How DO I make it stop?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I work with him.  He is dating someone else but continues to "suggest" he is waiting for me (?), continues to accuse ME of being involved with any number of random coworkers (not remotely true), accuses ME of raging at HIM (the most insane thing I've ever heard).

I know NC is the way to go, but it's almost impossible at work.  And I feel trapped at work.  My therapist told me yesterday to stop thinking that way - to know that I am not trapped.  I do know that but yet I still feel it.  My job is very good (albeit very stressful) and I have a huge amount of flexibility (extremely important with a young child).  I don't want to leave.  Often I'd like to leave my position and step down for less stress, but that won't remove me from being in the same location as him.  He sits in very close proximity.  If I don't respond when he accuses me of things OR if he apologizes, he then gets mad and will say things like "oh so that's how you want it?  well buckle up!"   That scares me.  He is capable of almost anything I think.

Short of leaving my job - how do I detach with as minimal damage as possible?

I am already totally damaged.  But yet I still KNOW I will get to the other side.  Scars and all (emotional scars, at least so far). 

I have never before today felt so glad that it's a Friday night and I WON'T have to see him all weekend.  This is a first for me to be so relieved to just be away from him.

A victory in a way for me.

Any suggestions?

[Take2]

I work with him.  He is dating someone else but continues to "suggest" he is waiting for me (?), continues to accuse ME of being involved with any number of random coworkers (not remotely true), accuses ME of raging at HIM (the most insane thing I've ever heard).

I know NC is the way to go, but it's almost impossible at work.  And I feel trapped at work.  My therapist told me yesterday to stop thinking that way - to know that I am not trapped.  I do know that but yet I still feel it.  My job is very good (albeit very stressful) and I have a huge amount of flexibility (extremely important with a young child).  I don't want to leave.  Often I'd like to leave my position and step down for less stress, but that won't remove me from being in the same location as him.  He sits in very close proximity.  If I don't respond when he accuses me of things OR if he apologizes, he then gets mad and will say things like "oh so that's how you want it?  well buckle up!"   That scares me.  He is capable of almost anything I think.

Short of leaving my job - how do I detach with as minimal damage as possible?

I am already totally damaged.  But yet I still KNOW I will get to the other side.  Scars and all (emotional scars, at least so far). 

I have never before today felt so glad that it's a Friday night and I WON'T have to see him all weekend.  This is a first for me to be so relieved to just be away from him.

A victory in a way for me.

Any suggestions?

[seeking balance]

If you don't want to leave your job - what kind of firm boundaries can you set so you don't have informal communication with him?

[jp254958]

Meditation/mindfulness. Learning how to breathe to calm the emotional storms that will arise by interacting with him. It will help you center on the reality that you can learn how to have calmer emotional responses to their insanity, and you can learn how to train your mind to focus on other things vs the sadness/confusion/anger/conflicting emotions that you're feeling.

It will have some help. But the only way to move on is to do just that... .  leave and find a new job when you're able. Wishing you the best!

[bpdspell]

Hey Take 2,

Have you considered going to human resources about his harassment? There are ways you can empower yourself in this experience. You can write down his behavior towards you and pretty much build a case. Or you can make a supervisor aware of how your comfort level is being affected by your ex's intrusive antics.

You don't have to take anything lying down. I'm so glad to read that your in therapy. Your ex  really should be speaking to you at all if you've established firm boundaries. Have you established a NC policy with your ex?

Spell

[Take2]

Thank you guys for your responses... .    no I haven't established no contact yet.  I have had stops and starts but working on it.  I am very obviously easily sucked back in and am able to swallow my pain when I shouldn't. 

My therapist told me to read a book called "I hate you, don't leave me".  Has anyone read that one? 

What can I do?  I can limit my interactions with him that aren't strictly work related.  I haven't done that but believe it is finally time.  I have too many concerns to ever go to HR about him - why?  well for one, the HR person has tried to be his friend clearly multiple times.  She talks to him about personal things, tries to get info about us, etc.  I actually don't trust that HR rep as she's told ME things that I probably shouldn't know about other people.  I am in management so that's likely why but still - I shouldn't be told things either.  So there's that.  Then there is my real fear that if I ever did that to him, he would do everything he could to destroy my life.  I'm not willing to take that risk.

I'll quit before I do that.  But I'm not in a position to quit right now. 

I think the most important thing I can do is learn how to control my reactions.  I am doing everything I can to keep the focus on ME right now.  I wish my therapist could see me weekly - she seems to be so booked that it's every other week - but this is the first time I have actually connected with a therapist so I don't want to walk away from her.  I don't know why - but as easily as I normally connect with people, I have found it difficult to find a therapist I feel like I connect with.  Now that I've found one, I want to stay with her.  I am working out before work and have started meditating as well - and wow it's pretty difficult to center myself.  But I do agree it's probably key for me to be able to center myself and control my own emotions for potential interactions with him.

Thank you... .   

[seeking balance]

Yes, it's a great book.

Other things you can do is educate yourself on the disorder and communication skills.  You are still in a close environment and simple tools may make it easier.

There is a wealth of valid information to read that may help you depersonalize and detach.