After last fight, need to find long awaited tools to deal with my Mother

[makeitstop5]

I am 46 and while I'm new to this particular board but not the site.  I found bpdfamily.com over six years ago while trying to process and cope with my second husband who had all the signs of BPD (as well as Bipolar I).  We were seperated at the time, subsequently divorced and I haven't spoken to him in over 3 years.  During our seperation, I saw a few counsellors who helped me do some painful and necessary work regarding relationships, self-esteem, etc.  But it was this sight that switched the lightbulb on the root of some of my emotional issues... .  my mother!

While I was growing up, dad and I knew there was something "wrong" with mom.  She was not physically loving, was quick to criticize and when she got angry, was downright vicious.  There were times big blowouts would occur, he, I or both of us would be accused of all manner of terrible things we had either done to her or were serious character flaws that caused her grief.  After the raging, she would be uncommunicative for days, sometimes taking to her bed, and dad and I would try to live "around" her very quietly.  After these few days, she would get up and routine would go on.  Nothing was ever said about the incident.  Dad went from asking her to seek help to telling me that "it's just your mom, she'll be fine in a bit."  He would go to work (often, I feel, to escape) and I would be left alone with her. 

I am adopted, my mother is 40yrs older than I.  She had a lot of friends and we have a large, extended family.  I don't know if they saw it and just left us alone feeling it was our business or felt that this is the way families interact.  I always thought I was an awful person, in constant need of other's forgiveness.  If I ever spoke up, it was always about looking at it from my mother's point of view, you are lucky to have a decent home, etc.  I don't remember ANYONE sticking up for me or even listening to my side of the story.  As an adolescent and young adult, it was awful because I found my voice.  Fortunately, I left at 17 to go to college - I knew I couldn't live there.

Fast forward to 2008... .  my father passes away and I am left to organize the funeral, etc. and all eyes are on the grieving widow. Fair enough... .  but this has been milked for all it's worth for years.  I have tried very hard to be a "good daughter" (failing miserably, of course - you can't win).  When I saw the classic signs of her ramping upfor a blowout, I became very skilled at deflecting it, or would practice NC for a few days, lest I found myself looking down the barrel of her verbal shotgun which fired venom.  I was OK... .  until Saturday.

I didn't see it coming and got caught up in all the old garbage... .  long story short, we haven't spoken since then, I was a mess yesterday and still reeling from that "conversation.  I can't do this anymore... .  I know I need to come to terms in my mind that yes, she is STILL I'll and therepy for her isn't an option... she is 86.

I love my mother and there have been good times and good memories.  It hurts to reopen all these old wounds.  I also worry that I will lose contact with the rest of my family if I go LC or set strong boundaries... .  I feel they would be incredicly reproachful if I "abandoned" her.

Any feedback would be welcome... .  thanks for letting me talk

[makeitstop5]

to clarify (and it's a patern of relationships, I see)... .  with regards to the friends she and my father had, there were incidents of her cutting people out of their lives for all kinds of reasons, most of them trivial.  I lost contact with decent folks who I considered "family".  They often died not knowing what they did to upset her and actually discussing it was out of the question.  So yes, she had a lot of friends but many of them fell by the wayside.