Blame

[Depression = 72% of members]

I blame everyone in my exwBPD's life for the way she is.

Well I know that she has a mixed up brain chemistry... .  but it seems like every friend, family member she's ever had has neglected and enabled her to be self-abusive.

Mother encouraged her promiscuity and infidelity and used her as an abuse proxy to live out her twisted fantasies.

Sister hit her and had bipolar... .  and was sadistic towards her.

AA Sponsor encouraged her to "ignore her psych symptoms and focus on AA."

Father most likely molested her and sister and was a philandering womanizer.

Best friends all came from broken homes, had addictions, promiscuous... .  didn't care about her other than her ability to make them feel important.

ex-boyfriends abused her, or were abused by her... .  etc.

There is so much toxicity and poor social mirroring pumped in to her, how can she ever get better?

She won't get better... .  but my anger is so strong that it is distributed amongst her and her "people" which are ultimately my "people" since we are all one... .  it is her fault, their fault, my fault.

i am ashamed... .  and I blame everyone.

Stoic

[stoic83]

I blame everyone in my exwBPD's life for the way she is.

Well I know that she has a mixed up brain chemistry... .  but it seems like every friend, family member she's ever had has neglected and enabled her to be self-abusive.

Mother encouraged her promiscuity and infidelity and used her as an abuse proxy to live out her twisted fantasies.

Sister hit her and had bipolar... .  and was sadistic towards her.

AA Sponsor encouraged her to "ignore her psych symptoms and focus on AA."

Father most likely molested her and sister and was a philandering womanizer.

Best friends all came from broken homes, had addictions, promiscuous... .  didn't care about her other than her ability to make them feel important.

ex-boyfriends abused her, or were abused by her... .  etc.

There is so much toxicity and poor social mirroring pumped in to her, how can she ever get better?

She won't get better... .  but my anger is so strong that it is distributed amongst her and her "people" which are ultimately my "people" since we are all one... .  it is her fault, their fault, my fault.

i am ashamed... .  and I blame everyone.

Stoic

[Rose Tiger]

How do you know the details of her history?  Is she the source?  Grain of salt, friend.

[stoic83]

How do you know the details of her history?  Is she the source?  Grain of salt, friend.

Nope I lived through it... .  this is 4 years of empirical data.

Confirmed by a lot of mirroring... .  change in behavior after being around certain people.

Telling me things when she would forget I was her boyfriend and just speaking unconscious thoughts, drunk, couldn't keep up her mask... .  

Ive seen her drunk, sober... .  taken trips with her friends, my friend has dated her best friend from high school, ive spent time with her family, and she's told me things that I've validated were true.

When she relapsed at my house she told me that shes "been trying to figure out for the past 4 years whether her dad r**** her sister." and this isnt a lie... .  because when i first met her, her sister told her that her dad r***** her as a baby on heroine.

In any case, all three of them the dad and the two sisters went to AA together... .  to the same meeting.

I am so sick from all of this... .  my exwBPD told me after 4years that her mom was heavily medicated and that mental illness runs in her family and that her mother was molested/r**** by an uncle as a baby.

And so here I am... .  i have no rs with my family so this was part of my life for 4 years. on and off. through rehabs and recycles and as her friend, exboyfriend, and boyfriend ... .  on and off and up and down and all around... .  loopty loo.

Seeming as I am a very trusting and somewhat shy eccentric scientist type with high emotional sensitivity... .  it really doesn't take much to manipulate me... .  ive always been an easy target.

[stoic83]

She said she wanted to move away somewhere else with me.

She has learned helplessness... .  i do too.

She is trapped in several abusive rs w several oppressive mind     s and there is nothing she can do about it.

She fears being alone... .  and she projects her abusers on to everybody. She tried to turn me in to an abuser too, but I just don't have it in me.

Its very, very sad. I do love my exgfwBPD... .  i strongly believe that if it wern't for this affliction that we could've been together... .  but I know that this is certainly not the case.

I accept the fact that she has BPD and i do not want to be with her.

If she shows up at my house, which I am pretty sure she will, I have to ignore the door.

I need her to stay away from me, because I have given up on not loving her... .  it seems impossible to me... .  so I accept the fact that I love her, but that she is poison and if I were grass I can not grow with her around.

I might love the smell of motor oil, but that doesn't mean I should drink it.

Grass needs sun and rain... .  not poison. I am full of poison right now... .  so I am thankful for the sun and rain that I have gotten from the kind and patient people who have related to and advised to me on this site.

Regards,

Stoic

[Suzn]

stoic these are terrible things she may have gone through. I know how you feel, I felt the same way you do. I needed to blame someone. Her family, her friends, her and later myself. What I realized, the bottom line was I had a preconceived idea about how things "should" be. Realistically things are rarely how we think they "should" be. I wasn't getting what I wanted so of course I needed to blame the events on someone or something.

You are likely very right, she never had a chance to develop into a healthy minded adult. And she may never. You, on the other hand, can. Acceptance is really hard in the beginning stages of detachment. Trying to wrap your head around the fact that it was what it was and she is who she is is painful.  

What can you do now to turn that focus to you?

[Rose Tiger]

Got it.  The reason I ask is we tend to be on their list as past abusers in their lives.     Many people have experienced abuse as children.  Some come out it with compassion, some with skills to abuse others.  It's a choice, to play victim as an adult or to learn new coping skills.  Some might be too damaged and folks need to learn how to protect themselves from unsafe people.  It's not fair that kiddos have to deal with abusive parents.  It's frustrating and maddening.  All a person can do is break the pattern in their family tree. Or keep it going.

[stoic83]

Got it.  The reason I ask is we tend to be on their list as past abusers in their lives.     Many people have experienced abuse as children.  Some come out it with compassion, some with skills to abuse others.  It's a choice, to play victim as an adult or to learn new coping skills.  Some might be too damaged and folks need to learn how to protect themselves from unsafe people.  It's not fair that kiddos have to deal with abusive parents.  It's frustrating and maddening.  All a person can do is break the pattern in their family tree. Or keep it going.

Yeah with my T i am finally coming to grips with the fact that my mom is most likely ill as well and that I have a much more abusive childhood than i had originally thought. I do have a lot of compassion for other people who were abused as kids... .  i have always been a huge children's rights activist. That is why my blood is boiling. Because my ex is still a child 26 years old... .  

I told her parents that being a man that has been intimate with her and known her for 4 years that I am 98% sure something happened with her father (who recently died = abandonment rage directed at me) and that now is the time to fix it. With fresh wounds... .  with a great change and a great loss like that comes the opportunity for healing.

I see this time as an opportunity for healing for me.

I have a chronic pelvic pain syndrome (which i believe may be emotional or psychosomatic or also physical from some mystery bug... .  been checked out) and last night while I was having a nightmare about my ex i had the most debilitating pain in my pelvis prostate area that i almost passed out.

So I am damaged very badly and am very isolated. I hope my T is good and I am looking forward to learning some DBT skills and mindfulness to restore my core self and be the man that I know I am capable of being.

i have alientated a lot of my friends and family... .  and reconnected with my aunt and uncle. who my uhfBPD mother told me was a pedophile when I was 12. (my mom and dad were viciously and violently abused as children so I guess I should feel lucky that they didnt hit me or torture me as they were as children)

Thanks:)

Stoic

[stoic83]

stoic these are terrible things she may have gone through. I know how you feel, I felt the same way you do. I needed to blame someone. Her family, her friends, her and later myself. What I realized, the bottom line was I had a preconceived idea about how things "should" be. Realistically things are rarely how we think they "should" be. I wasn't getting what I wanted so of course I needed to blame the events on someone or something.

You are likely very right, she never had a chance to develop into a healthy minded adult. And she may never. You, on the other hand, can. Acceptance is really hard in the beginning stages of detachment. Trying to wrap your head around the fact that it was what it was and she is who she is is painful. 

What can you do now to turn that focus to you?



Yes I read the tyranny of the shoulds and am trying to reach acceptance... .  it's coming in spurts. So are the emotions. I pushed down my emotions a lot in the rs, because there wasn't enough room for mine. So i was all reasonable mind. Emotion-mind is badly suppressed by abusive parents, "control-me" syndrome, and my own use of marijuana which has become addictive... .  especially right now. T tells me to ween off the weed and my anxiety will lessen.

I told her i thought i needed an anxiety pill or something. In any case... .  my job for this weekend is to do one thing that is relaxing and completely my idea.

I have developed some sort of a social phobia after being involved in such a horrific and traumatizing romantic relationship... .  I am afraid of women... .  my friends all think I'm selfish and dropped them for my exwBPD and thus are giving me the cold shoulder... .  im not good company right now anyways! Look at me!

In any case, I need to make music paint... .  go to the beach... .  something. but i am in so much pain and depression i just feel like wallowing and being bitter.

Stoic

[stoic83]

The T is trying to get me out of talk therapy mode and in to dbt skills mode, which Im looking forward to... .  but I don't know if im ready because this is honestly the worst I have ever felt.  I guess that's a good as time as any?

I am a very sensitive person... .  i dont like violent films, etc... .  I am finding rejection and violence everywhere I turn... .  well (most everywhere). I am so hypersensitive right now... .  it sucks! :'( Im creating rejection by acting needy and I have reached out and nobody even knows me anymore!

Gotta spend some time with my new best friend, ME!

My best friend is an absolute PILL right now! LOL.

Stoic

[Suzn]

In any case, I need to make music paint... .  go to the beach... .  something. but i am in so much pain and depression i just feel like wallowing and being bitter.

It's important to feel what you're feeling... .  all the way through. It's good you see this. It's also good to know at some point making yourself get out will be helpful. Even if it's a walk around the block. Walking releases endorphin to help you feel better so making yourself do this will be an accomplishment. Yea the weed may take away some of that "want to" so it would probably be good to ween yourself off.

I'm curious, what is music paint?

I am a very sensitive person... .  i dont like violent films, etc... .  I am finding rejection and violence everywhere I turn... .  well (most everywhere). I am so hypersensitive right now... .  it sucks!

Being hypersensitive right now is pretty normal for anyone going through one of these breakups. Being sensitive to things like violent movies and then being exposed to the stories you have been exposed to... it's no wonder you feel the way you do. It does suck, it will get better the more you do things to take care of you.

You're right taking care of you comes first. Your friends may come around in time. Do you owe an apology? Did you ditch them for your ex? An apology goes a long way when it's sincere.

Learning DBT skills is great, and any time we are struggling emotionally it's a good time. DBT is all about healthy coping skills and we all can benefit from those.

[stoic83]

In any case, I need to make music paint... .  go to the beach... .  something. but i am in so much pain and depression i just feel like wallowing and being bitter.

It's important to feel what you're feeling... .  all the way through. It's good you see this. It's also good to know at some point making yourself get out will be helpful. Even if it's a walk around the block. Walking releases endorphin to help you feel better so making yourself do this will be an accomplishment. Yea the weed may take away some of that "want to" so it would probably be good to ween yourself off.

I'm curious, what is music paint?

I am a very sensitive person... .  i dont like violent films, etc... .  I am finding rejection and violence everywhere I turn... .  well (most everywhere). I am so hypersensitive right now... .  it sucks!

Being hypersensitive right now is pretty normal for anyone going through one of these breakups. Being sensitive to things like violent movies and then being exposed to the stories you have been exposed to... it's no wonder you feel the way you do. It does suck, it will get better the more you do things to take care of you.

You're right taking care of you comes first. Your friends may come around in time. Do you owe an apology? Did you ditch them for your ex? An apology goes a long way when it's sincere.

Learning DBT skills is great, and any time we are struggling emotionally it's a good time. DBT is all about healthy coping skills and we all can benefit from those.

Yes I ditched them for my ex several times... .  and they took me back several times, and I have apologized a lot... .  and now they probably don't believe me anymore.

I think one of my best friends (an active alcoholic) known him since we were 13 and moved out here, is with a very disturbed young woman... and I feel like it's my fault. He's been screaming in my face and being a jerk!

My other best friend is depressed himself (the one who dated my exgfwBPD best friend)... .  he took too much ecstasy when he was young (clean now) but his emotions are very weak and so i am probably overwhelming for him. He is not straightforward with me and agrees to do things and then kinda gives me the cold shoulder, like a girl whose too afraid to say she doesn't like you because she doesnt want to hurt your feelings. It's maddening.

My other best friend is probably hfBPD(he knew a lot about borderline and when i joked about him having it he reacted)... .  he was a sober alcoholic as well, womanizer... .  looks like an abercrombie model. I was friends with him for 10 years... .  through his alcoholism and hospitalisations and now in to his sobriety. He volunteers, is in grad school, etc... .  but doesnt believe in "labeling". He raged on me for seeing me in this addictive relationship and through me in to a glass door in front of all his AA friends. I think it hurts him on a deep level, since i remind him of all the "baby seals" that I am sure he has devastated.

I have went to al anon a few times... .  looks like everyone i know was or is an alcoholic or addict. That's probably a big sign of codependency, especially since i have the lesser weed and cigarette addictions... My exwBPD subtly discouraged me from going, but actively encouraged me to go to alanon if that makes sense. In any case, she was probably worried that A) I would break up with her, as Al anon would most likely encourage it. B) I would meet another woman there.

I can tell you that when i did go to al anon, and the women there were so nice to me... .  it made me feel like a million bucks. I came home to exwBPD and she raged at me... .  could read all over my face that i got a lot of validation from women and it was crystal clear how abusive and poisonous she had become to me. That's when her distortion campaign really started and so soon afterward I launched my pre-distortion campaign.

Most of my friends are kind of messed up... .  so I am probably "messed up" in a different way... so i guess I should follow the advice i was trying to give to my exwBPD and that is don't hang out with toxic people. So I guess I am alone... .  and need to seek sun and rain outside my friendships... .  when i have healthier boundaries and don't feel so needy i can see friends again... .  but i guess i should be alone and around new people that don't have resentment towards me and aren't mentally ill and don't have more problems than me... .  [entrepreneur/pothead/depressed/abusivechildhood dealing with]

If i could meet a friend right now who was like that I could handle it.

Of course right now... .  i feel like my problems/mood/attitude is pretty ~ty and toxic so I guess I should just be alone... .  but this is what keeps me depressed is isolation.

I dont want to go around acting all sunny and fake... .  that just seems deceptive. fake it till i make it?

i have apologize to my friends, but i have criticized them a lot recently and they are probably hurt... .  because my criticism were results of deep analysis about their lives and it probably struck a painful chord with each of them.

I was probably taking it out on them... .  

I don't think my friends are that thoughtful or empathic.

Any friends that I had that were thoughtful or empathic don't live in the area, and I havent kept in touch with.

I have reached out a bit... .  but they are so busy they dont have a lot of reason to talk to me, especially because I have so many problems right now... .  nobody wants to go reach out to everyone, and say "hey my life is ~".

So i just cant act fake and sunny, but I have talked to some people in the past and it was nice talking to them and I tried to keep it mellow... .  but i guess i am in a very different place than most people, highly introspective, creative and innovative, but very damaged and weak with little to no friends that share common interests

I just came from a narcissitic family and developed black sheep / scape goat syndrome to some effect, and I need to start fresh probably... .  ive been a real "debbie downer" for the past few years... .  and being in isolation have some social anxiety... .  weed doesnt help im sure.

Maybe i should check out al anon again... .  i feel strange about it after being out of the relationship but its probably a good thing to get some face to face contact with empathic people... .  especially since I am furious with AA right now (see other post).


Stoic

[stoic83]

Music paint = I used to be creative and expressive by making music (with my keyboard, guitars, etc) or painting.

Now I feel like i need an audience to do anything... .  i just am struggling to find the intrinsic motivation to do anything... .  I feel like it's gonna be crap. Or even if it was great, I would still think it was crap.

All my friends would love it if i wasnt on the outs... but with out that social mirroring its tough for me to find the motivation. Most everyone just wants to enjoy their free time on the weekends and do passive, consumer activities... which i also enjoy... .  but not lately... .  i feel driven to change my life situation, and im not taking action im just sitting here in turmoil.I am bootstrapping a startup for a revolutionary idea... .  i've been working really hard for years on it and she relapsed and painted me black at the worst possible time. not only was i isolating myself for fear of her wrath or cheating on me[unhealthy], i was also isolating to get my project done[also unhealthy, but neccessary for evolution of ideas, etc... .  ].

There is like 50k of potential business this month... .  I am a wreck. i am broke and cant even have a good attitude about the business... .  it feels selfish... .  There are 5 people who want to do business, and I cant even talk to them. My business partners go to all of the meeting with large companies, in part because they are aware that I am depressed and socially anxious right now... .  which has enabled me to avoid this contact which gives me a lot of positive social mirroring when i am in better spirits... .  right now when someone calls me a brainchild or a genius it just makes me feel alone and narcissistic and weird... .  my exwBPD used to call me a "nerd" and a "freak" and say that "i used my intelligence to put other people down". The sad thing was that I always wanted to use my intelligence to help other people.

I mean what's the point of doing this if i have nobody to share it with and you don't even know who your friends are anymore. Does that make me a martyr? I'm glad my exwBPD won't be around to enjoy it... .  when we broke up she said "hey, at least you're going to be a millionaire." So strange... .  at least i know she wasn't with me for the money. [she got an inheritance and her mom was trying to get her to support them both, and ditch the woman whose been taking care of her for 17 years]... .  

In any case, im sure once she spends all her inheritance money and comes after me... .  ill be long gone. That's my driving motivation to make money, get more therapy, and get out of orange county, california... .  the most superficial, plastic, and personality disordered society that one could ever imagine.

Oj simpson, real housewives, laguna beach, THE OC... .  yes folks, this place is as advertised the most artifical, toxic dump of a rat race... .  and I am stuck here and entangled in a business that i created to help other people and almost destroyed me. I want to move to hawaii.

I want to move to Kona and become a frigging sand artist and bathe in green water and swim with the dolphins.

The weather here is amazing.


Stoic

[Suzn]

so i guess I should follow the advice i was trying to give to my exwBPD and that is don't hang out with toxic people.

This reminds me of that saying AA speaks of "playgrounds and playmates". Looking for healthier minded people for friendships is a good plan. If Al Anon was helpful for you it sounds like a good idea. Spending time alone to process your grief is healthy, all the while knowing that we need face to face interaction at times too.

[stoic83]

so i guess I should follow the advice i was trying to give to my exwBPD and that is don't hang out with toxic people.

This reminds me of that saying AA speaks of "playgrounds and playmates". Looking for healthier minded people for friendships is a good plan. If Al Anon was helpful for you it sounds like a good idea. Spending time alone to process your grief is healthy, all the while knowing that we need face to face interaction at times too.

Thats another thing... .  i quit drinking... .  one night we went out and she said have a beer to relax... .  i didnt want to and then reluctantly did. I think she went and told her group that I drank in front of her. I feel like everything i did was a massive setup. But i do feel guilty for smoking weed around her... .  and didn't think to do that... .  until her mom came over to my house and smoked weed and asked me to right on top of her daughters. i guess I should have had more integrity... .  i just really wanted her mom and sisters to be okay with me, because i knew how much control they had over my exwBPD... .  just like my family. its very sad. I think al anon has been helpful to me, so I will go check it out again... .  Initially i blamed myself for her relapsing and so did everyone else as I soon found out, so naturally i blamed everyone else and aa and her sponsor... i've always had some issues with aa, because my friends have been helped by it but also seemed to suffer from being introduced to the wrong kinds of people... .  i felt like i just got setup. She told me " i would never quit drinking for you, why would you do it for me... .  ?" stuff like that (like a year ago). I don't know it's pretty humiliating... .  other times she would put herself beneath me. I guess it evened out in a sick way... .  

I just wanted a friend, partner, teammate ... .  felt camraderie due to the fact that she was clearly abuse victim/survivor. I read that weed helps people with BPD... .  and she mentioned to me several times that she was thinking about smoking weed again some day... .  ultimately it was her decision to move in with me, and if she new she had manipulative power over me it was her fault she was on the wrong playground with the wrong playmate. I have sacrificed a lot to be in a relationship with her, and I guess this statement made me feel some shame because I in part feel responsible for the relapse as well. I should never have allowed her to move in... .  but i was worried about her self-harming after her dad's death and although she didn't love me all the time, i did love her... .  

Of course I can love an abusive person, does that mean i have to be in a relationship with her no... .  but i am glad i was her dad's replacement because she always told me she was worried about having a close family member die, that she was terrified of what she would do... .  and of course seeing the look of pure pain and terror on her face... .  that's all i could think about when i agreed and encouraged her to move in with me.

Stoic

[Rose Tiger]

Aww Stoic, you are sweet.  That is something to feel good about, you showed kindness to someone that hadn't experienced a whole lot of that in their lives.    That is something we can all feel good about, we loved the fool out of our partners.  Not a bad thing to do for a hurting soldier.

[myself]

That is something to feel good about, you showed kindness to someone that hadn't experienced a whole lot of that in their lives.    That is something we can all feel good about

Sorry for what you're going through, stoic. That's a lot to handle all at once. Just keep sifting through it, the stuff that's yours will rise to the top. The rest will have been dealt with. Some of the blame involved is people blaming themselves for what they didn't do (even when they couldn't have even if they wanted to), blaming themselves for how things did or didn't turn out. RoseTiger's onto something deep, that goes beyond codependence or games or pains: You shared yourself with someone in a very loving way. Take credit for that. Feel good about it. Continue being like that in your life. You were there for her when the time came. You know that's who you are. Being there for yourself, reaching out, helping yourself detach, shows that your own time is happening right now. It always was (we just lose sight of that in troubled times). Peace.

[daintrovert13]

She said she wanted to move away somewhere else with me.

She has learned helplessness... .  i do too.

She is trapped in several abusive rs w several oppressive mind     s and there is nothing she can do about it.

She fears being alone... .  and she projects her abusers on to everybody. She tried to turn me in to an abuser too, but I just don't have it in me.

Its very, very sad. I do love my exgfwBPD... .  i strongly believe that if it wern't for this affliction that we could've been together... .  but I know that this is certainly not the case.

I accept the fact that she has BPD and i do not want to be with her.

If she shows up at my house, which I am pretty sure she will, I have to ignore the door.

I need her to stay away from me, because I have given up on not loving her... .  it seems impossible to me... .  so I accept the fact that I love her, but that she is poison and if I were grass I can not grow with her around.

I might love the smell of motor oil, but that doesn't mean I should drink it.

Grass needs sun and rain... .  not poison. I am full of poison right now... .  so I am thankful for the sun and rain that I have gotten from the kind and patient people who have related to and advised to me on this site.

Regards,

Stoic

This is on point...

I feel this when I become resentful towards our break up.

I see where certain family members could have prevented certain things

from happening to her. Her new significant other looks like a drinker... .  obviously has no idea

that my ex and alcohol do not mix. So i'd probably start blaming her new s/o also. What makes

it worse is that her new s/o lives in AU and I've heard she plans on moving out there. Disaster.

She also recently changed her name to something cooky like "ocho cinco". I mean I know she's an

adult now... but couldn't someone say something? *sighs* I still want to stay around and be there but... .  our 5yr relationships started making me feel emotionally unstable my self... .  in the sense that, I started losing my confidence. My security. It is emotionally draining to deal with a person with a personality disorder. Its like you have to be consistent in your actions for them to "get it" or else the blame game starts. But I totally understand how you feel.