more distortion - can't handle it

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

A new topic. Lately I've been having a tough time. Since my uexBPDgf broke up with me 4 months ago I asked her to leave me alone. She did not. She kept calling - crying - sending text messages - saying I was the one, she was longing for me - etc etc.

I discussed this with a few friends. Since this was a same sex relationship support system is small and they all know each other.

Last few months have been a rollercoaster and I've been discussing this with 2 of my closest friends (let's call them Y and Z). I showed them her text messages (cause I thought sometimes things were too ridiculous)

Lately I got to know that my ex is telling people (especially her new closest friend - let's call her X) I'm stalking her. That I'm the one who has got issues.

So last weekend X went out with Y. This made me very anxious and scared. Since I'm affraid to lose Y as a friend.

So yesterday I noticed a change in Y her behariour, so I asked her, have you been talking to X and are you doubting my story.

She said no - she told me she has been always there for me the last few months and get's sick of standing in between the situation. I kept asking her questions (stupid) but I was really insecure.

Now Y is mad at me and dissapointed that I don't believe her (which I can imagine).

Z sent me a message that it was best to leave Y alone for some time. I didn't sleep because of this the whole night. Sent Y a text message this morning that I understand if she doesn't want to talk to me, that I understand if she is mad, and that she can contact me if she wants to again.

This is so annoying. I did this myself. There is no one to blame exept for me and my own insecurities.

I hate it. What can I do?

[coffees86]

A new topic. Lately I've been having a tough time. Since my uexBPDgf broke up with me 4 months ago I asked her to leave me alone. She did not. She kept calling - crying - sending text messages - saying I was the one, she was longing for me - etc etc.

I discussed this with a few friends. Since this was a same sex relationship support system is small and they all know each other.

Last few months have been a rollercoaster and I've been discussing this with 2 of my closest friends (let's call them Y and Z). I showed them her text messages (cause I thought sometimes things were too ridiculous)

Lately I got to know that my ex is telling people (especially her new closest friend - let's call her X) I'm stalking her. That I'm the one who has got issues.

So last weekend X went out with Y. This made me very anxious and scared. Since I'm affraid to lose Y as a friend.

So yesterday I noticed a change in Y her behariour, so I asked her, have you been talking to X and are you doubting my story.

She said no - she told me she has been always there for me the last few months and get's sick of standing in between the situation. I kept asking her questions (stupid) but I was really insecure.

Now Y is mad at me and dissapointed that I don't believe her (which I can imagine).

Z sent me a message that it was best to leave Y alone for some time. I didn't sleep because of this the whole night. Sent Y a text message this morning that I understand if she doesn't want to talk to me, that I understand if she is mad, and that she can contact me if she wants to again.

This is so annoying. I did this myself. There is no one to blame exept for me and my own insecurities.

I hate it. What can I do?

[jessicapuppy]

No contact is the way to go.  The only way to go!  Change your number, block all possible forms of contact with your ex.  That will send a pretty clear message to your ex and those around you.

JP

X

[Take2]

Coffees86... .    do you have other friends?  that are outside of the social circle you are describing?  I don't think you necessarily need to have support just from those who are also involved in same sex relationships to benefit.  It sounds like you need support (as we all here do) from those who understand how hurtful this disorder is from the non side.  You know that you aren't the one stalking your ex.  You know that you have asked your ex to respect your boundaries.  There are many here who have been smeared by their exBPD r/s - and it so not fair at all.  I am lucky that it hasn't happened to me.  I fear it still can.  I know it has to my ex's exgf's - only in terms of him smearing them to me and telling me how crazy THEY were - and I believed it for a very long time.  Until I began to realize there was a major problem with all of his stories.

Anyway - the point is... .  you have support here... .       Hold your head high and know you are a good person who is not harming anyone.   I know how painful it is to lose a friend.  I am not saying that you are losing Y - but that Y might be withdrawing from you when you truly need support is so hard for you.  I'm so sorry.  You are not alone though... .   

[coffees86]

Thanks for your support! I know all this - i know not to do anything - but it is so hard! I feel so annoyed! And really hoping that y will contact me - hoping she won't believe all the distortion and smearing.

Also really sad to know that my ex really believes this and is absolutely not aware of what she is doing... .  

[OTH]

Might be a good a time to just let this go. I like the advice above. Maybe step outside your comfort zone and do something different. Join a meetup group? Try out a new coffee shop? Pick up a new hobby? Spend extra time at the gym? You are getting caught up in drama (some of your own doing). Break the pattern.

Thanks for your support! I know all this - i know not to do anything - but it is so hard! I feel so annoyed! And really hoping that y will contact me - hoping she won't believe all the distortion and smearing.

Also really sad to know that my ex really believes this and is absolutely not aware of what she is doing... .  

[coffees86]

Yep this time i noticed indeed it was some of my own doing as well! I messed things up! My friends have really been there for me - and now i started to doubt them! Really stupid! I hope she will forgive me! She didn't reply yet on my text - will give it a few days... .  

As for the ex - today i noticed i was more worried about my friendship then her! I think friendship is way more valueble!

I did book a holiday with another friend for half februari! So looking forward to that!

[must move on]

I have felt the things you have mentioned as I was also painted black to every mutual person we had, and they all turned there back on me without any question.

I still get insecure as a result of the whole experience in and out of the relationship. Sometimes I think it may be something to do with the experience of BPD when u r painted black or white... .  just a thought really.

Bring on the holiday btw   

[coffees86]

Of course she is painting me black - that's why she believes it... .  the only thing i don't get is at one hand when she meet me she says i can always call her - but on the other she is saying to friends I'm stalking her... .  this is strange!

So that's almost quite greyish!

The holiday will work out fine!

[coffees86]

Asking for more advice - sorry!

Lately i've been so affraid that people believe her - i think it's so unfair! But the harder i yell that it's not true - the harder she'll hit me!

Haven't heard from my ex in 8 days now... .  wow - that's about the 2nd longest nc! She probably has a new safety net with the flirt and her new friends... .  

The thing i wrote before - i got in a fight with one of my best friends because of this. I doubted whether she talked behind my back! She really supported me, so actually this was unfair from me! I already wrote her a text with apologies - which said she could call me if she wanted to talk. She hasn't so far. I really don't want to lose her as a friend.

I'm thinking of going to her place next week in person with my own made sorry box - just to apologize in person and to talk. The thing is, upcoming weekend there is a party which she'll go to - my ex will go there as well... .  i won't! So scared that they'll talk behind my back.

You think going to y's place and tell sorry in person might make things worse or not?

[Take2]

It's okay if you questioned a friend on if they talked about you behind your back.  You are going through a very hard time.  A friend WILL understand - NOT cut you out.  I don't think that going to apologize in person is wrong, but there is probably a possibility that it could go wrong right?  I don't know anything about that friend - but it seems very questionable why she wouldn't be responding to you.  Is she really a friend?  someone who won't respond?

I know how painful it is when a person you trust totally as a friend is suddenly not the person who you thought they were... .    I think it's worth giving her an in person apology but try not to force it.  YOU deserve support.  Don't let someone else break you down too... .     

[OTH]

I think these ideas are causing you stress and anxiety. Try to stop and change your focus. Take a step back from your worrying about your ex and your friend. Don't think of this as a sprint think of it as a marathon. Show people who you are through your actions. If she is engaging in a smear campaign feeding into that isn't going to help. It keeps her going and puts you on the defensive. This is the Karpman drama triangle. You have moved from the rescuer to the victim. Your ex is now the persecuter. Time to stop the pattern and take the high road. People with BPD can be charming but generally their friendships don't go deep. Take a step back and focus on yourself. Skip the party and do something non stressful. Hang with family. Take a short trip. Go out with friends that aren't close to your ex. Take a long walk in the woods. Emerse yourself in a project or hobby. Start changing your focus. You don't need this. What possible good can come out of defending yourself against a crazy person's accusations?

Asking for more advice - sorry!

Lately i've been so affraid that people believe her - i think it's so unfair! But the harder i yell that it's not true - the harder she'll hit me!

Haven't heard from my ex in 8 days now... .  wow - that's about the 2nd longest nc! She probably has a new safety net with the flirt and her new friends... .  

The thing i wrote before - i got in a fight with one of my best friends because of this. I doubted whether she talked behind my back! She really supported me, so actually this was unfair from me! I already wrote her a text with apologies - which said she could call me if she wanted to talk. She hasn't so far. I really don't want to lose her as a friend.

I'm thinking of going to her place next week in person with my own made sorry box - just to apologize in person and to talk. The thing is, upcoming weekend there is a party which she'll go to - my ex will go there as well... .  i won't! So scared that they'll talk behind my back.

You think going to y's place and tell sorry in person might make things worse or not?

[ambi]

I've had to deal with this and it does feel unfair.  I don't yell that it's not true any more.  It seemed to me that most people really didn't want to be dragged into the middle of things like that.  I just let him say what he wants to say.  Some people believe him and others don't.  Some people make snide comments to me or leave the room when I enter.  But, the more I yelled it wasn't true, the more they believed his stories.  

I figure that eventually, he'll show his a*s.  He can't maintain the facade for very long.  Right now, he's bringing gifts to everyone, offering favors, and telling his sad, but charming story.   I've seen this happen with him in the past.  He cannot sustain any relationsip for very long without burning it down.  I don't have get involved for people to eventually realized they've been used.

If someone says something to me now a days (repeating gossip from him), I look at them and say, "Hmm.  That's interesting."  and then I change the subject.  I'm not engaging in the BPD cycle - not through him and not through a third party.  

[sam-2012]

Hello Coffees86,

    I really feel sorry for what you go through. For almost the most part of the r/s,  my BPDexgf was telling me that her friends did not like me and think that i am the crazy one. I believe that BPDs can play perfectly the victim and convince and manipulate people very easily, hence the smear campain that your ex is performing. Speaking for my self in general and having this as a life theory before the r/s and now, i don't really care what people think or tell behind my back, i expect people (especially close friends) to say what they want to say to me in person. So if i were you in your situation, i would focus on my real friends that are there for me when i need them (and I am there when they need me too) cause these are the relationships that i want to keep life long. As for the party you mention, i wouldn't go tothis party if i were you. I am 3 months NC and still avoid places that i can see my ex and i find it difficult cause we used to hang around on the same places. I see that i get better over time as i maintain NC, so i can say that i believe that this is the best for you.

[must move on]

I think these ideas are causing you stress and anxiety. Try to stop and change your focus. Take a step back from your worrying about your ex and your friend. Don't think of this as a sprint think of it as a marathon. Show people who you are through your actions. If she is engaging in a smear campaign feeding into that isn't going to help. It keeps her going and puts you on the defensive. This is the Karpman drama triangle. You have moved from the rescuer to the victim. Your ex is now the persecuter. Time to stop the pattern and take the high road. People with BPD can be charming but generally their friendships don't go deep. Take a step back and focus on yourself. Skip the party and do something non stressful. Hang with family. Take a short trip. Go out with friends that aren't close to your ex. Take a long walk in the woods. Emerse yourself in a project or hobby. Start changing your focus. You don't need this. What possible good can come out of defending yourself against a crazy person's accusations?

This is great advice and some I will be putting into action thank you. I am suffering as a result of same ___ today and feel so bloody sick with anxiety I sometimes think my ex is trying to drive me under. I also don't get the i hate to everyone who listen to me, but to my face it is I love you and I am here for you etc etc ... .  It is soo messed up I have lost everyone even my family. I can't help but think it must be me when everything else is fading away... .  

Anyone got link to info on karpmen triangle, many thanks

Asking for more advice - sorry!

Lately i've been so affraid that people believe her - i think it's so unfair! But the harder i yell that it's not true - the harder she'll hit me!

Haven't heard from my ex in 8 days now... .  wow - that's about the 2nd longest nc! She probably has a new safety net with the flirt and her new friends... .  

The thing i wrote before - i got in a fight with one of my best friends because of this. I doubted whether she talked behind my back! She really supported me, so actually this was unfair from me! I already wrote her a text with apologies - which said she could call me if she wanted to talk. She hasn't so far. I really don't want to lose her as a friend.

I'm thinking of going to her place next week in person with my own made sorry box - just to apologize in person and to talk. The thing is, upcoming weekend there is a party which she'll go to - my ex will go there as well... .  i won't! So scared that they'll talk behind my back.

You think going to y's place and tell sorry in person might make things worse or not?

[OTH]

Karpman Drama Triangle

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[waitaminute]

Coffee, you can't fix it with words. And if you show up at Y with more explanations, more apologies, more drama. .  You are playing into the accusation of stalking. Let your past ACTIONS as a friend of Y stand on their own merits... .  Giving space to everyone involved.

[must move on]

Thank you OTH

[coffees86]

Thanks for all your comments! My friends apparently do know me... .  I left her alone and now she texted me... .  sunday we are going to talk!

Actually that this happened is good - it shows me i need to relax more - there is nothing i can do to change things! And it shows that i inherited some of the black and white thinking of my ex... .  of course my friends won't immediatly leave normally! Unless i really hurt them in person... .  

[must move on]

this is great news for you 

[coffees86]

Didn't go to the party yesterday! Some of my friends didn't understand - they are affraid I'm hiding... .  I just don't want more drama!

Glad I didn't go! Had a great night yesterday with good conversations with another friend! Still in no contact with the ex which I'm glad for!

Thanks here for all the venting possibilities!

[Take2]

Good for you!   

It's so good to hear you sounding so much stronger than even just a few days ago... .