I am scared...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I left my girlfriend in the end of november last year. Did not know what was wrong. I had a nervous breakdown january last year, and went into a depression. Worked my way out of it by June. At this time we were separated in distance. I stayed at my moms while I fumbled in darkness. At the worst time I had to have NC. She would send me pictures and love emails every now and then. And when I was feeling better I started answering them. We had great contact by the end of our separation. I was still struggling with anxiety attacks and depression. I eventually invited her to come see me and bought plane tickets for her a month ahead. Two weeks before she was to arrive I checked her "find my iphone" a friday night and saw that she spent the night at a mutual friends house. This coincided with a "spiritual" experience that had started on that thursday, a day before this. I freaked out and tried to call her several times, but she never answered. She had always answered my calls before. When she called in the morning she said that the phone was on silence so she hadn't heard my calls. I told her that I had a dream of her being with our mutual friend. I lied. I was to ashamed to admit I had seen it on "find my iphone". Emotional chaos followed that weekend and on sunday I prayed to God.

The following Monday I was canceling a trip that had been organized, but coincidents made it so that I had 10 min to think about it, and a voice inside me said "Just go!" I went on a limb and said yes to that trip. I reached for my tobacco and the voice said "You don't need that anymore!". It was really wierd but I decided to trust it. And did not touch tobacco anymore. No abstineces, no craving, nothing. The same voice came to me the next day and said "Go for a run!" and an image of a route followed that involved some really heavy hills. I just laughed at the idea because when you are depressed everything get physically harder, but I decided to trust the voice and went for it. I made it and was crying of joy, appreciation and pride afterwards. The whole event seemed connected somehow. And I was depressed no more after those days. Her infidelity had triggered events that yanked me out of depression. I don't know what I was thinking but I said to myself that what I saw that friday was a misunderstanding from my part.

She had always said to me that truth was very important to her and that she was not unfaithful. She had started many fights over those issues and "accusing" me for being untruthful and by that consequence unfaithful. She is very high functioning, never saying anything outrageous to me. But she had me on my heels regarding those issues the last 3 1/2 years of our 4 1/2 year long relationship. When she voiced these concernes to me she would start reacting on my reactions to her concern. And the conflict would build on that and change when I said something she "misinterpreted" to be something really horrible. I was always shocked and hurt that she would suspect me of the behaviors she believed I had. The conflicts would just spin my head and I always ended up really angry and confused, in some sort of fog. These fights would last days never really calming down, only when her kids was around she'd but on a mask, but as soon as we were alone again it would continue. I started to doubt myself and walking on eggshells. I spotted some triggers and a pattern of her behavior. The fights happened every three weeks. I started to get really anxious when a trigger would come up, reacting with fear.

Back to her visit. She came and I felt so much love and joy. We got back together and a week afterwards I moved back in with her, feeling very strong. I had "fixed" myself and now everything was going to be alright again, or so I thought... She lasted three weeks and started the same thing now even more concealed. In the fall I started to feel depressed again.

One night we went out, I really feared this because it had gone to hell so many times when we went out. A former flirt approached me in front of my girlfriend and took me to the side to ask me why I did not speak to her. I "knew" this was a major trigger and freaked out inside, then I told her the truth and said it was going to be hell at home afterwards, just to get rid of her. When I turned around to look for my girlfriend she was not there any more. I started looking for her and found her laughing with our "mutual friend". That was the moment I knew the truth about the "find my phone". I said to her that I wanted to leave the place and she followed. On the way home we started arguing and I flipped out in anger and told her what I had said to the girl and that I had seen her on "find my iphone" with our "mutual friend". I was so angry, and I have never been an angry person before I met her. She approached me and I pushed her away screaming at her. Some guy comes and tries to go between us. She keeps coming towards me and I keep pushing. When the guy hears what I am screaming he says to me. "It's ok, I understand you" and then he leaves. I eventually ran away and spent the night at a friends place. Usually she'd flip out when I leave her and would come to my friends place and knock on the windows all night and text 30 messages and try to call until my phone ran out of juice. She didn't this time. I may have shut of my phone. Next day I come "home" again and she is in tears saying that it is only me and it is not what it seemed like. We had a discussion and I decided that I would just take her word for it to keep the peace. That was my intention, but then she started her "discussion" right afterwards about why I had said what I said to the girl in the bar, and hell followed. That was the moment I knew that this was it. I packed my suitcase after that. She said she was only going to talk to me a little bit. The next thing I know I was laying there paralyzed and unable to move. A month of severe paralyzation and depression followed whenever i sensed an argument.

Finally one night, I was staying up late and she voiced discontent with that I just continued to do what I did and she fell asleep. I went for a walk at night. Something I could not do freely. I went for a burger and really enjoyed this "free" moment. And I decided to leave. Next morning I said to her that this was over. The kids had woken up so she would be busy tending them, and I escaped to another friend where she would not come looking for me. I stayed there for days in my only set of clothes mustering courage to go pack my things. The day I had decided I went when I knew she was away and found the door locked, a first ever event. I called her and asked where the key was. She said she had it, and asked if I was just going to pack my things when she was not around. Obviously that was not going to happen. We agreed on email to do it the next day and that I would bring two of my friends along. She started to try to convince me to come alone on mail but I ignored her attempts, saying I would even come when the kids where at home. Luckily she came through. And it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Packing my stuff with my vision blurred by tears. I don't know how I got the strength to do it but I did it. I stored my things at my friends house and waited a couple of days to regain energy to fly out of town back to my mom. This was at the beginning of december last year.     

I waited three weeks for my sister to come home for christmas before I spoke about this. When she came she was not in a mood to talk. I had held everything inside me at that point, and when my mother asked me how I was doing I talk to her for the first time in my life about how I felt. i told her everything about the dramas I had been into for the last 3 1/2 years. This was the first time ever I had talked about this to anyone. My girlfriend had made sure of it being paranoid about me talking to anyone and even starting a number of fights accusing me of it. I thought that if I only did the way she expected me to be it would somehow work out, so I had not talk to anyone. My mother was shocked to hear what had been going on. And I cried rivers. Later that day I told my sister everything. The details of the worst incidents for example when she had waded out in the cold sea one day and phoned me telling me she had done it and not telling me where. I searched like crazy and finally found her in the sea. They unfriended her on facebook and she threw a phone/message storm to my mom asking if this meant that she would be "socially dead". Appearance is everything to her. I was scared that when they unfriended her it would mean the end for us. I was still thinking this was a regular relationship and a regular breakup.

The beginning of January i had a chat with her confronting her with her infidelity asking what they had done. She admitted she had kissed him. This was new information for me. I told her how broken I was about this. She said that she had regained her "perspective" and was not taking this so hard. This time I felt real anger. Shortly I came over an article about emotional abuse. And that made me really furious. I finally had the energy to go to my doctor. I even told him everything. And that I believed my depression last year was caused by my relationship. I had not mentioned the relationship last year. It was oblivious to me at that time. After I had told him everything he shook my hand and congratulated me for leaving the relationship. Then he mentioned that it sounded like my ex could have BPD. I did not ask more about it, but took notice. Later I googled and found this article: https://bpdfamily.blogspot.no/2010/12/leaving-person-with-borderline_28.html

This opened a new door to my understanding and brought me to this site. Some of the descriptions in other BPD articles does not fit her. But now I know about high functioning and that BPD comes in different shapes. For two weeks now I have known she was BPD and now it makes some "sense" if you could call it that. Yesterday i read this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0 And the post that 2010 posted really summed our relationship. And I have just discovered that I am "the lonely child" and that I have considerable work ahead of me. This is what scares me... .  

Thank you for reading my rather long post. It was not easy to write it.       

[Mountaineagle]

I left my girlfriend in the end of november last year. Did not know what was wrong. I had a nervous breakdown january last year, and went into a depression. Worked my way out of it by June. At this time we were separated in distance. I stayed at my moms while I fumbled in darkness. At the worst time I had to have NC. She would send me pictures and love emails every now and then. And when I was feeling better I started answering them. We had great contact by the end of our separation. I was still struggling with anxiety attacks and depression. I eventually invited her to come see me and bought plane tickets for her a month ahead. Two weeks before she was to arrive I checked her "find my iphone" a friday night and saw that she spent the night at a mutual friends house. This coincided with a "spiritual" experience that had started on that thursday, a day before this. I freaked out and tried to call her several times, but she never answered. She had always answered my calls before. When she called in the morning she said that the phone was on silence so she hadn't heard my calls. I told her that I had a dream of her being with our mutual friend. I lied. I was to ashamed to admit I had seen it on "find my iphone". Emotional chaos followed that weekend and on sunday I prayed to God.

The following Monday I was canceling a trip that had been organized, but coincidents made it so that I had 10 min to think about it, and a voice inside me said "Just go!" I went on a limb and said yes to that trip. I reached for my tobacco and the voice said "You don't need that anymore!". It was really wierd but I decided to trust it. And did not touch tobacco anymore. No abstineces, no craving, nothing. The same voice came to me the next day and said "Go for a run!" and an image of a route followed that involved some really heavy hills. I just laughed at the idea because when you are depressed everything get physically harder, but I decided to trust the voice and went for it. I made it and was crying of joy, appreciation and pride afterwards. The whole event seemed connected somehow. And I was depressed no more after those days. Her infidelity had triggered events that yanked me out of depression. I don't know what I was thinking but I said to myself that what I saw that friday was a misunderstanding from my part.

She had always said to me that truth was very important to her and that she was not unfaithful. She had started many fights over those issues and "accusing" me for being untruthful and by that consequence unfaithful. She is very high functioning, never saying anything outrageous to me. But she had me on my heels regarding those issues the last 3 1/2 years of our 4 1/2 year long relationship. When she voiced these concernes to me she would start reacting on my reactions to her concern. And the conflict would build on that and change when I said something she "misinterpreted" to be something really horrible. I was always shocked and hurt that she would suspect me of the behaviors she believed I had. The conflicts would just spin my head and I always ended up really angry and confused, in some sort of fog. These fights would last days never really calming down, only when her kids was around she'd but on a mask, but as soon as we were alone again it would continue. I started to doubt myself and walking on eggshells. I spotted some triggers and a pattern of her behavior. The fights happened every three weeks. I started to get really anxious when a trigger would come up, reacting with fear.

Back to her visit. She came and I felt so much love and joy. We got back together and a week afterwards I moved back in with her, feeling very strong. I had "fixed" myself and now everything was going to be alright again, or so I thought... She lasted three weeks and started the same thing now even more concealed. In the fall I started to feel depressed again.

One night we went out, I really feared this because it had gone to hell so many times when we went out. A former flirt approached me in front of my girlfriend and took me to the side to ask me why I did not speak to her. I "knew" this was a major trigger and freaked out inside, then I told her the truth and said it was going to be hell at home afterwards, just to get rid of her. When I turned around to look for my girlfriend she was not there any more. I started looking for her and found her laughing with our "mutual friend". That was the moment I knew the truth about the "find my phone". I said to her that I wanted to leave the place and she followed. On the way home we started arguing and I flipped out in anger and told her what I had said to the girl and that I had seen her on "find my iphone" with our "mutual friend". I was so angry, and I have never been an angry person before I met her. She approached me and I pushed her away screaming at her. Some guy comes and tries to go between us. She keeps coming towards me and I keep pushing. When the guy hears what I am screaming he says to me. "It's ok, I understand you" and then he leaves. I eventually ran away and spent the night at a friends place. Usually she'd flip out when I leave her and would come to my friends place and knock on the windows all night and text 30 messages and try to call until my phone ran out of juice. She didn't this time. I may have shut of my phone. Next day I come "home" again and she is in tears saying that it is only me and it is not what it seemed like. We had a discussion and I decided that I would just take her word for it to keep the peace. That was my intention, but then she started her "discussion" right afterwards about why I had said what I said to the girl in the bar, and hell followed. That was the moment I knew that this was it. I packed my suitcase after that. She said she was only going to talk to me a little bit. The next thing I know I was laying there paralyzed and unable to move. A month of severe paralyzation and depression followed whenever i sensed an argument.

Finally one night, I was staying up late and she voiced discontent with that I just continued to do what I did and she fell asleep. I went for a walk at night. Something I could not do freely. I went for a burger and really enjoyed this "free" moment. And I decided to leave. Next morning I said to her that this was over. The kids had woken up so she would be busy tending them, and I escaped to another friend where she would not come looking for me. I stayed there for days in my only set of clothes mustering courage to go pack my things. The day I had decided I went when I knew she was away and found the door locked, a first ever event. I called her and asked where the key was. She said she had it, and asked if I was just going to pack my things when she was not around. Obviously that was not going to happen. We agreed on email to do it the next day and that I would bring two of my friends along. She started to try to convince me to come alone on mail but I ignored her attempts, saying I would even come when the kids where at home. Luckily she came through. And it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Packing my stuff with my vision blurred by tears. I don't know how I got the strength to do it but I did it. I stored my things at my friends house and waited a couple of days to regain energy to fly out of town back to my mom. This was at the beginning of december last year.     

I waited three weeks for my sister to come home for christmas before I spoke about this. When she came she was not in a mood to talk. I had held everything inside me at that point, and when my mother asked me how I was doing I talk to her for the first time in my life about how I felt. i told her everything about the dramas I had been into for the last 3 1/2 years. This was the first time ever I had talked about this to anyone. My girlfriend had made sure of it being paranoid about me talking to anyone and even starting a number of fights accusing me of it. I thought that if I only did the way she expected me to be it would somehow work out, so I had not talk to anyone. My mother was shocked to hear what had been going on. And I cried rivers. Later that day I told my sister everything. The details of the worst incidents for example when she had waded out in the cold sea one day and phoned me telling me she had done it and not telling me where. I searched like crazy and finally found her in the sea. They unfriended her on facebook and she threw a phone/message storm to my mom asking if this meant that she would be "socially dead". Appearance is everything to her. I was scared that when they unfriended her it would mean the end for us. I was still thinking this was a regular relationship and a regular breakup.

The beginning of January i had a chat with her confronting her with her infidelity asking what they had done. She admitted she had kissed him. This was new information for me. I told her how broken I was about this. She said that she had regained her "perspective" and was not taking this so hard. This time I felt real anger. Shortly I came over an article about emotional abuse. And that made me really furious. I finally had the energy to go to my doctor. I even told him everything. And that I believed my depression last year was caused by my relationship. I had not mentioned the relationship last year. It was oblivious to me at that time. After I had told him everything he shook my hand and congratulated me for leaving the relationship. Then he mentioned that it sounded like my ex could have BPD. I did not ask more about it, but took notice. Later I googled and found this article: https://bpdfamily.blogspot.no/2010/12/leaving-person-with-borderline_28.html

This opened a new door to my understanding and brought me to this site. Some of the descriptions in other BPD articles does not fit her. But now I know about high functioning and that BPD comes in different shapes. For two weeks now I have known she was BPD and now it makes some "sense" if you could call it that. Yesterday i read this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0 And the post that 2010 posted really summed our relationship. And I have just discovered that I am "the lonely child" and that I have considerable work ahead of me. This is what scares me... .  

Thank you for reading my rather long post. It was not easy to write it.       

[waitaminute]

No contact. This seems brutal, I know. But you will become lost, gone, vacant if you continue. Read the stories here and see the similarities. Understand where the soulmate feeling came from. Understand that we are not stronger than the illness. It will win. Let her go. Cry, weep, mourn the loss of this human being. if we could sacrifice ourselves to save the BPD, you would read about it in this forum. But the stories just arnt here. we can't save them through our own sacrifice.Save yourself and find another person that needs you without pulling the life out of you.

[waitaminute]

Btw... .  I too had deep spiritual experiences... .  Knowing that I needed to help her at that time. But I never felt the spiritual conviction that this was to be my woman. And yet the path I was on was leading me that way... .  Until I finally said enough.

I have since occasionally doubted my spiritual discernment. But I know the difference between a feeling and real spiritual guidance. It was real. There is no logic in faith. But I'm inclined to look for some anyhow.  I'm left with the conclusion -tentative though it may be - that I was some important part of her life. God loves her. And through the hell that my life became, the ashes might give rise to a better man. And now I must pick up what's left of me and rebuild.

[Mountaineagle]

Thank you waitaminute

I have obsessed about her ever since I left. Checking her facebook and "find my iphone" constantly, wondering if she is with someone else. This was hurting me intensely, for my own sanity I have started a diary where I spew all my bad feelings into words, writing memories and the rare reflections I can manage. But I took a vital step. I bought a book called Ex-detox witch explains no contact. I am now on day 9. I posted on a different thread that I was on day 10, but i checked and now its 9. So I have not checked her whereabouts since. It is incredibly hard and I have an urge to do it still. This is part of why I joined this forum to get me out of one of those moments when the urge was almost unbearable. I have to rework my entire memory of the relationship looking at it in view of BPD. All my assumptions I had of what was wrong was wrong. The good thing about that is that it was not all me as I believed. Another thing thats really great is that this has opened up something in me in terms of communication, I have never written or spoke about anything this freely. Discovering this forum and all of you has saved me from being alone in this experience, I deeply thank you all for sharing your stories and letting me know that I am not alone in this. But that is kind of sad as well...

[Mountaineagle]

I felt this relationship to be "fated". Did you have that feeling? This summer when she was having a real bad fit. I just sat there and prayed to god audibly, at that moment a bird flew into the window and broke off her tantrum. 

[Mountaineagle]

I don't know... It's all really warped. Seems like all my memories have to be rewritten. I am really confused at the moment and there seems to be a vail unfolding my understanding slowly. I don't know what was real and what was not. I don't know myself.

[myself]

Mountaineagle,   

Sorry for what you're going through. You're definitely not alone, each one of us here is going through our own versions of a similar story. This is a good place for you.

Also, please know that you don't have to get to everything at once. The memories, the understanding, the healing--- It's a process. It can seem like it's all too much, and all happening at once, because it is. The pull towards the past can be very strong. That's where we just were. Turning the focus on yourself, in the here and now, will help with that, as you're finding out by not checking her online stuff and etc. When you're thinking too much of her, reach out here instead. It's looking forwards, not backwards.

The pain you feel is called 'detaching'. It's a mix of old betrayals, unanswered questions, spiritual connections, dreams, beliefs, positive growth... .  You're changing now. You're 'waking up'. That's a simple way to put it, but in these times, it can be the simple things that help us out the most. If you're cold, wrap up in a blanket. If you're hungry, have a bite to eat. If you're hurting, heal yourself. That's what we're doing here. We share, reach out, commiserate... .  Finding ways to be our better selves along the way. That you're here shows you're using your efforts and time in constructive not destructive ways. We're here to support you as you do so. Learning from it, too. Best wishes.

[waitaminute]

I have not communicated to her since October. She has sent me some love, hate, and in-between messages since. I said goodbye with love and that is the best I can do. I wonder about her of course. But I don't want to stalk and I don't want to see or hear about her relationships. You know these women need a relationship. So I accept that she has at least one.

Self discipline is what you need to keep from looking for her. It will help you heal.

I guess we all are strong in someways and weaker in others. I don't feel the need to know what she is doing. Yes I do ruminate every day about what happened. And that has to stop. That's my challenge. And also, I've replaced my addiction to her intense drama with other distractions that are not healthy. My Tuesday T session will be about those. And lastly, I need to regain my ability to focus... .  Or I will lose my job.

So just take inventory of where you are at in this healing process. And step by step find some normalcy.

[waitaminute]

Just know that you have survived a devastating experience. I have a friend with PTSD from a hellish war of 45 years ago. He is still in therapy. I have thought about discussing this with him. But I am afraid he cannot equate the hell of death and destruction with the hell of a girlfriend's broken mind. So I won't. But I think there is more commonality than a warrior can accept. It's that bad. And thus, the healing process will be almost as difficult.

[Mountaineagle]

It is so nice to finally talk to someone who understands. To explain this experience to someone who doesn't is for me frustrating. I have only told my closest family. Feel like I don't want to appear a nut case in front of others. But I am really broken, and realizing that. The people around me assume this is a "normal" breakup. I have been through some normal ones. This is not even close. I am so grateful I found this site. It is really helping because I feel that now I can channel some confusion into structure. And my heart is lighter after I post something here.