Well... . Happy New Years, All!
An interesting evening if I do say so! I want to write as much as I can recall accurately before my feeble mind goes on the fritz (some times my recall button gets stuck)
We weren't going to go anywhere last night, but ended up deciding at the last minute to join some friends at the brewery for a party. He said he didn't want to stay past midnight so we could make it home before the drunks got out on the road. We got there ahead of our friends which was a bit awkward for us both. I saw someone I knew across the room and waved, but she wasn't with the group of friends we were meeting and happened to be sitting next to my ex-bf's new woman. At any rate, I saw my ex, but ignored him... . he was engaged in conversation anyway and I doubt he saw me. Ordinarily, I'd have cared less about their presence, but I wasn't sure how my BPD would take it since he was already in his insecure mode. I just wanted to have a pleasant evening with friends.
We decided to walk to the bar down the road and visit another friend while waiting for the rest of our party to show up. As we were walking to the door, in comes my old landlord and his wife... . another awkward moment which I knew could have triggered some very bad feelings in my man, but that's another story. We left... . whew!
We met up with the other couple at the bar down the street and spent about half hour there before the 4 of us returned to the brewery. Thankfully, I saw my ex and his party walking down the other side of the street away from the brewery... . and another sigh of relief.
The rest of our party arrived and we began our evening about 9:30pm. We each ordered a beer and all was well. After his 3rd, he gave me the keys (I'm not a big beer drinker so I said I'd be designated driver on the way home) Things were rolling along nicely and he was getting a bit more drunk than I felt comfortable with so I told him that I'd like to leave. He didn't want to go. We had a few uncomfortable moments but I finally told him that I was going to go home because our friends were all coming for brunch around noon (today). He said "you brought me here and I'm staying. I can crash right here on the floor". I said that was fine if that's what he wanted to do. He asked if I was going to pick him up in the morning and I said no I would not and he smiled and sat down with a guitar... . no biggie. I went out back to smoke a cigarette (I know... . bad habit~~don't judge me) and I saw my BPD staggering around. I went back in to look for him, but he wasn't around... . I got a bit nervous. He really doesn't know his way around here. I found him out front and thankfully he agreed to come home with me.
I was on guard because I knew he was in a fragile mood, but the conversation on the ride home was amazing. He often opens up when he's tipsy, but last night he was flat out tanked and I was not wanting to say anything to agitate him so I sat listening. He began the conversation with the fact that he doesn't like people all that much, but more so people don't like him. He had been talking with a guy that owns a recording studio in town, but they were both pretty lit up and my BPD said "I'd love to go talk to him again" I said he should to which he responded "but he wouldn't like me when he's sobered up" I thought that was odd and asked him to elaborate. He said people don't like him and they judge him without even knowing him, but if they would just sit down and talk to him they might like him. Then he went on to say "but most people don't want to have a conversation with me... . they think all kinds of things about me... . people have told me things". Again I asked him to elaborate. He said they think I'm either too smart or too stupid or too snobbish or too this or too that". OK... . I told him that I'd often been mistaken for being snobbish or unapproachable because I was shy and pretty. The mood lightened a bit because he said he was never too pretty
The conversation changed and he began talking about being selfish and how he's always been a selfish btch and people told him he was selfish and... . you get the picture. He then told me a story which I swear I'd never heard from him before, but he swore he told me and said I never listen to him... . I agreed that I could have forgotten and he continued. It was a disjointed story giving me only the beginning and end and then he was agitated that I didn't understand why he was relating that to his selfishness. Again he said that I never listen to him. I told him that he hadn't given me enough information he was miffed. I said that I'd like to understand if he would expand. He tried but again, it was not a complete thought. Some of this I can attribute to alcohol, but he does this when he's stone cold sober too. I told him that I get confused at times because he doesn't complete his thought when he's telling me things and then he said "that's because I never HAVE a complete thought" WOW! He went into some wild tale of the tiniest particle known to man being inside him and that was selfish and that was his core being and that was all there was to him.
Then came the strange part. He's mentioned this several times before, but this time he expanded. He said that he believes that everyone has it in them to be a mass murderer. I said I didn't believe that was necessarily true, but he said emphatically that was so. He said that he knows he has a lot of anger inside, but that isn't how he wants to be. Then he went on to say I had the power to crash the car and kill him, but he didn't think I'd ever do that, but I could if I wanted to. ok... . sure. Then there were some garbled ramblings but he came out of it saying that he could only count on himself and everyone wants to feel safe and secure... . I agreed that I wanted to feel safe and secure as well. He said that I wanted him to provide financial security for me, but I said that wasn't what I wanted a relationship for. It's more emotional security. He then said that he feels safe and secure when he's holding me and I agreed that does make us feel safe and secure, but he said that he can't count on me being there. I asked him where he thought I was going... . he said "I don't know... . anywhere" and I assured him that I wasn't leaving... . we promised each other 40 years and I'd give it to him even if he had to have our taxidermy friend stuff my corpse and sit me in my chair. We both laughed and the conversation ended.
This conversation made me realize just how much pain he's in. He's very aware that he's got issues with anger and he also knows that I neither like nor understand the outbursts and rages (I have been able to express that in a way that he's understood) This conversation (providing he recalls it) has opened a door. My hope is that he walks through it.
Now I've got to get in the kitchen and prepare some food... . I'm sure he'll have a big fat headache when he wakes up! LOL
