Hurting/thinking bout her more this weekend

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

All in all I'm doing well but this weekend was Rough.

Even though I enjoyed it - cycled for 53 miles on Friday, went hiking all day Saturday, and today relaxed, I had a bunch of irritation and sadness. We broke up feb 4th and I never felt compelled to reach out to her but today I kinda really wanted to.

I think it started when she sent me a LinkedIn request on march 25th.

It bothers me cause she sent it to me after she broke up with her latest boyfriend. And also cause I find out today she now has a new guy she just started seeing. It's rough.


I don't know. Just venting here.

[fakename]

All in all I'm doing well but this weekend was Rough.

Even though I enjoyed it - cycled for 53 miles on Friday, went hiking all day Saturday, and today relaxed, I had a bunch of irritation and sadness. We broke up feb 4th and I never felt compelled to reach out to her but today I kinda really wanted to.

I think it started when she sent me a LinkedIn request on march 25th.

It bothers me cause she sent it to me after she broke up with her latest boyfriend. And also cause I find out today she now has a new guy she just started seeing. It's rough.


I don't know. Just venting here.

[LetItBe]

I hear you, fakename.  I know it's to be expected to feel sad.  It doesn't make it easier, though.

I went on a 40-mile ride today and still can't stop thinking about him.  I'm taking a break from communicating with him after he broke an important agreement last week.  The odds of us being able to work this out seem pretty dismal.  It's hard to stop thinking about all of the sincere, heartfelt efforts we both made, only to have BPD implode everything.  I hate the disorder.

Guess it's part of the grieving process.  You'll find lots of support here.   Sending warm thoughts your way. 

[fakename]

thanks for writing nongf.

that's rough for you that yours is so recent. fortunately i've had about 2 months to deal with it all and work on myself. so i've built a good foundation i believe. 

as a side note, i never would be able to go out on my long rides or hiking trips if she was still in my life. i always had to be around for her.

i guess part of what bothers me though, is that after her latest breakup i was hoping she would have recognized something and tried to stay single at least for a month or so and then made a good attempt to try to make things work with me.  but obviously that didnt happen.  i guess i still get hopeful from time to time. 

i know i wouldnt have been happy though. she's now been with 3 guys since the beginning of feb. i dont know if that's normal in modern times, but i dont want to be with someone like that. i get that she's 34 and turning 35 in june, so she's worried her biological clock is ticking, but i dont think that justifies it for me.

i dont know. from what i do know, it seems like the new guy is a great guy and successful and all, so i kinda hope it works out. i hope she doesnt screw him up as much as she did me though. i kinda feel compelled to send an email to one of them, maybe telling her she needs to look into BPD and see if she needs to resolve any commonalities she may have with that behavior in order to make the new r/s work, or tell him to prepare for that. i also dont want to, because i dont want to disrupt any chance of the r/s working. i do want her to find some level of happiness and not just keep throwing away her life. 

i dont know. not getting involved seems the best route. i just really hate when she tries does stupid stuff to pop up like the linkedin request, or that stupid 'chantix.com will help you quit smoking' email she sent the day before she started seeing her last boyfriend.  i kinda suspect the linkedin request was a day or 2 day before she started things with her new boyfriend.

i guess its also hitting me cause i'm realizing that she may actually have BPD, rather than me just thinking she does.  or at least that she literally jumps from relatiinship to relationship and i was no different.

anyway. just rambling. but feeling better now.

[Blessed0329]

Fakename, hang in there. My ex used to do similar things, just when I would begin to feel normal again, he would throw out some kind of nominal line, similar to the Linked In request yours sent to you. And the result for me was to start me up again, aching and longing for him, and obsessing, etc. I don't know if our exes know those things have that kind of effect on us, or if it would matter to them if they did know. But you can be sure that you are not alone in your reaction. Stay strong.

[fakename]

blessed, thanks for writing... .

hahaha its so funny knowing i'm not the only one who gets such ridiculous lines thrown at them... . its also funny how we react the same to these people.  such a strange thing. 

[LetItBe]

i guess part of what bothers me though, is that after her latest breakup i was hoping she would have recognized something and tried to stay single at least for a month or so and then made a good attempt to try to make things work with me.  but obviously that didnt happen.  i guess i still get hopeful from time to time.  

i know i wouldnt have been happy though. she's now been with 3 guys since the beginning of feb. i dont know if that's normal in modern times, but i dont want to be with someone like that. i get that she's 34 and turning 35 in june, so she's worried her biological clock is ticking, but i dont think that justifies it for me.

I know it's normal to wish that she could be different.  Just be careful what you wish for.

My uBPDbf and I were broken up for 6 1/2 months, and he did a lot of work and had a lot of important self-realizations in that time.  He is very self-aware, and unlike many we read about here, he even recognizes how he splits people, blames them for his bad feelings, etc.  Things looked hopeful enough that I reunited with him, and we both made a lot of loving, mindful efforts when his mind would start to twist things around.  We were communicating well, and I thought we'd figured out a way to work through the rough patches.  However, the BPD has taken over in full force once again, and now, it seems like all of the beautiful effort we both put in has just disintegrated into thin air.  It's awful, just like so many stories here.

I don't think that being with 3 guys since Feb. is considered "normal" in modern times.  I'm in my 30s, too, and none of my friends nor I behave that way.  Ouch, that must hurt to think about.  It would hurt me.

Glad you're feeling better and finding writing about it here is helping you.

[fakename]

hey nongf,

so are you currently trying to work things out with your bf?

how long was it until the BPD took full force again?

i guess what hurts is that then youre with someone, and devote yourself to someone, you would hope they mean the things they say, and you would hope that you're special enough for them to make sacrifices. i know i made sacrifices. but, unfortunately i'm not perfect.  i was thinking earlier how she made me feel like i wasn't enough or broke down my self-esteem... .   always telling me how to style my hair or complaints about how i dressed, or that i'm too skinny or whatever. its funny cause most people love my hair, and compliment the way i dress, and last year i made a focus to trim down and then build up mass and definiton - i often would feel like how if i didn't achieve that overnight, she wouldnt be satisfied (not to mention i strained my right elbow and so was technically out of commission for about 6 months but would still push myself to do things to quicken the healing, but i could never be proud of it, cause i didnt look how she wanted right away. also i had to always hear about how her ex has a 6-pack)... .   i remember telling her once i felt like i was in an abusive r/s and she turned it around on me. 

i wonder how long they can go without feeling like they are in total control?

i was also thinking earlier how i would do what i consider extraordinarily generous things to show her my love and affection for her like waking up before her so i can wake her up to a nice massage. but even things like that would really go unappreciated and i feel like none of that mattered. nothing was reciprocated.  and i think my inability to ever feel like i was satisfying her makes me feel like 1 - i was never enough when i was with her, and 2- i have trouble feeling like i'll be enough for any girl. i really destroyed my self esteem when i was with her, it's slowly coming back, but its slow. i used to think i was good looking, now dont see it and cant appreciate how i look fully cause in the back of my head she was always criticizing me. its rough sometimes.

anyway. i'm rambling.  its not how i feel all the time, but i do have these thoughts and felt i wanted to share. i am getting stronger every day and doing good things for myself, but i'm not all there yet.

when she moved on so quickly after we broke up, thats when it hurt the most. now i look at it like, great she added another guy, i was just like one of those guys and all i was, was someone to fill her immediate need. it was never what i originally thought it was. and now i just feel bad for her. i know i dont want to be with her and wouldnt be happy with her, i just wish she would get her act together so she could have a better life.  what i dont want to happen is a few months from now, she comes back to me, hurt and just going through the same crap she has, and begging for another chance. its been 2-3 years and i've given her so many chances, and i dont want to sacrifice my life to help her one more time but i dont know if i would resist just cause i wouldnt enjoy seeing her hurt and so hopeless.

which is funny, because only when she's hopeless would she come back to me.

[LetItBe]

Right now, I'm speechless after his last response where he acted like he had no clue what I was upset about.  I feel kinda dumbstruck and like there's not anything left for me to say.  Explaining myself again won't help.  He needs to figure this out for himself.  It only took about a month for the BPD to take over what he/we were trying so lovingly to build together.  We were together 10 months the first time, and the BPD wasn't obvious for about 4 1/2 months.  This disorder just sucks.  It's hard to grasp the power that it can have over those afflicted by it.

I think a lot of times, pwBPD do mean what they say -- in that moment.  Once someone gets too close, though, their defense mechanisms kick in, and... .   you know the rest.  It sounds like that's what happened with you guys.  You were a generous, loving partner, and that was just too much for her.  I, too, have been very generous and loving.  With their arsenals, though, we can never win against BPD.