he has left - any thoughts on what to expect next?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all

I asked my uBPDh to leave and it has been just over a week since that happened.       Apparantly he didn't want to leave and didn't want the marriage to breakdown though you wouldn't have known that from his behaviour (was still being nasty but wanted to stay?)

he is staying with his parents which I know he will hate (I had spoken with his parents a few days before he finally went and his father was cross with me because he did not want his son back home but he had no choice).  what a pity his family didn't tell me how bad he was before we got married!  I digress...

I am very much at peace and am taking all the steps I think I need to for protection of myself and my son.  I have been to see a solicitor to sort any financial liability there may or may not be.

Im just wandering what to expect next?  is there any predictable behaviour from what has been the unpredictable?

[heavenward]

Hi all

I asked my uBPDh to leave and it has been just over a week since that happened.       Apparantly he didn't want to leave and didn't want the marriage to breakdown though you wouldn't have known that from his behaviour (was still being nasty but wanted to stay?)

he is staying with his parents which I know he will hate (I had spoken with his parents a few days before he finally went and his father was cross with me because he did not want his son back home but he had no choice).  what a pity his family didn't tell me how bad he was before we got married!  I digress...

I am very much at peace and am taking all the steps I think I need to for protection of myself and my son.  I have been to see a solicitor to sort any financial liability there may or may not be.

Im just wandering what to expect next?  is there any predictable behaviour from what has been the unpredictable?

[Lolly]

We are in similar situations, my husband left on 30th Jan, he has been back regularly but will not commit to a time and takes my daughter off and brings her back late (as he knows this will worry me). I am in the UK, not seen a lawyer as yet and this is the next job.

Last night he really lost it when I tried to discuss financial matters with him - said he hated me & was off to hang himself (in front of our 3 year old!) - not heard since and half expecting a police car to pull up at any minute.

I would say keep on doing what you are doing, set boundaries and don't accept verbal abuse. Talk to your friends and the people on this site - I have found it a great comfort. I read the Walking on Eggshells book & that really helped me to understand his disorder.

Like you I was not warned by my husbands large family about his issues - they swept it under the carpet.

My husband is in therapy now and his therapist has warned me it could get worse before it gets better (not sure how). In any case I'm not sure there is any going back for us but I am doing everything I can to protect me and my daughter, emotionally and practically.

Good luck & I am here if you want to talk.

Lolly

[heavenward]

Hi Lolly

I am in the uk also.      This was a second marriage for me and my son is from my first marriage.  uBPDh moved into my home, which I own.   

I have been reading walking on eggshells.  for me I think I did a lot of my grieving in the 21months we were married.  very quickly into it  I felt like I was grieving the loss of my husband because I didn't recognise the person who was now sharing my home.

I went to see a solicitor quickly because H asked me for a lot of money (a lot of money to me anyway) - "payment for him to go" "like a sort of  redundancy"  (I could barely believe what I was hearing when he put it like that)

he had stopped working 6 months after we got married.  couldn't cope and it was making him ill.  so he isn't in a good financial position  but   that was very much his choice.

I am very calm and have a great peace within me and in my home again. 

for the protection of you and your daughter I would recommend you see someone - he will probably not like it  but   go with your head and think of you and your daughter,  peace of mind can help you think more clearly in the long run.

good luck also.

[heavenward]

Hi Lolly - should have also said

my H is also going for therapy.   he has been assessed,   he said he was told after assessment it would probably take at least a year of therapy.

I don't know if there is a way back for us either - I don't know if he will keep going for therapy.  If T works I would think he would finally take responsibility for himself and his behaviour which would at least be one indicator of some sort of change.

we will see... .  

[wowjer]

A constant riddle.

However, try not to feed into the chaos. No need for the verbal battles. I changed my exuBPDw to "do not answer" as her name on my phone. I only answer if any question has to do with my kids and if I do I am str8 to the point.

Stupid idiotic things continue that do involve my kids with lack of parenting skills and it really takes a lot for me NOT to say anything, but I go on with my day. Even when she contacts my friends to hang out (which they don't and they never were her friends) I don't question her.

You can expect any legal issues to be easy one day and the same easy things be totally flip flopped the next. Who knows. Just attempt to stay as level headed as you can. You will be so much happier with yourself if you DON'T get sucked into the crap.

[heavenward]

Hi wowjer

I don't want to get sucked in to it.     

I am trying to remember  that  emotion stops motion.   I need to move on in a way that Im thinking sensibly - I have put my hard hat on!  just in case there is a barage of insults, lies to me and to others. oh and to others about me (he slated his past partners - there was always something wrong with them).   

I hope I keep it on if there is a barage of I love you's and you're wonderfull's. 

as I said in another post I am holding on to the reality that H isn't going to change overnight (he has started T) it will take time (if he sticks with it) and the first and biggest clue to me that T has helped will be H taking responsibility.

keeping a level head!

[Validation78]

Hi All!

I am 2 weeks into my separation from BPDh. I own the house, so he had to leave. I've already been to an attorney, started the paperwork for a dissolution, and watched H move out all of his belongings. Even the ones he didn't really want. I didn't want to give him any excuses to come back for something.

Aside from the day he moved out, we have only communicated via email. I've seen the tone go from cold, to sweet, to angry, to loving to cold again. I expected it all, and made up my mind not to fall prey to the hooks he's thrown out there since day one. I know what it's all about, and I can't bite. I expect that once he accepts that I am really ending this, he will get nasty. I don't respond to the loving talk, the offers to help me with anything. I don't need him, I don't want him in my life anymore. I'm not mad at him, I just know that he cannot be what I need and want. It's never going to change, and if I don't stick to my plan to detach, I will put myself at risk of falling prey to my own hopes and dreams again. Our CT made it perfectly clear to me, he is ill. He won't get better. I will never have the marriage that I hoped for, and is healthy. I don't need to know anymore than that!

So, in answer to your question. You can expect the gamete of emotions. The push-pull. Sweetness to nastiness. Expect it all. Just make up your mind what you want now and in the future, and stick with your plan. Read between the lines, and be very aware of how the disorder made and makes a pwBPD behave in every given situation. Make your choices based on what you want, what is best for you! It's hard to turn away from someone who is being nice, at the moment. It seems contrary to what civil folks do with one another. I want to reach out, respond with my kindness too, however, I know very well how that will be interpreted, and it is not good for me, and probably won't be for you either! It gets easier to stay focused on your needs when you are not exposed to the madness everyday. Stick to conversations about your business together, and that's all. They will be looking for the open door, and if you're sure you want to detach, don't open it more than a crack!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[heavenward]

Hi Val78

thanks for that, Im only just over a week in but like you I own the home and he had to go.

I am very focused on what is right for both me and my son  and will take the advice not to open the door a crack  to stay focused  no matter how much niceness is on offer.    I don't mean that I will be nasty will just stay focused.