How did you leave?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I apologise if this question has already been asked or the issue been addressed elsewhere on the board. i have decided to leave but i just havent physically left my partner. i am just after some practical advice as to how to get from point a to point b.

a little background. I am in a 5 year relationship with my bfwBPD recently diagnosed. Joint finances and assets. He is ambivalent about therapy and I of course can't force the issue. So after careful introspection and a good attempt at boundary setting, detaching with love etc I realise I can't get past a lot of our issues and theres irreparable damage to the relationship. I have tried to discuss the possibility of trial separation ( bad idea) didn't work out too well.

I am leaving.I have planned as much as I can this point. I have supportive friends who have agreed to let me stay at their place. I know what I'll do for money. I also have already decided it will be no contact post. I'm already in counselling trying to work on my own issues.

The thing I'm struggling with is how do I actually leave?

The idea of just walking up to my bf telling him I'm leaving scares me because I fear the backlash, likely rage and probable smear campaign post. Biggest fear is triggering self harming/ suicide attempt. ( I know it won't be my fault but it still scares me )

I have sort of been waiting for the inevitable argument " get out I never want to see you again" moment and then just taking him up on his request. Unfortunately  ( or fortunately) it's been a little while since we had one of those.

I feel dishonest because at this stage I'm going through the motions and he is completely oblivious of my current plan but I have emotionally detached. I am sometimes overwhelmed by feelings of just jumping in the car and driving off. I can't keep the facade going as cracks are already starting to show. I honestly find the idea of kissing him gross and  lets not even talk about sex, I don't really want to spend time together or invest any more time in the relationship.  I know this is bad... .  

I just feel stuck.

I'm interested in tips or suggestions or hearing experiences from those of you who have left, how it actually happened.

[Curvy girl]

I apologise if this question has already been asked or the issue been addressed elsewhere on the board. i have decided to leave but i just havent physically left my partner. i am just after some practical advice as to how to get from point a to point b.

a little background. I am in a 5 year relationship with my bfwBPD recently diagnosed. Joint finances and assets. He is ambivalent about therapy and I of course can't force the issue. So after careful introspection and a good attempt at boundary setting, detaching with love etc I realise I can't get past a lot of our issues and theres irreparable damage to the relationship. I have tried to discuss the possibility of trial separation ( bad idea) didn't work out too well.

I am leaving.I have planned as much as I can this point. I have supportive friends who have agreed to let me stay at their place. I know what I'll do for money. I also have already decided it will be no contact post. I'm already in counselling trying to work on my own issues.

The thing I'm struggling with is how do I actually leave?

The idea of just walking up to my bf telling him I'm leaving scares me because I fear the backlash, likely rage and probable smear campaign post. Biggest fear is triggering self harming/ suicide attempt. ( I know it won't be my fault but it still scares me )

I have sort of been waiting for the inevitable argument " get out I never want to see you again" moment and then just taking him up on his request. Unfortunately  ( or fortunately) it's been a little while since we had one of those.

I feel dishonest because at this stage I'm going through the motions and he is completely oblivious of my current plan but I have emotionally detached. I am sometimes overwhelmed by feelings of just jumping in the car and driving off. I can't keep the facade going as cracks are already starting to show. I honestly find the idea of kissing him gross and  lets not even talk about sex, I don't really want to spend time together or invest any more time in the relationship.  I know this is bad... .  

I just feel stuck.

I'm interested in tips or suggestions or hearing experiences from those of you who have left, how it actually happened.

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

Really depends on your situation. If you feel threatened then I would be careful. If you are just having a hard time with the conversation then you might want ask yourself why. You mention you are in T. It seems like your therapist would have enough information to coach you on best way to handle the situation... .  

[ambi]

I was very scared of what I thought his reaction might be.  I told him that living together was very painful for me and I was quickly losing myself.  I had to leave.  We held each other and cried off and on throughout the day.  The next morning, he got up and acted as if the conversation never happened.   Two weeks later, he seemed downright shocked when I started packing boxes.  We had to go through the "talk" again at that point and I reminded him that I said I was moving out and why.  This time, his reaction was angry with some yelling and a lot of blaming.

The actual ending of the r/s has been much more protracted.  We recycled the r/s a lot, tried marriage counseling and other things to see if there was anything we could salvage or rebuild.  I have a few months wait, but will be divorcing him when state law allows this year.

I don't think anyone can tell you how you, personally, should exit or what your bfwBPD's response will be.  If this is your decision, you'll have to do it in your own way and your own time as well.  What have you been thinking about doing and what has your experience with him been like?

[Curvy girl]

My first instinct was to have " the talk" as you've mentioned. I did it weeks ago, I expressed my own fears and realisations. Initially the goal was to encourage him to seek therapy as I was unwilling to continue the relationship as it was. He plainly said he thought therapy wouldn't help and he had no interest in it. He then very insightfully said he feels as though I would inevitably leave him because his reasoning was I had been " acting funny" and I didn't care about him. He said he didn't get why I thought I had to leave despite my explanations. I then took the opportunity to suggest that since he had identified there was some underlying issues I.e " I didn't care about him" then wouldn't it be wise to separate and figure things out separately and then re evaluate. He became quite angry at this suggestion. Mini rage post, so I just abandoned that idea and didnt push it any further. Mainly due to fear I may trigger him.

I haven't seen my therapist these last few weeks as she is away on holiday. Last we spoke I was undecided, leaning towards leaving she was encouraging boundary setting and we  were exploring some of my other issues.

I guess I just wanted to know if other people were afraid too.

Considering I was only walking on eggshells 8 weeks ago, had little to no boundary setting skills and I still find it hard not to fear his reactions to things, little things, big things. Let alone the suggestion of the ultimate expression of abandonment ... .  leaving.

I know in my head the reasonable answer is no matter what I choose he is responsible for his own actions and if he suicides he does so of his own accord. Knowing this doesn't not in any way shape or form relay my fears.

This is why I thought hearing any one else's experiences in a similar situation would maybe give me some perspective or courage or ... .  anything.

I read a poll on the board that showed most people on this board( who voted) the relationship was ended by the BPD. Is this better? Do those had been thinking about leaving and then found to have been left first wish they had made the first move instead.

Thank you for taking time to reply ambi.

I just feel like if I don't do something soon I may implode.

[Surnia]

Curvy girl

I was soo scared to tell my now ext to move out! I was so sad when I told him I want a divorce!

All couples, are situations are different. My ex never threatens suicide. I think it is never easy. It is aleways a very hard decision.

I read a poll on the board that showed most people on this board( who voted) the relationship was ended by the BPD. Is this better? Do those had been thinking about leaving and then found to have been left first wish they had made the first move instead.

I am glad I mad the step. Before I was daydreaming he would leave. To find out what I want and to realize it was a very important step out of my co-dependency.

[Curvy girl]

The FOG is thick, very thick. I'll just have to wait for my therapist to come back and I will take it up with here.

I can tell him I won't do things for him any more, no issues. ( should have started sooner) I can even tell him I don't to be yelled at, not so much drama either.

The im leaving you conversation however... .  Just makes think back to the night I was sitting across the hospital bed crying my eyes out. I can't go back there again.

Thanks for sharing Surnia and I can't wait until I take a step out of my own co dependency.

[Justadude]

How I left? My ex called the cops on me. I was arrested and charged with DV. There is some embarrassing truth there. I was on a NC for six months. Then limited contact for six months. Then we tried it again recycle. We have a daughter. My dad passed away and I said f it I was too hurt to deal with it. We've been split for a year and a half. We've had numerous tension blow outs and some BPD blow outs. For example if I'm 15 minutes late with our 3 year old because she is 3.

Before all this drama when I broke up with her she threatened suicide, and used sex, and begged me back into her life. I felt awful and obligated to leave her. I felt guilty. Next, I was afraid that I'd be making a mistake. All that uncertainty. It never gets better cause when I was in this mentality I could not get her what I felt was betrayal away from my mind. I was not over it and trying to make things work while I admittedly made things worse. Also, I rushed things so it's all my fault to so e degree.

It really sucks to be in an ambiguous mindset. When I broke up with women in the past there was of course the typical heightened intensity but nothing to this magnitude. She owned my rear.

[charred]

With my exBPDgf we had two breakups, one in 1984 and one last year... she abruptly dumped me in 84, and I returned the favor last year.  I can say having the pwBPD suddenly dump you, when you think things are going pretty well, is the most devastating to you way... .  I was a good ten years getting back to normal, and then ended up getting back with her a second time (divorcing my wife of 20+ yrs... for nothing it turns out). So I clearly was not over her despite more than 20 yrs passing (closer to 30 now).

I divorced and planned on making a life with my pwBPD and   kept coming up. She was horribly insecure, jealous of my exwife and daughter, controlling and when mad an angry B. We had mini breakups/reconciliations, recycled maybe 5-6 times, and agreed we were going to be together, had plans for me to move near her, etc, and she was a no show and was unreachable for about 3 days, so I got a T and decided that was it, and went NC... and it hurt, but a small fraction of being dumped, as I was in control, and it was my decision. Within 3 days she was posting pics of her new guy on FB, so I figure he was already in play while we were together, and she was the same lying, two timing, untrustworthy emotionally stunted person I knew she was.

People with BPD use their craziness to control and lead you in to an abusive relationship, you need to  get control of yourself back, its hard but very worth it.

[Sabine]

Hi Curvy Girl,

It's very hard to do but not impossible. I set boundaries and wouldn't tolerate being around him if he started raging at me, etc. Still I knew I had made a mistake by getting back together with him and I was very disappointed with myself because I now felt so trapped. He came over to my place for my birthday and brought flowers and presents. We hung out for awhile and he decided to 'turn in' at about 9pm leaving me in the living room wide awake and feeling really alone! I went into the bedroom and there he was playing on his cell phone in the dark. I told him I thought he was being inconsiderate and rude and he might as well go home. He started the craziest rage ever, collecting his things, took back all my bday presents, threw the vase of water and flowers at me hard, screaming what an awful horrible person I was... .  

I opened my front door (sopping wet from the flowers), and told him to get out for good, we were done! That was that. I was shaking a little bit but all and all that was the worst of it. I blocked his phone and emails and the rest is history... .  

If trying to have a mature conversation about how I was feeling turned into a rage, that was on him.

[kauaikami]

Hi Curvy Girl... .  I was in very much the same situation.  He still thinks we are together and I just "can't get my ~ together", or else I am "involved with numerous others", Anything Else but the fact that he's abusive, has BPD and other mental health issues, which he too, refuses treatment because it probly won't work (cuz he takes no responsibility and its all my fault anyhow)  I had "the talk" Numerous times... .  we had our days of crying about it, only to have him "forget"... .  or, in other wirds, only to have my thoughts, feelings and needs completely invalidated.  He would come depressed or psychotic or angry, accusing, blaming or pitiful (pathetic), try to guilt me-- Its all manipulation.  I can't tell you what makes one finally just Hop on the bus Gus, make new plans Dan, don't need to be coy Roy, just get yourself Free.  But being grossed out by a kiss is a really good sign that you are just about there.  Stay True to yourself because he sure isn't true to respecting your needs.  Only you will be able to do that.  Quit being so nice.  I ended up a whole nother year and a half of more torture cuz I wanted/needed him to be OK with us not being in a relationship.  He's still not OK with it, never will be so long as I keep catering to his selfishness, his sense of entitlement.  The minute I started setting boundaries, it started coming very abusive.  I let him throw me around 3 times, threaten to kill me about the same number of times---all him reacting, rebelling against my setting boundaries, sticking up for myself... .  me "acting weird". 

You slowly getting your power back, but being Nice about it,  is a recipe for danger if it triggers a fear response in him.

Short and Simple.  If I had it to do it over again... .  that is how I'd do it.  Now he's looking at packed boxes, stewing over that... .  hope he doesn't explode before you implode.  Save yourself... .  and stop the slow torture for both of you.  for whatever this is worth... .  I hope I did not offend you or anyone else.  Its just that your situation is similar to mines and I tried handling it all with kids gloves like you... .  and I'm not so sure its the best way.  He's probly gonna do the smear campaign no matter what cuz the end result... .  your freedom and sanity... .  is gonna be the same, regardless of how you end up there.  Slow boat just means more damage to you.

[Curvy girl]

Thank you all for sharing

Everyone has had different experiences. Wether you were dumped or you left of your own accord bottom line is you're out.

Thank you for the straight talk kauaikami. I needed that.

I need to stop dragging my feet.  Like you said if he smears he smears.  If he self harms he self harms.Whatever he decides to do really is his responsibility ( If I keep saying this to myself I will really start to believe it.)

Watch this space

[gina louise]

curvy girl,

It took me six months to decide, begin boundary setting on his rages-I LEFT his presence, no matter what-and make a safe plan.

Married nearly 2 years. together 4.

He was up and down so many many times in those months. Very erratic and confusing behavior from him. And I was confused as well. I tried to justify staying... .  I loved him, right? We're married.

I had cancer and successful treatment and he still devalued me and discarded the r/s! Violent the whole time.

I had to flee the house after a 3 day up and down rage -fest from my normally high functioning UBPDH.

He would not stop, and the last time I could not collect the dog-who was hiding from his violent yelling. You can bully me but don't EVER scare my doggie!   

I had to stay that night-and left the next day.

He had started the forceful and blaming manipulations to end the marriage months before... .  fights via text from work, seeing a divorce  lawyer, telling me in many ways that he's DONE. Telling me over and over how AWFUL I was in the marriage. To him, I was THE WORST person ever.

His attacks cut me like knives. It was devastating to me. He seemed angry as hell, but  also cold and unaffected. And I hadn't done anything against him!

I don't know if there was someone else... .  but I suspect he was getting positive female attention at work or elsewhere, thus had no use for the housewife/cleaning lady at home. Me.

He didn't want to be the one to file for D-but ultimately he did 3 days after I fled the house!

Now that I am about 7 weeks out... .  I feel relief, peace, I sleep well. I cried my eyes out over my losses the first few weeks. I was mourning. Miserable. It passes.

Curvy girl... .  you have VALUE. You matter. Don't take abuse from someone who appears NOT to care.

They live in the moment and they live within a distorted Reality that you can't fathom.

Do what you need to do, and god bless.

GL

[Cmjo]

Hello Curvy Girl,

Of course it depends on how you feel, until the day you actually "do" it it is difficult to imagine you really will.

About 8 years ago I had a flash of enlightenment that it would be impossible for a relatioonship with him to survive for ever, but it took another 8 years to get the point of new enlightenment of I HAVE TO GET AWAY NOW. I was never quite sure ifnhe really was mentally ill, or, as he would always say, I was the sick one. But it all became clear when he started splitting our children, silent treatment of D10 for more than a week because she had rung me crying saying he was shouting at her, turning S9 into golden boy. Clear as day finally that he was capable of serious abuse.

So clear that it felt easy to pack suitcases, book into an aparthotel, pick the kids up after school and take them there. Personally I could not tell him to his face, because I am scared he would be abusive. I had told him by email a week before that his behaviour was outrageous and I wanted to separate. But he just started behaving worse and raging and telling me to get out. So I did.

[ricky rick]

How did I do it? I told her via text. Didnt give her any more then that. She didnt deserve it. she cheated. Next day went to her house while she was at work and picked my things up, dropped the key on her nightstand and never looked back. Of course her reaction was, ok, if this is what you want then thats your choice. sound familer? that way they arent to blame. I AM! Even if she did cheat. Ugh!