Mixed Emotions ... Why?

[trouble11]

So I feel like I'm pretty much past the angry phase and yesterday was my first day without an anxiety attack. WOOHOO  I still thought of him, but it didn't shut me down like it has for the last three and a half months.  Wanting to make sure my constitution is strong and that I never let him recycle me again I decided to make a list of reasons to NEVER let it happen again. I took my pad and pen and crawled into bed and started writing.  I wasn't giving it a lot of thought, just writing down what came to mind.  In the beginning I felt really good, strong, reasonable, actually kinda happy, and proud of my self.  The things I wrote were factual.  However, as I got toward the end and was running out of things he had done (I was up to 37) my list suddenly changed and the last three entries were   38. He can't help it   39. he didn't choose this   40. Don't be mean.    At that point I put down the pen and cried my eyes out.  Why ... .  when I was feeling so good did I have to go back to feeling sorry for him.  It's scary.  If I can't keep up the strength and confidence when I'm alone in my bed what the hell is gonna happen when I come back up to bat. 

My list WAS good and 40 items long.  I won't bore you all with it but it stater like this

#1  He isn't and can't ever be who you fell in love with.

#2  He will NEVER get help

#3  I can't fix/help him

#4  He blames me for his other failed relationship

etc... .  etc... .     I just wish I hadn't felt like I was picking on him at the end.  AUGH

[mybabyssick]

Well, you just keep in mind that you tried your best to make it work! I too understand what your going through. I married my BPDh in August 2012 and he cheated on me 3 weeks after our perfect wedding... .  crushed beyond belief! I still tried to work it out because from what I read he didnt realize what he was doing... .  but last week I realized I will always be the woman he cheated on 3 weeks after our wedding and I would never be more than that to him or myself as long as I was with him. So I decided to end it... It wasn't just the fact of cheating it was the way he treated me after he did it! Treated me as if he never loved me and hated the ground i walked on... VERY PAINFUL! I have to gain my self-worth again or I will never be happy... I suggest that you focus on you and stop thinking about what he can't help... If he truly cared he would get help. As painful as that is to swallow its true.

[Newton]

Hi trouble11 

Great idea to write down your feelings and thoughts... .  very good self soothing! 

Why do you feel you were picking on him at the end?  (I assume you mean point number 4, or were there others?)... .  

Choosing to distance yourself from projection and inability to accept responsibility is a good thing... .  it means you are looking after yourself... .  

[trouble11]

The whole list has 40 items. It was soothing in the beginning.   While they were FACTS  some of still seamed mean. ie  # 22  He has NO friends.   It's a fact and speaks to his inability to have relationships, but writing it down made me feel like a bratty girl on the playground even though I wasn't saying it to him.  I've re-read it a few times this morning and feel better about it, but last night it just made me kinda sad.   

[Newton]

It's ok to feel sympathy for him... .  that is very different from meaning you are responsible for that situation... .  

We spend so much time in these relationships attempting to 'make' things right or... .  'make' them feel better... .  

The realization that this just isn't our responsibility is quite a shock to us initially... .  perhaps you are still feeling responsible?... .