One night stand to fight the fleas

[stoic83]

I had a one night stand last night... .  i figured since i was loyal to someone for 4 years that i was in an on-off relationship with and could never heal from because she would show up or i would just read all the BPD literature and try to see it through and didnt violate my own principles because I still loved the BPD ex gf.

This was the only nsa encounter ive ever had and im almost 30. It felt like cheating. Cheating because I actually loved the BPD ex... .  as the FOG list i see how irrational i have been.

In reading the literature on being supportive of a BPD partner i fell short in the end. I just was not emotionally strong enough to handle the vicious things she would say to me... .  and it was less about her words, it was just her attitude towards me... .  

In the 4 years it seems she has been merely stealthier in hiding her dysfunction. I feel terrible for her... .  I am so sad and have lost my faith in humanity.

I agree the one night stand was a bad decision, one guaranteed to make me feel worse. But I feel like ive been castrated and i cant wait 8 months or a year of NC to have sex while I know she has had sex in between all of our breakups and possibly during who knows, who cares at this point? It says nothing about me... .  

I hate reading the sites that tell you that the person cheats on their partner because their partner isn't enough... .  isn't that the stake in the heart at this point.

I remember her telling me "you just aren't enough for me, or you are too much for me" 2 weeks after getting a puppy to take care of and 6 weeks after moving in... .  talking about marriage all the while... .  wanting to make Christmas special plans for me... .  giving me the thoughtful gifts that she got for me before she painted me black, after she painted me black so i could "see how she felt about me way back then when she bought them" (it was like 10-14 days earlier) its so irrational. It feels like I will never be the same... .  

I am so introspective. I just had to go out and hook up with someone else. In the end it was a mixed bag of feelings. On the one hand it immediately difused the notion that my BPD ex was anything less than a MEAN ZOMBIE in bed after the hooking phases and sex bombing that happens during all of our makeups... .  This other woman touched me in a way that i hadnt been touched in a long time and it healed me a little bit.

The flashbacks during sex of the BPD ex had me leaving the bed multiple times. She must have thought I was a freak! All in all I am satisfied with that experience eventhough it was 19 days of NC and Im not going to be over this relationship in a long time.

I have wasted the latter part of my twenties in codependence, anxiety, turmoil, and introspection due to the BPD relationship. Does anybody have any insight for how you look at it so you dont feel like you wasted time and missed opportunities? Other than comparing it to their 20 year stint (Im so sorry but glad you left / are leaving)

I am acting like her right now ("fleas". I think thats why i had the one night stand. Totally out of character. It did make me feel better though, even though it was awkward and I felt very selfish about the whole experience... .  which might be what i needed. To be selfish. To experience selfishness in a situation where nothing bad happened and i was actually rewarded and respected for being selfish and being a man... .  instead of whipped and emasculated felt really good.

Ive really been able to empathize with BPDs... .  due to the resulting ptsd and "fleas" ... .  living in the borderline world... .  I felt like it was meant to be for my BPDex and I to be together.

I really felt like the healthy side of her wanted to be with me. Im not some chump... .  but man do i look like one, feel like one. It was too hard for me to live a normal life and maintain self-awareness and have to act and think differently about her... .  and behave in ways that are unnatural for me to continue a relationship that benefited her more than me... .  

I really love people. I have always been viewed as a negative person for my critical thinking about society... .  always questioning. I am critical of myself and others... .  why did i give her so many free passes for this disorder? It seems like everyone else got the criticism accept her... .  and then when it came out during one of her rages... .  it sounded so mean. Thats what happens when you hold in resentments... .  

Some of the BPD literature seems to tell you to "order them around". I dont want a pet. I wanted my BPD ex to be free... .  but when you live in a mental prison and focused only on 12-step recovery from alcoholism and not cbt/dbt/talk therapy... .  etc. plus medication, etc... .  then I guess you are essentially society's pet.

She doesnt need me... .  plenty of people will help her in the future... .  I couldnt expect her to be faithful to me with all the AA boneheads hitting on her all the time. I dont know for a fact that she cheated, but after knowing her as long as I have I just cant see her being in a high school environment like that promoting any sense of emotional maturity in our relationships, and far too much "tempatation" for a born again christian blah blah blah... .  im judgemental and blah blah.

Religion can be such a cop-out sometimes. During her last episode i told her she was definitely going to hell. I cant believe I said that to her... .  i cant believe the levels i sunk to during the threat/distortion campaign and splitting period this time.

My behavior made it so easy for her to point out to others than I have problems too and it is clear due to subtle mistakes in her family and friends perception of me that they are confused as to my true nature as well... .  

After having a one night stand... .  it was very awkward and painful, but in the end i feel better for being selfish and getting my needs met... .  even if it was not ideal. "Am i BPD?" LOL.

[GreenMango]

None of us here can tell you if you are BPD, NPD, or any other mental illness.  Most of the recommendations when partners come here looking for an armchair diagnosis is we tell them to look at behavior and longstanding patterns.

It may be you are lonely, have some abandonment issues, depression, codependent or the things you listed.  Read enough threads around here and you will notice you aren't the first person to cope with their loss using sex.  Some drink, some work, etc.  Was it a healthy coping strategy ... .  only you can tell us.

Here's the thing we all have our baggage.  It could be traits of BPD or something else.

Knowing that something is off or wrong is a good thing.  Its the yellow at the stop light... .  the caution.  It's the opportunity to address the problem.

It won't help you labeling yourself with our armchair diagnoses, but seeing a therapist will and asking them about your traits can help.  Also working through the problems and feelings as they arise.  Looking for proper support.

This might help a bit explain the disorder, the differences between traits and clinical BPD, and some of the nuances

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63511.0

[TheWind]

the fact that you are here and have a conscience says to me you are not BPD. don't beat yourself up about it. just re-read this one post of yours. It should remind you of the pain this BPD relationship has caused you. you seem to know deep down you are worth more than that. you can look back with very clear hindsight and learn the lessons. you have the rest of your life to be happy, free, and true to yourself. whether your recent decision is good or bad is really up to you and your own value system. if it was in violation of that, then state the truth to yourself (that felt good), and then decide from here on out what you will do. It should only be up to you. I hope this all makes sense. We cannot change our pasts. so just learn from every experience and carve out your own future.

[stoic83]

None of us here can tell you if you are BPD, NPD, or any other mental illness.  Most of the recommendations when partners come here looking for an armchair diagnosis is we tell them to look at behavior and longstanding patterns.

It may be you are lonely, have some abandonment issues, depression, codependent or the things you listed.  Read enough threads around here and you will notice you aren't the first person to cope with their loss using sex.  Some drink, some work, etc.  Was it a healthy coping strategy ... .  only you can tell us.

Here's the thing we all have our baggage.  It could be traits of BPD or something else.

Knowing that something is off or wrong is a good thing.  Its the yellow at the stop light... .  the caution.  It's the opportunity to address the problem.

It won't help you labeling yourself with our armchair diagnoses, but seeing a therapist will and asking them about your traits can help.  Also working through the problems and feelings as they arise.  Looking for proper support.

This might help a bit explain the disorder, the differences between traits and clinical BPD, and some of the nuances

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63511.0

Sorry I was being factitious Ive been through this before and went back in to the relationship a few times. I was joking about having BPD... .  I have been through regular breakups. I dont question my own sanity during those breakups. I can assure you that I have no PD>


I have some codependent and possibly narcissistic tendencies. Ive never looked at sex as a healthy coping mechanism for anything... .  my BPDex uses it as a coping mechanism. I dont enjoy being intimate with strangers... .  (im very sensitive). I just felt like i had to sleep with somebody else because when she comes back around thats one less thing she has power over.

Yes I am lonely... .  but also suffering from depression and nightmares ruminations etc... .  projecting and splitting a little... .  basically acting extremely out of character. However, once you've been through this several times... .  you start to get used to it and more self-aware which i guess will eliminate the unwanted behaviors much sooner this time.\

I was just fascinated at the levels that i have sunk to as a result of this relationship. During her idealization phases I would just start knocking myself off the pedestal immediately... .  I was very conscious of her behaviors and my reactions for a long while... .  but I just snapped Feeling defeated... .  

However, relationships (esp w/ nBPD women) are not like work where the harder you work the more you are rewarded.

They beat you with the carrot and feed you the stick.