Hi Vinnie and
My wife of 20 years is divorcing me. With 5 grown children, grandkids, and an S9 together, we have to have contact almost every day.
In every conversation, text or email, she reminds me that I am to blame for ruining our lives. I hear the same things I've done wrong over and over again.
You need to have contact almost every day but you can require that that contact be limited specifically to discussion about your S9. The minute she deviates from that kind of discussion, you can hang up on her or walk away. Sure she'll be angry, but this can be your requirement. You are under no obligation to be her therapist.
I already struggle with the emotional ache of losing her, low self-esteem, and beating myself up with the question, "What could I have done differently?"
I don't know what you could have done differently, but if she suffers from BPD, chances are the ending of your marriage will be no less difficult as it was to stay with her.
Since I have to communicate with her, how do I protect myself right now? Enduring her hostile and bitter attacks is taking its toll. I have a fear that I am going to succumb to the sadness and anxiety, have a break down, and become non-functional.
You have had 20 years of conditioning, so you are in the habit of "enduring" her hostility and attacks. You are not obligated to tolerate her hostility or attacks in any way. If she cannot communicate with you in a manner that excludes such hostility or personal attacks or any other unpleasant behaviors, then this is her choice, and it should be your choice to *protect yourself* and hang up on her or walk away from her. You are not being rude. You are protecting yourself.
You are in the right place.
Best wishes, Schwing
