Does your pwBPD seem to try to "verbally trap you" into conversation? Help.

[real lady]

I am living with my uBPDso; he is adamantly AGAINST any counseling, knows that I think that BPD is THE problem with us (him) and knows that the past 15 months that I have lost both parents to death (mom, just 6 months after our reunion and my relocation to his area) and dad just Dec. 1st.

I have been dealing with depression on my own; grief can overtake me for a night and I make no excuses about it... .  I have "dropped hints" and even apologies for "not feeling like cooking", etc... .  asking him if we can order dinner out or pick up a convenience item to take home so I can have a night off. He usually has NO PROBLEM doing this... .  

I have been dealing with grief, depression, fatigue, frustration and emotional pain of living with a uBPDso who has been spending over 12 hrs each day PLAYING A VIDEO game. I ask him if he would "like to see a movie", he dejectedly responds "well, I guess"... .  but shows NO real interest in doing anything with me. I don't ask again and watch a movie if I want to... .  

The question:... .  he sees me, hears me sigh and asks "WHAT IS WRONG with you NOW?"... .  how I wish I could believe that he CARED enough about me to WANT to know and HELP with whatever I was feeling but NO... .  I don't trust that he is able or that he is venturing outside of his narcissistic world to "connect with me" but I feel that it is a TRAP... .  a trap so he can say that I "have blamed him and said that he WAS BAD again"... .  constantly... .  

I responded "The same things, just a little deeper today"... .  I told him that I had a headache and he was trying to blame it "on my ex workplace" which I have not worked for nearly TWO YEARS... .  I told him that I have only been having them for about 2 months (with him of course)... .  He tries to "fight" with me by accusing me of "blaming him"... .  I walk away.

I just can't seem to turn it around and feel that he really does NOT care and I have to ask myself "why should I bother?"... .  At least my answers, demeaning and unwillingness to engage in an "emotional" fight is obvious and though he may "put on the angry face" he is seeming to NOT dyresgulate as fast or far and IF he does, he decelerates more quickly. I am "letting him have time to think about it" rather than excuse or explain myself.

What would YOU do? What have you done in a situation like this and how did it work overall for you? I appreciate your thoughts... .  thanks. 

[Lady31]

real lady,

Mine would say this exact same thing!  "What's wrong NOW?"  Or "What did I do NOW?"

He would say things in a way to condition me or make it look like when I was upset or had a problem there was something wrong with ME.  As though "obviously I was creating problems in the relationship - AGAIN."  Like - *sigh* I have to deal with this from you again?  When I say conditioning - I mean like they set things up in a way and tailor their responses so that over time it appears that you are actually the problem or they use responses to make you not want to bring up issues over time, etc. 

They are VERY good and turning things around.  When they approach things this way it is their way of deflecting the issue back onto you to avoid having to accept any responsibility for what they are doing.

I actually came to a place wiht my BPDh where I wondered if he would even cry if I died.  ?  (I'm NOT suicidal by any means - just wondered if he cares on ANY level.)

Anyway - there is no way around this.  It seems when you learn ways to mirror it back, they have some other response to throw it back on you.  Again, they are VERY good at this.

I started just not asking, doing my own thing and acted completely uninterested in the fact that he was not acting like a loving H.  This ruffled his feathers some - which caused him to offer some things for a little while - but was short lived.

The reality is - you can't MAKE someone healthy and you can't MAKE someone want to be with you, spend time with you, do things for you, care about you.

It shouldn't be this way - but it is with them.  You accept it and fill your own needs or move on.  There is no changing someone.  I was extremely neglected throughout our marriage. 

One time my H came in unexpectedly and I was BAWLING and he heard me and stayed in the living room acting like he didn't hear me so he wouldn't have to comfort me.  A normal spouse who heard their wife bawling would go to see what was wrong.  (I was unaware he was home/in the house until I walked into the living room.)  Then he got up and went to the bedroom without saying a word.  ?

There were so many times and things - all he saw was himself or his own needs.

One time he was out back in his man cave and I texted him about coming in and having sex.  I thought that was a positive text - his response:

"Ok.  What ELSE can I do for YOU?  It's always all about you.  I spend hours breaking my back for this family and all I get are more demands from you.  It will never be enough for you."

?  I text back and said "I thought having sex with my H was a positive thing and would be a stress relief for you.  I'm sorry that you feel that your wife wanting to be intimate and desiring you is somehow a negative thing or demand."

It's sad really - and can really affect your self esteem over time.  I pray you find what you need and realize your value is not based on his disfunction!

[Washisheart]

Sorry about your losses.

I lost my dad in February, and while my uBPDso was great while my father was in the dying process (sick then 6 weeks on life support) he had this crazy idea that once my father died, the grieving would stop, the pain would go away and I would go back to normal. My grieving accompanied by him going through another one if his "spells" (for lack of better words) through me into a deep depression. It took me several months to shake that feeling.

Maybe stop asking him what he wants to do and start doing what you want to do? Go in the other room and put in a movie, act like he isn't even there. You will get to watch your movie without the nawing feeling he would rather be elsewhere. And he will probably be so thrown off by your interest in him, he will follow you in there any way.

Mine always has a lack of interest in what I want to do. But when he does it, always has a good time. It's to the point where I stopped asking. This is what I am doing, you can join me or not. More often than not he does.

[real lady]

Hi   Lady31... .  

I started just not asking, doing my own thing and acted completely uninterested in the fact that he was not acting like a loving H.  This ruffled his feathers some - which caused him to offer some things for a little while - but was short lived.

That is about where I and my uBPDso is at... .  

It shouldn't be this way - but it is with them.  You accept it and fill your own needs or move on.  There is no changing someone.  I was extremely neglected throughout our marriage.

Yes, I have radically accepted that "he is as he is" and change is NOT a promise; heck it probably isn't even a possibility on his part but I CAN CHANGE if I want to, I CAN grow and continue to make MY life better. I am sorry to hear of NEGLECT... .  I think neglect is abuse in the most insidious form. (not to minimize physical or sexual abuse at all... .  it is just do deeply damaging in a different way)

One time my H came in unexpectedly and I was BAWLING and he heard me and stayed in the living room acting like he didn't hear me so he wouldn't have to comfort me.

This is A COMMON response for him. I try NOT to emote anything around him anymore.

A normal spouse who heard their wife bawling would go to see what was wrong.

 EXACTLY. They are NOT normal.

It's sad really - and can really affect your self esteem over time.  I pray you find what you need and realize your value is not based on his disfunction.

I can see, with what you have endured about "offering to spend time with him" and he turns it around as "you are being demanding"? What a putz. I don't offer anymore. I realize that he is less and less interested and "able" to provide for MY needs. His loss.

Sorry about your losses.

Thanks... .  

I lost my dad in February, and while my uBPDso was great while my father was in the dying process (sick then 6 weeks on life support) he had this crazy idea that once my father died, the grieving would stop, the pain would go away and I would go back to normal.

I am sorry for your loss too... .  it has been hard, I lost mom Sept 2011 and I miss her terribly; losing dad "seals" her passing as well as his own... .  Have you thought about grief counseling. I have been in counseling since August... .  it helps. I certainly CANNOT talk to HIM about anything... .  I need someone to "hear me". It has helped me... .  

JUST TODAY, I asked him what he thinks of a woman who was abused by a man, over a LONG period of time and how it changed how she felt about herself, him and relationships in general and he said... .  are you READY FOR THIS? "she should JUST GET OVER IT"... .  well, talk about COMPASSION... .  he doesn't expect himself to "just get over it" when he is hurt by something. Of course, he is the KING of DENIAL also.

My grieving accompanied by him going through another one if his "spells" (for lack of better words) through me into a deep depression. It took me several months to shake that feeling.

I am sorry to hear that; hope you are feeling better; this is where I was in May - November... .  I think I have been feeling better; more confident, resolute and able and willing to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF no matter what he does.

Maybe stop asking him what he wants to do and start doing what you want to do?

Exactly; I sit at my computer while he is on his computer, he tries to talk to me about the tv or his game and I am "in my own world". touche.

Go in the other room and put in a movie, act like he isn't even there. You will get to watch your movie without the gnawing feeling he would rather be elsewhere. And he will probably be so thrown off by your interest in him, he will follow you in there any way.

I go upstairs and watch on the other big screen and get comfy in bed. Went upstairs last night at 7:30 and asleep by 10 p.m... .  nice.

Mine always has a lack of interest in what I want to do.

It hasn't always been that way though, right? At first, he was VERY interested and then became less and less with each "new blame" for how I have messed up his life, blah blah blah... .  we were suckered in for sure.

But when he does it, always has a good time.

I try not to get excited when HE is interested. I give MORE than he does but I don't give as much as I used to.

It's to the point where I stopped asking. This is what I am doing, you can join me or not. More often than not he does.

That's good hon... .  I am glad to hear it but I am dealing with an ADDICTIVE behavior. He has been playing from the time he gets up to the time he goes to bed. Just bought "more time" to play his game so he has averaged 14 hours a day, YES A DAY, since early November. He hates to "have to go out" like today to buy dog food and treats and of course, the GAME STORE to buy "more time" for his game. I might as well be invisible. I still say it is HIS LOSS, much more than it is mine.

HUGS>