Shunning Parent; Is It Technically "NC"

[daughter05]

Since the split in boards, I've been reading both "healing" and "ending" sub-sections, but allowed to post only in "ending" due to moderators' assignment.

I've a shunning uBPD (w/NPD traits) mom and "golden child" NPD sister, and an enabler-enforcer NPD dad.  I've been the family's "scapegoat" since my early childhood, and my parents' disfavored daughter despite my historical dutiful, obedient, and passive demeanor.  My mother has never been loving, nurturing, or kind towards me, and my father, though aware of this harsh treatment, has never intervened because he wants "peace in the family" no matter the cost.  (He's henpecked, and self-pitying.)

Two years ago, I discovered that my parents had given my sister their expensive 2nd home, when my father showed me that tax bill to mom's visible distress and dismay.  Since then, my mother's demeanor became even more dismissive and withholding, and both my mom and nsis began to actively shun me, making family plans w/o us, spending a great deal of time together in my absence, treating me and my family rudely, etc.  In effect, I was being passively shunned to increasing degrees by both.  My dad, ever the enabler, kept on me to call mom, invite mom, gift to mom, etc.  For that final year, I made all calls, initiated all invitations, purchased all gifts exchanged, etc, all the while realizing something was truly off - more so than in past decades.

After a bad FOO behavior episode in May, I discovered my parents had disowned me for moving my family 20 minutes away (better school services for a special ed child and closer to work) a decade earlier.  This occurred within three months after our move ten years earlier, only one month after my mother accused me of moving "because you think we'll molest your children" - which caused me to take a "time-out" and seek therapy to deal with my parents.  :)espite therapist's strong encouragement to go "no contact", we re-engaged with "limited contact" and "Medium Chill".  No confrontations; just benign tolerance and some basic boundaries, which seemingly fed worsening FOO behavior during the ensuing ten years until this year.

So, in May, after another particularly ugly FOO action, I stopped initiating contacts, w/o confrontation, and neither my mom nor my sister have called me since.  They've excluded us from all FOO events.  My dad's still contacting our kids, after telling me I've "no right to have issues" with their behavior towards me because they're "old people and won't change" and "what mom wants; mom gets".

So it's a fine line whether I'm really "no contact" by self-determination, or actually shunned already and now only acknowledging it rather than "charging the barricade".

I really do feel the "Cinderella" to my mother's and sister's evil stepmother and stepsister routine.  I've consciously reviewed my personal history with the therapist and have not discovered a single legitimate reason for my mistreatment by my parents and sister.  (Therapist is appalled.)  My value to family has always been assessed by what my relative usefulness in therapist's opinion.  Their demeanor towards me hasn't been tempered by concern for my well-being or feelings.

Where do I fit in from herein?    

[P.F.Change]

It sounds like this may be the board for you even if NC wasn't originally your idea. You can always contact a mod if your mother/sister resume contact and you want to post on the other board, or if you feel it is a better fit for your situation.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Invisigirl]

Your situation is similar to mine terms of family dynamics, although your FOO's abusive treatment of you is much more overt than I experienced, and their shunning/neglect more pronounced. So I sort of understand, as best as I can, where you're coming from.

I had the opposite response from my FOO when I went NC, though--they suddenly became stalkerish and wouldn't leave me alone, which really surprised me. But--I'm getting to my point, really --when I was talking to my T about this last week, and we were thinking about whether I can or should still claim the title "daughter," he said something that really resonated: "You have the power to construct your own perception of this relationship [with the FOO]--your mother may always consider herself your mother, but you can decide not to be a daughter, because you have emancipated yourself." His point was, it's really a cognitive re-arranging in your head; doesn't matter who initiated the NC or whether the other person is respecting the decision, and it's about more than just boundaries. It's how you think of yourself, regardless of others' perceptions. If you accept your situation as NC, then that's what it is, even if they started it.

I hope that makes sense. It made more sense when he said it to me, and I think something got lost in translation here--I'm sorry if I muddled things further, but I think you belong where you feel you belong.

[poodlemom]

DO5

I like the idea of no longer considering yourself their daughter, I think I might consider doing that myself! Like my birth mother was just a surrogate who carried me to term. Therefore, since you are not their daughter, your dad should have no further access to your children. It's time to cut these abusive sociopaths out of your life. They sound purposefully mean, spiteful, vengeful, vindictive & cruel. Giving them any amount of access to your kids gives them the opportunity to attempt to alienate you from your own kids. The depth of their cruelty to you is breathtaking! You owe them nothing. I am begging you for the future of your family and your mental well being to sever all contact. It is hurting you and your family even if you are unable to see that on your own. It's harder for you bc you are so close to the situation.

I am just like you in that I am blocked from participating on the healing board even though occasionally I find the need due to still being LC with my sister. Hang in there. I'm rooting for you! Keep posting for validation & support.

Love & hugs... .  

Poodle