Ex called the cops on me.

[sfbayjed]

So heres the story. Since the separation we have been doing phone contact on everyday except exchange days. Wednesdays are the days that the kids exchange from her custody to my custody. So all these months she has never called on wedness day night.  But now all of a sudden weds night i get a bunch of text.  "i want to talk to the kids", ect.  I didnt have my phone with we, I wasnt expecting any calls.    When I saw them I say to the kids "Hey can yu giuys call mom real quick" and I get "but Dad, we saw her this morning, we talk to mom tomorrow"  So, I texted Ex and told her that and that if she really wanted me o have them to call her I will, but I felt it was important to be consistant.  I follwed with "I will leave it up to you Ex-ms Jed, Do you want me to hjave them call you or not?"  She said "No its almost their bedtime, I will call tomorrow"

OK then everything is fine. I take my daughter to see her therapist. She is happy, the kids are in a good mood. Then Ex calls. I had the phone to my daughter, then my daughter starts saying "But, we never call on weds" , "Im sorry" , and I listen and I hear Ex all kind of yelling, real intense and BPD like saying. stuff like 'Why didnt you want to call me last night" "you need to start calling me on wednesdays" and my daughter is clearly stressed and crying. 

I say into the phone "Stop doing that to her" Big mistake.   Ex hangs up. My daughter starts crying "mommy hung up".   Ex calls back and I answer and say that she can talk to the kids but please dont upset them like that. She hangs up again.   So I text her "please call S6" Then she never calls back.

The kids got all up set but calmed down and were more or less content a few minutes later.  I start to write ex an email requesting she talk to me about any change in phone contact instead of using the kids to achieve her objectives.  None of it made sense because I would have had the kids call her if she anted me too.   

I probably shouldnt have inturrupted her phone contact.

So I am almost done with the email and the kids are content and "knock knock knock"  You can tell it's a cop by the knock. frim solid knocks in perfect time.

I answer and say "So whats going on"  The cop says "welfare check" and I say. "Come on in"  They looked around say everything was ok. then I put on the tv for the kids and stepped out front with them.  They told me that ex called and said that I was refusing to let her talk to the kids and that she thought I was abusing the kids. I showed them the text where it says "please call s6"  They gave me the incident number and said I should go get the report. that I need to keep documenting everything and wished me a nice evening.

OK, so I go to the station on Friday to get the report. They said  has to go through the juvy ct judge before it can be released because their are minors involved. 1 to 4 weeks.    The woman at the window then tells me that Ex had been there earlier and was talking to an officer and she gave me a card with his name on it and said he might be calling on me. He never did.  I then asked if they had a copy of the report when I pocket dialed my ex and she called the cops on me. They all almost busted up laughing but were able to contain themselves. They couldnt find the report.   I can only imagine the spetical she made of herself at the station.

She called the next night and talked to the kids and there were no issues.

[Rose1]

Sounds to me like she is winding up to something - take care and engage less. I doubt you talking into the phone made any difference - once it is in their head not much you can do except maybe bring it forward. I would have said the same thing and have on occasion told exBPDh to stop upsetting the kids. Didn't make any difference to exBPDh but my kids felt better that they had someone stand up for them.

Just be really careful - sounds like she is trying to build a case.

Rose

[tog]

Yes, be very, very careful. Once the cops are called the first time, it's ever so much easier to do it again and again and the drama keeps escalating.

[ForeverDad]

For years we've had daily phone contact ordered with calls to be started between 8:00 - 8:30 pm.  Historically I never called on the evenings when he just went to her and she never called on the evenings when he just came to me.  Once I filed for Modification of Parenting Time seeking majority parenting I started getting calls on Wednesday evenings which is the transition day from her to me.  I said, "I just got him, his time with me just started."  My thought was that he had been with her earlier that day.  She just says, all entitled, "I have a right to call!"

It's Trigger Time.   And yes, I've have a few welfare checks too.  

Disclaimer:  The order actually says the parent in possession makes the call for the child, but I did that a few times but she never reciprocated, so I just let her call him, just as I will call him when he's with her.

[Matt]

I'm sorry, but I don't remember the ages of all your kids... .  ?

And the status of your case - are there temporary orders in place?

I would suggest you talk with your attorney about how best to prevent this from happening again.

If you can stop the daily phone calls that might be best, or get the rules very clear - maybe a specific time (like between 6:00 and 6:30) and duration (no more than 10 minutes).

Keep your phone logs - your bill should show all the calls - and find a way to get those texts documented - maybe take photographs of them, or find a way to copy them onto your computer.

It might be good to file a motion to get temporary orders set, so all this stuff will be documented - submit all the evidence of exactly what you've told us - the police incident report, texts, etc. - so it will all be on record, and so your ex will know that when she does this stuff it will be disclosed to the court.

It might even be best to ask the court to reduce Mom's contact with the kids til she gets a diagnosis and treatment.

[Justadude]

i noticed that when i encourage the facilitation of communication when my ex goes out of the norm i treat it with flexibility, but i go through similar events. i rationalized although its an invasion or boundary issue it only takes a few minutes to deal with it and encourage it to the kids. otherwise its just unnecessary BS. it's a craft. they don't lie when they say parents make the best manager/politician dealing with all the everyday people stuff in a family.

sorry about the stress and unnecessary BS. I been there. once my ex said she'd pick up our daughter x time. x time she said she was not going to do it pretty much telling me to do it. I told her our daughter will be spending the night because I'm not going to be hauling her home when you said you would pick her up. transportation is NOT a big deal to me but when she pulls that crap it is annoying. so get this she comes over and barges in our home and is like lets go lets go, while our daughter and I were sitting calmly playing at the table. our daughter was like wth is going on. this is where I asked ex to leave immediately. she left and called the cops. cops came and I showed them the text messages then and it was squashed. my ex was a rager for a few days after that and then blamed me and all this other crap. sucks but it should ease out over time. keep doing what you're doing for the positive of your children, don't quit, and keep up the good work. your kids appreciate it. you'll get through it.

[livednlearned]

It will continue like this.  :'(

My hunch is that it will eventually work in your favor (repeated, documented episodes of your stbxw calling the cops for no reason), but meanwhile, you have to run around and deal with the system.

The goal, like Matt mentioned, is to have a very very tightly scripted schedule for how you two will communicate. If you need help from us here on what to include, let us know. I have a copy of the training manual used by Parent Coordinators that I've posted here before -- it makes you aware of the potential fuzzy areas around communication are likely to occur, and that you need to lock down so things are clear.

It won't stop your ex from messing with you. But it gives 3rd party professionals an opportunity to see who can't stick to the schedule. Having things be super clear is your protection.

My ex agreed to Skype MWF from 6-6:30pm. He is to initiate the call. Then he arranges with S11 that they are going to communicate whenever they wanted. N/BPDx tells the PC and me about this new arrangement. S11 and N/BPDx go freestyle for 7-10 days (with me encouraging S11 to be online MWF at 6pm). Then S11 decided he wanted a little space, and stopped being online so much. Then N/BPDxh sends a long letter to the PC about how I am preventing S11 from being online and alienating him from his dad. Of course, the solution to that problem (if it were true) would be an agreement that they would Skype at regular times during the week... .  and the crazy carousel goes round.

The thing to remember is that your ex cannot be consistent. You two will agree on things through court documents, and she -- because she cannot regulate her emotions -- will react to isolated incidents one way this time, and another way that time. She will argue for the exact thing she refused at an earlier time. It's hard to see that these awful experienced will work in your favor, but try to remember that as much as you can so you don't wear yourself out.

The courts eventually catch onto the pattern -- make sure you document everything so you can help them with that pattern. One thing I did was to use a Google calendar to record when things happened, short entries to help me remember. It was my "legal"calendar and when it was time for my deposition, I printed it out as a neat timeline of when things happened. "Took S11 to his T." "Talked to teacher about S11's math." "Attended school meeting, N/BPDx was there." "Meeting with L." "N/BPDx scheduled time, did not call S11."

Etc. It's an emotional time and it gets hard to remember what's happening.

Also, once you get down to the nitty gritty of the custody order: courts are familiar with this business of the other parent insisting on communication with the child during time with the custodial parent. They don't like it. She will look like the problem parent for flipping out like she did. Your time is your time.

[Matt]

Also, once you get down to the nitty gritty of the custody order: courts are familiar with this business of the other parent insisting on communication with the child during time with the custodial parent. They don't like it. She will look like the problem parent for flipping out like she did. Your time is your time.

Yes... .  a bunch of calls from the parent the kids aren't with is annoying at least, and can be disruptive.  We have that at times - I think their mom gets lonely - but it's only annoying, not a real problem, so I don't push back much.

If the kids have their own phones, and the freedom to call either parent any time they want, then they can choose.  I tell my kids they can call me any time, but if it's between 8:00 and 5:00 on a weekday I  probably won't pick up;  but if they call twice in a row I'll know it's urgent.  That never happens.  They usually call early in the morning, or in the evening, or on weekends.  I almost never call them - I see them almost every day anyway.

Giving the kids the choice when to call puts them in control and helps them develop their own strength.  Any time we can find a way to let the kids chart their own course and not be jerked around by the adults, it's usually a good thing.

[sfbayjed]

I have a six year old son and a 9 year old daughter.  The current orders are, pending a custody eval, that I am in the house 1/2 the time with the kids and she is in the house 1/2 the time with the kids.   She agreed to that stipulation and 2 weeks later gave our landlord notice of her intent to break the lease in attempt to leave me without a place to stay in the county and thereby get the kids, her lawyer then quit.    We were in coparenting but the therapist has agreed to put sessions on hold until my next court date feb.6th.   So she has been unable to harass me through co-parenting.   She obviously doesnt care about the kids well being at all, anything to get to me.    cause a bunch of drama, have the cops show up.  yeah way to go mom. 

the family court mediators report says that I am the more credible reporter and pretty much implies that she makes things up.  I think her credibility is shot already. She is still dangerous though.  I am audio recording and video recording at exchanges now. 

The police never called me about the incident.  I can only imagine her bringing the court order down to the station and showing it to  them trying to get me in trouble. The current order has her ordered to anger management classes and it says right on there that if there is a not custody eval that the kids are to be with me the majority of the time.  That and the fact that I showed the cops the text that night of me asking her to call my son back and that the cops said "we can see the kids are fine"  and began to give me advice such as "save your text" , "keep documenting" and "get a copy of the report and give it to your lawyer"  It must have been interesting.  She had to have made a complete fool of herself. I almost with I could have been a fly on the wall for that one. If it wasnt so sad and so hard on the kids, it would be funny.

Over the years she has called the cops on me many dozens of times and threatened to call them 100's of times as a means of power and control.  "I'm callig the cops!, I'm calling the cops!"    I just cant believe if been living like that for so long.  She basicaly screwed up my life in  alot of ways.

The kids are all stressed out my son had a break down and starting saying "I'm so horrible" and it took awhile to sooth aond comfort him, I dont know what they are hearing when I am not there.  I know they are hearing bad things about me and are being told to lie to me. It also seems the kids and being put down too.

I know the kids need both their parents but sometimes I wish someone would put my ex on a slow boat to antartica. Of course there would be a sudden increase in the demand for therapy for the research scientist and penguins shortly after she arrives.  I am sure she would describe the penguins as either all black or all white as well.   

[livednlearned]

If you can have a sense of humor while going through this h@ll, you're going to be ok, sfbayjed 

Once you get some of this initial drama resolved, get the kids in therapy if they aren't already. My son did the "I'm horrible, I'm terrible" stuff too, and getting him into a stable, BPD-free environment, getting myself and him into therapy -- things turned around remarkably well and while he is probably going to be in therapy for a while, I know he's on the road to thriving, instead of coping or surviving.

If you can't afford therapy, read books. Some of what has made the biggest impact on S11 have been things I learned from reading. Therapy is great for kids with BPD parents, but I had to work twice as hard to understand what it meant to raise an emotionally, psychologically healthy child. Therapy alone is not enough. You have to ask yourself what it means to have a solid sense of self. I read the Power of Validation and that worked like a miracle on S11.

He no longer says, "I'm horrible" and a lot of his nervous tics and self-loathing behavior have disappeared. He has better friends now, and can laugh things off that used to make him cry or get angry.

It takes a long time for the court system to see what's going on. It's expensive and tiring, but in the end -- you're the stable parent. They will put 2 and 2 together. Eventually, too, our kids figure it out too and learn how to cope.

LnL

[Matt]

I have a six year old son and a 9 year old daughter.  The current orders are, pending a custody eval, that I am in the house 1/2 the time with the kids and she is in the house 1/2 the time with the kids.   She agreed to that stipulation and 2 weeks later gave our landlord notice of her intent to break the lease in attempt to leave me without a place to stay in the county and thereby get the kids, her lawyer then quit.

Just dealing with this part of it... .  

Can you tell the landlord what is going on, and let him know that you will continue to live there til things are settled... .  if your wife moves out then you'll be there 100% of the time til things are settled?

I think he can't kick you out in this situation.  He would have to go to the court to get you evicted, and if you take the documentation from the family court, I don't think the civil court would evict you, as long as it's a temporary thing.

Also, I think your lawyer could take any documentation you have showing that your wife is trying to disrupt the living situation, and submit it to the court, and ask the family court to stop her from doing that.

It may be good to find a counselor for the kids - spend some time all together with the counselor - that is, you and both kids with the counselor - and then back out and let the counselor have one-on-one time with each kid.  Not a short-term fix - a resource for them long-term.

[ForeverDad]

If she does have a different residence now, then the helicopter parenting (each of you going to the same apartment for your separate times) should end.  The helicoptering was probably ordered only because neither of you had separate permanent residences elsewhere.  If she's moved out, then the circumstances have changed.  Get that fixed in the next hearing.  However, that means your expenses are higher now with you paying the rent there, so she should be paying some of your added expenses, at least temporarily.

That brings up her other changed behaviors such as her working only part time now.  Try to keep her income 'imputed' at her prior level and not her current voluntarily reduced income.  (Beware, she may get her employer to state it was their decision to reduce her hours, not hers.  The timing is suspicious, odds are they won't be able to state that she was one of many people whose hours were involuntarily reduced.)

The timing of her calling the police to do a welfare check is of course suspicious.  She knows she looks bad now and so is trying to make you look as bad as or worse than her.  So predictable.  Though you and I and every one else knows it's her trying to make you look bad, be aware that court may try to turn a blind eye and ignore it.  But still bring it up as an issue.  You need a long list to convince the courts something needs to be done.  If they will listen long enough.

[david]

If she calls you it might be a good idea to record your conversation and make sure you say the time and date. Even if you just record your half of the conversation. She can then say you threatened her etc. and you can play exactly what you said. This would work really well in court. She could be telling her story, under oath, and your atty can keep asking questions to get her to say more. Then you can play exactly what you said. I believe that would be legal in all states since you are not recording what she said.

[Matt]

If she calls you it might be a good idea to record your conversation and make sure you say the time and date. Even if you just record your half of the conversation. She can then say you threatened her etc. and you can play exactly what you said. This would work really well in court. She could be telling her story, under oath, and your atty can keep asking questions to get her to say more. Then you can play exactly what you said. I believe that would be legal in all states since you are not recording what she said.

You can probably find what the law is in your state online, or ask your lawyer.

In many states, it's OK to record the conversation if at least one party (you) knows it is being recorded.

I was told that such recordings - though legal in my state - are frowned upon by the courts, unless there is something very big.  But as David says, if she gets on the stand and stands by her accusations, and then you can show she is lying, that could be big.

But... .  in my state, there are no surprise witnesses or exhibits.  All evidence has to be submitted in advance of the trial, and both sides get copies.

So there is only one way to do what David suggests, and that is depositions.  You file a motion to depose the other party - it's likely they will respond in kind - and your lawyer can ask her anything relevant, under oath.  Then later the evidence can be submitted to the court, before the trial.  The other lawyer will see that her client has lied under oath, and will be ethically obligated to advise settling rather than putting her client at risk of being charged criminally with lying under oath.

[marbleloser]

I agree with Matt.In my case,things changed drastically after the deposition.Her attorney saw the lies she'd been telling him. She's trying to cover her arse now.

I keep a detailed journal,every day.I also photograph text conversations,and the time/date that each text was sent from her and I.And yes,I voice record every time I'm around her and we exchange the kids in a neitral location that has cameras.

I also keep a spreadsheet of times the kids are with me and every receipt. Documentation not only helps you remember things,it's a valuable tool for the court.

All of these add up quickly,so be sure to have an extra hard drive to do backups.I know I wouldn't want to lose this info in case my laptop crashes,so I backup multiple times weekly.I just dump it all to an external drive.