between a rock and a hard place again.

[Rockylove]

Oh geez... .  I just realized something while reading another post.  The little light just came on in my head!  Bear with me this could get long.

My BPD/bf wants a music room... .  a huge music room.  He wants to set up his humungous speakers, amplifiers, a drum set (which he doesn't own or play) and all the bells and whistles.  He's got 17 instruments in cases that he has not picked up in the time I've known him... .  he has only played one of his acoustic guitars and not daily.  He's written some beautiful songs (which he says are just stupid sappy love songs), but hasn't written in a long time... .  he's got mountains of papers with lyrics though!

He keeps saying that he really WANTS it, but he doesn't deserve it and that it's not practical.  I disagree.  I told him this was probably the last house he would own and he should have it be his haven.  I called a carpenter friend of mine who will give us a huge discount on labor.  He came out and we chatted for a good while and he gave us the estimate.  We can't afford a 500 sf addition.  There is enough money to fix up the rotten bathroom, the kitchen and put in heat/AC.  I can fix the bathroom myself (another long story as to why I've not done so yet)  Aside from building the shed to hold all the crap he will never use (which, by the way, I built with him) and another little room in the basement to hide more of his crap, he's done nothing to improve the integrity of the house.  I could care less, really... .  I use it as is and I'm getting ready to tear out the nasty bathroom at the end of the month and fix the leaks.  He keeps dreaming of his music room so he doesn't want to put the money into the other things until he decides. 

I've encouraged him to build a smaller addition for his music room.  He said that wouldn't work for what he wants to do... .  he wants to have a bunch of people be able to jam like mad~~what people?  All of the friends here (originally my friends, but joint friends now) play acoustic.  I'm not sure where all these musicians will come from, but hey... .  he said all my friends were imaginary, maybe he's got some imaginary friends too (but I didn't say that to him) but I said "if you build it, they will come"  LOL

At any rate... .  he's been down on his musical abilities (and himself) for the past couple of days... .  he's on the "I can't do anything well" kick... .  this happens on and off... .  oddly enough it always seems to coincide with my getting a really good job or recognition for a particularly difficult job (I'm self employed).  I don't want to downplay my enthusiasm for my work, but I also know that it really makes him feel badly that I am accomplished and recognized in my field.  I try to encourage him just to play his music for the pure enjoyment of playing... .  he says he's not really wanting to go out an make a living at it anyway! 

I just am caught between a rock and a hard place on this.  I'm blurting all of this out because I'm frustrated.  I want him to have a space where he feels he can let his emotions out via music... .  I think that's what he's looking to do, but he keeps saying he's not worthy of it!  I'm afraid if he spends the money on the practical thing to do, he'll end up resenting it and be more miserable than he is now!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

I just had a fight yesterday because I told my husband he wanted to buy a bunch of stuff he is never going to use. He wants to have a room full of guitars and a piano and even wants to buy a bigger amp and a microphone. I have never seen him sing when he plays, I'm sure he would also like to have a drum set too. I have let him spend money on guitars that he feels he needs. Really, how many do you need especially when your not doing it professionally. He has told me all about his plans for a massive music room. We don't own our house yet but he already has everything planned out.

My husband can play the guitar and will pick it up everyday (not when he's in a mood though). But how often are you going to use a microphone or a piano, he doesn't know how to play the piano. I try to be supportive only because this is his only hobby and it keeps his mind buisy. That's always a good thing.

[CodependentHusband]

Interesting topic here... .  Your pwBPD's music room and drum sets are my pwBPD's pool. She brings it up every few weeks. She knows that we can't afford it right now... .  yes, maybe it WILL be when all of our kids are in college, taking away part of the reason she wants the pool in the first place, I guess, but that's life. Oh, and if it's not the pool, it's a new car, or all other kinds of expensive things.

Here is what I have done. I listen to her... .  I validate by saying things like, "It would be nice to have a pool. I wish we could get one built tomorrow. It would be great." And after a while, I try to subtly change the subject. I think that this keeps her from feeling like I am just shutting her down. Also, it helps to keep me grounded and in a place closer to the reality that most of the world lives in. You know, if he can afford to build the music room, and it is his house, and it is an impulsive decision on his part to do it instead of something more practical, If it were me, I'd let him do it. We hate to see our pwBPD fail, but sometimes we have to do it. Maybe if he thinks about it some more, he will come to a better decision about it.

If my wife controlled the money in our r/s, I might handle things a little differently. When I say I'd "let him do it," I am making an assumption that it is his house alone and that spending the money or getting a loan won't result in you going without food, or anything like that.

[laelle]

I think thats the reality gap... .  My boyfriend does that sometimes.  He wont make a move because its not what he wants, but what he wants isnt really possible and causes a stalemate.  Kinda like congress 

[Rockylove]

laelle~~touche on the congress comment! LOL  

Code~~the house is his and fortunately I work so I'm not too worried about not eating  The money he has to spend on the house is money he earned and saved before we met... .  nothing to do with me at all.  I could care less what he spends it on.  I sort of think he's trying to fill that hole with the music room.  I think I will stop encouraging it.  I've done all I can do and now the ball is in his court.  Truth is that it would take all the money he has in savings (not his retirement money thankfully) to build the music room he wants, and that would mean waiting another year to get the heat system (we heat solely with wood now)  I'm letting him take charge of the wood stove... .  I don't have the time or energy to do it and I think he's getting tired of it already (no surprise)  I heated with wood for 8 years and that was enough to make me want a few creature comforts in my old age!

I have my studio set up in the smallest room in the house and it doubles as a spare bedroom so I basically have a corner but my work table faces a large window overlooking the landscape... .  I'm content.  But then again, I lived in a 500 sf one room cabin for 2 years... .  I'm easily pleased.  Bigger is not always better

Cloudy Days~~We have 2 pianos, 2 violins (we each have one) I have an antique war drum and a kettle drum (I use these for Iron age reenactments) and he has 5 acoustic guitars, 2 electric guitars, hammer dulcimer, steel pedal guitar, mandolin and a variety of small percussion instruments and flutes.  I just gave my niece my french horn and trumpet for her daughters because I don't play them any more.  He said recently that he wants his music room so he can play all of the instruments, but he may find that he can't and he'll give them away.  Is there really any reason he can't do that BEFORE spending $30,000 on an addition?  Call me crazy, but I think I'd be inclined to look at getting rid of some of the crap before trying to build an addition to house it just to find out that I didn't really want all that crap after all.  

and breathe... .  

[CodependentHusband]

Okay. Good. I thought that was the situation. I definity agree. It does sound like he is trying to fill in a hole with this music room... .  Exact same thing as my wife's pool, which, you know, if she had the money to do it on her own, or with a minimal financial investment on my part, I'd say more power to her!

Now, we both know what is most likely. They get what they want, are stoked for a few months, and BAM! There comes that feeling of emptiness again that they thought was going to be gone after having this intense desire fulfilled. I'm just glad I quit trying to be the one to give my pwBPD those kind of things that are beyond our reach. Makes me a lot less stressed our, and, truth be known, she's not really any more happy or unhappy than she was anyway.

[Rockylove]

CoDe~~I think I've just had an epiphany!  I think he knows that having the music room would put him on the spot!  He isn't likely to do what he says he would do if he had the music room so he's using the lofty dream as an excuse not to.  I truly believe that if he were as passionate about playing as he says he is, than he would play any time all the time and every time in between regardless of whether there was a specific room for him to do it or not! 

I'm thinking out loud here... .  

He mentioned several times about an ex that smashed one of his guitars.  Apparently she said "you love this guitar more than me" and then proceeded to kill it!  LOL  He also mentioned that if he were to have a music room that I'd probably be pissed because he'd always be in it and not paying as much attention to me.  He thought about building a separate building here as a music room, but I told him that I'd rather have it attached to the house so I can hear the music while I'm doing what I'm doing (I'm always doing something)  I want him to do his own thing and I want to be able to do mine, but still stay connected.  Maybe he just wants his man cave.  Who knows... .  he doesn't really say anything all that deep about it.  He isolates himself enough without having a separate building to do it in and if he puts his computer out there (he has downloaded hundreds of CD's on it), he'd only show his face when he comes in to use the bathroom!  Good grief! 

OK... .  Perhaps I'm over thinking this.  Maybe I'm obsessing because he's obsessing.  Grrrrrrrrr!  Perhaps I just need to focus my attention on fixing what I can fix on the house and not think about what whatever he's going to do or not do. 

[waverider]

You are right about the big talk/big dreams not coming to fruition.

If someone is truly serious about being a musician. Playing would come first, a venue would come second. I found out this the hard way by buying too many white elephant toys to enable dreams and encourage an interest other than big talking... complete waste.

Perhaps you could get him Guitar Heros on playstation, or perhaps an "air guitar", dont need a music room for those.

[Rockylove]

LOL  the play station thing would be funny, but very insulting to him.  I know this is something that he has to figure out for himself.  I really want to support him having a hobby other than sitting for hours on end in front of the computer reading football and Syrian news articles... .  it certainly hasn't enhanced his life to do so! 

A few friends suggested getting together here 2x a month to jam... .  just acoustic and he got very excited.  None of them have a music room and none of them care that we don't either... .  they'd just as soon play on the porch than in a studio quality room anyway... .  they are all about just playing for the hell of it.  Perhaps he'll come to appreciate just the music by playing with some humble folks.