so afraid Im not gonna make it out of this

[dancinginthelight]

so so sorry for always whining on about all this, i have no one to talk to who understands   :'(

I really am scared im going to lose all of my mind, half of it has gone already within the last 9 months :'(

Seeing the ex friend of mine yesterday, thinking of her smirky face, yeah, shes been with my ex bf, 

Bet shes so happy now!

I cant believe she would do such a thing.  I dont want to go out anymore, just want to stay in bed, hide

from the world.  I am a mess, cant do anything right.

No wonder he left me! 

This is eating me up inside, constantly, cant sleep properly, her face, his face, imagining the 2 of them

being sexual! :'(

Oh when will it end. |feel so crap :'(

sorry

[Newton]

dancinginthedark  I am sorry you are having such a rough time of it at the moment   

There is no need to apologise for writing about your pain here... .  you have been through an emotional wringer recently and been treated very poorly by people close to you... .  investing trust in people only to have that trust abused is one of the worst pains... .  

Please remember that this is a safe place... .  a 'family' with common experiences to yours who understand   

It's important to look after yourself... .  after this sort of trauma it's all too easy to have ruminations and grief consume us.  Depression can creep up quickly and then take months or years to shift... .  

Have you considered talking to your GP about how low you are feeling right now?

[dancinginthelight]

Hi Newton

I cant understand, the grief has come back with a vengence since yesterday.  I was

feeling quite positive over the christmas period.  Now its as if ive gone right back to square

one and how the shock hit me of my ex cheating behaviour last year  :'(

I have seen my GP and he offered anti-depressants but I refused, saying that I was not

depressed  :'(.  all i wanted was the panic attacks to go away as they are preventing me

from living and getting out the house.  I feel isolated.  I can have up to 2 days in a week

when I am able to leave the house :'(

I dont understand... .  I never experienced this kind of panic before... .  not even when I was caring

for my d 17 who is BPD, and being on constant suicide watch for her

I was on auto pilot then and didnt have time to think.  \these panic attacks have been seriously impacting

on my life and I just want to get out to take my mind off everything.

I am seeing a T to help try manage this anxiety. Im not on any meds. I asked my GP for something

to calm me down but he declined my request :'(

[Newton]

Im very glad to hear you have a T to help you through this... .  

IMHO though talking therapy isn't going to reduce the immediate anxiety you are feeling right now... .  and it does sound like it is having a major impact on your quality of life... .  

I can appreciate your frustration in dealing with the GP... .  I experienced the same rebuttal when I approached my first GP... .  I was told to "pull myself together"... .  really helpful!    ... .  she even said "Well I don't feel great every day... .  people just get on with it"... .  (I'll hold back from typing what I'm thinking about that particular comment) 

So I discussed it with my T and she suggested I approach my surgery receptionist and request to see a GP who was more experienced with mental health issues... .  thank goodness I did because that doctor immediately asked me to fill out a questionaire... .  recognised how serious my depression/anxiety symptoms were and prescribed an SSRI antidepressant... .  something I should have been on years before... .  

I'm not in any way medically trained, my point is that general practitioners in the UK are just that... .  they have such a wide gamut of patients and conditions to deal with and their training/attitudes towards anxiety and depression can often be quite limited... .  and at times totally outdated.

We also seem to be a fair few years behind our American cousins when it comes to knowledge and distribution of effective meds... .  

I'm concerned for you... .  your symptoms sound like they are really holding you back... .  I think you should approach the surgery again... .  remember, they are there to help YOU... .  

[Seahorse1]

I understand what you are going through... .  Especially the anxiety and panic attacks... .  And also the dr wanting to give you anti depressants and refusing any thing just for the anxiety... .  I got a few Xanax from a friend and they work like a charm... .  I want to strangle my dr for not allowing me these meds which just make me feel normal and calm... .  I just don't understand it... .  

You must keep posting on here if you have no one to talk to... .  I'm afraid of falling into depression too and I know most of it is because the damn anxiety and panic controls my life... .  

And like you I retreat back to my bed... .  

I need to find a job... .  I need to get a life... .  

I hope you are able to get some thing for your anxiety as I'm sure it would make such a difference... .  

Take care,

Seahorse1

[Newton]

... .  just a quick ps/... .  until you can find a GP that will help... .  "Bachs Rescue Remedy" worked really well as a stop gap for anxiety... .  you can get it online, or at a high st pharmacy.

And I guess as "Rescue Remedy" is a trademark and we don't do ads here, I should add that there are also alternative herbal products that are available   

[Rose Tiger]

   I'm a big fan of fish oil tabs, stress B vitamins and inositol vitamins.  All help anxiety a bit.  Are you eating healthy foods and getting enough rest?  Avoid the news.  Take relaxing baths.  Listen to encouraging music.  It can be like feeling a huge open wound, it takes a bit of time to heal and recover.  Burn good smelling candles, buy yourself a flower bunch at the grocery store.  All these are healing things.  I read that ibuprophen can help with the heartache feelings, so I'd pop one of those occasionally.    Think about getting a kitten if you don't have any pets.   

[Seahorse1]

I'm going to give us both a pep talk cus I need it too

From my own experience I know the anxiety is the biggest problem here.

The other day I took half a Xanax and within thirty mins my anxiety was gone... .  

My situation had not changed one bit but I was so relieved that the anxiety had gone... .  

Anxiety destroys your coping skills... .  

For example 30 mins earlier I was in a complete panic about where exbf is and who he's with etc... .  Once I took the Xanax I still wondered those same things but did not have the feelings of panic... .  

The next morning I woke up and my anxiety was back in full force but now I was able to realize that the anxiety is my problem, and with some thing to blame it on was able to get through my day... .  Reminding my self it's the damn anxiety... .  Remember you were calm last night and able to cope... .  

I hope this is making sense... .  

I don't have any more Xanax but remembered I bought a natural supplement called rhodiola. I took one this morning and waiting to see if it helps... .  But just keep reminding my self... .  It's the anxiety and pushing through it... .  

To me anxiety is like trying to drive a car with your foot firmly on the break... .  Your not going any where!

Any way that's my two cents... .  

Also give your self a break... .  Two people have sorely let you down... .  Of course you are hurt... .  It's ok to feel a bit sorry for your self... .  

[Rose Tiger]

Xanax is great, I've tried that too.  Only issue with it, is it stops the anxiety but when it wears off the anxiety is intensified.  Like it stores up and waits.  You may have to ride out heightened anxiety as you wean off.  Alcohol is the same way.  Unfortunately.     Exercise is an anti anxiety tool, get those good endorphins going.    Eat some salmon.  People in netherlands have less depression because of all the fish they eat. 

[Whatwasthat]

Hi Dancing. You've had some very good recommendations here.

I just want to second those who say how natural it is  to have feelings of anxiety when you've been through such tough times.

Two things that help me a bit with anxiety.

1) When you feel able to get out of the house - walking. Somewhere you feel safe and - if possible - that's pretty. The longer the walk the better the effect. Maybe start out for a short time and then try and push it up by five-ten minutes each time you do it. A slowish rhythmic pace works for me. It seems to calm the body a bit.

2) Again - on days when going out seems more possible. Do you know a good reflexologist? It's a technique that helped me work through lots of tough emotions last year. I would talk to the  practitioner first and make sure they seem confident about the emotional as well as physical aspects of the treatment. Be prepared to burst into tears on the couch during the session - if they're good at their job they won't mind at all and will in fact regard it as very positive.

Hoping that the anxiety starts to lessen very soon. WWT.

[Seahorse1]

FYI...

The rhodiola is working... .  Has a bit of an upper effect so would only take in the day time... .  

[dancinginthelight]

Thank you beautiful people for your posts

NEWTOn

I will ring the GP on Monday and hopefully get an appt.  Will see what they say.

SEAHORSE1

I think I need a Job too.  Believe it or not, I was trying to improve Job prospects by

studying for ECDL course early last year just before my r/s ended.  Ive only managed

to get to a few sessions as I do not know how I will be from one day to the next.

Supposed to take an exam at the end of this month.

ROSE TIGER

I still take my vitamins. Appetite comes and goes.  Sleep? Usually I sleep by day and live

by night

Used to take alot of codeine for pain relief but took too much. My body developed an allergic

reaction to it.  Shame as codeine gave me a high and made me happy

Have managed to travel to the shops today.  Then had a panic attack inside and was going

to leave my full trolley and walk out the store.  But managed to push through. So glad to be

home again though.

I hate shopping!

[myself]

Have managed to travel to the shops today.  Then had a panic attack inside and was going

to leave my full trolley and walk out the store.  But managed to push through. So glad to be home again though.

Hi, good, sounds like things are a bit more positive again, please keep up with that. Reading through this thread, I was thinking about how when we push ourselves to do the things that we're uncomfortable with, like going out to the store, each time we do so it gets better. We get more comfortable with the act itself, and more confident in our abilities to follow through. Our self esteem goes up. So I'm glad to read you did so!

Even if it's just a baby step this time, and another next time, eventually you'll be taking huge strides with your head held high. Believe it, you can face anything. I had Chinese food last night and the fortune in my cookie read, "Before you can do something you must first be something." Good reminder of focusing on ourselves first.

[bpdspell]

Dancing,

We're here for you. Keep posting.   Anxiety and PSTD can happen after these breakups. It's imperative that you seek professional counseling. You're emotionally in crisis mode. Your sadness is overwhelming you. I can relate. When things were over with the ex I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I ruminated, hated myself, and wanted more than anything to have him back... .  even though he treated me like disposable trash. You are going through withdrawal. You're addicted to him but try to take care of yourself and post on here so we can support you in your growth and healing. Everything Rose Tiger and myself suggested was awesome. Take it one minute, one hour and one day at a time. Your ex is not the answer to feeling better. You are and you will get through this! Be patiently, loving and kind to yourself... .  I don't care if you have to fake it till you make it... .  it is tough time you are in but just know that it's only temporary.

Spell

[Seahorse1]

I hate shopping too. Have to go today only because I need cat litter... .  !

[Newton]

myself made some great points... .  

Feeling, processing, then acting opposite to our feelings is a cornerstone of quality therapy  

Self soothing and dragging ourselves out of the mire is the key to feeling better... .  that applies to us, as much as it does our SO's... .  

[whatarideout]

I had Chinese food last night and the fortune in my cookie read, "Before you can do something you must first be something."

no way!

i kid you not, last week i opened a fortune cookie that said the same thing word for word.

cue the music to the twilight zone theme song... .  

[dancinginthelight]

 I had Chinese food last night and the fortune in my cookie read, "Before you can do something you must first be something."


Seahorse1

I had 2 chinese meals this week... .  because Im greedy 

Got 2 fortune cookies with my delivery.

first one... .  "The secret of getting ahead is getting started"

Second... .  "You are the person of righteousness and integrity"

[Lady31]

Dancing!

I understand EXACTLY how you feel.  I have struggled with panic disorder/anxiety & phobias off and on in my life since I was in my teens.

A couple of times in my life it was so severe that I had a hard time leaving the house.  I didn't want to wake up, because that horrible feeling would start as soon as my brain turned on.  At times, I would wake up out of a dead sleep with them.

Horrible feelings - unbearable.  I realize that people get anxiety when going through situations like we are having or have had with BPDs, but it is on a whole different level for those who have an anxiety/panic problem.

It is depressing because you start thinking that something is wrong with you, you will never have a normal life, and you are so isolated.  You start to think of how well they are doing, but because of your "issue" you can't even get out to meet new people - much less a new relationship.

In those hardest times - I couldn't even drive down the street.  (Agoraphobia if you know anything about this.)

Anyway - I noticed that the severe episodes/seasons of anxiety were tied to relationship issues for me.  There are different triggers.  So that can explain why other serious life events don't bring on the same anxiety response.

I have also used zanax - but I DO NOT recommend this as the answer.  Ok to use, but be VERY CAREFUL - it is very addicting and popping zanax to numb your feelings isn't really dealing with the core issue - and could become an addiction.

If used as a TOOL - I think it is helpful & healthy.  If used as the answer - can be dangerous.

My relationship with God has really helped me in this area.  I have learned a lot and am still learning about the roots of this problem.  Don't want to push too much spiritual stuff here, feel free to message me if you would like to discuss further. 

A great program - and I mean GREAT - that really helped me was the Midwest Center for Stress & Depression.

https://store.midwestcenter.com/mwc

It's a program you work at home as much as you need to.  They also have a great forum like this one, but for anxiety & depression problems.  AWESOME!

Be encouraged.  There is a way out.  You WILL come out.  This too shall pass, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.  You are not losing your mind.  What you are experiencing is common for the issues you are dealing with.  I thought the same thing about myself - wondering if I would go crazy.  You will NOT.  You are NOT. 

[karhues]

I so know your pain - I was recycled and dumped recently by my ex- husband of 20 years then I gave him a second chance which was a huge mistake.  I have never needed anti-anxiety pills in my life - not when I buried my dad, or my mom or my brother - not when I went thru the painful divorce or for the two mental hospital stays for my bipolar/borderline daughter.  However, after this recent breakup - more like he just walked away and moved right into the next victims home - I am having a very hard time of it and often take a pill to get a grip - the sad thing is its the same pills he takes for his anxiety.  What the hell is that I'm not sure.  I'm back in weekly therapy and my therapist is happy I take the pills when I needs them - she says I've been thru a lot and its no wonder I have anxiety.

I too hate going certain places but I force myself - I am not going to let him steal the joy out of my life as he lays in bed with my replacement - absolutely not.  I need to realize he is very sick and nothing I could do would ever be enough - god knows I've tried.  I will not beg or plea again.  I do force myself to go the gym 4 times a week, I walk my dog and stretch every morning.  I eat well and take my vitamins.  I will not get physically sick from the pain this sick man caused me.  We must make ourselves a priority - god knows they made themselves the most important thing on the planet - didn't they. 

Take care.

[dancinginthelight]

Hi Lady31

Totally agree with your post.  Yes, Ive always kind of lived with being anxious from

childhood.  Didnt help that my step-father was an alcholic.

What makes me angry with myself is, Ive been in 2 other r/s in the past, both in my 20s, im

50 now and both r/s were abusive.  The 1st bf would hit me and threaten to crash the

car when we were both in it. He used to take pot shots at me with his pellet gun while I was

sitting on the sofa. Fortunately it didnt penatrate into my arm and the pellet stuck into the wass

where I was sitting.

2nd r/s, I was raped by him on a few occassions and in my ignorance at the time, thought I could not

report him as he was my partner and father to my 2 kids.  He also would drink every night and sleep

with other women, hit me and throw pepper in my face.

I got my courage and threw him out as I couldnt put up with much more.

I looked after the kids and went to college. I was so happy after I got rid of that one!

My last r/s though? Ive fallen apart.  Cant pick myself up.  He was the complete opposite of what

id normally gone through.  He was a gentleman and treat me so well.  Loving, thoughtful, kind etc,

then the r/s just dissolved before my eyes.

I really could not care less now for another r/s.   Im done in by all the stress.  I just want to be happy

and settled.  To enjoy life again.  But I cant get out of this prison!

[dancinginthelight]

Hi Karhues

Thats what so frustrating.  I want to join the gym, do voluntary work etc.

Im not interested in another r/s.  Just want to be able to live again.

That is the reason I went into Therapy, but I am not happy because all my T

does is explain what a panic attack is and what id does to ones body

I already know all that!  Why doesnt she listen. What is the point of going to see her?

The thought of my ex with someone who was my friend makes it worse.  Could handle it

more if he was with another woman from the other side of the world.

I am afraid to bump into him with her.  I dont know how Id react

[karhues]

dancing in the dark

I went to several therapist before I found a good fit and it does make a big difference.  I look forward to meeting with her weekly and was very blessed that she had room in her schedule to see me after I stopped for 2 years - because I thought I was fine - fine I was not.  As the recycled relationship continued the same behaviors slowly emerged - I knew it but I didn't want to lose him again.  He meant the world to me and I was thrilled to have my family back together no matter how dysfunctional it really was.  I was a fool - he cheated on me from the get go - lied and lied.  Made me feel like I was wrong - it was a complete cycle just like the one that ended our 20 years marriage.  He was my best friend and lover and he just threw me away a second time like I meant nothing.  I will be getting help for a long time to come to deal with this pain.  I have few friends but constantly try to make new ones by going to meetup groups, joining library activities etc.  I will not give up - I want to have a full life - right now I am extremely lonely and confused but I know its a season and it will pass.