD