Stagnating...

[armsreach]

So, I've decided that we will divorce. I actually have been wanting this for a few years. But, kept getting sucked back in by errors in my thinking, FOG and other things.  We separated last year, but remained living together for financial reasons. He manipulated me into agreeing to MC for a second time (the first was a disastrous travesty in which he blamed me for everything and she sided with him on every issue, and allowed him to say VERY mean things to me at our last session before I decided I'd had enough.) Ultimately, he could not keep it together long enough for us to actually go.  Last fall, we had an enormous blowout which was the worst we'd ever had. I decided yet again that I'd had enough, and we would have to figure out how to separate and divorce.

I keep telling myself "this time next year, things will be different." That helps me out a lot when I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I had a consult with a L this week. (It took me until now to get up the nerve to actually call a L) She seems very capable of dealing with my h's behavior and very pragmatic about things. Nothing I said about my h's behavior shocked her in the least. Once I fill out the forms and pay the retainer (which I cannot afford, though it is very reasonable) she can file within a few days and have him served (his possible reaction to this scares the crap out of me!)

For a minute, it all sounded good to me, let's get this ball rolling! However, I am stuck. I can't bring myself to do it. I am sad. Divorce will likely mean financial ruin for us (we are upside down on our house and have a lot of debt from having had a sick child -  he is fine now.) Financial ruin could mean I will lose my job (it is dependent on good credit.) Our finances are not likely to get better in a year or two, so, it's not like putting things off will change that aspect. I don't want our children to live in this situation any longer than they have to. So, why am I so reluctant to just do it? Why do I feel stuck in the mud?  like I want to bury my head under a blanket and hide for a few days.

There are a lot of moments when I like my h, (but no longer feel any love for him) and we agree on most parenting things, but I am often remembering the bad things too, so I know having limited contact with him will be good for me and my healing. I know in my mind that this is the right thing for me and my children, and I am generally a person of action. So, this inaction is really hard to swallow, but I just can only seem to take the smallest of steps with regard to actually leaving the relationship. Anyone else had this happen?

[just me.]

I apologize if this is a frustrating question, but the first thing I am inclined to ask upon reading of your dilemma is this:

Do you believe this person has BPD?  And why do you think so?

Dealing with somebody with a mental illness of course necessitates a TON of consideration regarding staying, loving, committing, etc (especially when there's a child involved).  But without a detailed examination of what is going on in your relationship and what may be wrong with your husband, it seems like it would be irresponsible of people here to encourage you to break up your family.

In a general sense (in a context away from this board), you saying that you like your H, agree on most parenting things, but "don't feel any love for him"... .  that is something that would make me inclined to examine why you don't love him, why you married him in the first place, what your commitment means to you, and what you actually mean when you say "it's the right thing for the children".

Divorce is ugly, heartbreaking, and involves the dismantling of promises upon which people build their lives.  It is also messy, traumatic, and a lifelong experience for your kids.  What exactly makes this the right thing for them?

[armsreach]

Yes, I do believe he has BPD. He meets almost every criteria.

When I say it's best for the children, i mean it's not healthy for them to witness their father degrading/manipulating/lying to their mother. It's best for them to be out of a situation where mom is walking on eggshells all the time, afraid of saying something to piss off dad. They feel the tension in the home. What we have is not a normal relationship, I don't want them growing up thinking this is what they should aspire to. It's also the right thing for me. I cannot continue to live like this, and my kids deserve a mom who is whole, not this broken thing I've become.

I did love him at one point. That love faded out. We've been together a very long time, and a few years ago I started detaching from the relationship, even though I didn't quite realize why at the time. It was to protect myself.

I said there were a lot of moments when I like him. There are also a lot when I don't. There are a lot of times when he's trying to turn things around, to distort the truth, accusing me of cheating on him, etc.

I don't really want encouragement to divorce him. I know it will happen. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this way about moving on, leaving the relationship. This stuck in a quagmire where you know what you have to do, but have trouble with the execution. Some days I feel really alone. I have a couple of friends who understand what I'm going through, but nobody who's been in my shoes.

[Surnia]

armsreach

I feel with you, I hear your fear, about his reactions, about the financial situation. 

Yes, step by step, little steps! Even it is scary and sad, it is a great step to take accountability for your wellbeing and for your kids. You can do it.   

I was so sad when I decided for my divorce. It was the hardest decision in my life so far. I had to do it.


just_me_500

I do not think that a decision for separation or not is dependend on a proper diagnose. It depends on us. When we truly believe that this is not (anymore) the rs we want, when it is unhealthy or full of FOG or completly stuck, than is it time for a change.

[just me.]

just_me_500

I do not think that a decision for separation or not is dependent on a proper diagnose. It depends on us. When we truly believe that this is not (anymore) the rs we want, when it is unhealthy or full of FOG or completly stuck, than is it time for a change.

I agree that a decision to separate or divorce can of course be the right one whether BPD is involved or not.  I would never argue that.

My point was just that in a marriage (especially when there are kids involved), simply suggesting that someone should "trust their feelings and leave" is not always necessarily the best advice... .  either for the person involved or their children.  Many people think they "fall out of love", when the real source of their discontentment may be much more complicated.  I feel asking questions regarding why that person married them, how one defines love and commitment, and many others are relevant in that conversation.

If someone is quite confident their partner has BPD, however, then the discussion of course becomes an entirely different one.  Dealing with someone with mental illness is a distinctly different thing than the majority of divorce cases... .  and I think it should be thought of and treated differently.  Do you not agree?

[armsreach]

Thank you, Surnia

[gina louise]

armsreach,

Financial ruin is not the end of the world. What I mean by that is with the staggering down turn in the economy, bankruptcy is not the disaster it once was thought to be. There may be creative ways for you to restructure your debt and keep your house. (especially with kids involved)

See a financial consultant about bankruptcy and finances/debt restructuring.

You probably have more options than you know of right now.

If you decide to divorce... and I know how scary it is-it may take more than a year or two to recover and address the debt. that's a fact.

YET while you are doing that you will also have a different peace of mind-not having to deal with the exH BPD behaviors as much. Your head will clear of the FOG.

Good luck,

GL

[armsreach]

Thanks, Gina Louise.

I am feeling a lot better today, hoping that trend continues!