Heightened sense of abuse: where does it stem from?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

There is a special set of skills required to have a reasonably stable relationship with a person with BPD.  But it also depends on the severity and the other partners needs.  Some of those staying board skills are SET, DEARMAN, radical acceptance, time outs, self care, and boundaries/values.  These are good skills for any relationship but not really optional for a a relationship with a person with BPD. 

I confronted the contradictions and it was met with hostility.  Unfortunately the nature of the the disorder and often times our own baggage make for a perfect storm.  It's not an easy relationship at all.  It's a high conflict one.

Green Mango: what do you mean by 'our own baggage make for a perfect storm'? I am not saying I don't have baggage or have been a part of the dysfunctional dance, I just really think that in these kind of situations, we non's actually just tries to reason with the BPD (w/NPD traits), and since we don't know about they having BPD it takes some time before it sinks in that reasoning with the BPD (w/NPD traits) is not possible.

[peace]

There is a special set of skills required to have a reasonably stable relationship with a person with BPD.  But it also depends on the severity and the other partners needs.  Some of those staying board skills are SET, DEARMAN, radical acceptance, time outs, self care, and boundaries/values.  These are good skills for any relationship but not really optional for a a relationship with a person with BPD. 

I confronted the contradictions and it was met with hostility.  Unfortunately the nature of the the disorder and often times our own baggage make for a perfect storm.  It's not an easy relationship at all.  It's a high conflict one.

Green Mango: what do you mean by 'our own baggage make for a perfect storm'? I am not saying I don't have baggage or have been a part of the dysfunctional dance, I just really think that in these kind of situations, we non's actually just tries to reason with the BPD (w/NPD traits), and since we don't know about they having BPD it takes some time before it sinks in that reasoning with the BPD (w/NPD traits) is not possible.

[Diana82]

Green mango >

" has an unreasonable, disproportinate reaction reaction to what would be a seemingly normal interaction it can put a person on the back foot"

Agreed! I didn't know why she reacted like this

[Diana82]

Sorry! Another question!

Is biting your head off/being defensive common with BPDs or is it just a symptom of a guilty person?

My ex didn't rage but she did easily snap if you questioned her or sounded jealous or suspicious of her. I always found this odd...

Whenever she was jealous or such... I didn't get angry at her.

[Blazing Star]

I guess I want to know ( in case my next beloved girlfriend is this way) if there is a better approach to take when questioning a partner over inconsistencies?

Diana,

You have obviously gone through a lot with your ex, and the ex before who betrayed you, I feel your pain and your Frustration! It is great you are searching for answers on how to approach things better if there is a next time!

I am wondering how you feel about Your part in the dance that was your relationship?

I strongly believe that if you look at that, and do some deep personal work on it, then things will be very different in your next relationship!

Are you, or have you considered working with a therapist to this end?

Love Blazing Star

[Diana82]

Blazing... .  

I had my faults. And one of them was bottling up my feelings and frustrations.

For some reason my ex had a hold on me and maybe I was too much of a doormat. But there were red flags from the beginning that I chose to toss into the back of my mind.

My ex was a beautiful person and we were very close.

However, stuff just started to not add up. I'd hear new abuse stories or they'd change... she freaked out over arguments... she'd seem easily jealous or misinterpret my words. And she'd bite my head off if i questioned her. Perhaps I was made to feel like a doormat. Yet other times she'd idolise me.

I think I didn't want to deal with another unstable person so I ignored all the flags. All the inconsistencies.

And they festered and festered and one day they all came bursting out in an argument! And I got dumped.

[seeking balance]

Diana,

Have you read the links GM provided on the facts of the disorder?

Radical Acceptance is KEY for us on these facts - they pretty much explain what happen and why in your relationship.

For me, I had to stop ruminating over the conversations of crazy and slow my mind down so I could focus on my own feelings and move forward in life.

Reality is:  you were in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship, my guess is article 9 (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm) applies to where you are right now and there are plenty of workshops here that can help you deal with these.  Or if you read them and still have a specific question start a thread and you will get support.

It is time to slow down all that is going on in your head - look at your own posting patterns... .  several questions without waiting for answers to the original - not a critisism of you... .  just pointing out your head is spinning and until you can control your own impulses it may be hard to hear what is being offered to you as explanations and advice.

I remember when I first read SWOE and then found these boards... .  my head was spinning.  When I slowed down a bit and focused on me and what I was feeling, I was then able to understand the disorder without emotionally getting triggered myself.

Hang in there - keep reading the lessons and articles, when you head starts spinning with questions - try looking at the actual criteria and think about how your question applies - how you can begin to radically accept this as a fact and let it go and focus on your own feelings of grief.

Peace,

SB

[Diana82]

thanks... I have PM'd you.

I just also need to ask here about coming across as being harassing to a BPD and the hostility you receive when you try to reconcile.

I find the most insulting thing my ex did (besides dumping me) is changing her number. :'( :'(  it's probably the most offensive thing for me she could do.

She had dumped me, told me I burnt her and asked me to leave her alone. I tried to call her twice a couple days later and she ignored it.

I got super stressed and put a handwritten letter in her mailbox apologising for our text argument and asking if we can please work it out.

No acknowledgment. Silence.

I tried calling every second day (once max) and emailed her.  I asked for explanation and told her I was really confused as to why she was breaking up with me over the fight. I asked if she could please just tell me if there were other things that made her unhappy... as I couldn't believe it was over after this argument.

She ignored me and changed her number and blocked me on facebook.

In her mind- she most likely thought she doesn't have to give me closure. I 'burnt her' and she didn't have feelings for me (suddenly) and wanted me to leave her alone.

But this seemed too hasty to end a 3 year relationship over.

Do you think what I did above comes across as harassment or stalky behaviour?  ie trying to apologise and seek explanation?

[OTH]

Do you think what I did above comes across as harassment or stalky behaviour?  ie trying to apologise and seek explanation?

I think you were very hurt and sad. I think you really needed to talk to her about the breakup so you could get some understanding of what went wrong. She wasn't capable of doing that for you so you are left twisting in the wind. Hurt, confused, and sometimes angry. Understandable.

[Diana82]

thanks... .  

Did you experience similar hostility from your ex? and were you dumped?

It feels like I cheated or betrayed my ex, judging by her behaviour. This is why I started the thread... because her reaction seems so extreme. I wanted to get an understanding of why they are so easily threatened and are hypersensitive.

I have never heard of someone dumping a partner over an argument (especially after being together for 3 years).

My parents were vouching for us too and kept asking me "this is weird! was there something else wrong? she must have been unhappy with other things?  You don't just dump someone over that argument!"

So I was also encouraged by others to seek explanation.

I never expected her to ignore me. I thought she needed to "cool off" for a couple of days... .  but never expected total silence.

I know writing a letter of apology and putting it in her letterbox seems WAY too desperate now. But I honestly thought I needed to go to such extremes at the time. I had invested a lot in the relationship and wasn't going to give up.

[seeking balance]

thanks... .  

Did you experience similar hostility from your ex? and were you dumped?

It feels like I cheated or betrayed my ex, judging by her behaviour. This is why I started the thread... because her reaction seems so extreme. I wanted to get an understanding of why they are so easily threatened and are hypersensitive.

I have never heard of someone dumping a partner over an argument (especially after being together for 3 years).

My parents were vouching for us too and kept asking me "this is weird! was there something else wrong? she must have been unhappy with other things?  You don't just dump someone over that argument!"

So I was also encouraged by others to seek explanation.

I never expected her to ignore me. I thought she needed to "cool off" for a couple of days... .  but never expected total silence.

I know writing a letter of apology and putting it in her letterbox seems WAY too desperate now. But I honestly thought I needed to go to such extremes at the time. I had invested a lot in the relationship and wasn't going to give up.

You did you best at the moment... .  how long ago did this occur?

[Diana82]

Ok... well it will most likely seem like A LOT of contact. But I was very stressed and I wasn't contacting her daily.

So, she dumped me on a Tuesday and I didn't contact her until Thursday night.

I left her a voice message apologising (I apologised too much on reflection) and said I will give her some time but would really like to talk. I love her etc (I was rather emotional).

She didn't call me back and the following night I ended up going to a restaurant with work, where my ex and I happened to have our first date. It was terrible! I couldn't get out of the work function and had to sit in this restaurant where we had had our first date and she'd dumped me days earlier. It was painful.

I excused myself at one point in this restaurant and tried to dial her again. I missed her so much. She didn't pick up so I left another message saying I miss her and just want to talk this over.

Nothing.

So I started to panic big time. I guess I didn't believe the break up was real... that she could have ended our long term rship after a fight- with no chance to talk it over.

So I discussed it with my family (who were also very surprised at the hasty break up). My dad suggested sending some flowers to her house to apologise for attacking her over text. My Mum thought it was a bad idea and said to write a letter of apology and sincerely ask her to work things through.

So I wrote her a letter... it was heartfelt. I also enclosed her birthday letter that I had written to her already in time for her upcoming birthday.

I put it in her letterbox and sent her a text advising her it was in there. I also said words to the effect of  "I know I deserve a kick up the backside, but I do believe we can work this out. I just want to talk as I feel this is hasty"

No response. 4 days go by and nothing.

I should have given up but I didn't. I called her again... .  no pick up.

Two days later I left her a message saying "please pick up... .  ?"

Nothing.

I then sent a final email hoping she may respond to email... .  but in my email I started to say "I too invested a lot in this relationship... and I feel like I need more explanation. I feel like you put me on a pedastal

and that I have to almost 'pay' for all the hurt others inflict on you. I told her "no relationship is perfect and every couple has their ups and downs and arguments. I believe we are worth fighting for. I can't promise not to stuff up but I can promise to love you and treat you well. Please at least let me know if we have a chance here"

She finally responded 3 days later via text saying  "I thought I made my wishes clear. I do not wish to have any contact on this. I wish you peace and happiness"

I thought it was so cold.  I replied and said "Ok... but I feel I need more explanation from you. Were you unhappy in other ways? I just need to know... We were partners for 3 years and I can't believe you're breaking up with me over this... "

No response.

The next evening I send it to her again saying  "I feel I need more explanation. I invested a lot in us and I thought we were in a loving relationship. You're acting as if I cheated or betrayed you or do something terrible to you"

NO RESPONSE.

Later in the night I got so angry and fed up with being ignored that I shot her an angry text saying  "I challenge you to find a relationship free of hurt. One day you'll realise you have tossed someone who truly cares about you"

Nothing.

So I get ignored for a week again. And I think to myself... ok I am going to give this one last try and I dial her numbe a week later.

But her number has been disconnected.

[Diana82]

On reflection, I know I should have only called twice max and maybe not even bothered giving her a letter.

I broke every rule in the book and came across as desperate. But... I was.

I have never acted like this before... pleading with someone for explanation.

Because nobody has ended a friendship, let alone a relationship with no negotiation or talking things through. Followed by total silent treatment.

Even those I have upset... have been able to come around and talk it over.

I even asked my ex "what will it take to for you to forgive me?"

and she said "it's not about forgiveness"

But it is, surely. She was "burnt" and couldn't look past what I said to her.

[seeking balance]

Specifically, when did these events take place?

Mid-October, for example?

Last week?

[Diana82]

This was late August last year.

Then I had to wait 2 long months to retrieve my belongings I left at her house as she ignored my requests to return them

So I still haven't got all my stuff returned as she has opted to never speak to me again

[seeking balance]

This was late August last year.

Then I had to wait 2 long months to retrieve my belongings I left at her house as she ignored my requests to return them

So I still haven't got all my stuff returned as she has opted to never speak to me again

OK Diana - it is some tough love time.

You are obsessing over someone that ended this relationship and blocked you 4 months ago.  Can you see how this is making you look to her and her circle of friends?  I know it is hard, but you have got to let go - there is nothing you can do now to effect the outcome.

If you want to learn - well focus on learning about yourself.  Frankly, why would you be looking to learn about how to handle another BPD relationship?  Wouldn't you prefer to get healthy yourself so you don't jump back into another dysfunctional relationship?

Regarding your things - is there is something specific you "need" - I mean really need... .  otherwise, let go.  In life we lose things - it is hard, it isn't fair... .  but it is life and it has happened to us all.

How can we help you stop obsessing over your ex and focus on your own emotional well-being?