Compassion for spouses terrible decisions in divorce

[Maryiscontrary]

My spouse has tragic psychotic issues that extend beyond the attachment disorder.

He has made some very poor tactical decisions with the divorce that basically open himself up to being taken to the cleaners. He fled the state after agreeing in writing to a non contested divorce and division of property. He has pissed the judge off by evading service for 4 months.

He hired a criminal defense attorney with no expertise at all in family law. This guy is just taking his money.

He is 1400 miles away. I have the best, most rabid divorce attorney in this area.

He is floridly psychotic, and he cannot make good decisions. Think of school shootings recently. This is a person in this kind of mental state. Disorganized and raging. He desperately needs to be in a hospital.

I am afraid he will harm me if he comes to town for a hearing. Or damage my property.

I do not want to destroy the man. Just get the property divided like we agreed to and get the divorce. I do not want him destitute, as he destroyed our very nice business together.

My attorney is pissed because of the service dodging and wants to go for his jugular.

Please share your thoughts.

[Rose Tiger]

I do not want to destroy the man. Just get the property divided like we agreed to and get the divorce.

That sounds like a good plan. 

[just me.]

Your situation might be completely different than mine, so I apologize if my comments do not seem to apply.  I have gone through something perhaps *slightly* similar, though, so I would just offer this:

Whatever decision you make to give him a better deal than he might otherwise have gotten, is something that ultimately will not be appreciated, understood, or even recognized.  Even in my divorce, I felt the need to "take care" of my sad and pathetic and lovable ex (that was in the process of ruining my life)... .  and I think I was clinging to some notion that she might actually see the decency in me.  I think I even once thought "She may not have been to realize I was a good person as her husband, but she'll maybe be able to realize I'm a good person as her ex-husband".

Nope.  Doesn't work that way.  She is with another man who is finally "saving" her after all the years of oppression she apparently suffered because of me.  She also complains constantly about the lack of money she gets (because she thinks she deserves more)... .  even though we very clearly discussed the matter and purposefully came to a settlement the lawyers agreed was "beyond fair".

Anyway... .  if his eventual lack of appreciation does not affect your thinking, then go ahead with your plan.  If the idea of him retaining (and enjoying) assets that could have been yours while he tells you hates you, deserved more, and is also with someone else bothers you... .  well... .  then I think you need to examine those emotions and ask yourself your real motivations for wanting to be generous.

[Maryiscontrary]

Just me... .  this is food for thought.

He is on the spiral down. This is not just attachment issues, this is also something else, like early dementia, epilepsy due to a brain injury, stoke,or schizophrenia. He was a world class engineer and factory owner at one time. He, for whatever reason, does not have this ability, and I believe there is a biological base. He will not get a neuro work up, and this is exactly the reason we are divorcing.

That being said, If I take him to the cleaners, and exploit substantial weakness, and hasten destitution... .  knowing what I know... .  I would not feel moral about lthis. There is something, beyond the BPD, that is terribly, terribly wrong neurologically.

I have to put the "suffering animal" out of its misery. I don't need to add torture. I don't need to add games. He cannot form thoughts well enough to make a good legal defense.

Meanwhile, I have the customers, and I am building the business again, even better without him screwing thing up, and it will be even better than before. I have that... .  he does not.

[just me.]

Well, what you describe obviously has many elements that were not present in my case.  I would agree that exploiting someone that is mentally incompetent for assets does not seem particularly moral.  Your situation seems very complicated.

I am interested in further details of your situation, if you don't mind sharing them.  Did he suffer from BPD before his recent spiral down?  When did this all start?  Was your marriage viable before his recent bizarre behavior?  Do you have any evidences to support any specific suspicions as to how his descent may have been triggered?

I also wonder what you anticipate coming of him following the divorce.  What would a fair division of assets provide to somebody in his current state?  Would it allow him to seek proper help?  What would he do?

[marbleloser]

Go for the jugular.You can always losen your grip AFTER the papers are signed.

[DC Daniel]

Go for the jugular. Like you, I felt bad for my ex-BPD spouse and gave her way more than she deserved.

You will regret it one day. You may need it one day.

I'm not saying you should be vindictive. Just let your lawyer do her job to the best of her abilities and take advantage of it.

[BentNotBroken]

Just beware of making too much of his mental issues in front of the judge. A compassionate judge may decide that you are the one that should be responsible for the long term care (ie financial support) of you stb ex -husband, since he is not mentally competent.

[gina louise]

Maryiscontrary,

What I hear is your empathy for a man you were once attached to who has made damaging choices that affected both of you, and the joint business.

I understand completely your unwillingness to be more aggressive in the Divorce, not wishing, as the more stable partner to add insult to his injuries- which right now appear substantial.

My caution to you would be to make sure that the settlement is as equitable as possible... .  but still gives you some edge on potential equity, to continue the business.

Look carefully at what your lawyer says- as they are far more objective than we former r/s partners are in these cases.

and Mary, Good Luck,   

GL

[Maryiscontrary]

Thanks guys.

He had some BPD traits, but over the period of the last year we were together, serious cognitive deterioration that was completely out of character for him gradually became worse and worse.

He would compulsively complain about not having Turkish food in Dallas. He was obsessesed with NYC. He got to where he was making a huge amount of mistakes on orders... .  and he was a world leader in that field. He would complain he was lonely, and refused to go out. He started threatening dissolving the marriage and the business. He started threatening suicide. He would not get important medical checkups, and serious infections ensued.

Finally, he started become extremely verbally abusive, and then he completely split his kitty cat black, screaming that she should give him an eye infection. He did not bathe or change clothes for a week, and looked like a babbling homeless guy. When I begged him to get help, he became violent and knocked lawn furniture into my arm.

He had never been violent before. He completely denied this and started bocoming violent again. He almost sliced up his green card. He put a knife to his throat. And he told everyone that I was the liar.

This is when I had him locked up. He was literally talking in word salad. It was the most heartbreaking experience in my life.

My idiot attorney brother got him out after the hospital served him with papers for a longer committement hearing. He dumped a psychotic man in my lap. And my brother, sensing he screwed up, lied about it.

This effectively destroyed the relationship between us.

It just got worse and worse. Stalking, screws in tires, tail light bashed out. Spiraling performance on jobs. Abusing the cat.

I left after begging him for 4 months to get help. My father, who did not realize the extent of the uncontrolled rages until he saw it, was afraid for my life.


So he is still dysregulated. He has lost control of the business. I took over the customers. He agreed to a divorce, then immediately fled the state and dodged service.

He had no history of this before.

I am still reeling.

[just me.]

Thank you for sharing all of those details.  Your situation sounds quite unique... .  and a real nightmare.

I think that what a few people have suggested here is correct:  Get what you can now, and then after that you can evaluate what sort of emotional and financial obligation you feel towards him.  It sounds to me as though him having his fair share of the money would help him very little at this point.  If you really want to follow through on some sort of attempts to "do the right thing" for him, those assets could probably better serve him under your own rational management.  You could use the money to pay for his mental health expenses, for example, if the possibility for him to get such help ever were to arise.

I hope that this somehow all gets resolved, and things begins to get better soon.

[Maryiscontrary]

Thanks a lot guys. I am pretty screwed up. He refuses all medical care.


But I am trying to stay positive.

But PTSD about says it all. I watched apocalypse now about a month ago, and Martin sheens character literally affected me in the throat and chest. I spend a lot of my days in a 1000 mile stare. But I am building the business back up, and perhaps I can quickly make a couple million an retire a few years.

I have the technology he developed in my head. Watch a john Nash unfold is very difficult to process. I don't have the capability to fully process this now. I have, in my mind, become less empathetic. I may have lost part of my humanity on this one. My husband. My brother.

My brother.  He is just a few notches above my husband. Liar. Made some very bad decisions.