First post here, finally seeing a lawyer

[ramble on]

It seems like a million years since I found this website and finally put the pieces together. Its now been about 5 years since I first posted on the new members page. Told her two years ago that we were done and I did not feel like I loved her anymore. Since then I went into "paralysis by analysis" and slipped back into doing and saying nothing because of the FOG. We have been together since Dec 87 and hope to finally end it and move on this year. Short version of the story; I am male 56, she fits the mold of a high functioning waify formally undiagnosed person with BPD. I found a therapist who speciallizes in personality disorders and with the normal caveat that she cannot diagnose with meeting her she agrees with me that my spouse is likely BPD and has other deep rooted emotional issues as well.

We met at a vulnerable time of my life, I ignored the red flags big time at the beginning. I now realize that the fixer/troubleshooter/white knight in me contributed to the longevity to the relationship. In fact based on meeting me, our conversations and the actions/comments of my BPD over the years my therapist said if nothing else I provided her with a ton more stability over the years then she would likely have had without me.

Any advice for me from people who have been down this road? Are there any specific things I should make sure the lawyer knows? I feel good about myself now, I know I did not cause or create the disorder. I also know that by myself I cannot fix the problem. I don't hate her, I wish her the best but I cannot and will not allow myself to walk on eggshells any more.

[ForeverDad]

That first step is the hardest.  If this is any consolation, once you have chosen your path and have started in that direction, subsequent steps won't be so hard to make.

Fortunately, without minor children you don't have to worry about custody issues.  So the biggest issues are fairly straightforward financial ones, though be very aware there is always a serious risk of being accused of DV or some other terrible behavior.  While you want to gently disengage, she may not make that easy.  She could overreact by striking out with claims intended to either draw you back or punish you for leaving.

Has she ever threatened to involve police or make false allegations?  If so, inform your lawyer and protect yourself as best you can from such potential risks.  The circumstances of ending a dysfunctional relationship is particularly likely to trigger legal involvement.  You don't want to get carted off for a weekend or longer.  Doesn't matter that you don't do anything bad, even if you feel the risks are low, it could happen.  The first responders, such as the police, are more concerned with defusing an incident than with figuring out who's at fault, innocence or blame isn't a high priority, they're typically willing to let the courts sort it out later.

[ramble on]

thank you for the reply. Yes, thankfully there are no kids involved. Just have to deal with the juvenile I am trying to extricate myself from. I think I should be in good shape legally. She has never threatened to call police.  A friend of mine who happens to be a lawyer and has done some legal stuff for me in the past does not do family law. However he recommended the lawyer he said he would go to if he had to split from his wife. I think the biggest obstacle will be her changing her mind about things as we move on. The other big item is we live in a small town (22000 people) and the rumour mill gets cranked up pretty quick. That was one of the things that has held me back from moving forward by taking the steps needed to free myself from the landmine field I have been walking in all these years.

[livednlearned]

That was one of the things that has held me back from moving forward by taking the steps needed to free myself from the landmine field I have been walking in all these years.

Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? Great book to help prepare you for the kind of stuff that happens when you mix BPD and family courts. Fortunately, you don't have to worry about the custody stuff, but the book is a good primer regardless. Most of us don't have experience with the court system, and it can be a double whammy of dread and conflict, dealing with court and BPD at the same time. Read as much as you can to help you prepare. Bill Eddy is both a former therapist (20 years) and a family law attorney. He literally wrote the book on high-conflict divorce, and recognizes that PDs are what keep people stuck in the h@ll of court.

The other stuff -- the distortion campaign in a small town. Good that you have a therapist already. It can get pretty ugly, and many of us who married BPD sufferers don't tend to be naturally assertive, so we tend to roll over. My ex had ties to the university where I'm getting my Phd, and I know he has spread lies about me. All I can do is handle it in a way that let's me retain whatever scraps of dignity I can.