How do I let go of the resentment and anger I feel at being painted black?

[BrokenPedestal]

My dBPDbf sent me a message about how his mother agrees that he shouldn't try and reconcile with his sister because she is resentful and angry and it won't go well. He was telling me that she would never want to reconcile and that she would just accuse him and try and make him feel guilty, but that he really wants a relationship with her... .  that's the gist. I said that maybe telling her about his condition would make her understand things better and she would feel less angry. He alluded to the fact that she just doesn't understand. I said that maybe she just needed some truth 'bombs' to help her see that her perspective may not be the only one.

He told me I was wrong, outright. That he knows better and to stop arguing with me as I was annoying him. I said ok, you know better, you should do whatever feels right. He tells me the simple fact is that I am wrong. I say, I didn't say I was right about anything (first mistake). He says: "Then why do you keep asserting your view? The implication of which is that I am wrong." I tell him that it wasn't my intention to imply you were wrong, I'm sorry I made you feel that way.I'm not fighting with you. I just want you to be happy and have the kinds of relationships you want. I didn't mean to make you feel like I wasn't backing you, I will always take your side." (Verbatim). He says thanks and continues to talk about the situation, I tell him that he knows what is the better course of action and that I hope she comes around... .     

He says I am condescending, he knows better in every aspect of this, it's ok for me to be wrong especially about something I know nothing about... .  I tell him I am on his side, I was erroneously giving my opinion, I am sorry and that I have apologised 3 times so please can he be a little less cutting. He then tells me he appreciates my input (HUH?) but that my inability to admit I am wrong created this argument. Then says we're fine and he'll talk to me later. I say ok... .  he starts splitting. I am pathetic. I had no right to argue with him. He'll never talk about personal stuff ever again. Thanks for ruining his day. I'm an idiot if I think I had nothing to do with this argument. I owe him an apology (but not one that was condescending like the others... .  )

I send him a mail explaining that I was not trying to argue or disagree with him, that I am sorry if I made him feel invalidated and that my intention was to back HIM not his sister and I am sorry that is how it came out.

Then he says... .  I love you, we've both learnt something here, there is no point in continuing this conversation.

And that's it. I just have to let it go. So I do. Because this argument WILL only escalate. But now I sit here, burning with hurt and anger and resentment. And I don't get to express it to the person who caused it. I know this is not right, on my part. So please tell me, what do you do to ignore/get rid of these feelings and not let them affect you the next time you are face to face with your SO?

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[laelle]

Your JADEing.  You cant fix him hun.  When you made the suggestion and saw he wasnt going to let any reason in, give up and let it go.

You may find that he will bring your suggestion back up to you at a later time if he doesnt feel threatened to do so.

I wouldnt advise bringing up the fact to him that he has an illness.  He either knows it or refuses to believe it and will be all too willing to let you know that he doesnt need you to tell him that.  All your good intentions go out the window and your left hurt.

Practice the validation and JADEing lessons.  The argument probably wouldnt have gone as far as it did, simply because you didnt get caught up in it.

Him -Your wrong, my sister doesnt understand me, she would never go for us repairing our relationship. 

You- That sucks hun, I know you care alot about your sister, and that family is important to you.

Him... .  let him lead but dont JADE, you will spend all your time explaining and it will do No GOOD.

If you want to email maybe say something like... .  wow, I really botched that up last nite, I am not good at expressing my feelings some time.  I know your mad at me, but ill be around if you want to talk.  Love you

You say to yourself... .  I am not pefect and I know I was only trying to help.  I dont require him to validate that.  Tend your own wounds with mindfullness.  Let it go.  I get told off just like you when I start to JADE, I realize im doing it and I stop.  If the argument has gone too far by then, then find a reason to disengage.  "I really hear you on this babe, and it pains me that you have to go through this."  If you dont mind im going to take a few minutes and calm down.  I guess I will go ... .  cook, clean, take a walk whatever.  I'll be right back.

Might help ya... .  best wishes.

[BrokenPedestal]

You're right, I was JADEing. I just had no idea I was doing it at the time. I have a problem with remembering it in the moment. Especially in the face of accusations. We made a promise that if he did not accuse me, I would not defend... .  But I guess I have to accept that I am just going to have to suck it up sometimes and just let it go. It's hard for me to do that, but I need to learn.

He is diagnosed and in treatment, so he has no problem with me bringing up his disorder, we talk about it constantly, I just wish he would tell others (not my place to suggest, I know now), they do hold anger and resentment towards him and they would understand better if they knew. Right now, they just think he is an a-hole and that bothers ME. I don't want anyone to think that of him. That's the place I was coming from. But I see that that wasn't how it came out. I learnt a lot from this, he's right about that. I am just getting so frustrated at getting this wrong all the time, because when he splits and verbally abuses me, it takes me longer and longer to bounce back and I know that it can be avoided (most of the time) if I use the tools. I just can't seem to do it right.

Thanks for the advice. I will take it to heart. And it did make me see a few things more clearly

[laelle]

No one is perfect.  Its a learning in progress.  Your not a mind reader, and if you were, your still not responsible for reading his.

I can understand that you dont want his family to think bad thoughts about him when he is simply misunderstood.  If the family is close, then I would think they probably have an idea that there are issues behind the ass. If his sister cant understand that, maybe there is more to the story than just him. Regardless, there isnt really anything you can do to fix his problem, and if you could, you shouldnt.  Its his. 

[elemental]

You let go of the resentment by detaching and taking care of yourself.

You basically have to step back and build your own self up faster than he is tearing you down. Stay ahead of him, you feel ok and can help keep him stable. Get behind of him and he will take you down with him.

Detaching does not mean stop caring or loving. It means accepting he is being how he is and it's all about him and not really about you. Don't take it personal, and that can be really hard to do. :/