First daughter from a BPD trying to heal herself

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

I am almost 37 years old and I am the oldest daughter from a BPD mom. Some things I can remember from my childhood is my mom locked at her room for many days not wanting any disturbance, fighting with every who don't agree with her or may be competence for my father, as collegues or even my grandmother, who I loved, taking pills "trying to commit" suicide and us taking her to emergency, blaming myself on a divorce if I tell my dad she was sheeting on him, listening to her marital problems and advicing her when I was only 15 years old... .  and of course me being treated worse than animal deserves and demanding her to be a normal mother and wife to my dad.

BPD diagnosis was made when she was around my age. More than 20 years have past, she has never had an appropiate treatment and she stills becomes destabalized when she does not get what she wants and this means money, cars, houses, etc, that my father gives her to "stablize" her... .  problems with her never stopped.

Finally I live apart from her... .  but wounds still there and are bleeds every time she destabalized. I have a major depression with 3 major crisis since 2000 I think. I've been treated by 2 psychiatrist, but depression comes back. I think I need a good psycologist experienced with BPD family.

I am beign fearful of maternity and at the same time, we have been trying for years with no luck. I have gained so much weight in the last years and I have no willpower nor motivation to achieve personal objectives as before depression started. I have "blackouts" of past memories and no recent memory at all since the my mother injured me 2 years ago. My life in the last 8 years has been always desorganized and meaningless.

I need help to recover my will, my motivation, my passion and positive thinking in everything I do, as before, and create the family and professional life I always wanted. I have no more time to loose for me and my husband.

Thank you so much for your help.      

[curandome]

Hi,

I am almost 37 years old and I am the oldest daughter from a BPD mom. Some things I can remember from my childhood is my mom locked at her room for many days not wanting any disturbance, fighting with every who don't agree with her or may be competence for my father, as collegues or even my grandmother, who I loved, taking pills "trying to commit" suicide and us taking her to emergency, blaming myself on a divorce if I tell my dad she was sheeting on him, listening to her marital problems and advicing her when I was only 15 years old... .  and of course me being treated worse than animal deserves and demanding her to be a normal mother and wife to my dad.

BPD diagnosis was made when she was around my age. More than 20 years have past, she has never had an appropiate treatment and she stills becomes destabalized when she does not get what she wants and this means money, cars, houses, etc, that my father gives her to "stablize" her... .  problems with her never stopped.

Finally I live apart from her... .  but wounds still there and are bleeds every time she destabalized. I have a major depression with 3 major crisis since 2000 I think. I've been treated by 2 psychiatrist, but depression comes back. I think I need a good psycologist experienced with BPD family.

I am beign fearful of maternity and at the same time, we have been trying for years with no luck. I have gained so much weight in the last years and I have no willpower nor motivation to achieve personal objectives as before depression started. I have "blackouts" of past memories and no recent memory at all since the my mother injured me 2 years ago. My life in the last 8 years has been always desorganized and meaningless.

I need help to recover my will, my motivation, my passion and positive thinking in everything I do, as before, and create the family and professional life I always wanted. I have no more time to loose for me and my husband.

Thank you so much for your help.      

[Surnia]

 

curandome

So sorry to hear about your difficult situation, with major depression and lack of motivation and passion and injured by your mother. 

I am really glad you found us. So many members here went trough similar things in her family and have to deal with it. You will find here a warm support.

Are you sure that the injury is physically treated or are there perhaps after-effects?

Perhaps someone specialized with trauma could be helpful for the psychic side.

Please keep in touch, curandome.

Surnia

[P.F.Change]

 

I have a mother with BPD as well and understand how hard it is. I also dealt with depression for many years. It finally improved when I was ready to see a therapist (psychologist). During therapy I learned about boundaries and started sticking up for myself. It sounds like you endured some abuse from your mother and that is hard to overcome but it can be done. There is always hope. You are here and that is a great first step toward getting better. You seem motivated to make a change in your life. We are here to support you.

You are not alone in being afraid of becoming a mother. Many members have the same fear. But also many have found healing in learning to parent differently than we were parented. At any rate I am sorry you are struggling to conceive. Sometimes stress can be a factor, and having a parent with BPD is definitely stressful. How much contact do you have with your mother right now? Do you think she is giving you stress?

It is important to take care of yourself. Coming here is one way to do that. Also talking with a good counselor and getting exercise can help. Do you also have personal support from friends? How about your husband?

I'm glad you've joined us and hope to hear more from you. Bienvenida!

Wishing you peace,

PF

[BiancaRose]

 , and lots of hugs and support. I know it's not easy.

I've been dealing with depression from my BPD-mom's abuse for almost ten years, and it's finally starting to get better now that I'm starting to be separate from her. Learn anything you can about boundaries! It really helps!

I used to be really terrified that if I became a mom, I would parent the same way I was parented. But what I learned is this: just the fact that I am here, trying to learn more and be healthier than my mom was, already proves I am not like her. If you are asking yourself whether you will be as abusive as your BPD mom was, you can probably be pretty confident you WON'T be.

I recommend this book to everyone I meet who is becoming a parent, but especially to the children of BPD and abuse because it basically teaches how to treat children with respect that we ourselves were never shown. It's called How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I started sneaking into my mom's office to read it when I was 12 - she owned it, but she sure never used it to parent us! - and it was the book that helped me to see that the way I was being treated by my mother was disrespectful and wrong (though it was at least ten to fifteen years more before I was able to call it 'abuse'. It helped me see a different model for how I want to treat my own children. I swear by it.

I've been treated a few times for my depression but the therapists who have helped me most have had a background in abusive families. I also found Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction and mindfulness meditation helpful, and cognitive behavioural therapy has been useful to me in the past as well.

Most of all, you make sure you take good care of yourself. You deserve better than what you got from your mom. We're here to help you learn to give yourself what you really deserve. 

Hope we'll see you around more as you try to get better. Don't give up! We're here for you.

[DogDancer]

BiancaRose and all hi,

Just wanted to say that I am first (and only) daughter of a dxBPD mother, too. I'm along the path to healing -- two years into therapy now. In fact, I'm a little drained in this moment as I just got back from a really good therapy session.

All I'd like to say right now is bravo for being brave, for continuing to work on feeling better, on getting better, on healing. It takes time, doesn't it.

Gentle hugs to anyone here who is feeling a little raw or in need. 

Peace and continued healing,

DogDancer