Reverse culture shock

[stoic83]

Hey guys,

I am likening my situation to reverse culture shock.

Upon exiting the FOG and the dysfunctional rs w my exwBPD for the 6th time, my situation is glaring at me in the face.

I am an entrepreneur and my bank account, bills, house, physical shape, status of friendships, etc... .  etc... .  that I neglected or minimized in the throes of BPD rs chaos is frightening and overwhelming to me.

Reminds me of when I came back after studying abroad, and the intrinsic narcissism to this capitalistic society made made me feel uneasy and wary... .  and the behavior of my family(N) and their manipulations to exploit my naive intelligence for their own capital gains became appalling to me. Once they saw that I did not wish to become their personal martyr... , they discarded me like trash as well.

Obviously, I was trying to change history. Get someone to see that their is more to life than get your needs met... .  it's about the joy of giving! That's what I was trying to "teach" my exwBPD... .  but I was not joyful in givng to her towards the end... .  I was bitter and resentful. People take from me and don't give me back because that's how I was trained to behave... .  people change. After seeing how my mom treated my poor dad (who used to scream and terroize me with his projections) it's no wonder that I would allow such a toxic female to rule my world.

I was just following my path, and now I don't even know what I am doing... .  I am not surrounded by warm, loving people. Everything feels selfish and narcissistic. Everyone I knew with integrity, I've lost touch with... .  they live so far away. I am drowning in a sea of narcissism, in the capital of toxicity Orange County, Ca. I also had this vision of what I thought was important to me, and as I find myself alone and embittered... .  I find myself in the situation I always feared for myself. Alone and bitter.

It was so much easier for me to put my love and attention in to something that bears no personal reward. Because somehow deep inside I feel I am unworthy of reciprocal relationships. That's a stunning realization. I am in the right place for the rat race. Time for me to be super selfish in my recovery in the most selfish place on earth. Joy.

All my friends somehow seem different... .  they like movies, and restaurants, and violent tv shows. People love honey boo boo and CNN techno music coordinated bombing images and everybody loves hearing about child molesters in Iowa, or the guy that killed three people at work. I am different. I wish I could return to the place of ignorance, where I did not know "the troubles I've seen." Everybody else seems so happy... .  

Hey, society's not going to self-harm, so I guess it's a safe place for my counter transference.

Glad we can be here for each other during these dark times. I appreciate it. Now, back to doing my selfish work activities where i've worked for three years on impossible problems and have yet to see a return to myself or investors.

I'm so glad I listened to my family and left france where I had a plans to be a professor at the local university. I love the shallow people I surround myself with who look to squeeze whatever value out of me they can just by attaching to me... .  well I can't feed this many people, let alone myself in this tough economy doing what I do, with the current polluted mind that I possess.

Joy.

Stoic

[Newton]

Stoic ... .  I'm not buying it, if you feel you need to check out of the bs then I suggest you do it or you will be miserable.

Do you want to be one of the "sheeple"... .  ?

I'm not hearing that in your post... .  it reads like self depreciating resignation to a situation you find yourself in... .  

Have I misinterpreted your post?... .  

Learning to give to yourself doesn't require you using others for that end... .  

[myself]

I also had this vision of what I thought was important to me, and as I find myself alone and embittered... .  I find myself in the situation I always feared for myself. Alone and bitter.

Time for me to be super selfish in my recovery

What was the vision? Can't you still be working towards helping it become a reality, if it's one you're still feeling is the best, and where you really could be in your life?

The best way for you to not be 'bitter and alone' is to work on yourself. Really put the time in. Squeeze that bitterness out. Wallowing in those juices is just marinating yourself in something even you don't want to taste. The more you work this stuff through your system (by posting here, being physically active, journaling, talking with a T, etc.), the better you'll heal. Which will in turn help you be more outgoing, with a much more positive attitude (about yourself AND everything else). This would help attract someone else who is on a similar healthy level to you, which greatly improves your odds of not being alone.

The focus needs to be on you, and that's not being 'selfish' (those of us who are so used to 'giving' tend to see things that way too often). It's fully alright to turn your own sweetness towards yourself. It can help you cure that bitterness, and then away you go.

[gina louise]

Hmmm you can dump sugar on a lemon but you still have a lemon underneath.

however, if you squeeze the lemon juice out, and add more sugar and water... .  you get a damn fine drink on a summer day-or any day for that matter.

Life consists of what you THINK of it. things are just things, people are just people. Everywhere.

It's how YOU think that determines how YOU feel about any and all of what you bump into in life.

you can sit there and feel bitter and embattled that you got stuck with a lemon.(of a life)

or you can figure out how to make lemonade. Or look for an orange, apple or kiwi fruit.

you got a multitude of choices.

even in Orange County CA.



GL

[stoic83]

Stoic ... .  I'm not buying it, if you feel you need to check out of the bs then I suggest you do it or you will be miserable.

Do you want to be one of the "sheeple"... .  ?

I'm not hearing that in your post... .  it reads like self depreciating resignation to a situation you find yourself in... .  

Have I misinterpreted your post?... .  

Learning to give to yourself doesn't require you using others for that end... .  

Stoic ... .  I'm not buying it, if you feel you need to check out of the bs then I suggest you do it or you will be miserable.

Do you want to be one of the "sheeple"... .  ?

I'm not hearing that in your post... .  it reads like self depreciating resignation to a situation you find yourself in... .  

Have I misinterpreted your post?... .  

Learning to give to yourself doesn't require you using others for that end... .  

Learning to give to myself doesn't require me using others for what end?

I guess I am struggling to the extent that I know I need to be more selfish, but I loathe selfishness. This is dysfunctional. I am talking about healthy selfishness vs. unhealthy selfishness. I live in the capital of plastic surgery, housewives, fancy cars... .  etc. I am having a hard time with the social mirroring I receive here, because it seems that the unconscious intentions of this personality disordered society are to manipulate me in to acting more selfishly or egoistic... .  in unhealthy ways, whereas the rs w my ex encouraged or manipulated me to act selflessly... .  in unhealthy ways. I am struggling to find any balance between selfishness, and selfishness which is why I find myself here in the first place(giving in to the whims of others, and/or neglecting my wise-mind out of paranoia, induced by my mother who views me as an extension of herself). Clearly, it is a product of my own dysfunction combined with social isolation combined with the roller coaster ride of starting a business and the roller coaster of a 4 yr rs w on and off BPD.

I don't want to be one of the sheeple... .  I am expressing that I feel like a total outsider right now... my melon is tweaked, and any social awareness I had before is exaggerated and much more pessimistic. I am sure that there are like minded individuals... .  I am feeling a bit toxic and embittered right now and don't feel like if I was one of those people I would care to know me... .  so yes, for the moment I am resigned to a selfish solitude. I am also expressing that I care about my friends and family, but that it is hard to me to accept the fact that most of these people are not conscious that they are obsessed with superficial validation and this is the driving motivation in their lives... .  to that extent, I don't feel like most of these people really know me at all... .  do they really care about me, or are they faking it? I don't know... .  because according to the most intense rs in my life, people who act like they love me for months and months, can start hating me for no reason at all. It makes sense to me that I think like this... .  I have obviously surrounded myself with a lot of selfish people, because in my FOO that's what it was all about... .  but for them I am the scapegoat and the cause of all of their problems, because I was the only one with enough balls to call them out on their awful behavior.

I agree that I am self-depricating. Why else would I have tolerated such shameless behavior in a romantic rs, no matter what the justification? If we are all one, it would make sense that I internalize the shame that I feel for the way that things are... .  how easy it for me to look on the bright side of things, when negative speculation and shock value are much more interesting to the general public, which all of my lovely friends(including myself) are brainwashed by on a daily basis.

Not me. I hated seeing how violent and cruel my exwBPD was to me. It made me feel ashamed for her... .  or rather I felt her shame... .  im definitely seeing the pattern here.

Anybody healthy most likely does not have room for me in their lives... .  because right now I am toxic. Maybe that's why I felt more comfortable in captivity... .  like a prisoner in my own home(w BPDex), it is was the most free I've felt in a long time, because when living with her I wouldn't have to worry about many things, such as her self-harming, cheating on me out of mental error?... .  etc.

I'm just sharing... .  I have no justification for feeling like this, it's just how I feel right now. Too much social isolation and spending time with crazy people on top of a chronically depressed, self-deprecating mind state from internalizing the abuse of my childhood... .  sucks. Hey anger and sadness are a part of the grief process the last time I checked... .  

There were elements of sarcasm in my post. I will try to be more straightforward next time.

Thanks for the response:) I like your posts.

Stoic

[stoic83]

Hmmm you can dump sugar on a lemon but you still have a lemon underneath.

however, if you squeeze the lemon juice out, and add more sugar and water... .  you get a damn fine drink on a summer day-or any day for that matter.

Life consists of what you THINK of it. things are just things, people are just people. Everywhere.

It's how YOU think that determines how YOU feel about any and all of what you bump into in life.

you can sit there and feel bitter and embattled that you got stuck with a lemon.(of a life)

or you can figure out how to make lemonade. Or look for an orange, apple or kiwi fruit.

you got a multitude of choices.

even in Orange County CA.



GL

Hey! Im just warning you guys to stay away from here... .  . Yes I should really change my attitude... .  fake it till I make it? I need to just involve myself with more positive activities and social circles than the ones I've involved myself with up until this time. Haha... .  no I agree I need to get to the core of this bitter lemon and figure out how I can be sweet again... .  haha. I feel silly even saying that. Me=sweet? Haha after being painted black by the only woman i've ever felt that close too, it's hard to imagine that the two words could be used in the same sentence.

I didn't say the way I'm feeling is correct... .  I'm just saying this is how I feel and it sucks!

Thanks for setting me straight, that I should try to feel differently and more positive and even though it might not look like it, I am trying... .  sometimes it helps to get the bad out... .  you know like a flush. Anyways, you guys give me some good advice and a better perspective.

Sometimes it's easier just to wallow. I mean I had a BPD rs and and all i got for it is a chronic pelvic pain syndrome and a jaded attitude and a fear of women... .  

I should make a t-shirt.

[wb1233]

Stoic

I too am an entrepreneur. I don't believe you are too off course. Our society is off course in the midst of the Kardashian (absolute narcissism) culture. And you right in feeling the way you do. People are self absorbed and use us as an end to a means. People are fake. BPD or not. The heart of man is never satisfied. Living in the OC puts you at ground zero.

I live in Glendora, Ca. Great susburb. People out here have traditional values, slower pace... .  no rat race. There are alternatives to what you have experienced. I'm a Christian, and in spite of having had my heart ripped out of my chest by my uBPDexgf, I still know that there are a lot of real people out there. People who value people for who they are rather than for what they have. I think you are on the right track.

[gina louise]

stoic83,

I feel your angst. I do. I get it. This world you find yourself in is vastly different than the one you feel like you just left. or is it?

Beneath the shifty exterior of every person you see beats a heart-a real heart, and all those people have real feelings in there too. Just like you.

Whether we label them (or ourselves) as shallow, vain, greedy, fake or authentic, empathic, generous and caring.

It kinda depends on what you look for and focus on.

I am not telling you to FEEL differently. Most of us have been where you are. It's harsh!

I am telling you (in part) not to judge HOW you feel NOW as the Be All and End All.

Feelings come and go... .  yours are going to change, too.

This will pass. it sucks,(BAD) but it passes.

hang in there,

GL

[gina louise]

BTW, Self Centered doesn't equal Selfish.

Being good to your self is a crucial part of healing and recovering from a crap r/s.

that's really where healing begins.

GL

[stoic83]

BTW, Self Centered doesn't equal Selfish.

Being good to your self is a crucial part of healing and recovering from a crap r/s.

that's really where healing begins.

GL

Thanks gl, I appreciate your kind words. I do need to treat myself better, if this finally gives me some justification, then so be it... .  i sure won't do it at anyone else's expense:)

Hug back!

Stoic

[stoic83]

Stoic

I too am an entrepreneur. I don't believe you are too off course. Our society is off course in the midst of the Kardashian (absolute narcissism) culture. And you right in feeling the way you do. People are self absorbed and use us as an end to a means. People are fake. BPD or not. The heart of man is never satisfied. Living in the OC puts you at ground zero.

I live in Glendora, Ca. Great susburb. People out here have traditional values, slower pace... .  no rat race. There are alternatives to what you have experienced. I'm a Christian, and in spite of having had my heart ripped out of my chest by my uBPDexgf, I still know that there are a lot of real people out there. People who value people for who they are rather than for what they have. I think you are on the right track.

Thanks for relating to me, I need to find a healthier way to deal with my frustrations... .  rather than to focus on the negative and try to bite of more than i can chew... .  to try and see where I fit in to a part of the solution... .  rather than focusing on all the problems. Call me old-fashioned but i miss the patronizing sitcoms of the 90s, they might have been fake but at least they conveyed hokey messages of integrity. The shows these days are all about disorded realities... .  they are pumping crazy ideals in to mainstream society. They are creating validation for people who are destructive... .  

I am not religious in the traditional sense... .  I never used to be such a fierce moralist. I am not sure if it is good, because I enjoyed the hedonistic, emotional, but non-violent dynamic in southern france. There, it was okay to be emotional and act like a kid. It seems like the people who are hedonistic here are much more narc... .  i can't tell you how many people have thought i was a snob or uptight because I appreciate culture, or stand up for what i believe in... .  have alternative perspectives.

The pressure to conform is great here... .  i really do feel like david vs. goliath. There are pockets of conscious and driven people... .  but im not saying i have to be friends with frigging gahndi... .  i'm not that disney. I just feel that shock, infidelity, abuse, murder, crisis, trauma... .  is being made an active part of all of our lives... .  whether we want it to be or not.

You can imagine that in a place that is known as being very plastic and fake has a lot of narcissits and thus creates a lot of NPD/BPD... .  and then everyone else gets around it and it is contagious. I am from colorado, and I think it takes about 2 years of somebody being here to cross over... .  I have avoided it all of the time I have been here, by protecting myself with a veil of negativity... .  keeping it away from me before it swallows me up.

My level of self awareness seems harmful... .  i agree that i need to put my energy in to something else. The reality of my life situation is very hard for me to radically accept, and so I am going to need to focus on things that are more positive. I think surviving in the OC comes down to playing small ball... .  being very selective with who i spend time with, and i need to be almost predatory in seeking out like-minded people.

I need to think like myself... .  where would I go in the OC, if I were me 4 years ago... .  and I had financial stability, a social support network, and was emotionally balanced... .  ? I'm not really sure... .  

Oh yeah, someone told me dog park... .  im gonna do that one. Hopefully i dont run in to any pit bulls, of the dog or human variety... .  there are a lot around here.

[PrettyPlease]

And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow

      :'(    

[stoic83]

love the onion. But if failed to see what was funny about that? The fact that he was integrating joint pain in with violence and traffic? Is the joke that everyday life is seen as traumatic by a dorky sociologist? Or in the end when hes talking about sexual frustration and pesticides? Is the joke that he's inserting his own personal issues in to his societal analysis? Are you saying I don't like orange county because I am sexually frustrated? Haha. Seeming as my ex used sex as a weapon you might be right about that one. Speaking of sex as a weapon, can we add chronic pelvic pain syndrome to the list

[gina louise]

I think the point is that nearly anything can make you crazy -if you let it   

I watched it.

GL

[Newton]

stoic I think you are selling yourself short... .  your ability to step back and observe the world in the way you can is a rare gift, yes it puts you in a minority but as part of that minority myself I think it's a good place to be!

Many people are almost zombie like, just participating in the daily grind and climbing over each other to acheive the next target... .  and yes the very nature of western capitalism can cultivate narcissism (get a copy of "Affluenza" written by Oliver James)... .  surely the fact you can see this is a huge positive!... .  I appreciate that this awareness can generate a social disconnect, isn't that a good thing?

Your perception is isolating you from the nonsense you are surrounded by... .  I'd embrace that as a good thing 

[stoic83]

stoic I think you are selling yourself short... .  your ability to step back and observe the world in the way you can is a rare gift, yes it puts you in a minority but as part of that minority myself I think it's a good place to be!

Many people are almost zombie like, just participating in the daily grind and climbing over each other to acheive the next target... .  and yes the very nature of western capitalism can cultivate narcissism (get a copy of "Affluenza" written by Oliver James)... .  surely the fact you can see this is a huge positive!... .  I appreciate that this awareness can generate a social disconnect, isn't that a good thing?

Your perception is isolating you from the nonsense you are surrounded by... .  I'd embrace that as a good thing 

Wow, newton. Coming from you that is a compliment... I agree with you that I can look at this as a positive thing.

Right now I am kind of relating to this theory of 7 levels of consciousness.

1) Primative

2) Tribalism

3) Feudalism

4) Traditionalism

5) Modernism

6) Esotericism

7) Presence/Universal Consciousness


I think I am stuck somewhere between 5 and 6, and my exwBPD would cycle through the first 4 levels of consciousness. It is a great gift to be a conceptual thinker... .  and yes I suppose it is a good thing to feel socially isolated as a result of being "enlightened" to the degree that I am. I don't want to be stuck in a 6th level of consciousness anymore... .  it is lonely and I feel inferior anytime I feel superior.

The 6th level of consciousness is an esoteric state of mind, where you and I carry a painful knowledge that these other levels of consciousness are less evolved, and carry connotations of narcissism, fantasy, and violence... .  and our natural inclination is to remove the first 5 levels of consciousness from our lives... .  which leaves me feeling a bit lonely. Yes, I am proud... .  and feel lucky to have this gift of awareness... with great power comes great responsibility, and I guess I always feel like I sell myself short, and everybody else as well by cheating the universe out of my own unrealized potential.

However, the 7th level of consciousness is described as being deeply present and aware of the first 6th level of consciousness and radically accepting and appreciating each level of consciousness for it's intrinsic value, and the part it plays in the interconnectedness of the universal consciousness... .  which is the unfortunate predicament i find myself in... .  In pain due to not fully accepting the first 5 levels of consciousness, keeping myself at the 6th level of consciousness... .  internalizing the pain that comes from the "survival mode" mentality of the first 4 levels, and the false identity mentality of the 5th level.

I have ran across a few others in the 6th level of consciousness (when I was at a lower level... .  probably 5th) who turned their nose up at me... .  not a good feeling. So to avoid becoming what once hurt my feelings when I was ignorant seems like double-bind of it's own creation!

Sounds like your trending towards level 7 newton... .  I'm excited for you! I'll check out the book. I appreciate you being patient with my lower levels of consciousness

Anytime I want to read some hard-nosed esoteric wisdom... .  I read out of my later years by einstein. He's always referred to as a scientist/physicist, but he was really a philosopher! That book blew my mind... .  granted it's not perfect, but he was a visonary as far as society is concerned... .  if people would have only listened to him.

Here's a pseudo-quote(don't have it next to me):



I've always found it fairly ridiculous that we, as humans, the most intelligent species in our known universe spend more time providing food and shelter for ourselves than our primative friend, the black bear... .  who manages to obtain shelter in a cave by merely stumbling upon it, and kills only when he is hungry. Humans on the other hand, spend most of their lives just to maintain their most basic and primitive need for food and shelter. Why? I figured this out a long time ago, and decided to spend most of my time on my studies and theories... .  but people neglected to say that I loved to laugh and just spend time with people. I mean what do the black bears do with their time? Most of the time they are merely socializing, or being creative... .  the black bears are evolving and we are putting ourselves in a box... .  imagine all the discoveries, creativity, and the amazing things that we as a race could accomplish if people stopped spending most of their time providing for their most basic needs and instead spent time socializing, and creating... .  the way we were intended to be. We can't even live at a higher standard than the primitive black bear?


Isn't it ironic that my avatar is stoic, and my posts are the longest? Clearly I have a lot to say... .  thanks for listening and being a friend.

[Newton]

Having esoteric knowledge can be a gift and a curse, just comes down to perception I guess.  Some will use it to demean others, I just feel frustrated that more people don't "get" it yet so I want to share it with anyone who is ready to listen!

It does seem to be the case that us rather logical left brain folks are instantly appealing to the emotive chaos a pwBPD is experiencing, initially it is calming and stabilising, then after time it is perceived (or actually manifests) as controlling

In addition, I was far too cerebral, the enchanting "live for the moment" side of my exs was incredibly intoxicating for me as I rarely cut myself the slack to let my hair down.  I have tried to adopt some of this, it's working out pretty well!

As for the 7th plane, watch this space   Radical acceptance is incredibly liberating.  It seems to create space for some very "pure" and truthful thoughts and feelings.  I look forward to reading your response, its a very thought provoking discussion!

[stoic83]

Having esoteric knowledge can be a gift and a curse, just comes down to perception I guess.  Some will use it to demean others, I just feel frustrated that more people don't "get" it yet so I want to share it with anyone who is ready to listen!

I used to feel like it was a gift... .  but a lot of the social mirroring I recieved from both friends and exwBPD is that I'm "weird". Well I guess weird is a compliment then, isn't it? Reminds me of my family... .  never could quite meet their expectations of complacency and conformity. I suck, right? Well you and I, and the other 1 percent know that isn't the case... .  but it still hurts. Nobody wants to believe that they are just apart of the herd... .  I need to be a bit more sensitive, as to not hurt anybody acting in lower levels of consciousness... .  when you mirror wisdom and ideals that dominate your reality, others will inevitably look up to you and it is with this unwanted power that I have to be more careful... .  as I know I have hurt friends and exwBPD and family with brutal honesty, shattering their self-denial... .  and causing unintentional harm, by trying to get them to jump levels of consciousness. I can only imagine the deep pain my exwBPD and friends have felt... .  as I turned the mirror around on them... .  when I am always the first to point out my numerous flaws and search for fixes... .  

It does seem to be the case that us rather logical left brain folks are instantly appealing to the emotive chaos a pwBPD is experiencing, initially it is calming and stabilising, then after time it is perceived (or actually manifests) as controlling

In addition, I was far too cerebral, the enchanting "live for the moment" side of my exs was incredibly intoxicating for me as I rarely cut myself the slack to let my hair down.  I have tried to adopt some of this, it's working out pretty well!

As for me, I can't say I'm lucky enough to be so left-brained... .  I am painfully both-brained, and this has created a lot of problems for me... .  being both an introvert and an extrovert, sensitive and creative, yet logical and rigorous. It's a constant struggle to keep a balance, especially when my left-brained skills are of high value during a period of technological advancement... .  as the dalai lama says "we have enough successful people. We need more teachers and healers." So I am struggling a bit to get to freedom... .  which is financial so that I can help in more profound and less seemingly selfish ways.

I would like to spend time writing and developing technological solutions which can actually engage people in more collaborative and human ways... .  as opposed to the self-marketing campaign that face"box" tries to push on my brothers and sisters of the universe. Blah!

e.g. prioritizer... .  what is truly important to you? Why organize your time based around "temporal obligations" when applying your own intrinsic ideals can help you create a schedule that helps you reach true fulfillment.

e.g. if family is important to you, why not prioritize "calling your mom" over "washing the car" or "pleasing the boss"? How much time are we spending doing things that really matter to us? Can we not even surpass the black bear in living in accordance of our ideals... .  or do we submit to being prisoners of a system of our own creation that serves old world mentalities of divide and conquer?

(hey i don't care if anyone has a few hundred k to develop this software... .  feel free to rip me off)

As for the 7th plane, watch this space   Radical acceptance is incredibly liberating.  It seems to create space for some very "pure" and truthful thoughts and feelings.  I look forward to reading your response, its a very thought provoking discussion!

I was telling my T that I was excited about the self-awareness here and how it is slowly transforming my world... .  also good place to get in touch with people who can show me the positives of being highly conscious... .  so that I do not allow myself to be dragged in to the bs:) I mentioned you Newton... .  you had your 15 seconds of fame in my therapist's office... .  Thank you!

[Newton]

Waking up from the comforting (and oppressive) "sleep" we are conditioned to buy in to does feel uncomfortable at first.

This knowledge creates a definite separateness from others.  Initially I was concerned that it could be perceived as (or was) narcissistic.

Fortunately I had a great therapist who pointed out that I had an innate desire to help others rather than subdue or ridicule them.  I did feel a weight of responsibility initially, and a motivation to enlighten people. That was my codependency talking.

Its all too easy to want to "help" other people (this is the controlling aspect of codependency that was a large hurdle for me to jump over when it was highlighted here by senior members).  ie/ Why was I adopting a role of teaching or preaching others how to live, think, feel when my life was such a mess?

That role was a great distraction from shining a light on myself. I was choosing partners who were so messed up it allowed me the space to victimize myself and thus deflect the need to work on the real problem, ME!

That is why this place is a positive outlet for me, people are asking for help and advice, I am not forcing it on them.

Stoic, with time you will appreciate your gift, at the moment it is causing a dissonance.  We all want to be accepted and respected and being "different" is innately counter intuitive to that basic desire.

Its important to keep in mind that your awareness will attract similar people to participate in your life.  

[stoic83]

Waking up from the comforting (and oppressive) "sleep" we are conditioned to buy in to does feel uncomfortable at first.

This knowledge creates a definite separateness from others.  Initially I was concerned that it could be perceived as (or was) narcissistic.

Fortunately I had a great therapist who pointed out that I had an innate desire to help others rather than subdue or ridicule them.  I did feel a weight of responsibility initially, and a motivation to enlighten people. That was my codependency talking.

Its all too easy to want to "help" other people (this is the controlling aspect of codependency that was a large hurdle for me to jump over when it was highlighted here by senior members).  ie/ Why was I adopting a role of teaching or preaching others how to live, think, feel when my life was such a mess?

That role was a great distraction from shining a light on myself. I was choosing partners who were so messed up it allowed me the space to victimize myself and thus deflect the need to work on the real problem, ME!

That is why this place is a positive outlet for me, people are asking for help and advice, I am not forcing it on them.

Stoic, with time you will appreciate your gift, at the moment it is causing a dissonance.  We all want to be accepted and respected and being "different" is innately counter intuitive to that basic desire.

Its important to keep in mind that your awareness will attract similar people to participate in your life.  

You're right about the codependency. You're right that I'm afraid I'm a narcissist(i feel that when people on here are saying things about themselves, that they are talking about me... .  what's up with that? Is that narcissitic)... .  you're right that my intentions are good... .  it is easy to want to help people to distract myself from the fact that I feel very empty, unfulfilled, and actually needing of some help and empathy myself... .  I experience a lot more dissonance in my life as a result of acting unconscious and projecting the self-care that I couldn't, I mean wouldn't,  provide for myself on to somebody else... .  the more messed up they are, the more personal responsibility that I accept... .  when they talk about themselves and their own flaws, I can always relate to some extent... .  I can always empathize and see how if this were utopia, they wouldn't have those problems and it upsets me... .  I become angry at the society that did this to them, did this to me... .  rather than realizing that society is a much safer place for my projections than an individual. Whose fault is it that this person is messed up? It is our fault... .  as a society... .  and I feel like I'm trying to play my part to reduce the toxicity... .  and I always end up ingesting it.

No, me... .  I don't need anything. No thank you, I am fine. I don't deserve it, but you do... .  because you are a total victim of circumstance... .  you don't have the right mindset to get yourself out of this situation... .  so I will try to help you see the light... .  even though I'm in a similar position to you just by my involvement in this relationship... .  so essentially i'm being a hypocrite. Yes I smoke ciggaretes... .  but energy drinks are terrible for you... .  yes I play mindless video games, but watching reality tv is going to poison your mind... .  no I don't take very good care of myself at all, but you... .  you should take care of yourself... .  because you are worth it... .  I'm not though, I don't need anything... .  i'm fine thanks. I have plenty of time between trying to start a business, do some hobbies, have friendships, and handle my personal affairs to help you with the chaos that ensues from you're unhealable mental illnesss... .  that I am somehow responsible for because I am not perfect. I am a hypocrite and a conformist and just as bad as everybody else!